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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friends, Exh and OW

84 replies

Pogmella · 12/08/2019 07:49

Just found out last night my close girlfriends of 10yrs+ have been regularly seeing Exh and OW for dinner for the last few months. They were close with Exh and I understand why they want to see him but I simply cannot comprehend, only 2 years past divorce what they could have to say to her. I can’t tell them who to see and I can’t be cool with this so... that’s it, right? Lost friends Sad

OP posts:
ErniesGhostlyGoldtops · 12/08/2019 09:36

if you make them choose, you won't win

But you should win. You will win if you dump them because you maintain your integrity. They should be on nodding in the street terms only with him and her. They are a pair of skeevie cheating scumbags and your 'friends' are condoning this by association.

Back off slowly. Do nothing rash or you will look like a loon because people are quick to judge. Enjoy people that see your side.

Original poster
Pogmella · 12/08/2019 09:41

I have unfriended them and blocked. Which is no doubt crazy. But I don’t want to be waiting for them to call with their reasons/excuses or knowing they’re not calling and hoping I’ll just forget about it.

If he can do all he did and keep their respect I guess I can do whatever the fuck I like, right...

OP posts:
Tojigornot · 12/08/2019 09:41

I generally find that it’s a bad idea to cut off your nose to spite your face.

Original poster
Pogmella · 12/08/2019 09:44

Probably. Bit bored of sitting passively around accepting what people think I deserve though.

OP posts:
amroc18 · 12/08/2019 09:44

I think to be honest that it’s them socialising with your ex-h that should be the problem here if there is one. Yes she was complicit but he was the one that broke your marriage vows, his promise to you.

I’m not saying she is sunlight and roses and is obviously complicit but if they are looking at being loyal to you it’s him should be pointing the finger at. I don’t see how hanging out with her is any worse than them spending time with him tbh.

Either way I’m really sorry you are going through this, hope you are feeling the other side of it soon Flowers

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 12/08/2019 09:49

You are entitled to how you feel op, what they or anyone else thinks is up to them and none of your business.

They can think- say and do what they like....and so can you.

Protect yourself and your mental health.
DO NOT EXPLAIN- JUSTIFY or DEFEND.

FWIW - I think you’ve done the right thing for you, and you have to put yourself first.

Flowers
Original poster
Pogmella · 12/08/2019 09:59

My boyfriend has a message from one of them apparently but he’s not opening it at work (job needs focus). I anticipate a perfunctory ‘you’re entitled to your feelings’ thing.

OP posts:
Catalicious · 12/08/2019 10:05

If they wanted to stay friends with him, in your view would that always have to be without his partner there? Would there be a time after which it would be more palatable?

It's a very difficult position for your friends to be in. You're punishing them when you're angry at him.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 12/08/2019 10:09

You have my utmost sympathies but you are being unrealistic if you expect mutual friends to give OW a telling off for affair. That's not how people behave is it?
No one is going to tell her to keep away from wedding ( or any other social situation) either
As hard as it is you are still smarting and dealing with effects of the affair whereas everyone was over it two years ago as it's not their life.
Best "revenge" is to make your life awesome and in time you will genuinely care less x

whiteroseredrose · 12/08/2019 10:12

I agree with you OP. If he has proved himself to be that much of a shit then he'd lose my respect and friendship.

One of the couples in our 'mums and dads' friendship group split after he had an affair and that's it for him. No more dad's weekends away. She still comes out with the mums though.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 12/08/2019 10:17

Op has moved on - the fact that she doesn’t want to share mutual friends with the ow does not mean she’s not moving on.
Why the duck would anyone want to move in the same circle as someone who did such harm to them.
All this crap about being the bigger person is bullshit used to manipulate kinder people into acquiescing for the greater good of the majority.

I have never been cheated on (to my knowledge)- so I’m not projecting my own feelings here.

Op if you were my friend I wouldn’t give either of them the steam off my piss.

Fuck em all’ you’re right to feel the way you do.

KissMeBunty · 12/08/2019 10:24

I don't think they're doing anything wrong tbh, but I understand how it hurts. It was your xDH that was unfaithful to you, not the OW, and yet you have no problem with them socialising with him. It's been two years, and it would be unreasonable for the friends to expect your ex but not the OW- They come as a package. They're official now.
(I have been here BTW. One friend was so fantastic with me when xDP left me for OW, literally dried my tears, called them both all the names under the sun. Six weeks later there were photos of her with x and OW on fb. It stings. I have come to the point where I totally forgive OW, but I can never feel quite the same about friend.)

Gladiolus45 · 12/08/2019 10:35

You are doing the right thing OP. I would and have cut people off for similar. I really can't understand how supposed friends can socialise with cheating exH and his OW. What does that say about the people you choose to have in your life?

The plus point is that I know that the friends I have now are my friends and totally to be replied upon. Oddly enough, some of my best friends now are people I only knew slightly before, but they have stepped up for me and really proven themselves.

