Partner keeps waking me up and gets angry when I object

[JustWantSleep]

I'm 5 weeks pregnant and very tired. Thursday night I was in bed and had just put the light up when my partner came to bed. He was whatsapping a friend the the sounds on and the volume high. I asked him several times to be quiet and he stormed off to sleep in the spare room. In the morning he refused to speak to me and let the puppy into the bedroom at 7am so I couldn't go back to sleep. Friday is an off duty day for me and I was really hoping for a lie in.

This weekend we're visiting my parents and there's a TV in the guest room. He turned it on when we went to bed and I wanted to sleep. He had the volume on quite quiet but it was a violent film with lots of screaming and I couldn't sleep through it. He eventually turned it off after midnight after about 20min and an argument. This morning I was still sleeping when he turned the TV on again at about 8.30pm and started channel hopping and woke me up. I'm still really tired and he's refusing to speak to me. He says I'm taking away his freedom. I think he's being an inconsiderate arse and the bedroom is for sleeping. I'm so tired I feel like crying. Am I overreacting?

How are you OP?

Thanks for asking.

I didn't leave him. Not because I'm ok with the way he treated me, but because I can't go from fully invested talking about marriage and having a baby together to booting him out the door in a space of a week.

We had a talk yesterday and after some initial resistance he seems to have developed a better attitude. Cooked dinner last night and lunch today. We have both been tackling a lot of housework (as the house was a tip and getting us both down) but he has done the majority of it today and yesterday.

More importantly, he seems to have twigged that I am actually pregnant and is showing concern for my physical and emotional well-being, making sure I'm eating (I've been really nauseous and have lost weight), remembering that I can't do any heavy lifting etc. Today I no longer feel like I'm doing this all by myself.

Due to our previous losses we get a reassurance scan which is a week Monday (the first weekday after 7 weeks). Hopefully we will see a baby and a heartbeat. If the relationship isn't good after then I'll need to reevaluate where things are headed.

It's hard because i've been pregnant by him before so it doesn't seem to be a case of "I've trapped her now so can drop the pretence of being a decent person", I wonder if he's been in denial about this pregnancy because of the previous losses. Not that that excuses his terrible behaviour. But it might go some way towards explaining it.

I know mumsnet is going to be disappointed that I haven't binned him already. But I'm not convinced we've reached the end of the line yet and I don't want to do this alone (whether this is parenting or going through another miscarriage).

I know mumsnet is going to be disappointed that I haven't binned him already

It's not that they'll be disappointed.. it's that they know the patterns of these men..

Watch him, be wary, expect.this "new" him to last about a fortnight before he slips back.. of he doesnt, fantastic and happy life.. but he might and then you'll be back at square one further into being pregnant and closer to birth. At that point you'll not want to leave because baby is due soon. Then you'll not leave because baby is tiny.. then because it's weaning.. then because it's potty training etc etc etc. But.. he may not revert...

You shouldn't HAVE to keep talking to someone about their behaviour, lovely, when you're in early pregnancy and exhausted.

He won't be able to keep the pretense up for long if that's what it is....... and don't keep giving him chances. You need to be looking after no 1 right now, and not someone who's treating you like shit when you don't deserve it

You sound positive and like you feel you’ve made progress.

You’re aware of what to look for so bare that in mind moving forward and don’t be afraid to assert yourself.

I’m crossing everything for a healthy pregnancy for you this time, you must be very stressed and worried.

I can heartily recommend TOMM on Facebook for cleaning. It’s made our house so much easier to keep up to.

OP, only you can set the standard by which you will be treated.

It really is that simple.

I'm wishing you kindness and success.

