Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My friends, Exh and OW

84 replies

Pogmella · 12/08/2019 07:49

Just found out last night my close girlfriends of 10yrs+ have been regularly seeing Exh and OW for dinner for the last few months. They were close with Exh and I understand why they want to see him but I simply cannot comprehend, only 2 years past divorce what they could have to say to her. I can’t tell them who to see and I can’t be cool with this so... that’s it, right? Lost friends Sad

OP posts:
LazyLizzy · 12/08/2019 11:26

I’m second guessing what I’ve shared with them and worrying they’ll disclose things I wouldn’t want them to know.

That would be an issue for me.

Also the fact that the EX is probably feeling vindicated that what he did wasn't bad at all.

I would cut ties with them totally. Don't give a fuck if I was cutting my nose off.

Everafter1 · 12/08/2019 11:28

Just to be absolutely clear, your friends are arranging dinners etc with your ex & the woman he cheated on you with?
This woman also knew you were together & you have a young child as you're work colleagues?

MMmomDD · 12/08/2019 11:40

OP - i know you have been hurt. And of corse you are entitled to your feelings.
But if you cling to them - it’s only yourself that you are hurting.
You can’t live your life focused on the past hurts. You can’t really move on and give your new relationship a chance if you do.
If I were your bf now - i’d be worried and questioned if you actually moved on and if we had a future.

And the last thing you won’t like hearing. You said you were OK with your friends seeing your exH. And you said smth about the OW giving him the match.
In your head - it seems that you think she is responsible for what happened. But it was him. Your Ex decided to do something that lead to the end of the marriage.
If he didn’t meet her, he’d have met someone else, most likely.
So - if there is someone to blame - it’s him.
But maybe you feel you can’t ask your friends not to see him and using this as a reason to stop seeing the friends that remind you about the past.
You don’t need a reason.

But do try to refocus onto present and move on. For your kids and yourself.

AE18 · 12/08/2019 11:50

I know it can be hard to come to terms with but the fact is other people may not be as bothered about our love lives as we be. To them, they just have two friends who were together and now aren't, but they probably didn't like you for the fact that you were together.

A lot of people don't think the ins and outs of other people's relationships are their business and subscribe to the mentality that nothing is black and white, who he is in a relationship will probably make very little difference to whether they want to be his friend.

Alanis41 · 12/08/2019 11:53

I'd personally let the friendships drift away slowly but not keep in much contact. He might have made all sorts of justifications as to why you separated so they obviously don't think it's bad enough to consider nc. I wouldn't block though. You'll meet new friends who will hear your side and be loyal to you.

Original poster
Pogmella · 12/08/2019 11:57

Everafter yup. That’s it.

OP posts:
Kaddm · 12/08/2019 11:57

It’s not just about the grown ups though. Ex and ow destroyed the family of a little baby. That baby therefore gets no chance ever of living with its mum and dad because its dad wanted to move the goal posts of marriage and go out shagging a random (who incidentally gave no shits about anyone other than herself). Baby gets no siblings from its mum and dad. I know this is really common and millions deal with it (my parents split, fallout has been going on 25+ years) but I don’t think that makes it something to overlook or gloss over. I think it’s really sad. Your friends seem to accept it, I certainly wouldn’t bother with them anymore. It is only partially to do with the op moving on - people “move on” from being stabbed and this doesn’t mean they associate with people who think it was ok.

It’s not about making people live their lives round you. They are free to do what they want. So they choose to associate with ex/ow and it’s got consequences for them. In that the op doesn’t want them in her life anymore. There’s no need to associate with loads of people. I’d keep a small circle of people who are real friends.

Faith50 · 12/08/2019 12:02

This is a horrible situation to be in. My heart goes out to you. Whilst you cannot dictate who your friends spend their time with it must sting.

You mention they are in equal friendships with you both therefore they do not do feel more loyalty to you.

If I were in your position I would severe all ties with anyone connected to OW whether I decided to make a go of it with dh/dp or not. I would not want to know anything about their movements/plans. I would not want them knowing anything about my life. I would not want to be at any event they were attending whether a small group or 500 people.

Even when I used to date before marrying once the relationship was over I disconnected in every way. I could not understand how my friends stayed in contact with their exes. Of course people move on but I do not need to be witness to it.

Faith50 · 12/08/2019 12:06

The sad thing is people are no way invested in your life as much as you are. They do not feel your pain. They do not think about the situation often as it is not happening to them.

I recently went through a major challenge and was amazed that a few friends rarely called/messaged to ask how I was. They merely responded to messages I had sent them which is not the same at all.

