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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why does partner act this way?

93 replies

Saw15 · 17/08/2019 17:34

Hi could anyone give me advice ..I’m starting to feel so low and don’t know where to turn! Me and my partner have been together for 4 years and we have a ds that is 1.
My partner can be so grumpy and moody I feel like his mood so quickly. He does have good points being with him I know his stable good with he’s money, good at his job, and faithful but the bad are outweighs the good ...If we fall out he will try and be funny arse with me for days, grumpy and moody about the house and doesn’t hardly speak to me and starts picking at me for things around the house and other stuff even though I always clean and tidy up I like to keep a nice home but he still finds fault or if it’s not his way of doing things. Some days when his in a good mood he will compliment the amount of stuff I do for him and our ds but on his moody days he will pick at me and it gets me down.
..Not long after having our ds I still got about cleaning cooking and looking after my son on night feeds and what mum’s do I never once asked him to help me like night feeds or getting up with our son in the mornings even on his days off I don’t because he will make out his had a hard week! What does do my head in is he can get up for fitness classes and football.. he works full time and his tired and not happy with his job and I’m on maternity so basically I should do it which I understand to a degree he works hard to do it but now I’m off maternity and I work part time he still says your only part time and I’m full time which drilled into my head maybe his right but when I work a night shift he still gets up for his fitness class and I’m left shattered out!
I use his car but every time I’ve used it he gets in and he inspects it and starts wiping everywhere with his hand making out it’s grubby although to me it’s with the odd bit of hair and dust and makes me feel uncomfortable and he starts going on at me ‘there’s hair there have you wiped the dash down there’s a finger print there have you shaken the mats recently??’ other people have complimented how immaculate the car is it makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells and I’ve found myself trying to clean it every time I’ve used it and worrying if anyone’s got in and made it dirty. He told me today to go and buy wipes and wipe it every time I’ve used it! I know his been in the army and he say his quite particular with how he wants things he went mad at me at 3 am in the morning when me and ds was sleeping because I left the hoover out after cleaning..If we fall out he can’t just say what he needs to say and we move on if he has an issue he brings it up in abrupt way which causes me to get my back up and I tell him not to speak to me that way there has been times I’ve flipped out and had a go back and in some way then he turns it on me for shouting! If I bring something up I don’t like he will get grumpy about it. The other day he asked his mum to have our ds last minute she said she couldn’t have him in the morning and had made plans with her hairdresser to do her hair and he told her well your grandsons more important and you should rearrange so it caused an atmosphere with he’s mum and he ended up getting up telling her to shut up and pushing the door shut! I felt embarrassed. Can someone give me advice?

OP posts:
Musti · 18/08/2019 09:19

He sounds abusive. He is not your boss and his wishes don't trump everyone else. From now on just ignore him and every time he tells you to clean something tell him to do it himself. Do not walk on eggshells anymore. If he speaks to your mum rudely, call him up on it. And leave.

thiswillbeitnow · 18/08/2019 10:31

I know it's hard but your mums offer is too good to refuse. Can your little boy move nursery?

SeaSidePebbles · 18/08/2019 11:36

God, watch ‘I am Nicola’. Oh my, what an eye opener!!!
It’s on channel 4 on demand.

was51 · 18/08/2019 14:00

I've been with my parents today discussing a few things. I've been back to the house and again he starts going on about stuff and being moody when will he stop!!

CIareIsland · 18/08/2019 14:09

Keep reaching out to your parents. They will already know what he is like and will help you. Be careful.

Jaffacakesaremyfave · 18/08/2019 14:42

He's a narcissist OP and incapable of change.

sound familiar? They are incapable of change and I'd suggest reading up on it or watching other videos about it by the person I linked
thiswillbeitnow · 18/08/2019 15:18

Gosh @Jaffacakesaremyfave that's scarily close to home for me.Thanks for sharing.

thiswillbeitnow · 18/08/2019 15:19

@was51did you talk about your partner to your parents today?

was51 · 18/08/2019 17:03

I went out for lunch with my parents and they said that they want me to go home as they see me unhappy.

tinytemper66 · 18/08/2019 17:17

Because he is a misogynistic twat!

thiswillbeitnow · 18/08/2019 17:19

That's lovely of them @was51, please snap their hand off and go home if not for you then your little one. What I'd do for someone to say that to me. Grab the opportunity xx

PicsInRed · 18/08/2019 17:25

Oh OP, DO IT.

