DM screamed at my DS and made him cry on holiday

[mummy3yearold]

Hi, I'm actually afraid to post this as I feel very guilty doing so. I am writing this anonymously.

Basically as a teenager I was hit quite a bit by my Mum. She called it "laying into" me. (Now she denies it and says it was not hitting, just smacking, and I was "not an easy child"). I never smoked, never drank alcohol, never did drugs, did not sleep around, did my school work, was bullied at school for being a swot....

Anyway this continued on and off in my twenties, when I went home during the summer I was occasionally screamed at, grabbed, had stuff thrown at me and on one occasion spat at in my face, the flob landed on my nose. Epithets I have been called include "child", "bitch", "slut" and "baby".

If I try and raise any of this I am accused of being "spoilt" and "poor me", or that I am being hysterical or exaggerating.

I feel she is very uninterested in my life and how I am doing and lives for my DS and my sibling's DCs. She wants to talk about her life or DS or the DCs. If I say "What about me?", I am accused of being "selfish, it's all about you".

If I say I feel afraid or walking on eggshells I am mocked.

Sometimes it is all sunshine and light and everything is cheerful and good fun and she acts like a BFF. Also my DM has been extraordinarily financially generous throughout my life.

Anyway that is the background. I am very angry, and very very tense about our recent holiday.

My DM shouted at me, I can take that. But I found it so hard when she shouted at my DS. I won't give his age - he is not three though (unlike my nickname) he is older. He came into me sobbing, he had been called "babyish" for something he had done that involved "manners". He hadn't sworn, thrown anything, disobeyed - he was just playing in a way that looked babyish to DM. When I hugged him and comforted him and began speaking to him about maybe playing differently next time, DM came in and began shouting at me too saying DS had no discipline was "spoilt" and gets his "own way". (Actually he has lots of discipline and we keep regular bedtimes and routines, as well as insisting he comes off the computer when asked).

He was also bellowed at again later in the week, for disobeying instructions. This also made him cry. He is not used to shouting. When I moved to comfort him I was bellowed at followed by a demand that I enforce the discipline. I refused and to my shame said "it is down to you" and backed off in a panic because I was so afraid of them.

I am sure DM has her own problems and was under pressure from responsibilities that she had at the time. She says she does these things out of love because she is worried about the future.

I am now trying to go low contact. This is proving tricky because she phones me up to chat a lot. I feel it is the best way to protect DS and keep some self respect.

Please feel free to add any insights.

“and began speaking to him about maybe playing differently next time”

You absolutely must seek counselling for the damage your Mum has done to you. It isn’t surprising, as she had been so very abusive but she has set up a pecking order and you are teaching your Dd that she must be appeased. Unless he is doing damage or other wrong he can play as he likes! That is the point of play!

Your mother sounds disturbed and out of control.

Never ever go on holiday with her again.

Maybe you don’t have to go completely n/c if you can start to put boundaries in place and take back control.

Tell her you have thought about what happened on hol and you are not prepared for her to shout at you or your child ever again.

say ‘no’ to the visit on Monday if you don’t want her to come. “Not convenient, Mum, not possible so that’s a no”.

If you are with her and she steps even partly out of line stand up and leave. Say calmly “no one wants to be spoken to Like that so i’m Off”.

If at your house “no one speaks like that in my house, do this visit is over. I need you to leave “

Ignore or ‘grey rock’ any further hoo ha from her.

But you probably need support to take this approach.

Also: join the ‘Stately Homes’ thread.

First things first

Is there any legal documentation about the £?

If no, then there can’t effectively be any legal manoeuvres about the money as she can’t prove it wasn’t a gift

Go completely NC, no calls, no emails nothing - block on everything

THEN breathe!

Once you’ve done all this you’ll have the space, time.and wherewithal to look for the counselling you need

You’re going to be fine, your kids too - you need to put yourselves first. Your dear dad stood by for decades while you were horribly abused. Now it’s your son.

He’s as intrinsic a part of this abuse of you/ds as she is.

Re the visit on Monday, send. Text to cancel it, and be out

You have to be cold and absolutely focused on what you need to do. There is no point in trying to explain anything, or negotiate in the hope she will stop abusing you, no hope whatsoever, so save that energy for doing something worthwhile. Like putting yourselves back together

I have toxic parents who can be free and easy with money when it suits them. They are angry people with mental health problems.
I find its best to keep my distance from the and be independent. Not NC as such but as good as and one thing I absolutely never do is go on holiday with them or spend festivals like Xmas with them.
They are like angry cats and best avoided for the sake of my own mental health.