BedraggledBlitz · 12/08/2019 12:09

People who are surprised that it's an issue for you after 2 years obviously haven't been cheated on like this. Mine is 3 years ago and while I have moved on in my life, the hurt is still there and I have a low opinion of OW.

I had similar experience with mutual friends, you imagine them all sitting round laughing, them silently comparing you and your dynamic with your ex etc. I guess the reality may be different and they may be just tolerating her company - the problem is you never know.

I think if you have good friendships elsewhere I would focus on them x

Indicative · 12/08/2019 12:11

I think you mentioned that you have a boyfriend now and it was after this they got back in touch. My guess is that they thought it was ok now as you were moving on. They do say that they only see her as a byproduct of being his partner. Horrible as it is you can't make people chose sides. It will be up to you how you deal with it, either by letting the friendships slide. It is not, however, their place to call the OW out or make her give them explanations!! (For either themselves or on your behalf).

Newschapter · 12/08/2019 12:18

Op, are your friends welcoming to your new boyfriend?

I know you didn't cheat with him but perhaps they see you settled and happy again and don't think you're bothered?

That's not what I think btw

Original poster
Pogmella · 12/08/2019 12:18

She’s contacted my chap to say she’s offended I think she’s a bad friend after all the support she gave me and she wont respond to ultimatums (I didn’t make one). Said she’ll never be as close to exh as she was and doesn’t want to be friends with ow. She doesn’t get it I guess.

I get she misses him, went through that whole arc myself obv. I don’t think she understands the hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pogmella · 12/08/2019 12:20

Yes she did also say in her message I seem happier than I have in ages and she can see we’re looking to a shared future etc which is why she thought this was ok.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 12/08/2019 12:24

Under the circumstances, you're not being unreasonable.

For me, it doesn't matter about them being mutual friends. I wouldn't be socialising with the ex husband & his bots because of what their selfish actions caused to my friends family. They're both as bad as each other & says a lot about their character.

RonnieScotts · 12/08/2019 12:24

How dare she insinuate you've issued an ultimatum. She sounds very arrogant.

I would completely ignore her, and ask BF to do the same. Who needs friends like this?

Weezol · 12/08/2019 12:25

I'm much like ems137. I think you're doing the right thing in cutting them off. I've been in a similar situation and I don’t miss those 'friends' at all.

Original poster
Pogmella · 12/08/2019 12:25

Dunno. Maybe I take 2 years out now. Somethings got to give tho, I can’t help how I feel.

OP posts:
Everafter1 · 12/08/2019 12:25

The ex husband & ow I mean

BarrenFieldofFucks · 12/08/2019 12:29

Well, you haven't given an ultimatum. It is perfectly fair to say you don't expect them to do anything, but that you can't be close friends with someone who thinks that behaviour is A-OK.

BarbedBloom · 12/08/2019 12:59

Unfortunately I have seen this happen a lot, especially when the OW / OM moves in or becomes a spouse, has a baby etc. It happens when people want to retain that friendship because there comes a point where excluding their friends husband / wife / live in partner isn't possible without damaging it. There does come a point where people stop seeing them as the other woman and just see them as the partner or wife.

Also unfortunately some relationships that started as an affair do last. I know someone who got together in this way but it is 20 years on, they are married and have children and people seem to have forgotten how it started.

It isn't fair and it is hurtful. I left my cheating ex and got with someone else a few months later. All of his uni friends accepted her into the group so I blocked them all. But I know from a mutual friend that he married her and they have children. It does seem that when these relationships last people accept them and expect you to be okay with it too as it has been a few years.

BarbedBloom · 12/08/2019 13:07

I missed out a sentence there. Mutual friends accepted his other woman into the group but not my new partner

hellodarkness · 12/08/2019 13:35

I think you've done the right thing. What a bunch of disloyal shits they are. I don't care how much they liked him, they shouldve dropped him like a stone when he revealed himself to be a lying, cheating scumbag.

Honestly, if one of my friends treated his wife like that - or hit her, or verbally abused her, whatever - I wouldn't want him as a friend thereafter.

Sadly, people are usually only looking out for themselves and so they have convinced themselves that what he did really wasn't that bad. They won't 'get it' until they experience it for themselves.

PicsInRed · 12/08/2019 14:18

Probably. Bit bored of sitting passively around accepting what people think I deserve though.

Good for you.
Do what's healthy for you. Fuck smiling and nodding and absorbing up all that pesky awkwardness so everyone else can feel ok about his behaviour and their tacit approval of it. So grim and grubby.

Watchingthyme · 12/08/2019 14:29

It’s been 2 years
I think you really need to see it from their POV.
They see you have moved on. Happy even.

Blocking them is so unbelievably childish and I’m not surprised at her response.

Swipe left for the next trending thread