Take that offer.

Have family and friends with you when you pack up and ensure that you are not alone with him again (leaving/1 year after left are the most dangerous times). Don't accept any invites to meet alone to talk etc. Stay safe. Flowers

LittleMiss2011 · 18/08/2019 17:37

OP, how old are you?

peonyfairy03 · 18/08/2019 17:51

He sounds just like My ExH in the end I left ad it was such an unhappy marriage. I felt more like his slave or an employee of his. He didn’t value me at all and found fault in everything I did. He would inspect the house weekly and if he found a cobweb I knew about it for days.

was51 · 18/08/2019 18:31

Hi I'm 31 and my partner is 40. He does sound similar if he finds something with the house he will say can you start doing this doing that, wiping this, make sure you do this and that I blew up not long ago and told him to back off with his demanding!! I used to do everything to please him before but now I'm starting to rebel! I recorded him ranting at me about wiping the car down yesterday and when I look back at it I can't believe it his a drama queen.

was51 · 18/08/2019 18:33

I hate the fact that if we argue he doesn't move on he will punish me for days I start feeling uncomfortable around the house his creates a bad atmosphere and I get all nervous he falls out with me for days where I can have cross words and move on no chance with him it's sad.

thiswillbeitnow · 18/08/2019 19:07

Can totally relate @was51. I often get the silent treatment following an argument. I say argument, but I'm never allowed my opinion or say

was51 · 18/08/2019 19:24

Do you find during a discussion there so overpowering? That you feel like no matter how much you put your point across he either goes mad or doesn't agree! But to be honest I do not care what he thinks anymore I just want easy going and peace x

thiswillbeitnow · 18/08/2019 19:47

Absolutely the same. Then he'll say it's all about me - when clearly it isn't! I try very hard never to lay blame.... he then almost always shuts me down and storms off.

thiswillbeitnow · 18/08/2019 19:48

He never ever admits he's done anything wrong.... and has only ever said sorry twice in the 10 years we've been together. So rare I've counted.....

was51 · 18/08/2019 21:27

I don't get a sorry either I just get a grumpy arse upto a week after the row he brings things up and makes sarcastic comments around me and doesnt know when to give in.

thiswillbeitnow · 18/08/2019 21:31

Gosh it all sounds so very similar. I feel so miserable at the moment, I need to make the break but am in love with the person he used to be but I don't see him much now, I'm kidding myself. We rarely kiss or cuddle and haven't had sex for months. The marriage is pretty much dead.....

was51 · 18/08/2019 21:38

He's point is always right when our ds was a baby and feeding every 2 half hours through the night he used to come in from work at 1am and start talking to the little one whilst he was asleep..I kept telling him night after night please to not wake him as I've had a tiring day as it is.' But he still carried on and one night he blew at me and said "I miss my son I've been to work" I said I understand that but I've been up all day/night with ds and when he's asleep at 1am in the morning I could also do with some rest too! He turned around and said for god sake your in maternity all you do is have your nails done you don't know your born!! I was so upset after giving birth to our child and being there 24hrs a day being a mum I'm entitled to maternity to help our baby plus my body wasnt recovered. plus he threw in my face that when been to have my nails done and he looked after him for 90 mins when I got back he kicked off saying I don't mind looking after our son but not so you can just get your nails done! 😓

thiswillbeitnow · 18/08/2019 21:41

That's so sad, you sound like a brilliant Mum. I hope you can find the strength to move in with your parents, you and your little one deserve some peace and happiness.

was51 · 18/08/2019 21:43

Hun the same we used to be physically in love kissing all the time arms round each other and cuddling up on sofa we couldn't be apart and we had a bit of a whirlwind but I've come to realise that wasn't him deep down and this is the real him! I suppose it's hard with our son but we just don't make enough effort anymore it's rare we have sex he's always moaning anyway his Ill or achy from football or tired or his libido gone because we bicker!