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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Aibu to walk away now because of this?

82 replies

Kegaltime · 13/08/2019 02:38

Im new here, but not really as I’ve often used mn for advice, weight loss etc. I’m 39, divorced a year now after 11 years married so this is all new to me and recently met a guy (3 months) on OLD, also divorced, he is late 40s with 2 daughters, 18 and 21. Things are getting more serious, spent the whole weekend together and he’s said he loves me and I think I’m feeling the same. I had a bad marriage, some DV, Liar and gaslighter, and am at the stage where I’d just like a straight forward relationship with someone I can trust.
On Sunday night, shortly before he left mine, he’d taken a really unflattering photo of me earlier and I had asked him to delete, at first he joked and said he would keep it forever, but could see I was embarrassed so said he would but he’d do it later, and he didn’t. He was in the loo so I decided to delete it myself, he’s let me use his phone camera before, and send messages when my phone wasn’t handy, so didn’t think it was a problem quickly deleting a picture of me. In his camera roll he’s got 100s of pictures of nude girls, they are all like nude selfies, not models, just women and girls in their bedrooms, at work, in cars, showing their fanjos, boobs, bums, and I say girls because lots were 18, they had captions on all the photos, like 18 and here’s my pussy, etc.
I don’t really have a problem with porn use, well I didn’t, I know my xh used it but It didn’t bother me because it kept him busy and away from me. But this feels different, his own daughters are the age of some of these pictures and I can’t help now but feel there’s something not right about it and he’s not someone I’d want to go any further with. Am I overreacting? Is this just normal for men now? I don’t feel jealous, just kind of sick.

OP posts:
AllyBamma · 13/08/2019 03:00

Ugh gross. It’s one thing to access pornhub or whatever in times of ‘need’ but to just have 100s right there on his camera roll? That’s quite off to me. Has he been single long?

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 13/08/2019 03:13

Oh gross. I really can't understand why anyone would have this on their phone. It's not something I'd be comfortable with.

Kegaltime · 13/08/2019 03:17

He’s been divorced nearly 4 years. Maybe too much time alone? All these pictures are recent, since we met, it’s like he takes a picture of his dog, then 6 nude screenshots, then screenshot of a cinema booking then 10 nudes, and so on, the last group of nudes was Thursday morning. It just makes me feel so icky. I haven’t said anything yet, but he senses I’ve gone cold as he keeps messaging me asking if I’m sure I enjoyed the weekend and if I’m ok.

OP posts:
Alicewond · 13/08/2019 03:19

You joined a site like this, did you honestly expect to meet someone other than a pervert?

Kegaltime · 13/08/2019 03:19

I suppose is it a deal breaker for most?

OP posts:
Kegaltime · 13/08/2019 03:19

@Alicewond Sorry? A site like what?

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 13/08/2019 03:23

YAnbu. That doesn’t fit with someone who’s all loved up, at the start of a new relationship.

A bit creepy to be honest. Sorry.

Brot64 · 13/08/2019 03:24

Ick !! It would be the end of the relationship for me.

Peakypolly · 13/08/2019 03:24

It makes me shudder a bit as well. I imagine he knows a lot of young women considering the ages of his DDs and I would have hoped that, seeing them as individuals, would have made him less inclined to perve over such images.
In this case I would not be able to continue the relationship (and I would tell him why)

Kegaltime · 13/08/2019 03:26

Not meaning to drip feed but he seems really nice and normal, he’s very kind and considerate, and is always doing nice things to surprise me. I’m abit shocked tbh, he dosnt seem the type, but I suppose I don’t know him long enough. I’m thinking that photo he wouldn’t delete was a blessing in disguise.

OP posts:
Alicewond · 13/08/2019 03:27

I’m sorry you went through what you did, but you met a man online, allowed him to take explicit pics. I’m sorry but hopefully others will see this as a warning, no one can undo what has been done to you. Will hopefully warn others though

Kegaltime · 13/08/2019 03:30

@Alicewond I’m not sure what you are talking about? None of the photos are of me? I would never take or send nudes?

OP posts:
CodLiverOil556 · 13/08/2019 03:31

@Kegaltime so he's still on OLD and asking for nudes? Get rid of him...and @Alicewond where did the OP say it was nude? Stop making things up in your head...lots of people meet online nowadays

Alicewond · 13/08/2019 03:34

@kegaltime “On Sunday night, shortly before he left mine, he’d taken a really unflattering photo of me earlier and I had asked him to delete,” and we should know this because we are mind readers?

Kegaltime · 13/08/2019 03:34

No, it looks like he’s taken pictures from Instagram or reddit or something like that, I know he’s on instagram all the time, but I didn’t realize they allowed pics like that on there. I mean really explicit.

OP posts:
Kegaltime · 13/08/2019 03:35

Hahaaaa a picture of my double chin😂

OP posts:
CodLiverOil556 · 13/08/2019 03:37

Hmmm I'd have to get to the bottom of it and ask where they came from. It's a dealbreaker for me, for sure. @Alicewond unflattering does not mean nude...I took it to mean a not very nice pic of OP

Brot64 · 13/08/2019 03:38

Don't know how explicit they are but Instagram does allow some form of nudes. Maybe these women or girls are sending him the pictures via WhatsApp or some other messaging app? Either way and no matter how nice he may seem, it would be a deal breaker for me. I simply wouldn't be able to trust him in future.

CodLiverOil556 · 13/08/2019 03:39

I've been OLD and have met a lovely bloke and we're 2 months in...if I found lots of nudes then it would be over especially ones so young and I don't think you can have nudes on insta

Tojigornot · 13/08/2019 03:41

Well, it’s not great is it? Although, if he’s otherwise looking promising, I would at least have a conversation about it before calling it a day. I’m not sure what he can say that makes it any better, but I would want to know what he has to say about it.

Ignore Alicewond - appears to be inhabiting a different planet.

Brot64 · 13/08/2019 03:42

Alice, your interpretation/assumption of unflattering pictures being nudes is interesting. It did make me laugh, particularly as you seem adamant that no other interpretation could be made from the OP's unflattering picture.

Kegaltime · 13/08/2019 03:43

The pictures were captioned, like 23 so horny at work, or 19 anyone else spending the summer nude? All different girls and different scenarios. Not like he’s getting them personally.

OP posts:
Brot64 · 13/08/2019 03:45

Ah! Don't think Instagram or even reddit allows the advertising of sex (if you can call it that). Probably a porn site or snapchat? What do you want to do about the situation?

Mileysmiley · 13/08/2019 03:49

He sounds lovely ... not!

Ditch him ... you don't want a man addicted to porn because they are nothing but trouble.

Alicewond · 13/08/2019 03:50

Actually @Brot64 I assumed given the op had already found lots of porn pics on his phone. earlier before much info given she stated she had asked him to delete a pic of her