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Original poster

Boyfriends Dad possibly a sex offender and it is ruining our relationship. Please help.

83 replies

lilcreed · 04/08/2019 20:37

My boyfriend and I are 23 and have been together for 5 years. We have just bought our first home. Literally the same week we were hit with the news that his father is being investigated for taking a picture of a 20 year old girl through her bedroom window (their neighbour) and viewing child pornography online.

My boyfriend is an only child. I have never really had a good relationship with his parents as I feel that they are suffocating and put too much pressure on him. I am a teacher so I feel that I cannot get involved with my boyfriends Dad until we know answers. I was supportive with my boyfriends mum at first, but since she has taken her husband back and they have just bought a new home together. They are waiting for the sale to go through.

My boyfriends mother went into hospital with a blood clot and I did not go to see her as her husband was by her bedside. My boyfriend has told her the position I am in yet she is always asking him why I’m not coming to see her.

I went to my boyfriends house the other day whilst the Dad wasn’t there and the whole family gave me the cold shoulder. They were really cold and asked no questions about my life. I can’t help but think that they are annoyed at me because I can’t accept what’s happening. Everytime I think about it I feel sick.

My boyfriends Dad is being really brazen. He is back in his own home, next door to his 20 year old victim. My boyfriends family asked to see our new home yesterday, so my boyfriend had to go to let them in as I couldn’t be with the Dad. I feel like I’m being forced out of my own home.

I understand that my boyfriend is in a difficult position, but I can’t help but feel angered and upset by this. What he may of done goes against every good bone in my body.

I have invited his Mum and the rest of the family over on Boxing Day this year to make plans early. I have had no response from the Mum and have said to my boyfriend that I don’t want to invite the Dad yet until we know answers.

This is ripping my relationship apart but I feel so anxious about it. To me, my boyfriends Dad could be a cold, evil monster. But I understand that to my boyfriend, that always will be his father.

It’s causing so much strain on my mental health that I am close to wanting to sell up the house already. I have told my boyfriend how I feel about his family and the way they have always been unkind to me but he doesn’t see it. What can I do to save my relationship?

OP posts:
Her0utdoors · 04/08/2019 20:42

It's not my area if expertise, but the first thing that strikes me is that at you need to get the right support and advice professionally. Surely being personally associated with someone like this would have cinsiqunces for your DBS? In a personal level, what a horrible situation to be in.

LolaSmiles · 04/08/2019 20:44

You're fine to keep a distance for now, but maybe speak to your safeguarding lead or union. I'm not sure boyfriend's dad comes under the policy of association.

However, inviting the whole family over except one person when they haven't been proven guilty and the investigation is ongoing is exactly the sort of thing that was going to cause tension in the family and I don't understand why you would do that.

Original poster
lilcreed · 04/08/2019 20:47

He is guilty over taking a photo of the girl through her bedroom window. Also- if it has flagged up on the police system that he has viewed child pornography- then how can this be disputed ?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 04/08/2019 20:48

What a horrible situation.

What does your boyfriend think of this?

Don't forget that unless he's always on your side, if you have children together then his parents will want to see them.

Original poster
lilcreed · 04/08/2019 20:50

My boyfriend is still in contact with his father. In my opinion, they are playing ‘happy families’ not even knowing the outcome of the investigation. I feel like I am on a different planet. X

OP posts:
Original poster
lilcreed · 04/08/2019 20:50

@HollowTalk

OP posts:
LemonSqueezy0 · 04/08/2019 20:53

I would be the same as you. But it can't be easy for your partner. As its only allegations at this point.

If, and I mean IF he is found guilty he will go on the sex offenders register and at that point will have to declare to social services being around your children and their friends eg at their birthday parties... That's no life, let alone being around him, knowing what he is,and has done.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 04/08/2019 20:59

I'd have disowned my family member if they had done that. Are you saying he definitely took the photo? And definitely had child pornography on his computer?

Thanks for you.

Original poster
lilcreed · 04/08/2019 21:04

@DtPeabodysLoosePants the police knocked on the door because he flagged up on their system for downloading a file. They then discovered the photo when they took away his devices. X

OP posts:
DtPeabodysLoosePants · 04/08/2019 21:07

Ugh. What does your bf say about it?

