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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Aibu to walk away now because of this?

82 replies

Kegaltime · 13/08/2019 02:38

Im new here, but not really as I’ve often used mn for advice, weight loss etc. I’m 39, divorced a year now after 11 years married so this is all new to me and recently met a guy (3 months) on OLD, also divorced, he is late 40s with 2 daughters, 18 and 21. Things are getting more serious, spent the whole weekend together and he’s said he loves me and I think I’m feeling the same. I had a bad marriage, some DV, Liar and gaslighter, and am at the stage where I’d just like a straight forward relationship with someone I can trust.
On Sunday night, shortly before he left mine, he’d taken a really unflattering photo of me earlier and I had asked him to delete, at first he joked and said he would keep it forever, but could see I was embarrassed so said he would but he’d do it later, and he didn’t. He was in the loo so I decided to delete it myself, he’s let me use his phone camera before, and send messages when my phone wasn’t handy, so didn’t think it was a problem quickly deleting a picture of me. In his camera roll he’s got 100s of pictures of nude girls, they are all like nude selfies, not models, just women and girls in their bedrooms, at work, in cars, showing their fanjos, boobs, bums, and I say girls because lots were 18, they had captions on all the photos, like 18 and here’s my pussy, etc.
I don’t really have a problem with porn use, well I didn’t, I know my xh used it but It didn’t bother me because it kept him busy and away from me. But this feels different, his own daughters are the age of some of these pictures and I can’t help now but feel there’s something not right about it and he’s not someone I’d want to go any further with. Am I overreacting? Is this just normal for men now? I don’t feel jealous, just kind of sick.

OP posts:
theministryhasfallen · 13/08/2019 03:51

You need to explain why you're no longer interested.

Tell him you spent too many years in an insecure place, and that seeing his camera roll has taken you mentally to a place where you question everything about the relationship you've developed.

You don't want to be in a relationship where you're constantly wondering if you're good enough, sexy enough, basically enough in general.

Porn use isn't unusual in itself - but the storing of 100s of images on his phone has unsettled you to the point where you'd rather stop, wish him well, but you're not wanting to move forward with the relationship anymore.

Brot64 · 13/08/2019 03:56

@Alicewond re-read the OP again. Can see how such an assumption can be made, given that the next sentence after OP deleting her picture was the finding of nudes. Although I still thought she just meant any ordinary unflattering picture of her.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 13/08/2019 03:59

It would be a deal breaker for me. Sounds incredibly creepy.

SaraNade · 13/08/2019 04:01

So some are from last Thursday, and only, say 2 to 3 days later, he says he loves you. In my opinion, if he loved you, it wouldn't even enter his mind to look at pictures like those.

I would simply be honest with him and tell him you went to delete your picture from his phone and saw all his 'explicit' photos, that you are not interested in anyone who looks at such explicit porn, and hence you think it's best you don't see each other anymore.

Short, simple. Explains everything. Just text him that.

Sadiesnakes · 13/08/2019 04:01

It sounds like gonewild on reddit. Disgusting sub where young girls and women all pose nude for men to wank over.

Dump and run like the wind.

Alicewond · 13/08/2019 04:05

@Brot64 you are correct and I apologise OP. I did misunderstand by reading a thread too fast. He does seem a pervert, I misread the pics of you, I apologise and hope you move on from him to a happier life

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 13/08/2019 04:08

Ughhhhh. Get rid of him, that's nasty, especially as his DD's are similar ages. I agree with @SaraNade, text him and explain why you're ending it.

HoneyBeeHappy · 13/08/2019 04:15

You can’t unsee what you saw. However I don’t think it’s ok to go through his phone just two months in. Seeing what you did doesn’t make it ok.

surlycurly · 13/08/2019 04:27

You shouldn't have looked at his phone. However thank goodness you did. Dodge a bullet OP, he's clearly got different standards to you. And to be frank he sounds like an old creep!

Jemima232 · 13/08/2019 04:37

Kegaltime I am sorry but I think you need to call time on this before it gets serious.

As you say, some of the pictures are of women who are the same age as this man's daughter.

I wouldn't be able to stay with a man whose phone was full of images like this.

Coyoacan · 13/08/2019 04:42

The confession of love three months in is also a red flag, OP. I think you might do well taking the Freedom Programme. And I think are quite right to get rid of this one. You already have feelings for him, so it will be hard, but better now than later.

