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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friends, Exh and OW

84 replies

Pogmella · 12/08/2019 07:49

Just found out last night my close girlfriends of 10yrs+ have been regularly seeing Exh and OW for dinner for the last few months. They were close with Exh and I understand why they want to see him but I simply cannot comprehend, only 2 years past divorce what they could have to say to her. I can’t tell them who to see and I can’t be cool with this so... that’s it, right? Lost friends Sad

OP posts:
hellodarkness · 12/08/2019 08:02

Yes that's hurtful. They will spin it as 'not wanting to take sides' but, as your friends, it is very disloyal. The fact that they hid it from you shows that they knew they were behaving like shits.

Sadly yes, lost friends. IME it is not uncommon after divorce to realise who your real friends are, and it is not always who you expected.

prawnsword · 12/08/2019 08:07

That must sting... at the risk of sounding juvenile,,who’s friends were they 1st ? I would look to widen you social circles unless you want to keep this connection with your ex & OW!

Original poster
Pogmella · 12/08/2019 08:21

So they’re uni friends and we met at the same time. They don’t seem to see it’s not like a normal divorce/break up... I feel a bit gaslit tbh. If we’d split and then she was a new uninvolved girlfriend I wouldn’t feel like this. I just don’t see how a friend of mine could meet her and not say ‘how you treated my friend was awful’. The OW was a colleague who knew me and my circumstances (small baby and recently lost my mum).

OP posts:
ErniesGhostlyGoldtops · 12/08/2019 08:24

That is shit OP. I can see why you would want to lose them.

Original poster
Pogmella · 12/08/2019 08:28

Thank you. It’s helpful to hear I’m not some total drama llama. I’ve just spent all evening yesterday quite tearful and I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. Frankly I’ve spent enough nights crying over the past few years.

OP posts:
Beerincomechampagnetastes · 12/08/2019 08:29

It must be awkward for them - but diddums!!! That’s nothing compared to what the ow and your dh put you through. They are either spineless or they seem themselves as his friends.... sorry op - either way....Ditch them.

Sorry Flowers

cocomelon23 · 12/08/2019 08:30

I would feel exactly the same as you op Flowers

ZenNudist · 12/08/2019 08:35

Yes disloyal. I get that they probably like your ex but it is too much to strike up a friendship with OW.

Such a hard position to be in. I suggest you don't make a big drama about it, just quietly back away from them and if they ask you why you don't want to see them anymore explain that you feel that they've made their choice.

In the meantime put yourself out there for finding new friends it may feel like the end of the world now losing those friends on top of what else you've lost. But believe me new people will come along and before you know it you have forged very strong friendships with them too.

Of course it will take time but it's not worth hanging onto the past.

Witchinaditch · 12/08/2019 08:35

Is your ex driving the meet ups? I wonder if he is just trying to get in there first to “win” the friends so to speak. I know it’s hurtful but both your ex and Ow have taken so
Much from you don’t like them take this also, don’t be a victim I wouldn’t say oh well lost friends I would meet up with them and Have a great time, don’t let him take your friends as well- he will want you to take a step back, don’t let them know you're bothered. Good luck Op, I wish you the best

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 12/08/2019 08:37

Do not enter into a competition to ‘win’ the friends op.
You deserve so much better, do not lower yourself.
Move onwards and upwards. There are better people out there Star

Loveislandaddict · 12/08/2019 08:40

I can understand why you are hurt. However, it’s now been two years, and it sounds like they have always been friends with exh, and want to continue that friendship. Even though they may not like what ow has done, they may still like her as a person.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 12/08/2019 08:42

I had friends that were very upfront that they wouldn’t chose between me and my ex as they were friends with both us from the same time.

It absolutely stung as a lot came out about his cheating and general rubbish behaviour but he hadn’t done anything wrong to them.

As hard as it is, it sounds like they were friends with both of you and didn’t want to chose sides.

In my case I think it was easier as they didn’t hide the fact that they were still in contact and I suspect it feels in your case they have gone behind your back.

Original poster
Pogmella · 12/08/2019 08:43

Without sounding arrogant, I’ve got plenty of friends. I’ve been in the same city a long time so while I am (was?) close with my uni friends I’ve also got another friend group which is maybe only 3 or 4 years younger than that one. They get it, fwiw.

When he left (well, got caught for the 2nd time and booted out Hmm ) he didn’t speak to anyone for about 18 months. I’ve recently got a boyfriend who they’ve all met and I’m happy and good and back in my feet... so one of them reached out to him.

They’ve said they are civil to her as they come as a pair but they don’t meet up to get to know her it’s a by product of seeing him. Give a fuck. They just don’t want the slightly awkward convo of saying ‘please don’t bring her’ plus, I imagine initially, some morbid curiosity about what she’s like.

