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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Aibu to walk away now because of this?

82 replies

Kegaltime · 13/08/2019 02:38

Im new here, but not really as I’ve often used mn for advice, weight loss etc. I’m 39, divorced a year now after 11 years married so this is all new to me and recently met a guy (3 months) on OLD, also divorced, he is late 40s with 2 daughters, 18 and 21. Things are getting more serious, spent the whole weekend together and he’s said he loves me and I think I’m feeling the same. I had a bad marriage, some DV, Liar and gaslighter, and am at the stage where I’d just like a straight forward relationship with someone I can trust.
On Sunday night, shortly before he left mine, he’d taken a really unflattering photo of me earlier and I had asked him to delete, at first he joked and said he would keep it forever, but could see I was embarrassed so said he would but he’d do it later, and he didn’t. He was in the loo so I decided to delete it myself, he’s let me use his phone camera before, and send messages when my phone wasn’t handy, so didn’t think it was a problem quickly deleting a picture of me. In his camera roll he’s got 100s of pictures of nude girls, they are all like nude selfies, not models, just women and girls in their bedrooms, at work, in cars, showing their fanjos, boobs, bums, and I say girls because lots were 18, they had captions on all the photos, like 18 and here’s my pussy, etc.
I don’t really have a problem with porn use, well I didn’t, I know my xh used it but It didn’t bother me because it kept him busy and away from me. But this feels different, his own daughters are the age of some of these pictures and I can’t help now but feel there’s something not right about it and he’s not someone I’d want to go any further with. Am I overreacting? Is this just normal for men now? I don’t feel jealous, just kind of sick.

OP posts:
Soosiesue · 13/08/2019 08:30

The fact he didn’t delete the photo if you that you didn’t like is a red flag enough for me! Why did he need to keep it? To embarrass you in the future?

The photos of the girls his daughters age is the straw that breaks the camels back.

Dump him

AngelasAshes · 13/08/2019 08:30

If I were in long term exclusive relationship and found these, then yes I would be grossed out and want the pictures to go or he can walk.

BUT you have only been dating him for 3 months. He has been divorced for 4yrs. This could be a pretty sex-less period of life for him and I don’t see the difference between having nude photos to look at versus watching pornhub now and then. I’d rather be seeing a man who wanked to nudes and porn than visited prostitutes or had one night stands.

I would bring up the subject of porn & nude pics in general though...it may be a crutch he is using for wanking while single. Men use visual aids, women have sex toys.

Skittlenommer · 13/08/2019 08:33

I wouldn’t have an issue with photos of girls on his phone.

Although I would absolutely have an issue with him not immediately deleting the photo you asked him to delete and already dropping the love word into the relationship!

Kegaltime · 13/08/2019 08:34

Well I messaged him this morning and told him what I seen when I deleted my picture. He said he knew because he checked and seen the picture deleted. I told him that I’m very uncomfortable about all the pictures and the ages and he became defensive and said they are just pics and men just like a variety of women. He said he didn’t think I’d be upset and wouldn’t of had them if he knew I’d be sensitive to them, and just a bit of fun. I’ve told him I really can’t get on with the fact they were so young, I have 2 daughters 14 and 15 and I know I’d just never be able to fully trust him after this. He knows it’s over but he’s asked me to think about it and could we talk on Friday, that it’s not an issue for him to stop doing If id like to continue. I’ve said I’ll let him know Friday if I do want to meet, but I really don’t now, I keep remembering the pictures I got to see and the girls were barely out of secondary, sixth form. No I’ve decided it’s not for me.
Thanks to everyone’s opinion helping me be sure my feeling are right, I thought I might just be being uncool.

OP posts:
Skittlenommer · 13/08/2019 08:37

@kegaltime most likely saved yourself a ton of grief in the future! Smile

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 13/08/2019 08:38

Op I think you have made the right choice. Flowers

Kewlwife · 13/08/2019 08:38

Lots of guys are into younger women and women who work in the sex industry are often encouraged to market themselves as younger than they are. A bit of photoshop and they do look 18.

I think you're being naive if you think a God awful lot of men don't find that whole young thing, big perfect boobs and flat tummies physically attractive. That's not to say they'd have a relationship with an 18 year old, but they won't mind wanking over one. That's reality.

Think Stuart the Dentist in Hangover 1 telling his crazy fiancee that he hates strip clubs and strippers as they're "someone's daughter" but then he does to Vegas and marries one. They're basically mocking the old trope of guys pretending to their wives that they are not into sleaze.

AGenericUsername · 13/08/2019 08:41

YANBU and you've done the right thing. I felt sick when I read your op. They could be his daughters. You're definitely not being 'uncool'.

