Being called 'good girl'

[SarahH19]

What is it with some men in calling woman a 'good girl'?

Am I being unreasonable to be offended?

I've only dated one man who has used this phase towards me but I have heard it a few times. But what's with it?

My late grandfather in law would have said “she’s a good girl” and it would have meant “She is a dutiful young woman who defers to her parents and will later defer to her husband and who does not have sex before she’s married”. I think that was a pretty universal usage in the past. Often to be found in fiction involving house maids (“I’m a good girl, I am”) rejecting-at least on a temporary basis) the advances of their social superiors.

If my partner said that to me, I'd laugh and tell him to fuck off.

If mine tried this with me I'd cut his balls off. End of.

“If mine tried this with me I'd cut his balls off.”

You mean you wouldn’t simper and ask if he’d like you to be a little bit naughty.......?

Bertrand - would I have to keep a straight face?

@BertrandRussell

And the idea of being turned on by being called a “good girl” is worrying

People like different things, you must have worked this out by now surely? You find it ‘yuk’ fair enough, you don’t have to express faux concern for those of us who don’t though. For what it’s worth I also call my DH ‘good boy’ in the bedroom sometimes too.

It’s fuck all to do with porn as a previous poster keeps insisting and everything to do with the dynamics of a sexual relationship- dominant and submissive sex has existed since before the advent of mainstream porn.

Belittling women or suggesting they are in some way inferior or need worrying about for having submissive sexual preferences really annoys me.

Can you simper and keep a straight face, @YetAnotherSpartacus?

Ideology and people's submissive sexual preferences aside entirely, I'm mildly intrigued that 'good girl' seems to be liked a great deal in the context of sex, even by people who say they are put off by the 'daddy' or infantilising associations of it.

Its offensive if you find it so, its not offensive if you don't.

Always found it odd to hear women talk of going out with the girls or having a girls night out, but then men can have a lads do rather than a boys do. 'Girls' I tend to think of as under 18s (unless you're the sort that refers to certain parts of you anatomy as 'the girls')

I hear this a lot, especially at work, I think it’s because I’m in Ireland, it’s normal to hear over here.

Notsofrankly - actually I wouldn't know how to simper. I'm not even sure what it means!

If DH said this to me in bed I'd either cringe to death or die laughing.

“Belittling women or suggesting they are in some way inferior or need worrying about for having submissive sexual preferences really annoys me.”

Belittling women or suggesting they are inferior annoys me too. But so does the idea that men infantilising women in any context is anything but degrading and damaging.

Well said Kate

You might find it ‘degrading and damaging’ Bertrand but that doesn’t mean others in a consensual adult sexual relationship do. It’s not for you to police other people’s sexual turn ons or kinks.

Personally I find it odd that anyone would be turned on by, say, being pissed on or dressing up in a gimp suit. However, I am open minded enough to realise some people do enjoy that and as long as they’re not harming anyone else it’s none of my (or anyone else’s) business.

I get you find the ‘good girl’ concept offensive from a feminist perspective - but if others are enjoying it in their own private lives and are not oppressed or belittled by their partner outside the bedroom, I can’t see why it gets you so riled up. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I hear this a lot, especially at work, I think it’s because I’m in Ireland, it’s normal to hear over here.

I'm Irish too, and I think it's incredibly infantilising. I find it incredibly weird when a friend of mine, who is a year older than I am at 48, will refer to 'another girl at work' -- I will assume she's talking about a student who's in on work experience, but then discover it's a fortysomething area manager.

There seems a weird aversion to using the word 'woman'.

I get you find the ‘good girl’ concept offensive from a feminist perspective - but if others are enjoying it in their own private lives and are not oppressed or belittled by their partner outside the bedroom, I can’t see why it gets you so riled up.

Well, I'm not policing what anyone does in bed and I doubt Bertrand is either but surely it's obvious that there's something interesting going on there, in that women are being turned on in the bedroom by precisely what patriarchy as a whole has done to women for its entire history, belittling them and exerting authority over them?

Clearly many women do find this sexy and all I'm saying is it's interesting to think about why. You can't 'force' yourself to find something a turn on it either does or it doesn't, and it's impossible to hide from yourself what really does it for you, your body likes it or it doesn't -- so why does this do it for so many women?

If you would find it unpalatable to be called a girl and having a man who is your 'equal' assert authority over you outside the bedroom, what makes it sexy (again, for some women) inside the bedroom?

@ErrolTheDragon no it's said about women in that context where I am from . Nobody bats an eyelid at the expression "she's a good girl" it's a compliment here .

Internalised misogyny innit, SperanzaWilde

“I hear this a lot, especially at work, I think it’s because I’m in Ireland, it’s normal to hear over here.”

Yes. Well. There are areas where Irish society’s acceptance of feminism is not all it could be.

I'm northern too, and have never observed 'good girl' being used as a compliment. It's patronising.

@speranzawilde it is interesting isn't it? I am one that, in the bedroom it works, but outside the bedroom is so awful, I dumped someone because he said it to me.

For me, in my day to day RL, I am more than capable in modern society to look after myself, provide for myself and keep myself safe. When it comes to sex, it is much more primal, if there was some post apocalyptic world, or we were still in caves, then a dominant man, with a load of testosterone would be very useful indeed..

It’s fuck all to do with porn as a previous poster keeps insisting

If you’re talking about me (as I mentioned porn), someone on the thread suggested that looking up ‘good girl porn’ would help me understand why it appeals to some people (as the only context I could think of where someone would call someone a good girl in a sexual context was furries). I did that and the first page of thumbnails / results were about ‘daddy’. 🤮🤮

WalkofShame I was referring to TheStuffedPenguin

It's from porn . They use it in that when gagging some woman.

I’m fully aware it, like just about every other sexual predilection and terminology, is used in porn, I was just pointing out that certain phrases like this used in a sexual setting didn’t simply originate from porn. Obviously googling ‘good girl porn’ will bring up porn... 🤷🏼‍♀️

I had a very dear uncle (wc midlands family ) who used the phrase.

(My mum would use it of me grudgingly, lol. )

It was about being a good daughter to his sister.

The parlour maid protesting "I'm a good girl I am seems a bit more cliched working class of the music hall to my ear. And possibly quite classist..

"I'm a good girl I am seems a bit more cliched working class of the music hall to my ear. And possibly quite classist.

I assumed that poster was aware of that and quoting My Fair Lady -- Eliza assumes she's being entrapped in a white slave trade situation when the housekeeper tries to get her to take her clothes off for a bath at Higgins' house and protests 'I'm a good girl, I am'...?

Yes. Well. There are areas where Irish society’s acceptance of feminism is not all it could be.

@BertrandRussell, you are a poster I generally have a lot of time for, but this is lazy. Yes, Irish society has developed in some ways differently to Britain's chiefly because of having been colonised until the early 20thc, and Catholicism becoming a key plank in the ideology of the new state as a way of self-differentiating but it is simply inaccurate to view it as 'backwards' in terms of feminism. Irish feminism has had to fight some different battles. I get a bit tired of some UK posters using Ireland as a way of congratulating themselves on their own progressiveness - in general, this relies on ideas of Irishness which are completely out of date.

Exactly, it is a caricature of working class speech and attitude , done for the laughs.