FuriousVexation · 13/08/2019 05:34

I personally love porn (I make some myself) but having a load of it of the same age or younger than my son....? Nahhhhhhh

I think get out now OP before you get any more emotionally invested. As a PP said, he's accidentally done you a massive favour here.

(BTW had he actually deleted the picture he took that you didn't like? Sorry if I missed that)

And FWIW this pics are probably coming via Snapchat, Tumblr or Twitter. Insta (owned by FB) don't allow nudes.

Gladiolus45 · 13/08/2019 07:09

Yuk! that would definitely have me running for the door.

VivaLeBeaver · 13/08/2019 07:18

Does he know you've seen them? If so what did he say?

If he doesn't know you need to talk. But no matter what he says I don't think I could come back from that. I'm sure my dh looks at porn sometimes and I don't care if he does. But having hundreds of pics actually on his phone seems a different level.

ChristmasFluff · 13/08/2019 07:24

Dear OP, please do not doubt yourself. You can end a relationship for any reason, anything that turns you off. It isn't up for a vote or a negotiation. I say that because DV relationships make people doubt themselves. Trust yourself.

FWIW, I think this sounds vile and I would have ended it on the spot and told him why. But you don't have to tell him why, and I 100 per cent suspect that if you try to explain yourself too much, he will gaslight you. I would keep it factual, and refuse to engage in a conversation about it - do the 'broken record' technique of 'I'm disgusted at the photos on your phone and no longer want to see you.' (He starts 'well but....') 'Yes, but I'm disgusted by the photos on your phone and no longer want to see you.'

It's 3 months - he's been sending his 'best representative' so far. He's probably been fast-forwarding and love-bombing too - if so, you have yourself another abuser and this is a blessing in disguise.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 13/08/2019 07:39

Also - he took a picture of you that you didn't like. You asked him to delete it, but he said he'd "do it later" but then didn't . You knew he wouldn't, so you felt that you needed to do it yourself.

In itself, that doesn't rise to the point of a dumping offence, but it is a warning flag.

PhilCornwall1 · 13/08/2019 07:42

I can tell you, as a bloke it isn't normal by any means to have a phone full of filth. I'm as open minded as anyone (well, perhaps not anyone!), but the ages of the women in the photos is creepy, he's old enough to be their father!!

God knows what planet @Alicewond is on either, but whatever you're taking, can I have some too?

ConfCall · 13/08/2019 07:50

It’s grim. I think you should tell him that it is not working for you, and move on. Don’t get involved in negotiations. Stand your ground.

I sgeee that the early declaration of love and the refusal to delete your disliked pic, are slightly worrying signs too.

Notwiththeseknees · 13/08/2019 07:52

The keeping of an unflattering photo despite being asked to delete it would be the first red flag for me. Discovering his 'collection' would be the second. No way would I be hanging around for a third......

SallyWD · 13/08/2019 07:59

I don't have a problem with occaisional porn use but I'd feel very uncomfortable to find so many of these images on my husband's camera roll. I think you need to discuss it with him.

missedith01 · 13/08/2019 08:02

You need to explain why you're no longer interested.

Is this a joke? Why does the OP need to explain and why does she need to do it by revealing her past traumatic relationship to this man?

If this makes you uncomfortable tell him you're not interested and move on. At this stage you don't owe him anything and he doesn't owe you anything.

I hope you meet someone nicer, OP, if that's what you want.
Flowers

ZaZathecat · 13/08/2019 08:04

A friend of mine sends me jokes/memes on WhatsApp almost daily. I tend yo ignore them as not particularly funny. I only realised recently though that they all go into my photo gallery by default. Could it be he's being sent these photos by a 'helpful' friend and is unaware they are all saved on his phone?

LittleWing80 · 13/08/2019 08:09

That early in the relationship and he is actively seeking to see all these other women nudes, I would leave him to it too and run a mile. You don’t need give him an explanation or do anything you don’t want to (if you feel uncomfortable with confronting him).

Ohyesiam · 13/08/2019 08:21

You need to explain why you're no longer interested.
You so don’t .the only thing you need to explain is that you won’t be seeing him again. If you feel bad about it op just keep it firmly in your mind that these pictures were of girls the same ages as his daughters. Yuk.

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 08:25

Are you sure he's not just taking screenshots of cam girls online? I don't think that's a big deal,myself.

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