Everafter1 · 12/08/2019 10:41

Yeah that's bad. They don't need to be meeting up.

Loyalties, morals & standards have to come into play. I couldn't do that to one of my friends.

Tarocchi · 12/08/2019 10:46

For what's it worth, I did exactly what you have done when I split with the ex and have no regrets whatsoever.

People had a choice to be friends with me or him but both wasn't going to work for me. Both meant that he was kept in my life by their involvement with him if you see what I mean. I wanted to just cut him out completely. I didn't want to know what he was doing, who he was doing it with, when he was doing it. I didn't want any contact and that included contact through a third party, however indirect and however discreet and 'didn't mention' it they were. I would still know there was that thread of contact and I wanted all ties broken once and for all.

He'd treated me like shit and caused me a lot of pain and when I finally got the courage to end it and go NC (including changing all my phone numbers) I didn't want any link to him at all, not even through mutual friends.

So there are people we used to see regularly and socialise with who I no longer see, speak to or hear from, but I don't have any regrets at all. I went on to make new friends, a new life and he doesn't figure in it anywhere.

Pinkout · 12/08/2019 10:56

I think it’s difficult when you’re friends with both parties, you really would have to choose a side because it’s impossible to keep both halves happy.

Cheeseandwin5 · 12/08/2019 10:58

Whilst I can see you maybe hurt, I do think YABU.
They are not your friends solely but are close to both of you.
You are asking them to choose between you and your ex, which is very unfair. They wont know the facts, or the reasons.

Original poster
Pogmella · 12/08/2019 11:02

I’m still in touch with him bcs of DC and I speak neutrally about them bcs of DC too. I think this has been misinterpreted by them. If I didn’t have to facilitate a relationship for them with their father I would not hold back on my opinion of him and would never see him.

OP posts:
BobLemon · 12/08/2019 11:05

Two years? Your friends ANBU.

Original poster
Pogmella · 12/08/2019 11:05

Cheese a lot of unfair stuff happened but it wasn’t my doing. I’m not sure why no one seems to be blaming him, really. I suppose I could accept they’d known him for years and are fond of him but striking up a friendship with a stranger who merrily gave him the match to light the blue touch paper on my life is hard to accept.

OP posts:
historysock · 12/08/2019 11:10

I'm in a very Similar situation except the woman in my case was my best friend to boot. Some of our mutual (to exh and I and with her and I) still speak to her. I found that extremely hard as she literally destroyed me tbh. I tried to maintain the friendships for a while as I'm aware I don't own anyone. But I found it so hurtful and detrimental to my own MH that I eventually made the choice to disassociate myself from those that chose to be mates with both or all three of us. It was all too hurtful.
My circle now is undoubtedly much smaller but I trust the people in it- when I was trying to carry on the the 'mutual' friendships I found I was beginning to second guess everyone.
Loyalty is quite rare I found. People don't really care, in lots of cases, if it didn't happen to them it's not their problem. I don't think like that and I struggle with people that do a bit.

Tarocchi · 12/08/2019 11:14

Pogmella, you don't need to justify yourself.

It's causing you a lot of pain and distress - that's obvious. And if you aren't right that has a knock on effect to your children and all aspects of your life.

These friends want to continue to socialise with him and his new partner fine. That doesn't mean you have to be ok with it. They've made a decision and now you are making a decision not to continue having contact with them.

What anyone here thinks has got fuck all to do with it.

CountSnackula · 12/08/2019 11:16

Totally agree with @Tarocchi - I'd want a clean sweep, personally, and people who were basically prepared to accept OW into what used to be MY social circle into what would feel like MY place with XDH wouldn't be welcome in my post-clean-up life.

Original poster
Pogmella · 12/08/2019 11:17

Oh historysock that sounds truely awful I’m so sorry.

I feel the same, I’m second guessing what I’ve shared with them and worrying they’ll disclose things I wouldn’t want them to know. There is still conflict points between Exh and me.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 12/08/2019 11:25

This is very common in a break up. I had some friends who were my ex's friends originally, but became closer to me. When we split they were fantastically supportive, but also remained friends with him, and consequently the woman he had an affair with. They were very good at keeping us seperate. A year after we split, and our wedding was cancelled, my ex married his OW. They were invited to the wedding. They were very upfront about it that they were going, mainly, they said, because it was a huge fancy affair and they were being nosy! But they kept telling me things, like how tacky it was, etc and I found it hindered my moving on. I was moving fifty miles away too, so I decided to let the friendship slide (thankfully no blocking available in those days so it didn't seem like a fall out). However a decade later, when I started using social media, I picked up the friendship again. I'd moved on, it was old news, didn't hurt anymore. They still saw him occasionally, but didn't like her very much and the friendship had faded. I'm glad I got back in touch, despite everything they were good to me at the time. I don't think it's fair to make others live their lives around you.