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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My life starts here!

84 replies

lifebeginstoday · 03/08/2007 10:02

Hi, well this is a new thread, following on from my 'can I do this all by myself' one. New thread and new name!
It was the injuction hearing yesterday to which H didn't turn up. We had had a talk the night before, amid a lot of tears, but lots of things he said made alarm bells ring again and I knew he just wouldn't change. Then yesterday morning he asked were we going to try again. I said no...I couldn't as the same thing would happen and he went mad, told me to eff off again, packed some stuff and went. Gave me back my keys and went. I went to court for the injunction hearing and H didn't turn up, so the judge ruled in his absence and granted me an occupation order banning him from the house or from coming within 50 yards of it, and also an order preventing him from harassing me (think of the 50ish suicide threats I got last time I left).
I was completely numb yesterday; I expected to feel differently, happy maybe? But I just felt nothing, and then last night I felt unbearably sad. But today I am determined to be positive and look forward. Someone posted a quote a while ago on here which said 'don't look back unless you are planning to go that way' and that's my motto from now on!
I don't know where he is. I don't know if we will hear from him again. I can't belive a man can walk out of his child's life for good, but then again many do and in fact he did it with his 2 children from his first marriage. The problem is that the courts can't serve him with the papers until they can find him. I guess they will try his work place but I have a feeling he will simply disappear, leave his job and go back up North.
Anyway, my children can go back to being children and I can stop walking on eggshells.

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 06/08/2007 15:28

totally agree aout not diving into a relationship tho x just take it slow if anything happens x

paulaplumpbottom · 06/08/2007 15:30

Well done! Keep the positive attitude up.

Original poster
lifebeginstoday · 06/08/2007 15:30

Fawkeoff...well I'm s**t scared! LOL. It's lovely though...every time he drives past the house in his tractor he slows down and looks in the window, and if he sees me waves wildly! I don't know if I'm reading it all wrong or not, but either way you have no idea how nice it is to have someone attractive listening to you and paying attention to you after years of being ignored.
Trouble is, I'm not sure if he's still married or not. I know he has 2 kids but I haven't seen his wife for months now. I'd never ina million years get involved with a married man but he was so open about coming around to check on me I'm all confused now!

OP posts:
hellish · 06/08/2007 15:30

wow - your farmer sounds gorgeous, ask him round for a cup of tea
take time for 'healing' and building up your emotional strength. But a friendly (and handsome) face won't do any harm.

Original poster
lifebeginstoday · 06/08/2007 15:31

Fawkeoff...God no! I won't be rushing headlong into anything for a long time. Nice to see that years of enforced celibacy haven't sunk my libido for good though

OP posts:
Original poster
lifebeginstoday · 06/08/2007 15:32

Hellish...he is SO handsome! LOL. In fact he's the first thing I noticed when I moved in here and I've had a crush on him ever since.

OP posts:
hellish · 06/08/2007 15:33

your village sounds just like where I used to live, are you in the North West?

Original poster
lifebeginstoday · 06/08/2007 15:47

Hellish, no I'm in the East. It's a beautiful place, very tranquil. Surrounded by fields and paddocks. Cottages with roses around the doors, real picture postcard. There's a summer ball every year which everyone goes to (we haven't been yet as no one would invite us due to H being so unapproachable). This is why I have fought so hard to keep my home for me and the kids. It's a council house (the only one here) and if we gave it up and moved out we might end up in a town or city estate just when the kids have got used to healthy country life. Our next door neighbours have horses in the garden and are teaching the kids to ride, and it's a lovely slow pace of life.

OP posts:
hellish · 06/08/2007 15:52

sounds like the perfect place for you and your dcs to start your new life,
keep strong, and enjoy your new freedom.

fawkeoff · 06/08/2007 20:36

it sounds an absolute gorgeous place for u to bring the dc up.......im assuming gorgeous farmer wouldnt be really approaching you if he was still involved......as u've mentioned that its a small town so news would deffo travel fast.i just think its fab that hes took the time to let you know he's there if u need him

Mumfun · 07/08/2007 18:49

Oh wow Im so pleased for you.

Your house sounds great. Im so glad hes gone. You sound so strong -well done - you have achieved an incredible amount.

Im sorry DD2 will be left without a Dad probably but TBH and sounds hard but better then the one she was experiencing!

Neighbour farmer sounds great too and its great to get some attention!You sound together about that situation too!

Thanks for asking on other thread - I was away with my parents for 9 days - best to say that my kids had a great time - I went for their sake!

Anyway look forward to hearing further how things go.

