My life starts here!

[lifebeginstoday]

Hi, well this is a new thread, following on from my 'can I do this all by myself' one. New thread and new name!
It was the injuction hearing yesterday to which H didn't turn up. We had had a talk the night before, amid a lot of tears, but lots of things he said made alarm bells ring again and I knew he just wouldn't change. Then yesterday morning he asked were we going to try again. I said no...I couldn't as the same thing would happen and he went mad, told me to eff off again, packed some stuff and went. Gave me back my keys and went. I went to court for the injunction hearing and H didn't turn up, so the judge ruled in his absence and granted me an occupation order banning him from the house or from coming within 50 yards of it, and also an order preventing him from harassing me (think of the 50ish suicide threats I got last time I left).
I was completely numb yesterday; I expected to feel differently, happy maybe? But I just felt nothing, and then last night I felt unbearably sad. But today I am determined to be positive and look forward. Someone posted a quote a while ago on here which said 'don't look back unless you are planning to go that way' and that's my motto from now on!
I don't know where he is. I don't know if we will hear from him again. I can't belive a man can walk out of his child's life for good, but then again many do and in fact he did it with his 2 children from his first marriage. The problem is that the courts can't serve him with the papers until they can find him. I guess they will try his work place but I have a feeling he will simply disappear, leave his job and go back up North.
Anyway, my children can go back to being children and I can stop walking on eggshells.

That's wonderful news, onwards and upwards. Well done you, what a brilliant and strong mother you are.

Good luck for your future, as you said, dont look back only forward. well done

at leat the injuction is in full swing......whether or not he has the papers u now have the right to get him arrested if he breaks these terms.i dont really know of ur story but i think ur a very strong woman to have done this.......be proud of urself and think of what a great life u and ur dc are going to have x

Hi, and thanks. It's very early days, and no doubt I'll have times when I don't want to get out of bed. But I intend to keep busy, decorating and doing jobs around the house that haven't been done. Small things make you feel really empowered; he let the tv license expire, and only told me yesterday and thought I wouldn't be able to afford to renew it. So I just called them, set up a new one in my name (don't want things with his name on) and set up a quarterly payment plan. Tiny thing but it feels good. Every time my phone goes I am nervous; I guess I'll have to change my number at some point.
Fawkeoff...it's been an ongoing story, but basically there has been a lot of emotional abuse in the marriage, both towards me and my children. We went into a refuge in January, but came out after he promised to change, counselling, meds etc...but of course this didn't happen. Things came to a head and reached that point of no return. I had to get out for the sake of my children's childhoods and my own sanity. It's been bloody hard, and is the hardest decision I have ever had to make, but I know we'll get there.

Weird thing is, he has taken almost nothing with him. he threw a few bits into a bag, papers etc, and some clothes and then went. But he didn't even take his toothbrush. He left expensive camera equipment behind too. I asked what was I supposed to do with the rest of his stuff and he told em to burn it, or if there was anything which had meant anything to him then to keep it for our DD who is 3 when she grows up. I am worried that he will do something stupid, he's done it before (before we met). But I can't be held responsible for his decisions. It was his behaviour which led to the marriage breaking down so he has to now deal with it.

well i think its a fantastic thing for u to have done.your children will be so proud and grateful to you that u have left this poor excuse of a man.it must be daunting and exhilerating at the same time to have power back and be in control of ur life.

so am i guessing that because the ralationship has broke down between you and im that he wont bother to have a relationship with his children???

I really don't know if he will or not. He told me that once he left we'd never hear from him again. And I know after his first marriage failed he 'disappeared' and didn't have contact with his first wife or kids for years. Even now, his kids are 20 and 18 and he rarely sees them...he even went so far as to tell them we are living down South when in fact we're in East Anglia, about 30 odd miles from where they are! So I don't know. In one way it'd be easier...certainly for me and my eldest 2 (who are from my first marriage) and to be honest he doesn't know how to 'be' around kids and I would be dreading his influence on her. When we first got married he expected silence at the dinner table (the kids were 5 and 7 at the time!!!), and believes that kids shouldn't have any say or opinion on anything until they are 15/16. He cannot abide anyone standing up for themselves or disagreeing with him, so really loses it when kids say no to him. It's an odd situation.
It does feel really odd. Yesterday I blitzed my bedroom, today I have blitzed the living room, and can't get used to the fact that I can do all this without having to check or ask permission. And I am going out in a bit to buy picture hooks as he has always refused to allow me to put up any photos on the walls...said he couldn't stand having kids 'gawping down' at him!?!?!? Oh and I put up curtains on the window this morning...we bought them a year ago and they've never been out of their packet!

so pleased that he's gone. Please would you change the locks anyway just in case???? I suggest you bag/box up all his stuff - keep anything remotely vaulable together in one box. If he doesn't ask for it/arrange to collect it within 4 months but it on freecyce and ebay the valuable stuff.

I'm sure you feel emotionally exhausted. I@m sure your children are very pleased perhaps they will be enthusiastic about helping you decorate, tidy & make a fresh start.

Really am so pleased for you after it was all getting so nasty - make sure you change your claim for housing & c. tax, income support, child tax credit etc immediately today as you will need the money.

well i would treat it as he is not coming back into ur lives and anything he has left at YOUR home just throw and as cargirl sugggests anything worth selling sell it and get urself some nice picture frames with the money u make of it , think ur a brilliant person for standing up to this bully of a man..........and at least u've learned from ur mistakes which many women never do x

Definitely ebay the good stuff, if he doesn't reappear in the next couple of months. It'll give you some money for Christmas . Keep going.

