Boyfriends Dad possibly a sex offender and it is ruining our relationship. Please help.

[lilcreed]

My boyfriend and I are 23 and have been together for 5 years. We have just bought our first home. Literally the same week we were hit with the news that his father is being investigated for taking a picture of a 20 year old girl through her bedroom window (their neighbour) and viewing child pornography online.

My boyfriend is an only child. I have never really had a good relationship with his parents as I feel that they are suffocating and put too much pressure on him. I am a teacher so I feel that I cannot get involved with my boyfriends Dad until we know answers. I was supportive with my boyfriends mum at first, but since she has taken her husband back and they have just bought a new home together. They are waiting for the sale to go through.

My boyfriends mother went into hospital with a blood clot and I did not go to see her as her husband was by her bedside. My boyfriend has told her the position I am in yet she is always asking him why I’m not coming to see her.

I went to my boyfriends house the other day whilst the Dad wasn’t there and the whole family gave me the cold shoulder. They were really cold and asked no questions about my life. I can’t help but think that they are annoyed at me because I can’t accept what’s happening. Everytime I think about it I feel sick.

My boyfriends Dad is being really brazen. He is back in his own home, next door to his 20 year old victim. My boyfriends family asked to see our new home yesterday, so my boyfriend had to go to let them in as I couldn’t be with the Dad. I feel like I’m being forced out of my own home.

I understand that my boyfriend is in a difficult position, but I can’t help but feel angered and upset by this. What he may of done goes against every good bone in my body.

I have invited his Mum and the rest of the family over on Boxing Day this year to make plans early. I have had no response from the Mum and have said to my boyfriend that I don’t want to invite the Dad yet until we know answers.

This is ripping my relationship apart but I feel so anxious about it. To me, my boyfriends Dad could be a cold, evil monster. But I understand that to my boyfriend, that always will be his father.

It’s causing so much strain on my mental health that I am close to wanting to sell up the house already. I have told my boyfriend how I feel about his family and the way they have always been unkind to me but he doesn’t see it. What can I do to save my relationship?

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM

This is totally unacceptable. And not ok to post.

The father as yet is not convicted. It's reasonable for her partner to show loyalty and believe his father, most people would attempt to, irrelevant of their darkest fears. Because confronting the fact your father is a paedophile is life changing. As said previously it will likely mean the family have to move if he is convicted.

If he is, how he handles that is when she decides on kids. Not now. It's appalling to suggest she should not have kids with him when they haven't even discussed contact or how he would handle a conviction.

If he is convicted, then there will be legal requirements in place surrounding any involvement he has with kids. Life will become more difficult, because even after a release from any possible jail sentence he will be on the sex offenders register and people will be able to find out if there is a paedophile in their community.

This isn't like any other crime, it's life changing for all of them.

I feel like you're not being given the whole story here

This man is a peeping tom, I wouldn't be giving him the benefit of the doubt about anything

Plenty of offenders are never convicted.

OP’s boyfriend will need to make his own judgment. As will OP.

As @Bluntness100 said, whether he is convicted or not it's completely life changing, and the family of the defendant do not get any support, as in the eyes of the law they are not victims. So you're very much left in the dark with the person involved desperately trying to convince you that the police are wrong/ over exaggerating/ just generally minimising the whole thing as much as they can. Let's face it they've got a lot to lose! And fundamentally the family want to believe them, who really would want to believe that their own husband/father/uncle/brother etc was capable of something like that... surely it's a mistake, that's not the person I knew etc etc. It takes a very very long time to come to terms with that news.

As said the defendant and those around him are strongly incentivised to deny and minimise, no one wants this bomb to explode in their life, no one wants this stain on their reputation.
He will want to frame the peeping Tom incident as a one-off out of character exception, but we know that the whole modus operandi of pedophiles and sex offenders involves subterfuge, grooming, subtle maneuvering and manipulation.
The thrill of getting away with it in plain sight, they instinctively know how to have everyone compromised so that it's in everyone's interest to keep quiet.

It is likely that what you know is just the tip of the iceberg

A person is not a “sex offender” until they have been tried and convicted of a sex offence.

Bullshit. A person is a sex offender when they commit a sexual offence, not when convicted. The majority of sex offenders are never convicted, or even charged.

What sink girl said!