Well she can do all the baby showers and Christmas get Togethers in my place now I guess, if she’s so fucking irresistible to everyone close to me...

OP posts:
Original poster
Pogmella · 12/08/2019 08:46

I don’t have an issue with them seeing him- I knew that was going on. It’s getting to know the OW with at no point calling her out on her treatment of me (as they did him). It’s tacitly condoning it.

OP posts:
Pretendapony · 12/08/2019 08:49

Let them go OP. If they’re that disloyal you don’t want them as friends!

bwydda · 12/08/2019 08:52

I'm so sorry your so hurt op. But I think after 2 years they aren't disloyal. They cannot exclude his long term partner forever if they are his friends. They've waited two years and for you to find a boyfriend. They aren't going shopping with her or being all matey - she's just there with their friend- your ex h.

As a friend I've had to grin and be nice to some absolutely horrible people (my best friend only seems to fall for twats) don't we all have to grin and bear friends boyfriends/ girlfriends?

Teddybear45 · 12/08/2019 08:59

Do you think they’re seeing him and the OW to rub in how good you have it now? If the meetings started recently that would be my first suspicion and I personally wouldn’t like that either but at least it’s understandable. Tell them how you feel, make it clear you aren’t telling them to pick sides, but that if this goes on you may well have to.

ems137 · 12/08/2019 08:59

I would never be friends, or even go out for dinner with someone who had hurt my friend by cheating with their husband whilst they had a small baby at home. However, I have come to realise that I am far more loyal than some people are. I would (and have) dropped friends who have done stuff like this!

Original poster
Pogmella · 12/08/2019 09:05

I can’t spend more evenings like I did last night. One couple live in a different city and visit infrequently; they’ve met up with them the last 3 times. I can’t enjoy seeing that couple if I know they’re off on to meet them the next day.

Maybe I should be cooler with it but for whatever reason I’m just not and I can’t keep hurting like this Sad i’m not asking them to choose but I also can’t allow them to unintentionally stamp on my feelings every few months.

There’s a wedding next year. Are they gearing up for us all to be there playing nice for the cameras? I just have little appetite for that, there’s no reason why they can’t respectfully ask he keep her away.

OP posts:
SymphonyofShadows · 12/08/2019 09:06

I would find it hurtful too but part of me would nominally stay in touch with them. If, as you suspect, she may be invited to things like baby showers and you are invited too, I’d go along just to make her feel as uncomfortable as possible. But then I’m a massive arsehole who would enjoy fucking with her.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 12/08/2019 09:14

It’s amazing to me that anyone would think that the ow would feel uncomfortable with op’s presence. Ow don’t follow normal social protocol - she’s quite happy to fuck a married colleague with a wife and baby at home and then break bread with her friends.... the chances are the ow will if fact enjoy fucking with op at these events.

OP - do not do anything in your life that doesn’t bring you joy. Do not socialise with anyone who doesn’t make you feel good to be around them. Do not attend any event that you will not enjoy. Do not explain, defend or justify your reasons for any of your feelings to anyone.
The only person you are answerable to is yourself.

Angrybird123 · 12/08/2019 09:20

It doesn't matter that's it been two years. The passing of time doesn't change what they did and the OPs life raising her child alone is different NOW than it would have been so it's not done and dusted, in the past. Unfortunately OP, you will likely be gaslit about this. If you object or cause a problem you are 'bitter' and 'not moving on' , rather than continually coping with the altered future this pair handed you.
I haven't had to deal with too much of this as my ex had very few friends and all of mine hated him even before he cheated!

You are entitled to feel how you feel and if they don't get it, or don't want the effort of having an awkward conversation to save your feelings, they aren't worth it.

MaeveDidIt · 12/08/2019 09:23

@Pogmella
Do not put yourself through it.
These 'friends' really aren't your friends - they're shallow bastards.
You don't need any reminders - leave them all in the past with the whole sorry episode.
Onwards and upwards - time is a great healer 💐

DerelictWreck · 12/08/2019 09:28

They’ve said they are civil to her as they come as a pair but they don’t meet up to get to know her it’s a by-product of seeing him.

I'm sorry OP but I think that's fair. Yes, it's completely shit and feels horrible, but it's not their fault that he cheated. Why should they lose a friend over this? If you make them choose, you won't win. I think you need to accept that this is between you and him, not them, and after two years they're allowed to see him again. Realistically if they want a friendship with him they are going to see her around.

Kaddm · 12/08/2019 09:29

I’d chuck them all without hesitation. The pain of an OW, family split when you have a baby, having recently lost your mum must be hideous. Your friends have chosen, by their actions, to condone your ex/ow behaviour. So I wouldn’t see them anymore.

I’d do it carefully though, by just declining invitations until they get less frequent. And I wouldn’t bother with the wedding next year.

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