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Original poster

Boyfriends Dad possibly a sex offender and it is ruining our relationship. Please help.

83 replies

lilcreed · 04/08/2019 20:37

My boyfriend and I are 23 and have been together for 5 years. We have just bought our first home. Literally the same week we were hit with the news that his father is being investigated for taking a picture of a 20 year old girl through her bedroom window (their neighbour) and viewing child pornography online.

My boyfriend is an only child. I have never really had a good relationship with his parents as I feel that they are suffocating and put too much pressure on him. I am a teacher so I feel that I cannot get involved with my boyfriends Dad until we know answers. I was supportive with my boyfriends mum at first, but since she has taken her husband back and they have just bought a new home together. They are waiting for the sale to go through.

My boyfriends mother went into hospital with a blood clot and I did not go to see her as her husband was by her bedside. My boyfriend has told her the position I am in yet she is always asking him why I’m not coming to see her.

I went to my boyfriends house the other day whilst the Dad wasn’t there and the whole family gave me the cold shoulder. They were really cold and asked no questions about my life. I can’t help but think that they are annoyed at me because I can’t accept what’s happening. Everytime I think about it I feel sick.

My boyfriends Dad is being really brazen. He is back in his own home, next door to his 20 year old victim. My boyfriends family asked to see our new home yesterday, so my boyfriend had to go to let them in as I couldn’t be with the Dad. I feel like I’m being forced out of my own home.

I understand that my boyfriend is in a difficult position, but I can’t help but feel angered and upset by this. What he may of done goes against every good bone in my body.

I have invited his Mum and the rest of the family over on Boxing Day this year to make plans early. I have had no response from the Mum and have said to my boyfriend that I don’t want to invite the Dad yet until we know answers.

This is ripping my relationship apart but I feel so anxious about it. To me, my boyfriends Dad could be a cold, evil monster. But I understand that to my boyfriend, that always will be his father.

It’s causing so much strain on my mental health that I am close to wanting to sell up the house already. I have told my boyfriend how I feel about his family and the way they have always been unkind to me but he doesn’t see it. What can I do to save my relationship?

OP posts:
jackernanna · 05/08/2019 17:09

I'm wondering what was in the photo of the 20 year old? Was she in the street or was it through a window?

A quick read of the OP should clear that up.

Mystraightenersarebroken · 05/08/2019 19:24

@lilcreed contact The Lucy Faithfull Foundation (Google them). There are online resources and an anonymous helpline. They can provide you and your boyfriend with objective professional advice and support.

Divebar · 05/08/2019 22:47

The dad has flagged up somewhere.... possibly using a credit card to purchase images ( as amazing as that seems). I’ve been to several homes to seize computers - with varying quantities of intelligence - sometimes on some quite vague or dated intelligence from other agencies. ( Eg the US). The main evidence comes from the computer analysis which can take a long time. I don’t recall a case where we ever found nothing though ( there may have been). Usually people had images in their thousands at least. Images in their hundreds would have been considered quite low. Offenders are incredibly clever though and often have them encrypted or the laptop technically “ booby trapped” to ensure images are destroyed by anyone trying to locate them. If no images are found it is therefore not proof of innocence. ( remember there would have been intelligence in the first place to justify the warrant / arrest) I think it’s pretty common for family members to deny or minimise child abuse offences. Possession of images in particular is seen as a victimless crime by some. I think you can make whatever stand you feel is appropriate ( I wouldn’t see him either) but you might have to accept the family are choosing to support him at this time.

TheBrockmans · 05/08/2019 23:05

I think that given your profession you are actually 'lucky' as you can give safeguarding and association as a reason to avoid him at least until a verdict is passed. I though would have to consider whether if say he was found not guilty (and remember that that might mean that the level of reasonable proof has not been met) would you ever be happy to let him have contact with any children you might have? Would your boyfriend respect your view on this?

Flyingnextweek · 06/08/2019 01:02

How would you feel being in a relationship with someone who had a convicted sex offender in the family? Just thinking ahead?

BonAccordSpur · 06/08/2019 01:14

Urghh what a horrible situ to find yourself in..im not great at compromise or sacrifice and do not honestly see how this could pan out well (work-wise or emotionally)the FIL-sounds like tip of a huge iceberg-so would unfortunately be getting away from the whole bunch of them ASAP..

Adversecamber22 · 06/08/2019 01:57

As an individual you can avoid him, regardless of his family giving you the cold shoulder. If your partner wishes to see his Father that is down to him. But having dc would be awful as the family are minimising. I guarantee any child would not be safe in the care of anyone in that family because they are choosing not to believe it. If he is convicted and your potential MIL stands by him that’s enough to know any child you have could never be left in her care.

FuriousVexation · 06/08/2019 02:05

@Bluntness100

Spot on.

I'm also concerned that someone who professes to be a teacher is using out dated terms of phrase like "child porn".

kittie01 · 06/08/2019 02:11

How long is it since your bf lived with his parents? Is it possible he was accessing the abuse too but his dad get caught and never mentioned your bf. I’d run far far away, anyone that accepts and speaks to that kind of person is not worthy of my time and is a danger to any children that you may have in the future. When does it stop being acceptable to the family?

