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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner keeps waking me up and gets angry when I object

98 replies

JustWantSleep · 17/08/2019 09:37

I'm 5 weeks pregnant and very tired. Thursday night I was in bed and had just put the light up when my partner came to bed. He was whatsapping a friend the the sounds on and the volume high. I asked him several times to be quiet and he stormed off to sleep in the spare room. In the morning he refused to speak to me and let the puppy into the bedroom at 7am so I couldn't go back to sleep. Friday is an off duty day for me and I was really hoping for a lie in.

This weekend we're visiting my parents and there's a TV in the guest room. He turned it on when we went to bed and I wanted to sleep. He had the volume on quite quiet but it was a violent film with lots of screaming and I couldn't sleep through it. He eventually turned it off after midnight after about 20min and an argument. This morning I was still sleeping when he turned the TV on again at about 8.30pm and started channel hopping and woke me up. I'm still really tired and he's refusing to speak to me. He says I'm taking away his freedom. I think he's being an inconsiderate arse and the bedroom is for sleeping. I'm so tired I feel like crying. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 20/08/2019 17:10

He sounds like an inconsiderate dick

It's not going to improve when you have a baby

detectivebird · 20/08/2019 17:16

i’d not be able to bear this sort of behaviour. depriving you of the sleep you need is so cruel - thoughtless at best and abusive as pp have said at worst.

Viticulture · 20/08/2019 17:26

Me and DP of 11 years had a bit of a strange time in the first and second trimester. We have the calmest most considerate relationship you can imagine, but we both started looking at this major life changing thing and adjusting ourselves. We had a few clashes on the way, and I came to understand he was having a massive wobble about the idea of losing his freedom, even though this was planned and much wanted. I was having my own wobbles, plus started to get really scared of his need for time to himself.
We worked through it by talking, we both compromised. We are trying to be a team but I do still worry that he will get really stressed and angry at times and that will lead to me hating him. I think it will be ok in the end. There is just no guarantee who you both turn into when you become parents and whether your relationship survives.

Take into perspective the mumsnet threads about women getting divorced in their 50s as their DH wanted freedom all of a sudden. A man's role here is different. It shouldn't be, but it just is. If you want him in your life you have to let him have some of his own life, or that will build up over years of resentment.

If you would rather go it alone than compromise on any of the things you find unacceptable that is absolutely your call. Better to do it now than when you are 50, IMO.

PasDeGeeGees · 20/08/2019 17:37

Read the OP's update folks...

MeanMrMustardSeed · 20/08/2019 21:11

Don’t rush into marrying him.

7yo7yo · 21/08/2019 00:22

Tell him to move out and you can work on your relationship then he can move back in when your happy. Selfish dick.

Bigmango · 21/08/2019 07:51

I really hope it is first trimester wobbled but this post does scream massive red flags at me. The fact that he was in a mood with you for instance? Surely it should have been the other way round. He kept an eye on the puppy for an hour?? This is not a chore that needs praising. It’s not exactly difficult. I’d be seriously analysing all the parts of your relationship. My abusive ex used sleep as a weapon against me and it was horrific.

Original poster
JustWantSleep · 21/08/2019 13:44

Well, he's back to twattish again. Refused to take the bins out when I asked last night because "I did it last week" so I had to do it despite the smell making me heave. This morning left the puppy unattended with the stair gate open (something I have repeatedly asked him not to do) and didn't even bother to switch the TV off before leaving for work. Last night said the puppy had done a poo in the garden but he couldn't reach it to pick up because he had done it under a bush, found said poo on my return from work today, it was beside bush not under it at easy to reach. Angry

I am so fucked off and I am not normally an angry person. This is so different to how he treated me when I was pregnant before I don't understand what has changed.

OP posts:
BogglesGoggles · 21/08/2019 13:50

I really wouldn’t have a baby with him. This isn’t going to get any better when you have a child and you are both exhausted/extra stressed as s result and he knows that you can’t leave without affecting your child/doing most of everything alone etc.

Original poster
JustWantSleep · 21/08/2019 13:53

I absolutely will NOT be having an abortion. Obviously there's a chance we will lose this baby too but I hope not.

This isn't my first pregnancy with this man so I don't get why he's behaving like this now when he didn't before?!

OP posts:
GrannyHaddock · 21/08/2019 14:02

This all sounds dreadful, OP. If he is as deliberately hopeless, helpless and frankly selfish and lazy now, what use is he going to be when there is a baby in the picture too?

CacenCrunch · 21/08/2019 14:12

He sounds awful. Could you sit down and talk to him about the issues?

MissDew · 21/08/2019 14:14

This isn't my first pregnancy with this man so I don't get why he's behaving like this now when he didn't before?!

Ask him this question out right.

Ask him if he's frightened that this pregnancy will end in heartbreak too. Ask him out right if he wanted to end the relationship but now feels he ought to stay because you are pregnant.