Original poster
lilcreed · 04/08/2019 21:07

@Her0utdoors@LolaSmiles@HollowTalk@LemonSqueezy0@DtPeabodysLoosePants I should probably add that he’s denying the child pornography by saying that he was buying a pushbike on a forsale site and was sent a link by somebody who the police cannot seem to track down. X

OP posts:
Original poster
lilcreed · 04/08/2019 21:09

@DtPeabodysLoosePants boyfriend says innocent until proven guilty. But in my mind ... how can the internet lie?! Also he definitely is guilty on one thing already.

OP posts:
Outsomnia · 04/08/2019 21:11

This reply has been deleted

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DtPeabodysLoosePants · 04/08/2019 21:13

I'd be ending the relationship because your bf is choosing to ignore the fact his dad is a sex offender. The child stuff might not be true but the photo of the lass next door is there on his laptop as proof of his perving. Did she make a complaint about him?
I know he's his dad but still. No way I'd be hanging around.

Hepzibar · 04/08/2019 21:14

Not unusual for family to minimise this type of thing, and he will be totally playing the whole thing down to his family, and they will want to believe him - the truth is far too horrific for them to even contemplate.

You must protect yourself and your career.

Aussiebean · 04/08/2019 21:20

Do you and your BF want children?

LolaSmiles · 04/08/2019 21:21

Outsomnia
My safeguarding training doesn't go that high but my understanding was cyber crime and CSE teams don't have teams that swoop into someone's house when a file is downloaded.
They may have done but who knows.

Feelingwalkedover · 04/08/2019 21:24

I’d end the relationship
What if you had children?
How would you stop him being alone with them?
He likes to see photos of children being raped and abused
No such thing as child pornograhy .its images of child abuse.
I wouldn’t want him round any children of mine

Skittlenommer · 04/08/2019 21:26

If he’s found guilty I’d end the relationship. Not only for the sake of your profession but what if you decide you want children one day. That would make things extremely complicated.

Do you think your BF will change his tune if Dad is found guilty?

AngelasAshes · 04/08/2019 21:30

Sorry but I agree with your bf, his dad is innocent until proven guilty. A person is not a “sex offender” until they have been tried and convicted of a sex offence. People get investigated and cleared ALL the time! Just being investigated does not make you guilty. Lots of MPs recently had their homes raided and were investigate for child porn because of that Westminster pedophile ring...well they found out it was all false and all the accused were cleared.

You are treating his dad as if he were guilty by avoiding him and inviting everyone but him. Yeah, if you’re really worried don’t be alone with him, but what can happen at Boxing Day with the whole family there? You don’t have to pretend or like he’s definitely innocent, but don’t act like he’s guilty when he hasn’t even been charged!!

BumbleBeee69 · 04/08/2019 21:33

However, inviting the whole family over except one person when they haven't been proven guilty and the investigation is ongoing is exactly the sort of thing that was going to cause tension in the family and I don't understand why you would do that.

I don't understand why OP would do this either. Why would OP think this mans entire family would chose to leave him sat alone on boxing day for a day at yours? Innocent or Guilty I'm genuinely baffled by this. Confused

AngelasAshes · 04/08/2019 21:33

As for ending the relationship with the bf because of his father....are you fucking kidding? You’re punishing the son for the (possible) sins of the father. He is not his father. If you have kids, they have no contact with gramps (if he is found guilty).

Gustavo1 · 04/08/2019 21:39

I think I’d have to agree that this is going to be a fundamental issue in your relationship going forward. If you marry, your do will want his dad around. What if you have kids? What if you have girls? Would DP be comfortable with them around his sad? Would you? Could you trust his dm to babysit and keep her partner away?
I hate to say it, but for me, my partner standing by a man who has taken indecent images of a person and has had links to child abuse images (they aren’t referred to as child pornography) would be something I just couldn’t get past.

RandomFriday · 04/08/2019 21:42

This could take sometime as downloading devices isn't quick and in most forces will have a massive backlog.

My work means I'm involved in this type of crime and can clearly see what's happened.

I do think it's unfair to invite all the family but him so I would have invited them at all. Even if he is found guilty and they stand by him I don't think you can ask the family to choose. That's not your place.

LolaSmiles · 04/08/2019 21:51

Or just not invite any of them for Boxing Day given the circumstances and family tension.
Keep at a distance she's comfortable with, seek union guidance on contact impact on professions, and let the investigations run their course. Then make a decision.