My life starts here!

[lifebeginstoday]

Hi, well this is a new thread, following on from my 'can I do this all by myself' one. New thread and new name!
It was the injuction hearing yesterday to which H didn't turn up. We had had a talk the night before, amid a lot of tears, but lots of things he said made alarm bells ring again and I knew he just wouldn't change. Then yesterday morning he asked were we going to try again. I said no...I couldn't as the same thing would happen and he went mad, told me to eff off again, packed some stuff and went. Gave me back my keys and went. I went to court for the injunction hearing and H didn't turn up, so the judge ruled in his absence and granted me an occupation order banning him from the house or from coming within 50 yards of it, and also an order preventing him from harassing me (think of the 50ish suicide threats I got last time I left).
I was completely numb yesterday; I expected to feel differently, happy maybe? But I just felt nothing, and then last night I felt unbearably sad. But today I am determined to be positive and look forward. Someone posted a quote a while ago on here which said 'don't look back unless you are planning to go that way' and that's my motto from now on!
I don't know where he is. I don't know if we will hear from him again. I can't belive a man can walk out of his child's life for good, but then again many do and in fact he did it with his 2 children from his first marriage. The problem is that the courts can't serve him with the papers until they can find him. I guess they will try his work place but I have a feeling he will simply disappear, leave his job and go back up North.
Anyway, my children can go back to being children and I can stop walking on eggshells.

He says he will see her once a month if he moves up there; he will have to drive down and see her either with me or at a contact centre if he does move for the reasons in my last post. I just can't gauge his psychological state at the moment...he's a very messed up man but also very clever and can manipulate people very very well. he also told me before that when you make the decision to commit suicide you become very calm and nobody would realise so how the f**k can I let DD go anywhere with him? He's also told me he can fully understand how a parent can shake a baby to death or smash a child's head into the wall in temper . This was a long time ago but just shows that whereas most people have a safety valve which would stop us doing it, his is obviously faulty. I just can't read him at the moment which scares me.
When he asked why he couldn't take DD away I told him that he won't see her alone until I am satisfied that all is well, and if he didn't agree then to see a solicitor. he started raising his voice slightly and straight away said 'oh, going to tell them I'm mental are you?'. Well, no, but all I am concerned about at the moment is DD's welfare, not how he thinks people see him.

Don't know if I mentioned it in earlier posts but he has a history of mental illness. He spent 3 months in a psychiatric hospital shortly before I met him, and that was after a relationship breakdown too. he threatened to kill her and then almsot ended his own life. He was found in time and then hospitalised in the psych unit, for his own safety and the safety of others!!! So my fears are very real. he admits he didn't get the help he needed, and that he should have had help for longer and came out before he was ready.

well i think u should tell them that you have concerns about his mental health.......especially when it comes to the welfare of dd.She is uneasy around him anyway and doesnt want to be with him on her own,that is enough evidence that he is in no fit state to be seeing her without being monitered.do u think that he will come down once a month if he moves away?

His metal health is not your problem but you must insist that your children are safe and do not see him in this state.

You do not have to be nasty just state the facts and say that you will allow him to see her.

If he chooses not to see her then it is up to you to make sure he is still in her life - by sending cards and remembering birthdays ect. Even if you send them on to his mums. Your d will remeber that you did this and should then not be swayed by him that you are the baddie in all this.

Good luck and keep strong you are doing fine.

I think ur being fantastic though,i bet he's shocked that he's not manipulated you into taking him back......keep letting him know that he is fighting a losing battle and that your happy he's moving away

There will be records of his stay and i am sure that any solicitor will insist on supervised visits.

You must make sure your solicitor knows about the mental illness and those comments he made about shaking babies!

Surely if he chooses to move 200 muiles away he must then make the arrangements to come and see DD with you or in some place of safety, as you cant let hinm take her away, and you shouldnt be expected to take her somewhere to suit him.

