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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner keeps waking me up and gets angry when I object

98 replies

JustWantSleep · 17/08/2019 09:37

I'm 5 weeks pregnant and very tired. Thursday night I was in bed and had just put the light up when my partner came to bed. He was whatsapping a friend the the sounds on and the volume high. I asked him several times to be quiet and he stormed off to sleep in the spare room. In the morning he refused to speak to me and let the puppy into the bedroom at 7am so I couldn't go back to sleep. Friday is an off duty day for me and I was really hoping for a lie in.

This weekend we're visiting my parents and there's a TV in the guest room. He turned it on when we went to bed and I wanted to sleep. He had the volume on quite quiet but it was a violent film with lots of screaming and I couldn't sleep through it. He eventually turned it off after midnight after about 20min and an argument. This morning I was still sleeping when he turned the TV on again at about 8.30pm and started channel hopping and woke me up. I'm still really tired and he's refusing to speak to me. He says I'm taking away his freedom. I think he's being an inconsiderate arse and the bedroom is for sleeping. I'm so tired I feel like crying. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
LillithsFamiliar · 23/08/2019 12:00

I'm sorry OP. Tell him to go stay with his family and tell them why. Don't cover for his shitty behaviour. Flowers

Windygate · 23/08/2019 12:02

Sadly it sounds as though the relationship is over. I'm sorry but now you need to be practical and work out how you can move on.

Cocoismydog · 23/08/2019 12:03

I very rarely post on relationship threads and I realise you are very invested in this relationship and are pregnant but I think his behaviour is way beyond thoughtless. I’m concerned that he is being abusive. We all have fall outs and bicker but to purposefully wake a very tired person is really awful. Our relationship should be a safe place with kindness shown. Having a child is very difficult and I’m not sure how easy it will be with him.

Laylajaney · 23/08/2019 12:03

He needs to be told straight that hes being selfish .He can have Tv on before he comes to bed or not at all.
Lay down a few rules before the baby arrives. Ive been to laxed myself and put up with selfish behaviour .They just keep doing it if its not pointed out.

WhiteVixen · 23/08/2019 12:04

I would ask him to move out, even for a short period of time (although personally I would make it permanent). You need space to rest and not have this stress. He sounds like a complete child.

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 23/08/2019 12:04

Think it might be over as I can't see a way out of this he is irritable and defensive and lashes if I make even the smallest polite request.

It should be over. You should kick the idiot out right now. Life is long and it gets harder with an actual child... You already have a petulent little boy, it'll only get worse when an actual child comes along.

Cocoismydog · 23/08/2019 12:04

Sorry ..... I would be considering my options and speaking to my family for help.

ShirleyPhallus · 23/08/2019 12:06

Oh OP, you poor thing. This should be a magical and wonderful time, not a time to be reconsidering your relationship cos he’s acting like a douche

Can you get some space and go and stay with a friend or family for a few days?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/08/2019 12:06

Somebody help me im just so miserable

This is where you have to help yourself.

Yes, this is becoming abusive and you cannot be around him. Pack a bag and go and stay with a friend or with family for the weekend. Don't discuss this with him. Don't explain. Just go.

Tell whoever you are staying with exactly what has been happening.

Do not let him convince you that this is normal. Or that this is your fault.

This relationship is done and you need to get out now, before he starts to convince you otherwise.

I'm very sorry but please go NOW.

YouJustDoYou · 23/08/2019 12:06

If he's this bad now, it's going be destructively horrific when the baby is here.

Inniu · 23/08/2019 12:12

I am sorry you are going through this.

It is your house. Tell him to leave. Stay with a friend for a few days but tell him to be gone when you get back.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 23/08/2019 12:12

You are working full-time.
You are growing a baby inside your body.

He is working full-time.

One person here should be considerate and should be taking on more responsibility for the household.
(Clue - it's not you)

I agree - go to friends or family for the weekend and discuss it with them.
You need real-life support, whatever happens.

PlinkPlink · 23/08/2019 12:14

Chin up, my love. It's a shitty situation but he's weak. Clearly.

I think alot of people have fears of losing their freedom when a baby is on the way. It sounds to me like he is rebelling against the loss of any freedom he has left. Some people dont react to this well.

I know I had a freak out when I was pregnant. I freaked out that everything was going to change and that it was going to change for the worse.
It didnt happen that way but I was scared nonetheless.