I would struggle to go NC because of your dad (presume that's who DD refers to - was thinking daughter at first) but I would massively put in boundaries.

Absolutely no more holidays or away days
No time when she's alone with D's
Curtail visits at first sign of her bad behaviour - if at her house you can immediately say to ds ok time to leave now as soon as anything starts
I wouldn't address it at all because she will twist things - just make the changes you want and enforce them.

I would set up a standing order for the money so it goes out monthly and then text them to cancel on Monday. Tell them you're busy and then go out. You have to take control of the situation, you need to show your son that you would do anything to protect him.

rvby no there was no assault. Just shouting - but I'm afraid the old childhood behaviours resurfaced in me which was to back off (I remember once as a teenager locking myself in the only room in their house with a bolt and a phone and calling the police, and the bolt bursting off the door frame onto the floor with a tinkle when the door was shouldered open and they came in bellowing. I never made the call. I was told by them I was overreacting and hysterical at the time. This stuff never happened every day, after all). So I tended to hide away as a child and young person.

Last week they bellowed at my son, then I came over to comfort him, because he was crying. I can't say too much about where we were as I do not want to be identified, I am paranoid about them finding this post online. Then they told me to make him obey. I said I could not (which is true, as I do not "make" my son do anything, I request it. I said "It is down to you to make him". This is what I meant by discipline). But I was watching the whole time. They did not lay a finger on him just shouted a bit more then the situation was over. But something in me changed. I have been brooding on this ever since, ending up with the post here.

As far as I know DM has never hit my son - just me. The last time I was physically abused was when I was grabbed 30 years ago, hard enough to leave bruises. It was the enabling parent who did the grabbing 30 years ago because he tends to panic when DM rages and try and please her. He still does, e.g. if I stop talking to DM he phones me up and says "it is awful here, you must call her and apologise" even if I have done nothing wrong except disagree and a big row then blew up. (Getting more and more frequent).

I cannot give my son's age as I do not want to be identified. He is in secondary school.

So, we all agree this is the last time anything like this can be allowed to happen, yes? But it is difficult to stand up when just thinking about doing so makes my fingers tremble.

I have so far explained to DS that DM is "old" and not very well.

Today I will tell DS not to answer the phone and that I will call the caller back in my own time and start screening calls.

Based on previous experience when I start screening calls she panics and rings all our phones.

Already she said a few weeks ago before the holiday, after a different incident when I grew a pair and argued back (DS was at a club so did not witness it), "you are going to stop me seeing my GS aren't you" but had I never said anything about that. So maybe she is kind of expecting this to happen. It would give her something to whinge to her (few) friends about and she can then assassinate my character to the rest of the family. (DB thinks she is undiagnosed bipolar).

I've asked my husband to stay home on Monday for the visit. But I am inclined to cancel after reading the posts on here.

What the enabling parent says is I need to make allowances, as if she is old and mad.

I am feeling overdramatic posting on here.

I don't care about the £. I can get a personal loan if they demand it back.

It is now one week since we got back home from the holiday.

I will revert to my old plan on Monday which was to take DS out somewhere and let DM know.

It looks like I am headed for NC but I will try and stretch VLC out as long as I can as we all need some space here in our otherwise happy home.

hugged him and comforted him and began speaking to him about maybe playing differently next time

You're teaching your son to walk on eggshells too. Your dd is terrified of her. Seriously, how is the stress of going NC going to be worse than letting your children and yourself be continually abused?

It's not up to your mum to make your son do something he doesn't want to do. It's up to your mum to respect that your son doesn't want to do it.

Definitely cancel the visit. If you still allow her to come and invade your home, then youre not really going low contact. You don't have to announce youre going LC. Just be busy all the time.

Please take control and uninvite her on Monday. Go out for the day. And just make a decision never to be lured by her money or her controlling habits again.

Ok, your mum sounds very much like my mum. My mum always put me down, criticised me, was physically violent when I was younger. Played it all down if every confronted about it, gas lighted me non stop and said I was over sensitive, too defensive, etc. Most of the time she doted on dd and though she was nasty to me in front of dd she wasn't nasty to dd. She did used to criticise dd to me though, but nit in front of her.

