DM screamed at my DS and made him cry on holiday

[mummy3yearold]

Hi, I'm actually afraid to post this as I feel very guilty doing so. I am writing this anonymously.

Basically as a teenager I was hit quite a bit by my Mum. She called it "laying into" me. (Now she denies it and says it was not hitting, just smacking, and I was "not an easy child"). I never smoked, never drank alcohol, never did drugs, did not sleep around, did my school work, was bullied at school for being a swot....

Anyway this continued on and off in my twenties, when I went home during the summer I was occasionally screamed at, grabbed, had stuff thrown at me and on one occasion spat at in my face, the flob landed on my nose. Epithets I have been called include "child", "bitch", "slut" and "baby".

If I try and raise any of this I am accused of being "spoilt" and "poor me", or that I am being hysterical or exaggerating.

I feel she is very uninterested in my life and how I am doing and lives for my DS and my sibling's DCs. She wants to talk about her life or DS or the DCs. If I say "What about me?", I am accused of being "selfish, it's all about you".

If I say I feel afraid or walking on eggshells I am mocked.

Sometimes it is all sunshine and light and everything is cheerful and good fun and she acts like a BFF. Also my DM has been extraordinarily financially generous throughout my life.

Anyway that is the background. I am very angry, and very very tense about our recent holiday.

My DM shouted at me, I can take that. But I found it so hard when she shouted at my DS. I won't give his age - he is not three though (unlike my nickname) he is older. He came into me sobbing, he had been called "babyish" for something he had done that involved "manners". He hadn't sworn, thrown anything, disobeyed - he was just playing in a way that looked babyish to DM. When I hugged him and comforted him and began speaking to him about maybe playing differently next time, DM came in and began shouting at me too saying DS had no discipline was "spoilt" and gets his "own way". (Actually he has lots of discipline and we keep regular bedtimes and routines, as well as insisting he comes off the computer when asked).

He was also bellowed at again later in the week, for disobeying instructions. This also made him cry. He is not used to shouting. When I moved to comfort him I was bellowed at followed by a demand that I enforce the discipline. I refused and to my shame said "it is down to you" and backed off in a panic because I was so afraid of them.

I am sure DM has her own problems and was under pressure from responsibilities that she had at the time. She says she does these things out of love because she is worried about the future.

I am now trying to go low contact. This is proving tricky because she phones me up to chat a lot. I feel it is the best way to protect DS and keep some self respect.

Please feel free to add any insights.

have so far explained to DS that DM is "old" and not very well

Please don’t make excuses for her behaviour. She is a nasty old woman who was a nasty younger woman.

You appear to have taken on the part of your fathers role and become her enabler when he isn’t around.

Well done you! Now stick to your guns. They change tactics after trying varying levels of tantrums. Guilt trips, threats, pretend illnesses. Just ignore. It's not relevant to you anymore so you're not listening, not talking about it to anyone except DH (they send messengers to tell you how awful you're being), not thinking about it because DS and your own family comes first. Anyone who tries to convince you otherwise is just shut down and shut out. Ignore ignore ignore.

Stay strong. You're doing great.

My brother used to say to me that our mother didn't like either of us but liked me less as a joke. We used to say the other one could have her. Nobody actually wanted to be her favourite. Once you reinforce those boundaries she loses her power, which is just in your own mind.

Hi Mumsnetters,

Been a month or so. Still Very Low Contact.

At present have been coping with a once a week phone call with DM to hear how her therapy is going. I see her at family events which include my brother. I find I don't have much to say. She has apologised to me and said one day she would like to talk about it but needs to do more therapy. I met her for coffee last week but felt quite anxious.

I will never let her babysit DS again, so my husband and I don't go out together unless DS is at a club.

Occasionally I get emotional emails from DSD asking me to get in touch with Mum more often as she is "desperate" which I ignore.

However DM has just sent me a long text full of I love you's and hugs and kisses she respects my boundaries and what time would I like her to ring on my birthday? I find I feel very cynical indeed and distrust this effusive text as I used to get effusive letters in the bad old days after a bad episode of abuse (back in my 20's). I have not responded to the text but it certainly got my heart pounding and a sick feeling in my stomach.

What the text seems to be saying to me is Emotional Blackmail.

I have ignored it so far but feel guilty.

DH says I am not at my mother's beck and call.

I feel like cancelling the birthday call altogether.

What would you do?

PS I feel she only sent the text to get a response from me to fill up whatever need she currently has. Not because she cares.

You’ve done so well breaking away from her

Re your birthday - could you say you’re busy all day and won’t be available to take her call?

Don't be a Stepford daughter. There are lots on MN.
How would you feel if your MIL behaved like that? so many women forgive their abusive mothers anything, even if it means allowing your own child to be abused.