He doesn't sound like he properly loves you hun xxx

He maybe scared to believe it because of the previous miscarriage. You both lost a baby. Suggest he buys some wireless ear buds if he wants to listen to programmes in bed. I would not be without them on the nights sleep eludes me and OH is snoring blissfully.

www.amazon.co.uk/HEMRLY-Headphones-Bluetooth-Cancelling-Microphones/dp/B07HL2R9H9/ref=sr_1_32?rnid=1642288031&s=gateway&crid=P1VSNBPZNQFA&keywords=earbuds+headphones+wireless&sprefix=ear+buds%2Caps%2C235&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1566682450&refinements=p_72%3A419153031%2Cp_n_srvg_1642288031%3A1601125031&sr=8-32

How's the puppy?

I can't believe you have a puppy when your going to have a newborn. That's hard going- hope he steps up.

It’s not that people on here want to see other people’s relationships break up.

But many fear that this will now be your life: he acts like shit, he behaves ok for a while, he acts like shit, he behaves for a while. Just enough so that you are miserable and insecure but willing to put up with it for some bullshit ‘better’ future that will never happen.

If you are OK with that, go forth with this relationship. But don’t be under any illusion that things will actually get better.

He’s a selfish dick and it’s a matter of time that he shows his true side again. I’d be walking away from this relationship. It’s ducked up.

But I'm not convinced we've reached the end of the line yet

I feel so sad that “the end of the line” is where you’ve set your bar, OP.

It appears the end of your line is so far over the horizon it is out of sight

Good luck with the pregnancy

It's only been a week. A week is not long to get your head around your whole life and future being different than you thought. Give the OP a break. Her eyes have been opened and she may well end her relationship in the future, but she doesn't deserve criticism because she doesn't do it exactly when MN posters tell her to.

Nobody’s telling her what to do ffs.

We are sharing our knowledge and understanding of abusive behaviour because it’s so hard to see it when you’re in it.

Oh bless your heart ...go to a friend or family. You need a big hug and TLC. Get away from him ..he is vile . Xxx

OP I really don't want you to think this is normal. I'm 26 weeks just now and due to previous loss this pregnancy was different. DH was much more guarded and less enthusiastic than he had been before but he wasn't cruel. He didn't show much interest in baby but he was still interested in me and caring for me. Even when I've had completely unreasonable hormone induced melt downs.
Now that we can feel him move and we have less than 14 weeks to go (which definitely doesn't fill me with panic) he's on the ball as much as he can be. You're both entitled to need time to process this but he doesn't get to mistreat you.

I honestly do wish you all the best and I empathise because I've been there.
But.
I'm no longer there- I fled with my baby (when she was 1) in the middle of the night , only after things had been pushed infinitely too far, so so many times over. Enough was enough and I didn't want my baby growing up around this,abusive, manipulate man.
DD is now 8. I'm still single but have never once regretted leaving him. We have an amazingly close relationship (he hasn't seen her since she was 3.5 years). Words cant describe how low my opinion of him is but I know this type of personality can't and won't change.
Yes there were numerous times over the years I looked back through rose tinted specs at how 'nice' he could be. But nothing cod make up for the vile abuse and I'm sorry to say, your man has already shown his true colours. They can all be 'nice' at times, but is that enough for you?

'Why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft is a frank and amazingly useful book. It could have been written solely about my ex.

I can only say that with the benefit of hindsight, I don't believe it's possible for these types of men to change. It made me deeply miserable and I have no regrets being rid.

Good luck.

Well, I hope this change in his behaviour is permanent and not just temporary good behaviour. If you see any slipping back to how he's been, you need to call him on it straight away and make it clear you won't accept it. His reaction to this will tell you everything. You don't want to be in a spiral of him behaving like a shit, then a few weeks of improving, then reverting back. That's no life and not a good environment for kids either. We all have our ups and down, but if the downs outweighs the ups, then it's time to call it a day.

maintain your independence from this man if you won't chuck him out or terminate. so many red flags here.

Night times with a baby are going to be fun with him.

Be very careful about your finances. If the house is yours I wouldn't get married. As it stands you have the choice to throw him out, and he knows that.