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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why does partner act this way?

93 replies

Saw15 · 17/08/2019 17:34

Hi could anyone give me advice ..I’m starting to feel so low and don’t know where to turn! Me and my partner have been together for 4 years and we have a ds that is 1.
My partner can be so grumpy and moody I feel like his mood so quickly. He does have good points being with him I know his stable good with he’s money, good at his job, and faithful but the bad are outweighs the good ...If we fall out he will try and be funny arse with me for days, grumpy and moody about the house and doesn’t hardly speak to me and starts picking at me for things around the house and other stuff even though I always clean and tidy up I like to keep a nice home but he still finds fault or if it’s not his way of doing things. Some days when his in a good mood he will compliment the amount of stuff I do for him and our ds but on his moody days he will pick at me and it gets me down.
..Not long after having our ds I still got about cleaning cooking and looking after my son on night feeds and what mum’s do I never once asked him to help me like night feeds or getting up with our son in the mornings even on his days off I don’t because he will make out his had a hard week! What does do my head in is he can get up for fitness classes and football.. he works full time and his tired and not happy with his job and I’m on maternity so basically I should do it which I understand to a degree he works hard to do it but now I’m off maternity and I work part time he still says your only part time and I’m full time which drilled into my head maybe his right but when I work a night shift he still gets up for his fitness class and I’m left shattered out!
I use his car but every time I’ve used it he gets in and he inspects it and starts wiping everywhere with his hand making out it’s grubby although to me it’s with the odd bit of hair and dust and makes me feel uncomfortable and he starts going on at me ‘there’s hair there have you wiped the dash down there’s a finger print there have you shaken the mats recently??’ other people have complimented how immaculate the car is it makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells and I’ve found myself trying to clean it every time I’ve used it and worrying if anyone’s got in and made it dirty. He told me today to go and buy wipes and wipe it every time I’ve used it! I know his been in the army and he say his quite particular with how he wants things he went mad at me at 3 am in the morning when me and ds was sleeping because I left the hoover out after cleaning..If we fall out he can’t just say what he needs to say and we move on if he has an issue he brings it up in abrupt way which causes me to get my back up and I tell him not to speak to me that way there has been times I’ve flipped out and had a go back and in some way then he turns it on me for shouting! If I bring something up I don’t like he will get grumpy about it. The other day he asked his mum to have our ds last minute she said she couldn’t have him in the morning and had made plans with her hairdresser to do her hair and he told her well your grandsons more important and you should rearrange so it caused an atmosphere with he’s mum and he ended up getting up telling her to shut up and pushing the door shut! I felt embarrassed. Can someone give me advice?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 17/08/2019 22:02

Then every time he sees my mum he’s tests whether she’s says hello to him first.

Well, yeah, but he's mental, isn't he?
We knew that.

GilbertMarkham · 17/08/2019 22:11

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

This covers physical abusers (batterers, as the American author calls them) but its a good book for understanding non physical abusers as well.

Saw15 · 17/08/2019 22:34

I’m actually going to look into the book Thankyou for your advice his still going on now! He said if I lived him I would believe what his saying it’s just mentally tiring tit for tat

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 17/08/2019 22:47

Sorry to be so blunt but he sounds like a real fkg arsehole who's bullying yourself, your mum - and will no doubt do the same to your son.

I really doubt he'll change. People like this don't really change.

GilbertMarkham · 17/08/2019 22:49

If you loved him, you'd believe what he's saying?

What's he saying?

Anyway, believing what someone says has nothing to do with loving them; it's about what you believe is reasonable/normal/likely to be true.

That's just guilt tripping and manipulation (on top of all the bullying hd already does).

Saw15 · 17/08/2019 22:57

Because I didn't agree with him is why he said if you loved me you'd believe what I'm saying he doesn't give up I've stood upto him today and he doesn't like it.

OP posts:
Saw15 · 17/08/2019 22:59

If you dont agree or ponder to him he gets the hump

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 17/08/2019 23:16

How convenient that if you lived him you believe what he's saying or agree he's right, eh.

But sure if he lived you he wouldn't upset your mum, or nitpick at you about the (tidy) house or the (clean, tidy) car, and if he lived you he'd do some of the work with your son esp now you're back at work part-time.

(My husband did what he could to help even before I went back to work, and I'm still only back 2 days a week).

He sounds like a lazy, selfish man child who thinks he's the centre if the universe.
And that's not even getting into the OCD bullying and nitpicking. I dunno how you've taken it, I'd have lost it completely within a very short time.

No offense but you've been far too soft and let him away with far too much for far too long by the sounds of it. I wish for your sake he could change but I doubt he will.