A month or so is no time to undo decades of abuse. For me, it would take 5 years, or possibly longer, to convince me to believe her. She's emotionally blackmailing you and you know it. Don't give an inch and don't feel guilty

You need to protect your child from this, she's no mother, I'd have been NC a long time ago.
Please don't keep putting yourself through this.

Go with your gut feeling op. You already know what’s really happening. Do whatever makes you happy

keep a distance.
read up on abusive behaviour// co-ercive control/ narcissistic personality disorder/ FOG/ etc.
it is the love-bombing now, to reel you back in, so she has you as a target again to batter, because she likes doing it. ignore.
stand back.
for your son's sake esp.
it's not just how she treats him directly, you have been undermined as a mother, a wife, an adult, a person in your own right.
that's not a good example for him.
you and your husband need to model healthy and honest straightforward behaviour.

it is so good that you have a husband and son who love and respect you. they are the ones you must give your energy and attention to.
good luck.
and please keep in touch. we all want you to be happier, calm, relaxed, so you can enjoy your life as you stretch yourself.
no longer need to crouch and flinch.

I doubt very much that any sort of therapy will be at all effective on someone like your mother because its too ingrained within her own psyche. Such people truly never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Your mother has been abusive to you your entire life and made you her scapegoat for all her inherent ills. Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

Do read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward if you have not already done so. I would also suggest you read the "out of the FOG" website and further lower all contact levels with her. Do not respond to any text messages she sends you; instead send those to a junk folder. You are right; those texts are emotional blackmail.

She has also used money to control you and keep you both compliant and subservient.

This cannot continue, it is abuse. Please protect yourself and your child. It’s not acceptable behaviour, go NC. Abusers don’t change, take back the power, stop the control. Your life will improve so much, I had a similar situation been NC with my mum for 10+ years, total bliss, why I didn’t make the decision earlier I do not know, I expect I hoped she would change.

You have done well to put in the initial boundaries.

Now you need to be putting in phase 2 and then 3 and 4 until you are NC.

Are you getting any therapy to help you see the wood for the trees? You are emotionally under her spell. You need support to detach and separate.

The reason you need to do this is that she is preoccupying your headspace with toxicity and fear that will continue to erode you from the inside out. Your finite emotional energy is being drained negatively by her nonsense

• which means that you cannot give your DS, your DH, your marriage, yourself - your best. You are not living your best life - you are not positively emotionally attuned to your DH and DS. They will suffer from this.

Please cut this vile person out and reclaim your energy and focus.

As for the enabling DF - these people are worse in my opinion - to stand back and allow and enable abuse of children in this case generation after generation to make his own life comfortable is disputable.

Your stated boundaries don’t sound LC to me at all so of course are not effective.

I'm confused that you say you're LC but have met her for coffee, seen her for more than one family event and been on the phone to her once a week. That would be a lot of contact in many families including my own.

Sorry if been said already, but limit the contact and politely refuse the financial help. Even if it means you miss out on stuff. I know easier said than done but you have to draw a firm line if you want the cycle to end. Good luck

I would like to go even more LC as her toxic nature leaves me stressed after an interaction. I do not trust this sweet mode at all.

She used to phone every day and take time from me and DS. She would scream at me down the phone if DS interrupted and asked me something. It was horrid.

It is a relief to only have her phone me once a week.

It gives me the space to feel normal. I can see the difference in me (stressed and anxious) after I have spoken to her. Usually I hear "poor me, poor me" and it gets on my wick as people I know have died while she goes on about her illnesses. At least she is still alive!

It makes me realise I better off without TBH.

I have been off Facebook for a month now as well. Rest of the family is on there and all the love heart likes and sweet messages make me sick.

That’s really great that you can see how she sucks your time, energy and emotion - not just on the call - but I am sure that the days after the call, and days leading up, you are anxious and preoccupied. This is still giving her headspace and at the same time depriving you, your DS and DH of positive emotional input as you can’t be in two places at once.

So in those mid week days when you don’t give her a thought - how does that feel? How would it feel to live like that all of the time.

How was your life when you were NC before? Did you survive? Did she?

Well done for coming off FB - that is such an opportunity for unchecked toxic dysfunctional nonsense.

You need a plan to be increasing that distance day by day, week by week - that will make you feel in control by stealth if you can’t face the abrupt ending.

You all deserve a calm and peaceful home - she has polluted your life and your DS for far too long. Show him how to cut toxic relationships dead.

You need to understand that your mother is not bringing any joy to your life. I would stop the weekly calls and just stay away. She has absolutely no boundaries.

Next steps: reduce calls to once a month? Tell her you don’t want a call on your birthday. You are not wanting to wait round for it and getting anxious meanwhile. Block the lot of them on FB.