He's taking his fear or attitude or both out on you. Does he think, 'what's the point in being nice, we could lose this pregnancy.'

Tell him he's not acting like a good Dad to the baby and it's not even born yet.

He cba putting out the bins and removing the dog poo from the garden but it's ok with him for you to do it despite being pregnant with a history of miscarriages ?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/08/2019 14:18

Watching TV too loudly: inconsiderate.

Purposely letting the puppy in so you can't go back to sleep: manipulative

Saying a dirty house is 'your fault': sexist twat.

I really think you've got your work cut out for yourself. He's not going to be much help with a screaming newborn at 4am, is he?

Be very wary and don't put up with any crap; however passive. I would be watching for any signs of abuse. As many others have said, it often begins during pregnancy.

CobraGoose · 21/08/2019 14:20

Is it all entirely new behaviour ? Or did you sometimes feel like you were walking on eggshells around him before? Or being careful how you phrased things, when you asked him to do something, or brought up something that bothered you - in case you upset him?

Does he sulk? Have you ever apologised for bringing up something you wanted to talk about, because you then realised that maybe you were the one in the wrong after all?

Marcipex · 21/08/2019 14:31

He put the bins out last week?
Jeez what a dick.

Viticulture · 22/08/2019 12:53

Yeah, changed my mind. Sounds like a prat. My DP has never quibbled about doing the dirty jobs. I never have to ask him. He warns me before he uses chemicals like mould spray. He does the cat litter, feeds the cat, does the washing up, takes out the bins and changes the bed. The only things he forgets are to change and wash towels, and I do most of the cooking. Though in 1st and 2nd trimester when I was very unwell, he did all the cooking, too.

Because of this, I can tolerate and not worry too much about some wobbles about his free time. I know I can count on him, he is a good egg. These men do exist.

If it's a complete personality change and all this used to be fine with him that is very strange and something big must have changed in how he feels, either about baby, you, or his life.

crappyday2018 · 22/08/2019 13:16

God this man is deliberately winding you up. My ex could be a bit like this. He would often listen to his podcast (with headphones) in bed but it was full blast and I could hear it. If I said anything he would get annoyed. His snoring was also horrendous but refused to try anything to improve it. He would get up early on a Sunday (when I was trying to lie in) and crash dishes about in the kitchen!
He's an ex now.

blackcat86 · 22/08/2019 13:17

Please make sure you have sufficient support when baby arrives. DH did this and has only now started resolve now baby is 1. Going back to work early from mat leave helped as did learning to make a fuss. If he moans or sulks then go to a ridiculous level. The house is dirty - yes we should move or burn it down. This shit hole is a lost cause. The traffic was bad because of a tractor - I would kill all farmers personally. You get the idea. It sounds weird but trust be it works. Or have the guts I havent and leave I guess. Very prepared to be doing 99% of parenting and house work and to be high risk for PND

hellsbellsmelons · 22/08/2019 16:05

He is basically 'torturing' you.
He's vile.
You need to have a very frank chat with him.
While you are pregnant, bins are his domain.
They make you heave and you won't be doing them again.
If he can't do his fair share in the house then he can fuck off out of it.
You really need your boundaries in place now OP.
Things will only get worse once there is a baby at home.
He needs to step up - RIGHT NOW.
Or he gets out.
You will be fine doing this on your own.
You have family and support and you don't actually NEED him.
All he is doing right now is making your pregnancy miserable.
What is the point of him?????

billy1966 · 22/08/2019 16:27

My goodness OP, he is deliberately stressing you and winding you up.

He sounds like an absolute pig of a man.

Well you know now exactly how little he thinks about you.

Your move.

crappyday2018 · 22/08/2019 16:32

He seriously needs to be taken out with the bins!

Original poster
JustWantSleep · 23/08/2019 11:53

His behaviour has got worse. I'm completely in bits. Think it might be over as I can't see a way out of this he is irritable and defensive and lashes if I make even the smallest polite request.

Completely at a loss as to why he is behaving like this. Don't think it's an affair.

Completely heartbroken can't stop crying

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWantSleep · 23/08/2019 11:55

Somebody help me im just so miserable

OP posts:
Jaffacakesaremyfave · 23/08/2019 11:59

I'm so sorry OP.

Completely at a loss as to why he is behaving like this.

He's emotionally abusive and I think a narcissist (total lack of empathy and feels entitled to do what he wants). He doesnt care about you at all which he is quite clearly showing by his behaviour.

If you criticise a narc (no matter how gently) they will lash out. I'm sure I posted some links up thread which may be worth a look into.

These men are incapable of change (or empathy for that matter) so you can either leave now or accept that this is his TRUE character and this is how he will always be. The nice bits were just an act until he knew you were trapped by being pregnant with his child. It's very common in abusive relationships which many people have already mentioned.

I fear this is just the start of his abuse and will get much worse if you stay

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