At my wits end with my husband's hygiene

[Sistermoondance]

Hi,

So I will start off by saying that my husband is gorgeous and sexy but also kind and supportive and lovely. I feel so lucky to be with him. But! His levels of hygiene have really slipped since we got together. I admit to having a sensitive sense of smell and so I feel that I need and he needs to have a daily shower (it at least a wash of smelly bits - except he won't wash it is shower or nothing). I have tried being kind and gentle about the issue and I have also been blunt. He is not very secure and worries I 'will go off him' and I have bluntly told him that the thing most likely to put me off is him not showering regularly enough. I can't bear it when he comes back from a run and sits about for an hour or two before I finally nag him into the shower. Or when he actually does shower at the gym because he went for a swim, but doesn't shower after so smells of chlorine and puts his smelly running gear back on and he resents me asking him to have another shower when he feels clean already. I tend to take his preferences into account because I want him to find me attractive. His refusal to keep himself clean means that I really don't feel like being intimate with him any more even though I still think he is sexy. What can I do? I love him and don't want to leave him because otherwise he is lovely. But the issue with me not wanting to get close and personal is not great and he gets annoyed when I don't want to be near him because he smells... I feel like I can't win. Why isn't he embarrassed and why doesn't he just shower??? Ideas welcome please :-(

You sound like a barrel of fun......

Personally, I don’t think people need to shower everyday. Sweat itself isn’t bad but if left to linger in certain areas it can smell. I think a shower every other day is fine, I’ve been to the gym and not showered that night, I’m tired it can wait until tomorrow. If it’s a huge issue for you though you need to decide whether it’s worth staying or not. You shouldn’t be telling him when to shower unless he leaves it for weeks at a time.

Well I expect any adult to wash or shower every day. Otherwise they will smell. The odd day missed because of being too tired etc is fair enough but normally I'd expect an adult to wash their bits every day

Errr - I sound like a barrel of fun? So not liking to be near smelly people makes me not fun? That makes no sense... but thanks for replying anyway.

To the sensible response - at first I was hinting on the fourth day. But he was getting irritated and asking why I wouldn't sit next to him on the sofa when he was putting his feet on me or cuddle up in bed so I thought I would tell him the truth, that I found him smelly when he didn't shower frequently. I reckon he could get away with every other day (if he didn't go to the gym) but three days is pushing it especially in this heat!

I’m with you on this one. I also have a sensitive sense of smell and although dh does shower every day, can get stinky after a day at work (which is not physical). I find it really hard to be intimate with someone when they are smelly or even if I feel smelly and unclean. I know not everyone does but if he wants intimacy from you, he really should respond to your request that he washes more-does he really want someone to feel repulsed by him while being intimate? I know it’s hard to be tactful and however you say it, it can result in him being offended. Recently someone else rather rudely told dh his breath was whiffy and although he was really upset by it, it has made him act and he is more susceptible to being told by me and will do something about it-maybe set it up so someone else tells him?? Just an idea.

And thanks Musti. I agree. Occasionally missing a day isn't the end of the world and he probably could get away with every other day, but if he wants to be intimate, he should makes sure certain bits are clean!

I'm going to put it out there and say he doesn't sound that terrible....

He showers at the gym but you can still smell chlorine? He dares to not get straight in the shower after the gym? These aren't really deal breakers in my eyes. He is showering eventually he's probably just a bit more lax than you'd like. I wouldn't sweat it....pun intended.

I had an ex who would go days without showering. He thought it was ok because as a kid his mother only made him and his siblings bath once on a Sunday night. He would literally leave the smell of arse on my furniture and bedding. Now that was offputting...

Mynabird,

That is a good idea! I will have a think about who I could get to help me out. And it is a pain having a sensitive sense of smell, but I can't think why he wouldn't want me to find him more attractive by showering if that is what it takes I would be mortified if he thought I smelt!

I think objecting to the smell of chlorine is quite unusual.

Can you not just shower together when he gets back from the gym...he might start to see you think clean = sexy

He sounds gross. I'm not going to be intimate with anything that isn't freshly washed (and I don't mean in a swimming pool). I don't expect anything different from myself.

Cats pyjamas, Sorry I didn't make that clear - he rinses off after the gym and then swims in his gym/ running shorts but doesn't shower after the swim which is why he smells of chlorine and puts his smelly top and socks back on.

But in comparison to once a week he wouldn't seem bad - ugh! That would be a dealbreaker for me. I don't think I would mind if he was ok with me not getting too close if he is smelly. Fine to be smelly but not so fine too expect others to want to be all close and personal. It makes me feel sick, so it is a physical repulsion not something I can control. And he knows this because I am like it with other smells too!

Catspyjamas, he IS going days without showering. The gym and running thing is on top of that.

How long does he go between showering?

If I don't tell him to shower, usually three or four days. And he wouldn't shower after a run / gym if I didn't ask him to

Tell him what you've told us. Surely you can talk to him, stressing how much you love him and how sexy you find him except for this one thing? It might be a bit awkward but leaving it will just make the situation worse.

Have you tried telling him really bluntly...

“I have a physical repulsion to the smell of sweat and body odour. It makes me feel sick. So no, I won’t sit next to you, cuddle up to you, let you put your feet on me or have sex with you if you haven’t showered that day and you smell”.

Tell him straight. " look, this is awkward, and i don't like this but you are not taking my hints. You need to shower and put CLEAN clothes on after gym and swimmimg, because i can smell you a mile off and its grossing me out tbh. Hygeine is super important to me. Im really happy with everything else, but just shower more ffs"

I have tried telling him bluntly but he gets embarrassed so cuts me off :-( and he just says all right and stomps off to the shower but a few days later it is back to normal. I think I do need to try and have another go though :-(

Ew I can’t believe anyone doesn’t shower daily that is disgusting in my opinion!!! It is lazy also.

I don’t expect DP to shower immedietely after gym , football etc but definetely by the time we go to bed. He usually actually showers twice a day.

Cleanliness is important!

Say the next time you go a day without showering we are done. And mean it.

I would feel the same as you do OP. Honestly find it surprising that grown adults who are able to wash every day (shower / bath / sink an flannel wash - whatever) don't!
It's noticeable!

I'd have another go at talking to him about it, ask him if he could please shower everyday and especially after sports out of respect for you as you'd really appreciate it. If he continues not to... well that's how much respect he has.

Thanks for your replies, in the main, it seems like I am not over-reacting about this (although I appreciate some of you think that it isn't a big deal for you) that has been reassuring.

I'm with you on this. I don't think non sweaty adults need necessarily shower daily, however if intimacy is on the cards its courteous to be clean. I can shower in the evening and manage the next day without but I wouldn't do that if I was going to work or my OH was visiting.

I agree - it's gross.

If you've been working out or exercising and you're sweaty - then you smell. Have a shower! It takes five minutes - it's hardly a chore