Partner keeps waking me up and gets angry when I object

[JustWantSleep]

I'm 5 weeks pregnant and very tired. Thursday night I was in bed and had just put the light up when my partner came to bed. He was whatsapping a friend the the sounds on and the volume high. I asked him several times to be quiet and he stormed off to sleep in the spare room. In the morning he refused to speak to me and let the puppy into the bedroom at 7am so I couldn't go back to sleep. Friday is an off duty day for me and I was really hoping for a lie in.

This weekend we're visiting my parents and there's a TV in the guest room. He turned it on when we went to bed and I wanted to sleep. He had the volume on quite quiet but it was a violent film with lots of screaming and I couldn't sleep through it. He eventually turned it off after midnight after about 20min and an argument. This morning I was still sleeping when he turned the TV on again at about 8.30pm and started channel hopping and woke me up. I'm still really tired and he's refusing to speak to me. He says I'm taking away his freedom. I think he's being an inconsiderate arse and the bedroom is for sleeping. I'm so tired I feel like crying. Am I overreacting?

What's the rest of your relationship like? I'd be concerned this is the beginning of a slippery slope tbh - first baby together?

How was he before the pregnancy, if this is new in the last week I'd be very concerned.

I think I'd point out that if he thinks he's losing his freedom now he should see what it's like in less than 8 months when you're both dealing with a newborn.

This guy really hasn't thought this through, has he? How does he feel about the pregnancy? Because he sounds pretty hostile.

Should add I still remember the utter bone deep exhaustion of the first trimester. You have my sympathy.

Ear plugs?

He is being thoughtless. Early pregnancy is a very tiring time and you won't look pregnant so one knows to adjust. But your DH should. YANBU

Ask him to use the spare room of he's coming to bed later than you. Remove TV from bedroom . Get up take puppy into his room if he does it again.

Explain you are exhausted and won't be making dinner or lunch, or washing, because he kept you awake and you are pregnant, and go for a nap early tea time.

Complain, tell him he's risking your (pregnant) health, and take back that sleep he disturbed at every opportunity so he feels the.
consequences.

Is this new behaviour?

have you tried earplugs?

Very often the trigger for abuse to begin is a major life event, moving in, engagement, marriage, pregnancy.

One of the reasons is that they think you're not as able to leave. It's not accidental, it's quite on purpose.

I'm concerend for you OP. Do you have family nearby? It's more difficult - in terms of family court permission - to move once a baby is born. Consider making any moves closer to support NOW.

How long have you been together?

What Prawn said 👆

This kind of meanness is really concerning. Is he otherwise kind? Is he happy about the pregnancy?

I think, like other posters have said, you need to think whether this is a new thing or whether he was always like this. In a way, it's much more serious if this is a new thing :(

Alot of abusive men use sleep deprivation as a control tactic as you are so exhausted, you get brain fog and are less able to spot and confront the abuse.

My abusive exH used to wake me up throughout the night to try and have sex and would also stumble home drunk and turn on all the lights etc waking me up. He didn't care if I was sick, pregnant, had DS sleeping next to me, it was all about his needs and he didnt care at all how it impacted me of DC (lack of emapthy is one of the hallmarks of abuse).

I worry that this will escalate OP. He sounds horribly selfish and entitled and doesnt seem to give two fucks about you or child you are carrying. You are growing a baby FFS and need to rest!!!

Also, giving you the silent treatment is another hallmark of abuse. Have you ever considered he could be a narcissist?

PicsInRed
Very often the trigger for abuse to begin is a major life event, moving in, engagement, marriage, pregnancy.
One of the reasons is that they think you're not as able to leave. It's not accidental, it's quite on purpose.
I'm concerend for you OP. Do you have family nearby? It's more difficult - in terms of family court permission - to move once a baby is born. Consider making any moves closer to support NOW.

This ^
What your partner is doing is not normal behaviour. Pregnancy is often a trigger for domestic abuse to begin or escalate.

