Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

At my wits end with my husband's hygiene

92 replies

Sistermoondance · 11/08/2019 22:08

Hi,

So I will start off by saying that my husband is gorgeous and sexy but also kind and supportive and lovely. I feel so lucky to be with him. But! His levels of hygiene have really slipped since we got together. I admit to having a sensitive sense of smell and so I feel that I need and he needs to have a daily shower (it at least a wash of smelly bits - except he won't wash it is shower or nothing). I have tried being kind and gentle about the issue and I have also been blunt. He is not very secure and worries I 'will go off him' and I have bluntly told him that the thing most likely to put me off is him not showering regularly enough. I can't bear it when he comes back from a run and sits about for an hour or two before I finally nag him into the shower. Or when he actually does shower at the gym because he went for a swim, but doesn't shower after so smells of chlorine and puts his smelly running gear back on and he resents me asking him to have another shower when he feels clean already. I tend to take his preferences into account because I want him to find me attractive. His refusal to keep himself clean means that I really don't feel like being intimate with him any more even though I still think he is sexy. What can I do? I love him and don't want to leave him because otherwise he is lovely. But the issue with me not wanting to get close and personal is not great and he gets annoyed when I don't want to be near him because he smells... I feel like I can't win. Why isn't he embarrassed and why doesn't he just shower??? Ideas welcome please :-(

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/08/2019 22:49

He can't take 5 minutes to shower in order to make it tolerable for you to be near him? He sounds absolutely disgusting and shockingly selfish. If he doesn't start cleaning his body properly, it would be a deal breaker for me.

escapade1234 · 11/08/2019 22:53

He gets into the pool in the same shorts he’s been sweating in in the gym? Is that even allowed?

He sounds gross. I don’t think yabu at all.

Yeahsurewhatever · 11/08/2019 22:55

Literally cannot believe people are suggesting you're unreasonable

Or that you think asking someone to shower every other day is being sensitive

Or that someone stayed with a partner who left the smell of ass (and so clearly was not even wiping properly???) In their bed?! Did you continue to sleep with him??

However, why is he embarrassed -implying he wants to be clean - but still not being clean.
Is this some sort of mental health issue? I don't mean that flippantly but for example, people think OCD is about being clean, but often it's about compulsions or avoidance
I have known people who wouldn't clean because to them the shower or products or the towel or bathroom etc was dirty?

Original poster
Sistermoondance · 11/08/2019 22:55

Quite. I tried to raise that with him too but he said that the chlorine would just clean them and him.... he is pretty gross. But he is also a very lovely person - if he weren't this wouldn't be a problem. I would be gone!

OP posts:
Hecateh · 11/08/2019 22:57

After he has been persuaded had a shower, tell him how sexy he is, how irresistable etc etc - lay it on thick - doesn't matter how obvious it still works.
When he hasn't had a shower - don't ask him to. Tell him 'meh - not bothered thanks'
Next shower day lay on the sexy etc etc again.

If it doesn't work to start with then go with the 'shower'day (whatever day that was) I was cuddling/dtd with/fancying or whatever, this gorgeous sexy man which was brilliant and I was so turned on but today's man doesn't match up.

rinse and repeat - he knows what to do to

Original poster
Sistermoondance · 11/08/2019 22:57

Yeahsurewhatever. I don't think he has any mental health issues. Although I have realised that he was unnaturally clean (for him at the beginning of our relationship). He just doesn't think that it is necessary or that he smells that bad...

OP posts:
Original poster
Sistermoondance · 11/08/2019 22:58

Hecateh - good plan :-)

OP posts:
PickAChew · 11/08/2019 22:58

I was all ready to come in with tales of my ex who regarded bathing with deep suspicion and had one weekly on his best behaviour.

You're just being really pernickety and bossy, though.

quizqueen · 11/08/2019 22:59

Putting his smelly gym clothes back on after he has been for a swim or showered at the gym is ridiculous and disgusting. Can all mums of boys bring them up to practise good hygiene, please, and that includes daily washing!

LemonAddict · 11/08/2019 23:01

How long have you been together and how long have his lack of hygiene issues been going on for?

Original poster
Sistermoondance · 11/08/2019 23:02

Pickachew - maybe smelliness just doesn't bother you as much as it bothers me?

OP posts:
PickAChew · 11/08/2019 23:03

OK - I take some of that back - I got the impression from your OP that he was simply not showering immediately after the gym. Going 3-4 days is revolting. Not as revolting as weekly (or less than monthly, as things ended up with this ex, after I left him) but still revolting.

I'll happily miss days in winter, but at this time of year I feel horrible if I don't at least hose myself down, daily. When we had the heatwave, it was twice daily.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 11/08/2019 23:06

Unless there’s some sort of poverty going on, grown adults not showering/bathing at least once a day is fucking disgusting.
Can’t believe some on here think this is acceptable behaviour.
It says a lot for how he sees you and your relationship as well.