Take care

MF

Original poster
lifebeginstoday · 08/08/2007 08:16

Hi Mumfun, and lol@ the kids enjoying it! I know that feeling well. My teeth are always aching after a visit to or from my Mum from me gritting them so hard for the duration!
Things have settled into a nice calm routine here, although as my older DC are away at their Dad's at the moment it's not quite 'right' IYSWIM. They come back on Friday night though. In the meantime I have painted my bathroom - a lovely cornflower blue which is far more calming than the vivid aqua colour it was previously. Have some glossing to do today in there, and need to fill in a couple of holes and that'll be a nice surprise for the kids when they get home .
I've heard on the grapevine that it seems he is now sleeping rough - well, in his car anyway. I don't know if this is true or not but it wouldn't surprise me as this is what he did when the police kicked him out last year. I've heard nothing from him at all but this is a small place and people do notice what's going on. I feel sorry for him TBH but I can't let that colour my judgement of the situation. He's responsible for himself. As for the 'object of my affections', I haven't seen or heard from him since he flagged me down the other day. Not sure if I'm disappointed or relieved . I certainly wouldn't rush into anything relationship wise with anyone - I prefer the 'slow burn' thing...I've been starved of romance for so long that the next poor man who manages to gain my trust will have an awful lot of flowers to buy, lol.
Anyway, that's it really so far. I'll deffo keep you posted on developments though

OP posts:
Original poster
lifebeginstoday · 08/08/2007 08:17

Wow...would you look at that....three smiles in one post!

OP posts:
Original poster
lifebeginstoday · 08/08/2007 08:38

I just called a locksmith to see how much it'd be to get the locks changed (the council won't do it for me) and they charge £59 per hour + VAT! No way I can afford that at the moment. I'm ok while I am in the house as both doors are permanently bolted but when I'm out, if he ahd got a key cut, he could get in the back way. Hmm...

OP posts:
titchy · 08/08/2007 10:34

Put a padlock on the outside of your backk door?

Original poster
lifebeginstoday · 08/08/2007 12:03

Just wanted to share some good news. I recently had to go for my fourth smear test in 2 years as I had had some 'abnormal' results. I got a letter today saying I'm all clear!!!! Yaaaayyy. That was another thing on my mind, and now that's another worry lifted. Life feels pretty good right now.

OP posts:
Dior · 08/08/2007 13:12

Message withdrawn

Mumfun · 08/08/2007 13:25

Oh great re smear. youve reminded me must do something re my reminder letter. Thanks!

Dior · 08/08/2007 13:33

Message withdrawn

Original poster
lifebeginstoday · 08/08/2007 14:02

Thanks...but for every silver lining there is a dark cloud. H just phoned, wanting to see DD. He wouldn't tell me where he was living but he's not at work (wonder if he's left or been fired?). He said he wanted to take her up North to his mother (the same one who took DD's bracelet back off her). I told him no way, if he wanted to see her it had to be with me present. So I have to take her to a local park later to meet him. . When I asked her just now 'do you want to go and see Daddy later?' she said 'no'!!! I asked why not and she said 'will you be there?' and I said yes, so she said ok. You don't expect a 3 year old to really take anything in do you?
Anyway, not looking forward to this at all.

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 08/08/2007 17:11

hows the meeting up gone?????, if ur uncomfortable and more importantly dd is also, then it would be wise if u got legal advice about monitered visitations for the forseeable future.And are ur doors double glazed??? if not u can just buy a new barrell for the door,we lost our backdoor key so swored right through it and bought a new barrell for a tenner and it came with 2 keys

Mumfun · 08/08/2007 17:47

Oh lbt

Difficult one but you are doing the right thing. But you would be better to put on official footing for future. Also be sure of your and DD personal safety when meeting.

Let us know how you are when it suits

MF

Original poster
lifebeginstoday · 08/08/2007 18:29

Hi, well that was pretty bloody awful. H still won't accept that it's over - he still thinks I am throwing my teddies out of the pram, proving a point, whatever. He started talking about 'us' and what we could do to get back to normal (like I'd want to get back to his normality...that's what I'm trying to escape!). He wants to 'talk' to my 2 older kids, explain things he said but the last time he did this he spent 2 hours telling the kids all the things THEY did wrong and completely exhonerated himself of blame. I told him we were finished but it was very difficult to labour the point with DD there as he would go off on one and make her unhappy. He's told me to meet him, with the kids, on Sunday. If we're not there to send his mail etc to his mother's up North. But there was no emotion at all, he was talking AT me all the time, and he got impatient with DD...after an hour he told her it was time to go as it was raining (it wasn't) and when he went to get her off the swing she said 'not you, I want Mummy' and he stropped about it, then walked off, leaving the park completely.
He wouldn't tell me where he's staying which increases my belief that he's living rough, or at least in his car.
When I was sitting in my car waiting to go again, he was talking through the window and I could feel all that panic and suffocation building up inside me again. It was awful. He said if there's no chance of 'us' he will be moving away, 200 miles. So I really will need to get a supervised contact order in place as there is no way he is taking her away overnight. a) because she doesn't want to be with him if I'm not there anyway...she said so today. b) because she is back sleeping in my bed with me and it would be unsettling for her and c) because I don't trust him to bring her back or to treat her right - he would try and poison her mind as he's already tried to do. he's threatened to take her away from me already and as he still won't accept the reality of the situation I really do think his mind isn't in a good place right now, given his suicidal history and depression.

OP posts:
Dior · 08/08/2007 18:33

Message withdrawn

fawkeoff · 08/08/2007 18:47

you need to get the monitered visitation sorted asap.do not give this man an inch because he will take a mile.If he wants to move 200 miles away because you wont get back with him then its his hard shit.....he obviously wont be seeing dd if hes that far away.well done for staying strong but he is using dd to manipulate you.he is using dd for his benefit of getting in your head.