IsobelRae23 · 06/08/2019 02:27

There’s several things about this post not ringing true....

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2019 07:26

Isobel yes I was thinking rhat but decided to give the benefit of the doubt. My concern is this is a teacher, who seems to be putting the neighbour above the child abuse images, who seems more worried about her mother in law not being happy with her, about the Xmas visit, when facing the fact her father in law is a suspected paedophile.

LolaSmiles · 06/08/2019 07:32

I thought the same bluntness.

There's also limited awareness of safeguarding and issues linked to images of child abuse / images of CSE that seems quite low for a teacher.

HoppingPavlova · 06/08/2019 07:32

My boyfriend has told her the position I am in yet she is always asking him why I’m not coming to see her.

Surely when he tells her the reason is that you don’t want any contact whatsoever with a man who is a pervert and into kiddie porn, she would ‘get it’. Why does she keep asking after he has said this? If someone gave this to me as the answer there is no way I would be asking a second time.

HowDoIApproachThis · 06/08/2019 07:54

To those doubting the OP, teachers only undertake Levep 1 safeguarding which is incredibly low and doesn't cover anything like this. The focus is how to recognise possible signs of abuse in children; what constitutes abuse; what to do if you are concerned about a particular child and what to do if a disclosure is made so as not to jeopardise any future investigations. Nothing else. I've also heard other teachers use the term child porn because that, until recently, has been the standard vernacular.

OP, if you want to tell your DSL, then it's up to you but professionally, you are not implicated by your boyfriend's dad's actions. The only responsibility you have is to declare whether or not you are living with someone with convictions against a child if you work with children under 8.

However, having been in a similar position, I cut all contact with the person and another family member because of my own moral standpoint. I wasn't required to on professional grounds.

PicsInRed · 06/08/2019 07:56

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM. ⚠️

He's sticking with them, they're a "FOG" (fear obligation guilt) family and if you ever split up it will be an absolute nightmare. Social services don't necessarily mandate keeping kids away from paedophiles unless that particular paedophile molested that particular child. You need to understand that. I repeat, do not have kids with this man.

Loopytiles · 06/08/2019 07:58

It’s not “child pornography” it’s images of child abuse.

HowDoIApproachThis · 06/08/2019 07:58

However, the implications if you were to have children with your boyfriend would be very different.

Your bf wouldn't be expected to cut contact with his dad but any contact your child had with his grandfather would have to be duly supervised at least.

But then, would you want your children around him at all?

HowDoIApproachThis · 06/08/2019 07:59

Fully

Loopytiles · 06/08/2019 07:59

I wouldn’t remain in a relationship with a boyfriend who continued to meet up with his father in ordinary family situations - ie ignoring the issue - in these circumstances.

Loopytiles · 06/08/2019 08:01

Also, why are you letting the justice system decide? Many, many people - including sex offenders - who did crimes are not charged or convicted.

If YOU think or know that he did the crimes, own it.

LolaSmiles · 06/08/2019 08:09

Loopytiles
It's fairly reasonable to wait until the investigation has been completed before making a decision on the relationship and staying away from the father until such a point as it's finished.

It could be he is found guilty, locked up, the boyfriend accepts it and cuts contact and the OP is then happy the relationship has a future.
Or they could continue to back the father and then the Op would be very sensible to call off the relationship.

The OP probably needs to wise up a bit though in terms of her own approach before she can take any action as she's still prioritising the wrong things in this situation

Loopytiles · 06/08/2019 08:12

Not reasonable, when for a range of reasons so many people who commit crimes are never even charged, brought to court or convicted.

LolaSmiles · 06/08/2019 08:16

Totally reasonable because the actions of the family may change depending on the outcome.

Eg. Found guilty and boyfriend accepts this = probably a chance for the relationship

Found not guilty and the boyfriend and family take this to mean innocent and keep defending him in the knowledge that not all such cases get to conviction = categorically the end of the relationship

The OP doesn't have to have anything to do with him in the meantime (but with that she needs to stop fretting about family gatherings and arranging boxing day etc)

Personally, I'd leave now and not invest any more time and effort into things, but that doesn't mean it's the only potential route for the OP (who it seems needs to wise up to things a bit more).

BumblieBee · 06/08/2019 09:07

OP, I have been in your boyfriend's situation. Everyone saying they would instantly disown, it really isn't that straightforward. It's very very hard to just walk away from someone who is so entangled in your life. I did go NC with my father, but it took a year and him going to prison to finally manage it (I had realised a good 6-9months before that that I wanted to, but I didn't want to lose the rest of my family). My advice would be; don't pretend you are ok with the situation and be walked over, but do be there for your boyfriend. My husband was always clear he was unhappy with any contact at all, but helped me to get through the rough times. It was incredibly difficult and I went to some very dark places (seriously considered suicide as I couldn't bear to be related to him). It's very hard to believe that someone you loved and trusted is not who you thought they were.

HoppingPavlova · 06/08/2019 11:06

But then, would you want your children around him at all?

Excellent point. OP, what if you have kids with your partner and he takes them to his family events where supervision with FIL will not be guaranteed? What about if you have kids and split up and you have no control over what happens in the partners time and he leaves FIL to babysit? If you and your partner are not on the same page with this then rethink things very seriously.