Hi again. Well, no word as yet and the peace in the house is beautiful! My 2 older children are at their Dad's for the week, which makes it too too quiet, but at the same time it's giving me some 'healing' time, and also is enabling me to spend some time with DD2 as she must be wondering where he is. I did explain to her that Daddy is going to live somewhere else from now on, and she seemed fine with it so I'll just leave it at that for now.
The house smells gorgeous. Because H slept downstairs, and more often than not had the windows closed all night, the room smelt stake and stuffy. He would leave his clothes lying about the room, and it was generally a mess. But now I've rearranged the furniture, thrown some out, made lots of space (I can't stand clutter) and bought some of those plug in air fresheners and it's like a different house. I bought some flowers and a vase (I never had one as I never got flowers) and put them in the window and at the moment I feel pretty contented . I have to say I am just waiting on the phone ringing or some contact from him to shatter the peace but apart from that I'm feeling ok.
At the moment DD2 is happily sitting next to me, colouring in and chatting away to herself. There's no tv on (H had it on ALL the time) and I am catching up on e mails etc. I'm not daft enough to think it'll all be plain sailing from here on in, but at least I and the children can start to breathe again.

Message withdrawn

good!!! I really hope that you never here from him again and he just walks away completey. Sad for your dd I know but preferable to the misery he'll cause if wants to.

Am so pleased for you, have you got the admin stuff sorted out?

No problem . It's odd because I assumed that once I was properly separated I would be raring to go on meeting someone else (you have to understand that we had not had a relationship for years so it felt like I'd been single for a long time) but now that I could, I don't want to. I just want to shut the door on the world, and concentrate on my kids. I have a lot of making up to do to them, even though I was always standing up for them I still put them in this situation in the first place. So when they come back from their Dad's I am going to just 'be' with them IYSWIM? Again it's a time for healing (I hate that phrase by the way, it sounds so 'self helpish' but it's the best way to describe it) and I want to get on with the silly things which we couldn't do before. Laugh at the dinner table, mop up gravy with bread without being told we were disgusting, leave part of a meal without being told you had to eat every scrap on the plate or you'd get it for breakfast, watch tv in the living room, on the comfy sofa instead of crammed around the kitchen table watching a fuzzy portable, stay in pyjamas til midday at the weekend if we want, watch the soaps without being told to 'get a life', eat a bar of chocolate without being told 'should you really be eating that?' despite the fact that I have lost 3 stone and he's not lost a thing, to have xmas day without the kids being shouted at for making a mess and to be able to watch the family movies on Xmas afternoon, stuffed full of turkey. It's been a tough time, and I'm just looking forward to undoing the damage.

Cargirl...yes. I have spent the last couple of days transferring bills to my name, getting council tax benefit and housing benefit sorted out, even looking at quotes for house insurance as he never bothered and I live in fear of the house flooding and us not being able to replace the contents!
I had an electricity pre payment meter installed so no electricity bills to look forward to, central heating is oil fired so no gas bill (just have to put the money aside for the oil), have even started buying a £20 gift card from tesco every couple of weeks so that come Xmas I can splash out on yummy food! I have actually impressed myself as I am useless at admin, but it's surprising how quickly you learn when you have 3 kids depending on you!

Great shame about getting the meter - it would actually be cheaper to pay monthly by direct debit as you get cheaper elecricty by the unit! See how it works out for you though.

Cargirl...I know. I did weigh it up but it doesn't work out a lot more expensive, but the peace of mind is worth it! The usage will be lower though, as when he was here he would watch tv til the early hours sometimes, and also had a ceiling fan on all night. Now that has stopped the usage will be lower, so one should negate the other. I am starting to look forward to the challenge as I convinced myself for so long that I couldn't do it alone. But to be honest, even if we had to live on baked beans every night and had no money, I'd be happier than I have been with his wages coming in. I think, after doing my maths, I will even be able to save some money every month, something I've never managed to do before.

glad you are feeling back in control of your life.

Ditto some finacial advice- instead of buying a gift card from Tesco, why ot open a savings account and at least you'll get some interest-(look at mini cash isas where you can put money in and take it out as you want to-) albeit not much, but you might also be able to leave something in the account rather than feeling you have to spend it all at Tescos!

I wish you luck with your new life- you ex sounds a complete bully- make sure you establish who you are and what you want before you get into another relationship- you need time to grieve and start again, so don't jump in too fast!

You sound so positive and strong, youre doing all the right things!

i know what you mean about doing things without asking. I want to redecorate when P leaves, but I feel as if he'll always be just behind my shoulder saying I should have sanded that first with 20 grades of sandpaper!

So sad about your Hs attitude towards your DCs though. I hope they can be happier too.

oh my god , i think you should be sooooo proud of urself.just goes to show how great ur life is in this short time without him.I really hope the fecker keaves uwell alone now, it is a shame for ur dd but im sure her upbringing will be much happier without him x

OMG OMG OMG!!!!! I live in a village, a real farming community, and I have hero worshipped this one farmer since we moved in (hey, nothing wrong with crushes ) who is tall dark and handsome, tanned, brilliant blue eyes and the whitest teeth. Anyway, I was just out with DD2 in the car and he flagged me down. Asked me if I wanted him to pop in later and check that I'm ok as he'd heard 'rumours'. He was embarrassed to admit that people had been talking, but it's inevitable in a small village and in fact the more people who know about the injunction the better. So...OH....MY....GOD! Trouble is I am so out of tune with the whole thing that I don't know if it was flirting or if he was being neighbourly (I'm a city girl so unused to the country way of life). I told him what had happened and when I was leaving he called after me and said 'well, think about what I said'!!!! Help!

either way it will be good to have someone looking out for you! Just don't jump into a new relationship of any sort, dating is one thing but don't take it beyond that for a long time you need time to recover>.

But if he is flirting enjoy it!

omfg!!!! i think u should deffo let him come round.........if he wasnt interested in u he would have just kept his gob shut.........am really excited for u