GilbertMarkham · 17/08/2019 23:17

*loved not lived

was51 · 18/08/2019 06:17

I have let him get away with it till now since I've had my boy I've realised it's not healthy. I told him last night that when we are getting on it's like he can't help himself just to ruin things. I get so happy when his in a good mood and then as soon as his mood changes I feel sad, lonely and on edge!

thiswillbeitnow · 18/08/2019 06:56

So much of what your saying I can relate to. My H also complains about who says hello first to who when coming in the house -pathetic. Also during family days, during and after moans about minor details. Wears you down doesn't it.... I'm trying to leave but it's hard

was51 · 18/08/2019 07:13

It is hard do you have kids to? It's mentally draining isn't it? Do you walk on eggshells when your out with him? I tryed to make excuses for everyone to please him ..you just want to socialise with family and friends and enjoy your time I've noticed myself starting to want to do things without him.

was51 · 18/08/2019 07:15

He even complains about what I say that I should of said it this way or that way my way wasn't the right way ect 😓

thiswillbeitnow · 18/08/2019 07:31

I don't have children thankfully. I'm always walking on egg shells, fearful what he'll say next and constantly making excuses or trying to hide what he's said. He has started to be quite rude in front of my family, I'm so embarrassed. They absolutely must see what he's being like. He too tells me the way i should say things. Prime example of how pathetic it can get is a few days ago I was reading an order back from a Chinese takeaway, just to check I'd captured everything and he told me I was reading it out wrong - I was literally reading it as it was wrote on my screen - I mean that's pathetic right?!

was51 · 18/08/2019 07:48

What gives them the right to tell us the right way of how we want to speak it makes me feel deflated. When my son was crying my mum picked him up from my partner to comfort him and give us abit of a rest and my partner was so rude to my mum he had a face on him and she tryed to talk to him in general and he was rude and ratty with her she god so upset! My family are now treading on eggshells it's like he wants people to ponder to him and his needs and if it doesn't happen he will cause an issue problem about it. Then go on about it for days. Have you tryed talking to him and how it makes you feel? I have and he gets worse he's still not talking to me now and being grumpy I'm going to get away today and see my family.

thiswillbeitnow · 18/08/2019 07:55

Tried talking to him so many times over the years.... he just shuts me down, blames me, says I'm the root of the cause. Says I'm over sensitive etc. When I get upset he never ever comforts me, never says sorry either. He shouts, gets angry and most often storms out for hours when I try and talk to him which usually ends up as an argument. He's intelligent but can have a complete lack of manners or social etiquette at times with my family. It's taking me a long time to realIse it isn't me.... I dread family social occasions as his face is often like thunder when he doesn't like how things are going. He has a zero sense of humour - wasn't always that way though, which makes it hard as I want the old person back.

was51 · 18/08/2019 08:11

There's always something his not happy with he does it to his own family his fallen out with his sister for years because how he spoke to her. If anyone didn't know him and was to talk to him the would think he was the innocent one of everything that goes on his life the way he comes across and words things no one would think his done anything wrong! He picks at his own mother so much and turns it round that it takes her but she's started to retaliate now x

was51 · 18/08/2019 08:13

How does your partner speak to his family

thiswillbeitnow · 18/08/2019 08:14

Same here - he's fallen out with most of his family. Definitely a pattern eh. I think he'd love nothing better than if I was to fall out with mine!

was51 · 18/08/2019 08:14

They always blame you I've been reading into it and it is emotional bullying I couldn't quite put my finger on how it till now.

was51 · 18/08/2019 08:21

He changes football team every year because someone does something he doesn't like or pisses him off and he moves on he blames them , same with work there's always someone that's upset him they do something he doesn't like only recently he fell out with another worker and spoke to him abruptly and tryed to justify he's actions cleverly to the boss which ended up him being right!! I felt sorry for him at first but when he started his bad behaviour to me I started to realise he's a big part to play In All of these fall out and arguments In life..Quite stupid really that I'm saying all this knowing what his like and not done anything about it's harder when you got a child aswell.

thiswillbeitnow · 18/08/2019 08:26

Yeah he's had similar issues with work. I'd like to see how he talks to them. I know I've got to leave, it's just how and when. Sounds like your lovely Mum has offered you a plan to get away?

was51 · 18/08/2019 08:29

Do you have anything in mind if what your going to do plan ect?

thiswillbeitnow · 18/08/2019 08:36

My plan is as I'm struggling to say the words I'm leaving is to wait for him to say (he does a few times a week) normally I beg and say I'll change....not the next time, no way. He can have what he wants, be interesting to see what he says when I say ok then. What about you?
I have a decent job and once the house is sold I can be independent. What about you?

was51 · 18/08/2019 08:50

Call his bluff he thinks you won't do it and they take us for granted! I am getting to that point now where I will go back to my mum's and show him I won't put up with it anymore! We don't own a property together as he owns the property we are in before we even met.. I live in his town..my town is 50 mins away where my family are so will be The hardest part for me will be that my little boy goes to nursery in his town I work near he's town and his mum is retired so she helps a lot with our jobs as we both work shifts! But its something I suppose il have to sort out