Hi everyone. Well all's been quiet again. I have put off telling H I will not meet him on Sunday as I know he would give me hassle so I will wait until tomorrow to tell him. I just can't put the kids through it. I spoke to my oldest 2 yesterday about it (they are away at the mo) and they were both horrified at the idea of having to go and be talked 'at' by H. They need peace now, and calm. They have been Home educated for the last year due to bullying at their last school (poor kids have had it from every direction) and they are starting at a new school in September and they are pretty scared about it so they need some tranquility and (that awful phrase again) healing time.
As for my gorgeous farmer...NOT so gorgeous. he turned up the other night, late. I was working at the pc and he knocked on the window (stupid man, he knew I had an injunction out on ex but thought nothing of creeping into my garden at 10 o clock at night and scaring the s**t out of me!). Anyway, he told me he is still married but 'what's wrong with 2 adults having some fun and taking a chance?' . I said no way, call me old fashioned but a) he has a wife and 2 little girls at home who stand to be very very hurt and b) I have 3 children here who need to settle down and should anything happen and is found out I would be run out of the village! No way. I still believe in sisterhood and wouldn't touch another woman's husband. he turned up with a condom in his pocket!!!!!!!!!!
Then yesterday morning he knocked on the door while I was in the bath. I got out and answered the door in a towel and there he was (I thought it was the postie). he asked was I alright and I said fine thanks. I figured that would be the last of it but again he turned up late last night . I told him in no uncertain terms that nothing would ever happen between us and he was still trying...'will nothing persuade you?' and 'can't I tempt you?'. FFS...he was trying his luck while my older kids are away...'make hay while the sun shines' as he put it! Thank God they are coming home today! Sigh..is this what awaits me? Am V proud of myself for saying no though, as he is rather gorgeous...looks wise anyway.

well done you, on your not so gorgous farmer.
MEN!
what a bloody nerve. at least he was honest i spose.

He had no choice TBH. It's a really small village so he knew he wouldn't be able to bluff his way. I knew he had been married, but when he approached me last week I assumed he wasn't still with her as he was so obvious about it. Also I hadn't seen her for months.

lol at farmer's suggestions.. do you think they have secret lessons at school in 'how to charm women'

well done for saying no, and a big thumbs up for the way you have taken control of your life

Herladyship...I suppose it is quite funny, in a farcical kind of way! Not so funny for his ppor wife though - he told her he was going rabbiting! .
It's amazing how in control I feel with my life now. It's only been 9 days since H left, but the difference is amazing. It's a happy house again. No creeping around. No me telling the kids off before he did because I knew they'd get it far worse if it came from him. Watching MY programmes on tv. I've decorated the bathroom, even painted the ceiling and poly-filla'd a big hole in the wall. I can come and go as I please instead of rushing to get back by 3pm as he was generally home by then. I'm studying for diplomas with a view to setting up as a mobile therapist once DD2 goes to school. I refuse to go under because of this. He nearly dragged me completely down before, so now he's not here the only way is up!

at the 'rabbiting' excuse, that really is a new name for it!!

the more you post, the more full of admiration i am for the way you are handling things

Herladyship...lol, I know. I did wonder if it was a euphonism (sp) for 'it'!
I know it sounds like I am fully in control and getting on beautifully, but there are times (not whole days I admit) when I feel like jacking it all in and just going back to the way it was. It all seems like too much of a fight sometimes and I'm so tired. But I've come this far and it would be madness. When me and the children left to go into the refuge in January I was determined not to go back. However, he won me over with promises and I came back. But within days he was going back to his stroppy ways and nasty comments and the feeling in the pit of my stomach was indescribable. I was disgusted with myself for giving in, and felt so trapped and I knew I'd never have the strength to go back into a refuge and leave everything behind. So this time I have fought from my own corner which makes it much much easier as I am in my own place, surrounded by my own things. Not answerable to anyone and my own boss. I just know that there wouldn't be a third time. if I go back now that would be it. And I also know that I would lose my kids as soon as they reached 16 as they would be off like a shot to get away from him. I want my kids around me for as long as they need to build their own lives. he also told them that once they leave home they cannot visit unless they have made an appointment! That's not the way I want my life...I want an open house where my kids feel welcome to come and visit, to drop in for dinner, to bring boyfriends/girlfriends home to meet Mum. So I typed up a saying I heard on here a few weeks ago and have it on the wall...it says 'Never look back unless you intend going that way'. And it works .

Hi, well I'm waiting for the s**t to hit the fan today. When I took DD2 to see him last week, he said he wanted me and the children to meet him today at 4pm as he wants to talk to the older 2. I asked what did he want to say to them and he said that he needed to 'explain things'. However, last time he did this he spent 2 hours telling them how bad they were! So I've decided not to go. I never said I would go anyway, but I know what will happen. He's like a lawyer in a court room when he gets going - no one can argue with him, he ties you in knots. And the kids don't need that, neither do I.
I'll take DD2 to see him (not today) as long as I'm there and as long as he doesn't use the opportunity to try and talk me into taking him back. But I am going to see my solicitor about supervised access. He hasn't grasped the fact that we are over yet, and when he does I think (from past experience) that his depression will come back with a vengeance and when that happens he is suicidal; I've had to go through it many times in the 4 years we've been married.
I don't know whether to just not turn up or text him and say I'm not going.