Please read this
www.babycentre.co.uk/a563127/domestic-violence-and-abuse

"What are the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse?
Domestic abuse is all about power and control. Warning signs include:
Controlling behaviour designed to make you feel powerless and dependent on your abuser. The abuser’s aim is to isolate you from support, by gradually wearing you down so that you don’t have the strength or the resources to resist or escape.
Often the person being abused feels confused as to whether or not they are actually experiencing domestic violence, especially if it’s not physical.
However, if you’re changing the way you behave to avoid a confrontation or because you’re scared, then the chances are you’re in an abusive relationship."

Sounds like he thinks he’s got you OP now you have a baby cooking. And if he was like this before why on earth didn’t you run?

I hope OP comes back.

Wait until a baby comes and your both sleep deprived and irritable. Good luck op I hope he’s not as useless as he sounds.

You know some couples are just not sleep compatible so they have separate bedrooms.

Thought I would come back an update, in case anyone was wondering how things are. I'll try and answer everyone's questions sorry if I've missed any.

Partner had not seemed very invested in this pregnancy when I first posted. Although this will hopefully be our first baby it is not our first pregnancy - we had a missed miscarriage and a couple of chemicals. I think he doesn't want to believe it in case we lose this one too. I was finding the contrast between how he treated me in our first pregnancy vs this one really hard as in the first pregnancy he made me feel really special and looked after whereas with this one he didn't seem to care that much. We have been together 3 years.

Previously he has been a bit selfish on occasion with using his phone with the sound on in bed but we had come to an arrangement where he has the phone on mute and I wear and eyemask so the light doesn't disturb me and that was working well. We don't have TV in the bedroom normally but did on this occasion as we were visiting family. I can't get on with earplugs - I find them really uncomfortable and on the rare occasions I do manage to get to sleep with them in I tend to remove them in my sleep.

My family are not nearby but I am not isolated from friends and could manage on my salary alone if I needed to (assuming it's not twins). Even if we did split it wouldn't be practical to move closer to family as there are few job opportunities there and housing is really expensive in that area. I'm the owner and sole mortgage payer of the property we live in. So I can ask him to leave if I want (although I really don't want to go through pregnancy/birth/parenting alone).

He came out of his sulk shortly after I posted on Saturday and we had quite a nice day. I went up for a nap Saturday early evening but couldn't sleep, did have a nice rest though (I have to be pretty much dead before I can successfully nap in the day). On Saturday night we negotiated a reasonable time to turn off the TV but then had another big argument after he said he "might" turn it on again on Sunday morning even if I was still asleep (he didn't in the end).

On the way home in the car on Sunday he made a comment about the state of the house being my fault (it is dirty, but we both work, I've been exhausted and he hasn't done a whole lot around the house either) and I saw red and shouted at him. I'm not normally an angry person and I think it might be the hormones but honestly I wanted to punch something. TBH the comment was not that bad and shouting was an overreaction but I think the accumulated rage from the weekend must have spilled out.

Weirdly the shouting incident seemed to trigger an improvement in his behaviour, I think the uncharacteristic rage may have convinced him that I am actually pregnant. He has done a few minor tasks around the house without being asked, watched the puppy for an hour last night while I had a lie down and has generally been much more supportive and attentive. He also bought me flowers. I also found him watching pregnancy videos on Youtube last night (on the sofa before bed not in bed!) and googling "5 weeks pregnant" so I think (hope) might be getting on board with this pregnancy.

Frankly, he sounds awful, and unbelievably selfish. No way should you be expected to wear earplugs and tolerate TV noise and light when you want to rest. What a git.

How much rest are you talking about? Perhaps he just feels annoyed that it's so often and he feels he's tiptoeing around.

The house work comment is concerning. Tread very carefully! once baby is here you will be knackered and vulnerable and this is when operation cunty- behaviour, can ramp up. Be on your guard.

Wow - he’s going to get a shock when the baby arrives and he’ll get no time for himself or sleep.

Why would an adult need asking to do jobs around the house - if they need doing you do them without being asked. He sounds like a child.