Chocalatecappuccino · 13/08/2019 08:47

YADNBU. That is gross and really creepy.

I had the exact same thing with an ex, I accidentally discovered hundreds of pictures of women on his phone. They were in various states of undress and some looked really young. I talked to him about it and he said that they were photos sent by friends. But there were hundreds, maybe thousands, and it just seemed a convenient excuse as well. He also did have a problem with porn. Although we broke up later for different reasons, I'm glad we're over as I see now what a red flag that is.

I would say walk away OP, this man has shown you who he is. Believe him.

LazyLizzy · 13/08/2019 08:48

You did the right thing OP. You're only 3 months in and that would change my opinion of him Flowers

AnnonniMoose · 13/08/2019 08:52

When he says he won't do it again, it simply means he'll hide them better next time. You made the right choice.

LuluBellaBlue · 13/08/2019 08:54

Well done OP, this is something he may of been able to stop (hide) for a while but he has a serious problem to be wanting photos younger than his own daughters! Envy

CIareIsland · 13/08/2019 09:18

Well done for finishing this. On reflection did your “creepometer” kick in at any point before?

His reaction was to minimise.

You have just mentioned your own daughters ages - this would be a big alarm for me. God knows what is going on in his head.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 13/08/2019 09:24

There's no way he'd stop doing it. Glad you've dumped him. Please don't let him persuade you to give him another chance. He's a sleazy pervert getting off on photos of women the same age as his daughters. I actually feel quite sick reading about it. They all seem decent and normal-that's how they get away with it.

Beautiful3 · 13/08/2019 09:26

I think you did the right thing really.

LittleWing80 · 13/08/2019 09:34

You did the right thing. He won’t stop (clearly didn’t stop when got together with you and told you he loved you, he didn’t see a problem with it either). He will just do it behind your back. Hope you meet a decent guy, good luck 🤗

namechangerreloaded87 · 13/08/2019 10:40

I don't think his behaviour is particularly creepy, the women in the pics are all over 18? Undesirable, yes. And it's about how it makes you feel. That's all that matters. You've told him its relationship-ending in your eyes, he's taken that on board. I'd keep an open mind as to how it proceeds.

wibbletooth · 13/08/2019 11:54

OP - just want to check if you double deleted the pic off his phone? Lots of phones put in a failsafe 'deleted' or similar directory when you delete a pic, where the deleted photos are kept for 30 days before being properly deleted... Great if you accidentally delete a lovely pic of your kids when trying to sort through your photos, you get to undelete it. Not so great if it is you trying to ensure a photo has been properly deleted from somebody else's phone...

And that's without wondering about cloud/similar settings...

Sorry if you know this already and have already got it covered - but I've discovered that lots of people don't realise that this facility exists - so just in case you do see him again and check his phone remember to check for the 'deleted' directory! (I don't use the cloud or google photos etc so don't know how you'd check on them.)

midcenturylegs · 13/08/2019 12:17

Hey @Kegaltime on MN there's a tendency to often jump to react with LTB but in this case everyone is right. He could argue that he'll remove all the pics and not do it again but I think you posting here has meant you're uncomfortable with it at the very least. Hopefully the above messages have given you the validation you need. Stay strong and stick to your guns.
I'm sorry this hasn't worked out for you 💐

RushianDisney · 13/08/2019 12:34

Sounds like he is getting the pictures from 'gonewild' on reddit. I personally don't like porn, but others can do as they wish, but I would find the obsession with girls as young as his daughters a deal breaker. You've dodged a bullet OP

ZaZathecat · 13/08/2019 16:02

Well your update has blown my theory out of the water. It's creepy and YANBU to get rid.

Scorpiovenus · 13/08/2019 16:41

yea flush that one. Pervert

ConfCall · 13/08/2019 18:33

Well done OP. The update with the ages of your daughters....well....he could have ended up perving over them or their mates in a couple of years’ time, given he has a thing about barely-legals. You’re well rid of him.

CIareIsland · 15/08/2019 11:35

OP have you decided whether to meet him tomorrow to explain or not?

I hope that you have decided not to meet him and have let him know.

Your “creepometer” is on high alert. He will only continue to minimise his actions as he has done to date and deflect it on to you. Or beg etc - all manipulative.

Keep strong and think about how your DDs and their friends will not be leered at or perverd over.

I think it is v telling that he has all of these images from recent days when he was in an active sexual relationship with you. This might only be the tip of the iceberg. You don’t know this man - his “niceness” was fake.

Pineapple70 · 15/08/2019 12:02

I think the love bombing and declarations of love are really big red flags. Then the refusal to delete a photo that makes you uncomfortable seems very controlling, another red flag.
You're very lucky to have discovered the porn when and how you did.
Hope you don't bother to meet up with him again.