Unfortunately, his rebellion is bordering on abusive behaviour. He is taking out his worries and frustrations on you and that's entirely not fair especially when you are doing all the hard work, you sre he one growing your child, having raging hormones, getting super tired, your entire body is changing.

I often think that despite men having the physical advantage over women, women are so much stronger mentally and emotionally.
It sounds like you'd have an easier time if he wasn't there. You could get a lie in or a decent night's sleep without him there.

I think you need to sit down and maybe have a break for a couple of weeks. He needs to step away from the situation and think about his behaviour. You can get some decent rest.

Then see how you both feel? If he can't step up and get over these negative emotions, then it may be best you split? You don't want him to continue this downward spiral - it could potentially be so harmful for you and your baby, psychologically and physically.

I know it shit. It feels awful. But channel that mummy strength. You know, the whole lifting a car off your child kind of thing - protect your little ones from that toxic environment. Take no crap and channel that strength.

NorthEndGal · 23/08/2019 12:18

You have clearly come through a lot to be able to have this baby, and stress isn't good for you or your little one growing inside.

You need to be strong for them, and protect them.
If your OH isn't prepared to change, he has to go.

tompointer · 23/08/2019 12:28

You absolutely shouldn't be going through this.

It sounds to me as if maybe he's either not wanting the baby or is detaching himself from you in case you lose it.
And I suspect the latter.

Either way you need to talk calmly.

I remember being totally shattered at 5 weeks pregnant.
You need your sleep and he has to understand.

I really hope he sees sense and starts treating you the way you deserve.
If not then don't endure the stress he's causing.

Good luck x

expatinspain · 23/08/2019 12:30

OP, this isn't normal behaviour. Me and DP had some niggles with the sleep disturbance thing. I'm a really light sleeper and he's not and he just wasn't getting it. He'd watch stuff 'quietly' on his phone when in bed and snooze his alarm about 20 times every morning. Now, he's got a Fitbit, so his alarm just vibrates on his wrist and he wears headphones if he watches something in bed.
He still crashes about a bit in the morning, but closes all the bedroom doors and does make the effort not to disturb me. This is what a normal person should do. There are a lot of red flags with your partner and it's common for abuse to start during pregnancy. I would set out calmly how you feel and try to have a conversation with him to find out if anything else is going on and if the result of that conversation isn't him giving you and explanation for his behaviour, apologising and then changing the behaviour, it's time to leave the relationship.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/08/2019 13:05

Please get away for the weekend.
Not sure what your job is but hopefully you have long weekend and can spend some time with family or friends getting the love and support you need.
Your 'D'P is being vile to you.
You need to get away from him and get some head space.
If you don't want to visit anyone then pack his stuff up and leave it outside.
Tell him to collect it and not to contact you.
You will contact him when you are ready.
Please take back control of your life before it spirals further.
I need to be as stress free as possible right now and he is not making that possible.
Look after yourself and baby now.
Stop worrying about him or why he is being like this.
Just get him away so you can have a peaceful pregnancy.
Do not take any risks right now.
Get him gone!

AnyFucker · 23/08/2019 13:11

This is your house, right ?

Tell him to leave. He hates you.

Epona1 · 23/08/2019 13:26

Can you get away for the weekend at all? Visit family or something?

Tell him it’s over and you want him out of the house by the time you come back.

billy1966 · 23/08/2019 14:13

Don't leave him in YOUR house.

Get his stuff together and get him to leave with it.

LambBeefandHedgehog · 24/08/2019 17:24

He is horrible.

I wonder if he’s trying to get you to tell him to leave so he isn’t cast as the person who dumped a pregnant woman.

But whatever it is, you deserve better. It’s over.

sonjadog · 24/08/2019 18:42

Ask him to leave for a while.

bigchris · 24/08/2019 20:23

Are you ok op?

CrotchetyQuaver · 24/08/2019 20:37

How have things been today? I'd be tempted to pack his bags and get the locks changed whilst he's out at work. This is no way to live. He's supposed to be an adult not a child.

Fairylea · 24/08/2019 20:41

This is crazy and only going to get worse when the baby is here. We’re talking a screaming crying baby waking every couple of hours or more for a feed for 6 weeks at least. How’s he going to cope with that?

Fuck him off. Seriously. Total man child.