At my wits end with my husband's hygiene

[Sistermoondance]

Hi,

So I will start off by saying that my husband is gorgeous and sexy but also kind and supportive and lovely. I feel so lucky to be with him. But! His levels of hygiene have really slipped since we got together. I admit to having a sensitive sense of smell and so I feel that I need and he needs to have a daily shower (it at least a wash of smelly bits - except he won't wash it is shower or nothing). I have tried being kind and gentle about the issue and I have also been blunt. He is not very secure and worries I 'will go off him' and I have bluntly told him that the thing most likely to put me off is him not showering regularly enough. I can't bear it when he comes back from a run and sits about for an hour or two before I finally nag him into the shower. Or when he actually does shower at the gym because he went for a swim, but doesn't shower after so smells of chlorine and puts his smelly running gear back on and he resents me asking him to have another shower when he feels clean already. I tend to take his preferences into account because I want him to find me attractive. His refusal to keep himself clean means that I really don't feel like being intimate with him any more even though I still think he is sexy. What can I do? I love him and don't want to leave him because otherwise he is lovely. But the issue with me not wanting to get close and personal is not great and he gets annoyed when I don't want to be near him because he smells... I feel like I can't win. Why isn't he embarrassed and why doesn't he just shower??? Ideas welcome please :-(

I don't understand how fully functioning adults can skip basic hygiene like that, it's not like he hasn't got access to a shower! You need to have a serious chat with him and tell it like it is, he probably doesn't think it's a big deal so thinks it's negotiable. It's NOT.

Yeah I couldn't cope with that either OP.

If you have access to clean running water there's no reason to have body odour. It's no secret that sweat mixed in with bacteria on the skin causes a smell.

To not shower coming out of swimming seems a bit lazy. You're already wet, it feels nice cleaning off the chlorine and anything else trapped on your skin from swimming with others. I swallowed water from swimming years ago and ended up in hospital for a few days, it wasn't because I ingested chlorine!

There's a degree of care you need to take for yourself when you're in a relationship for the other person too. He obv takes care of himself in other ways.

I wouldn't want dp coming near me if I didn't feel clean & vice versa. I think basic hygiene is a must, it's unpleasant for you.

I am with you Op. I cannot abide nasty, musty smells. Dh is very meticulous about hygiene. If he was stinky, he simply wouldn’t get any sex.
Your dh is lazy AF and insensitive. He chooses not to shower and in doing so is being disrespectful

I usually throw his underpants in the bin after the weekend

I usually throw his underpants in the bin after the weekend

I don't know why that posted twice... the site seems to be freezing

Dump the stinker
Seriously it's really unpleasant and it sounds like you've spoken to him about it many times.

Is it laziness? I have to nag my 12 year old son to shower every day. It’s pure laziness on his part but I won’t put up with it.

You shouldn’t either.

I’ve got a very sensitive sense of smell & can tell if someone does not shower everyday if I sit next to them in work - not always a bad or BO smell but just a ‘not fresh’ smell it’s hard to describe, so I agree people may not need to shower everyday but I don’t understand why anyone would not want to smell fresh for the sake of 10 minutes

@Sistermoondance YANBU to expect him to shower at least once a day. I always have & will. Sometimes I shower twice a day.
I agree with you & also couldn't be intimate if they weren't clean.

Thanks so much, I do think he just doesn't notice his own smell, so thinks that it can't be that bad and that I am just being fussy. I don't think there are any underlying issues apart from the fact that he can't be bothered so the more he has on, the less he can be bothered to make time or take the effort. It would definitely be true to say he doesn't like taking showers so they are a bit of a chore for him. Urgh.

In my experience even when smelly people are told they smell it doesn’t make any difference as fundamentally they don’t care/can’t be bothered/don’t think it’s important.

Blurgh, my dp showers everyday straight after work. On a weekend he showers in the morning. I'm a twice a day quick soap on and soap off in the shower and haven't had experience with any man who doesn't shower at least once a day.

I'd probably be really blunt and tell him to get his cheesy nob away from me if he didn't shower!

It's not really the fact he won't shower,it's the fact he just can't be bothered even though you've been perfectly clear how grim you find. It's total disregard for your feelings.

He shouldn't really be waiting till he can smell his own stink others will have smelt it long before he does.
We shower to prevent that. Everyone sweats in their sleep etc, there's areas that definitely need washed daily.

It's a pity this is letting him down as you clearly love him & are very much attracted to him. It would put me off being intimate for sure.

And he's not depressed??

..honestly I can't see how there isn't an underlying issue

He's a grown adult, with no mental health issues or disabilities
And he's choosing not to be clean?

Youve told him it bothers you and you won't go near him. No intimacy. He's upsetting you for no reason.
It's an easy fix.
People at work must hate sitting near him too.
Is he just selfish?

Does he clean the house? What's his parents place like? Do they shower?

What would happen if you didn't shower for 3+ days. Would he notice?

P1218120699

Yes she can. Did you read her entire comment? She was advised to keep it dry, she won’t do it’s not going to heal as efficiently as if she listened and followed the advice.