Ive been NC for about six years now.

The straw which broke the camel's back was an incident with dd. When dd was about 11yo my mum said something to dd about me and my brother which wasn't very nice. I wasn't there but dd told me about it. I fully believe dd as it was something which an 11yo would come out with....they wouldn't know the science behind what was said. Plus it's exactly word for word the sort of crap my mum came out with frequently. I told my brother who went up the wall and confronted my mum. Mum denied saying it and said dd was a liar, that she was mentally unwell and needed to be in a psych institute. She repeated this in a letter to me.

Now the original comments I could have lived with. The willingness to lie, blame it on a child to save her own skin infuriated me. Have been NC since a few weeks after that.

I felt I had to protect my child and that going NC was the only way of doing that. I would suggest it would be good for your DS as well. I found my mum's behaviour towards my dd got worse as she got older. Narcs don't like people having their own ideas/minds. Older children don't do as they're told as readily as younger ones. Only you know how bad it is. But it sounds like she's minimising stuff. Don't fall for it. If this sort of behaviour carries on it will damage your DS.

Echo everyone else.

But what stands out is just how severe this must have been. Your ds is secondary school age. Unusual for a child that age (especially boys ime) to be sobbing and needing comfort from their parent.

He must have been terrified. Poor lad

You poor thing. Your parents have really done a number on you if your reaction to them saying your son needed to be disciplined was to say "make him". That sent a chill down my spine - you were effectively stepping aside to let them abuse him. But NONE of this is your fault, OP. Your DM is abusive and your DF is her enabler. It may be too late to psychologically unpick what they've done to you, but it's not too late for your son. Keep him away from them, don't let him be alone with them EVER.

The biggest, most important realisation is that you don't have to do as your mother tells you. Not anymore. You can say no whenever you want, even if saying no feels terrifying.

Say no however much it scares you. It gets easier. Be out, be in with the door locked. Don't answer the phone, don't read texts until much later and try not to answer them.

Understand that low contact is unlikely to work until you've overcome your fear. NC is the best option until you're feeling stronger.

BookwormMe2. There has been no babysitting for a long time now. And certainly will not be dropping him off at theirs for tea either.

What a horrible mother/g,mother.
Id`e limit the time your son spends with her,what a bully.
Clearly has no remorse the way she treated you.
Who knows where she will stop.
Son comes first always.
And his feelings have to come into this too.

By accepting money from your parents it sounds like you are allowing them to control you. Why have you taken money rather than chose to be independent? Most likely because you are enmeshed, I would look the term up if you are unfamiliar with it. Please protect your son and yourself OP.

I can't imagine how it must feel to be terrorised by your own parent, OP. Don't let her do the same to your dc. I agree with others, go LC. And don't worry about the money. She's got no way of forcing you to pay it back - like another pp says, set up a monthly standing order if you really want to.

@mummy3yearold I have a similar thread ongoing if you want a bit of solidarity, will try to link

My crappy childhood has just exploded www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3656489-my-crappy-childhood-has-just-exploded

Please, protect your son from your mother. Your DD did not protect you, but you can protect your DS. She sounds unhinged. The money is just a way to control you.

I've just got to let the abuse wash over me and say "no".

I can understand why you didn’t nothing as a teenager, but why did you go back there in your twenties for this treatment to continue!? Why are you seeing her regularly now, why are you going on holiday with her?

Are you financially dependent on her? If you are, you need to stop! Do you work? How old are you?

Hi Redlocks28 I am nearly 50. The treatment stopped for 15 odd years since I confronted her and went NC then went back in contact when DS was a baby. This is why I have been seeing her regularly. Over the past two years it has been coming back gradually and getting worse and worse until it got to this point. I wonder if she is getting dementia. It is like all the filters are off. (Will not go to the Dr though)

No we are not financially dependent on them. They shove money at us (I won't give details here to preserve anonymity). We do not ask for it. So I suppose it is a gift not a loan.

I do work part time. I am saving now to pay it back. I made the decision to do that when we got back from holiday.

Why did we go with them? Previous holidays were fine, no shouting, everyone obeyed GM. This holiday, GM finding fault with everything.

I bet she isn't getting dementia because I bet she isn't like it with others. Or she might lose it with some people.....my mum would go batshit at neighbours, etc. But she was fine with friends, or anyone she deemed important. If your mum is like this it shows she can control her behaviour if she chooses to.