Original poster
Sistermoondance · 11/08/2019 23:08

Thanks Pickachew Smile

I don't usually say anything on the second day - unless he has worked up a sweat. I normally drop hints on the third day...

OP posts:
user764329056 · 11/08/2019 23:09

I’m with you OP, it’s warm weather, a daily shower is needed, especially if gym, running, etc involved, it’s not a huge ask and strange that he knows it bothers you but doesn’t make any changes

SalitaeDiscesa · 11/08/2019 23:12

You need to get on top of this. I didn't and the problem kept recurring for years. Eventually we discovered he is autistic. He was never going to see it from my perspective. It wasn't a problem for him, therefore it wasn't a problem. I had to say, I need you to do this. I accept that you don't understand why. But I will only share a bed with you if you're clean and shaved (after years of stubble burn and being stabbed in the eyelids by sharp whiskers). I will only go out with you in public if you're in clean clothes with no food stains. I will not eat with you or let you touch me unless you wash your hands after having a shit. I will no longer clean the loo after you.

I still remind him at times and I sometimes thank him (eg for changing his shirt after spilling coffee on it the other day) but he's been pretty consistent for almost a year and there's been a lot more intimacy as a result.

Sophie0579 · 11/08/2019 23:16

I don't have a sensitive sense of smell and still think that everyone (especially men) should wash daily. It's basic hygiene and should not Have to be requested if another adult. You've tried being polite and hitting, I'd go for the jugular now and tell him straight that sitting around smelling particularly after the gym (gag) is not acceptable. No more Mrs Nice Girl Smile

billy1966 · 11/08/2019 23:18

OP, he really sounds dirty and revolting.

Some people smell easily, others not.
My very fragrant husband might skip a day in the depths of a cold winter, hell so might I.
Not the end of the world.
But after exercising, and perspiring, it really is straight into the shower.

He sounds dirty, smelly and disgusting.
I would most strongly object to having to repeat this conversation.

So I would ditch him, and tell him it's because he is dirty and smelly. You'll be doing him a favour.

I most certainly wouldn't think any man was attractive having to be repeatedly asked to wash.

Too much like having to deal with a teenager.

I have had this bull with my teens, both sons and daughters!!

Original poster
Sistermoondance · 11/08/2019 23:18

Thanks, definitely have some good for thought and I am going to try the Pavlov dog approach first (positive attention after a shower), and if that doesn't work I am going to lay it on the line!

OP posts:
LemonAddict · 11/08/2019 23:20

All respect for my partner would disappear if I felt I had to use a Pavlovs Dog approach to train him to become a fully functional adult.

PinkBlossomInSummer · 11/08/2019 23:25

He’s an adult, you’re not his mother and you shouldn’t have to remind him to wash. Personally, I couldn’t live with someone with poor hygiene like this and it would be a deal breaker for me. Goodness knows why you feel lucky to be with someone who doesn’t shower daily. If he can’t see his hygiene is disgusting then you have 2 choices, live with a dirty buggar or don’t. My choice with be the latter tbh.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 11/08/2019 23:30

I’ve seen poor hygiene with friends who suffer with depression, but if my wife started behaving like this it would signal something was definitely wrong.
If he’s becoming less concerned about his hygiene, it could be a sign of something else.

LoafofSellotape · 11/08/2019 23:32

Can all mums of boys bring them up to practise good hygiene, please, and that includes daily washing!
Mums always get the blame Hmm if a grown man chooses not to shower even after his wife has told him to multiple times that's his problem and NOTHING to do with his mother ..or father for that matter!

Whatisthisfuckery · 11/08/2019 23:37

Does a lovely caring person ignore their partner’s requests for them to maintain good personal hygiene while still expecting close personal contact? Doesn’t sound all that lovely or caring to me.

OP I argue with DS about showering all the time, but then he is 11. You’re not secretly married to my son are you? Although maybe not, as DS will shower every few days if left to his own devices, and daily if it’s hot or he’s been exercising.

DP actually has it written into their work’s contracts that all staff must keep good personal hygiene, so I’m guessing he doesn’t work at my DP’s work either.

He sounds minging, and not nearly as loving and caring as you’d like to believe. I bet everyone else can smell him as well. I hope he doesn’t use public transport. There’s enough smelly bastards on there as it is.

madcatladyforever · 11/08/2019 23:38

My ex stunk all the time. Either stinking breath or other stinking areas.
Refused to change for 20 years and car journeys I'd have the window open in freezing weather.
I was quite frankly rude about it and refused to sleep with him but he still didn't change.
Thank God he is gone. No more lying awake all night while his stink permeated the room.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.