you dont owe him any favours anyway....jst tell him ur not going.....this will teach him a lesson,that he cannot dictate anything to u or ur children anymore.You know how better ur life has become in such a short time...well done.Have to say that the farmer is a complete nob ed

LOL, yeah the farmer is a complete twunt!
If I had my way I would never have to ahve contact with H again, but I figure if I take DD2 to see him, albeit when I am there, if he decides to go to court when I apply for supervised contact he can't say I am keeping DD2 from him, or trying to stop him seeing her. Which I'm truly not. But my gut feeling is screaming at me not to let him see her alone. Hopefully, when I don't go today he will sod off away and leave us in peace as his ego cannot take being rejected. he's not one to nurture relationships with 'absent' parents anyway. he has always tried to poison my older 2 against their own Dad (who they have a wonderful relationship with) by telling them he doesn't want them, that the reason he bought a 2 bed house instead of a 3 bed was so they couldn't stay there with him, that he didn't want them there because he wants to go and get p*sed every weekend, that if their Dad wanted them he wouldn't have sh*ged around! So he's going for double standards here.

Here we go. I text him to let him know I wasn't going to meet him today. Now the hassle starts. Accusing me of seeing someone else, sending texts like 'have a nice life with him', and '2 women I have loved have cheated on me, it was only a matter of time before you did it too' etc. . He called and said that as soon as the divorce is through, he will have a contact order which means (in his own words) 'he can do what the hell he likes with DD2, and take her wherever he wants to and say whatever he wants to and I will have no say in it'. In view of his threats before about taking her away and me never seeing her again I find this worrying. And also, suppose an order was out in place and she was screaming and asking not to go with him (she doesn't want to see him without me being there) could I say no? I certainly couldn't hand her over if she was pleading with me not to let him take her. God, I hate this.

Hi

Sorry this is not good for you.

You will have to use all the evidence against him ie mental health problems, suicidal stuff and the dodgy things he said recently to try to make all his access to her supervised. It sounds hard but her safety is paramount. But I hope someone comes along who has experience of this area because I dont.

I can understand that you are tired but if you can keep going you know you will able to make things great for your kids. Hopefully he will get lost!

And the farner is a s**t. Not to put you down but anyone is vulnerable who splits up with someone else and he tried to prey on you in that situation.

Hope it all starts to get better. You are right to stand up to DH and do whats best for the kids not what he wants. Also he has zero rights to see your eldest - if they dont want to - theyve had enough Im sure.

Anyway take care for now

keep the text messages on ur phone and go to the solicitors tomorrow.You need to tell them that he is mentally unstable and you want supervised visitations.Ask them to copy messages incase it ever goes to court.At the end of the day you have to go to any measures to make sure that DDs welfare is number 1 priority.He is a waste of space and dont let his "bully in the playground" threats get to u.

Hi. Well, I have the texts on my phone. Unfortunately he said all that about having her and me not having a say in it on the phone, not via text so no record of that. But the refuge workers read all his suicide threats back in jan/Feb...it was over a weekend and they had to call someone in as I was in such a state. they read them so I'm sure they would corroborate the facts.
Social services were involved re: my older 2 children, and I also asked them for help with this latest s**t. They told me I had to get him out of the house immediately and not to let him take DD2 anywhere. So is that enough do you think? I just have this awful awful sick feeling in my gut when I think about him taking her anywhere without supervision, adn I've learnt to go on gut feelings a lot lately.
I will do anything, anything to protect my kids. I let them down by marrying him in the first place and putting them though 4 years of crap; no way am I putting them, any of them, at risk now.

just tell the solicitors about what has happened in the past and that its on file with social services.The solicitors will do everything in their power to help.He hasnt even got anywhere to kive so i cant see anybody giving him any parental custody.He is a complete fuckwit and is still trying to bully u thinking that u will get back with him....remember u have the injunction and if he carries on harrassing u on the phone then ring the police

do u honestly think he's cauding all this shit because he wants to see dd......he is using her as a weapon which in my opinion is pretty dam low

stay strong, refuse to speak to him - tell him all communication must be in writing from now on. Even if it's by text at least then you have evidence against him. Change your home phone number?

Fawkeoff...yes he is using her to get at me, and I agree it's the lowest of the low. What pees me off is that if he was justified in giving me all this crap I'd understand it (not using a little girl though), but I never caused all of this. he did, by his abuse and lies and cheating. I put my heart and soul into the marriage, gave up everything. But even I have a saturation point.
Cargirl...my home number is changing shortly; I have taken over the phone line, but they won't do it until the end of the month. One small plus of that is that it is still his bill at the mo, so any calls I make will go on his bill, not mine!