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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why does partner act this way?

93 replies

Saw15 · 17/08/2019 17:34

Hi could anyone give me advice ..I’m starting to feel so low and don’t know where to turn! Me and my partner have been together for 4 years and we have a ds that is 1.
My partner can be so grumpy and moody I feel like his mood so quickly. He does have good points being with him I know his stable good with he’s money, good at his job, and faithful but the bad are outweighs the good ...If we fall out he will try and be funny arse with me for days, grumpy and moody about the house and doesn’t hardly speak to me and starts picking at me for things around the house and other stuff even though I always clean and tidy up I like to keep a nice home but he still finds fault or if it’s not his way of doing things. Some days when his in a good mood he will compliment the amount of stuff I do for him and our ds but on his moody days he will pick at me and it gets me down.
..Not long after having our ds I still got about cleaning cooking and looking after my son on night feeds and what mum’s do I never once asked him to help me like night feeds or getting up with our son in the mornings even on his days off I don’t because he will make out his had a hard week! What does do my head in is he can get up for fitness classes and football.. he works full time and his tired and not happy with his job and I’m on maternity so basically I should do it which I understand to a degree he works hard to do it but now I’m off maternity and I work part time he still says your only part time and I’m full time which drilled into my head maybe his right but when I work a night shift he still gets up for his fitness class and I’m left shattered out!
I use his car but every time I’ve used it he gets in and he inspects it and starts wiping everywhere with his hand making out it’s grubby although to me it’s with the odd bit of hair and dust and makes me feel uncomfortable and he starts going on at me ‘there’s hair there have you wiped the dash down there’s a finger print there have you shaken the mats recently??’ other people have complimented how immaculate the car is it makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells and I’ve found myself trying to clean it every time I’ve used it and worrying if anyone’s got in and made it dirty. He told me today to go and buy wipes and wipe it every time I’ve used it! I know his been in the army and he say his quite particular with how he wants things he went mad at me at 3 am in the morning when me and ds was sleeping because I left the hoover out after cleaning..If we fall out he can’t just say what he needs to say and we move on if he has an issue he brings it up in abrupt way which causes me to get my back up and I tell him not to speak to me that way there has been times I’ve flipped out and had a go back and in some way then he turns it on me for shouting! If I bring something up I don’t like he will get grumpy about it. The other day he asked his mum to have our ds last minute she said she couldn’t have him in the morning and had made plans with her hairdresser to do her hair and he told her well your grandsons more important and you should rearrange so it caused an atmosphere with he’s mum and he ended up getting up telling her to shut up and pushing the door shut! I felt embarrassed. Can someone give me advice?

OP posts:
was51 · 18/08/2019 21:49

That's the thing you always think of how good it was and get upset about it could you have some time apart and explain your not happy? Sometimes it takes that for them to realise!

was51 · 18/08/2019 22:07

@Jaffacakesaremyfave that video you sent is spot on!!! His the victim for everything that happens

thiswillbeitnow · 19/08/2019 06:03

Time apart isn't the answer, it has to be permanent. I've learnt that a narcissist won't ever change.

was51 · 19/08/2019 06:48

I've read about covert narcissist last night and it's exactly what my partner is and you right it's him he won't change he was like it before he met me.

thiswillbeitnow · 19/08/2019 06:52

Somehow @was51 we need to make the leap as we deserve to be happy and we only have one life. I'm off to work shortly - time to put my happy mask on Sad

was51 · 19/08/2019 07:48

He's gone to work and I'm off today little ones in nursery so I've managed to get some time to myself today been really run down he hasn't hardly spoke to me since Friday after I told him I won't be wiping his car down every time I've used it and stood upto him! He s been an arse all weekend. Our days off together ruined!

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 19/08/2019 09:00

Yep, I'm afraid narcissists cannot change and unless you want to live in this unhappiness for the rest of your life, the only option is to leave.

All they want is power and control and the 'nice' side is just an act. Be warned though, they can be extremely vindictive when you end the relationship (because they cant stand to lose power over you) and it causes a narcissistic injury so he will rage, beg, plead, promise to change etc. Make sure your ducks are in a row before you tell him you are leaving.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 19/08/2019 09:10

Also, look up the 'grey rock' method of communication. It's the only way to deal with narcs. Telling them they are a narc doesnt work.

Theres some more good videos here about narc abuse tactics. Him ignoring you is called stonewalling but her whole series on red flags is worth a watch

was51 · 19/08/2019 15:11

Thankyou so much

was51 · 19/08/2019 15:15

Ruined my weekend by not talking to me and today messaging me saying I love you! So unpredictable

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 19/08/2019 16:55

He's fucking with your head. He can only ruin your (life) weekend if you let him!

was51 · 19/08/2019 18:28

I know I really try not to let it get to me he's lovely on messagesand back to his self at home.

thiswillbeitnow · 19/08/2019 19:10

Hi @was51, I don't get any of those types of messages but can imagine that's even more confusing for you. I'm home now and we're barely talking. I've read grey rock communication and I'm pretty much doing that the last few days. Won't be long before he picks me up for being being miserable / quiet with him. Want to say that's because your finally broken me Sad

was51 · 19/08/2019 19:43

Same with us his watching football and been grumpy his been in the bedroom most of the night I asked him how he was and he replied oh I'm feeling amazing thanks!!' So sarcastic! We just want to be happy. Has he said anything to you! Plus you need to tell him his pushed you to the limit!

thiswillbeitnow · 19/08/2019 19:48

Nothing as yet just bare min - we're like house mates not a married couple. I'm starting to despise him....

was51 · 19/08/2019 20:50

Omg I know how you feel it is like house mates we're both sitting far away there's no love at all. I'm the same everything he does I love at and think knob! When he starts moaning and asking me what a certain mark is ect

was51 · 19/08/2019 20:50

Do you mind me asking your ages?

thiswillbeitnow · 19/08/2019 21:04

I've PM'd you @was51Smile

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