Boyfriends Dad possibly a sex offender and it is ruining our relationship. Please help.

[lilcreed]

My boyfriend and I are 23 and have been together for 5 years. We have just bought our first home. Literally the same week we were hit with the news that his father is being investigated for taking a picture of a 20 year old girl through her bedroom window (their neighbour) and viewing child pornography online.

My boyfriend is an only child. I have never really had a good relationship with his parents as I feel that they are suffocating and put too much pressure on him. I am a teacher so I feel that I cannot get involved with my boyfriends Dad until we know answers. I was supportive with my boyfriends mum at first, but since she has taken her husband back and they have just bought a new home together. They are waiting for the sale to go through.

My boyfriends mother went into hospital with a blood clot and I did not go to see her as her husband was by her bedside. My boyfriend has told her the position I am in yet she is always asking him why I’m not coming to see her.

I went to my boyfriends house the other day whilst the Dad wasn’t there and the whole family gave me the cold shoulder. They were really cold and asked no questions about my life. I can’t help but think that they are annoyed at me because I can’t accept what’s happening. Everytime I think about it I feel sick.

My boyfriends Dad is being really brazen. He is back in his own home, next door to his 20 year old victim. My boyfriends family asked to see our new home yesterday, so my boyfriend had to go to let them in as I couldn’t be with the Dad. I feel like I’m being forced out of my own home.

I understand that my boyfriend is in a difficult position, but I can’t help but feel angered and upset by this. What he may of done goes against every good bone in my body.

I have invited his Mum and the rest of the family over on Boxing Day this year to make plans early. I have had no response from the Mum and have said to my boyfriend that I don’t want to invite the Dad yet until we know answers.

This is ripping my relationship apart but I feel so anxious about it. To me, my boyfriends Dad could be a cold, evil monster. But I understand that to my boyfriend, that always will be his father.

It’s causing so much strain on my mental health that I am close to wanting to sell up the house already. I have told my boyfriend how I feel about his family and the way they have always been unkind to me but he doesn’t see it. What can I do to save my relationship?

This might not be helpful to hear but if it is just one photo then it’s unlikely that the Dad will face jail. That being said you are going to have to face a future of either having to put up with seeing this man or, alternatively, spending years excluding yourself/being excluded from your boyfriend’s family. I don’t think that’s sustainable, so either your give or you go.

Wait and see whether or not your partner's dad is found guilty of both charges.

In the meantime, minimal contact.

If he's not found guilty what will you do?
The courts aren't always right. If he isn't convicted, would you be willing for your future child to be around this man? That's what would be expected of you, a not guilty verdict will mean in your boyfriends family that he's definitely completely innocent and the victim of false allegations.
Personally I wouldn't be able to take that risk. It may make me seem very harsh, but I wouldn't be able to trust someone with those allegations around them, especially around a child.
If that means the relationship ending, better now, before children then later.

I think I’d relationship too. If you have children in the future how could you ever trust him around them.
I know innocent until proven guilty but I couldn’t take that chance.

@randomfriday what do you mean you can see what's happened?
I would be dubious. You are in such a tricky position but I do think innocent until proven guilty. I am no Internet expert by any means, but if you opened a link from a selling site would that be enough to trigger an investigation?

@BumbleBeee69 sorry- I should clarify that I sent a text to all family members (other than the Dad) and said to my boyfriend that he may verbally invite his Dad but him coming would be depending on the outcome of the investigation. I sent a text round to all family members (including my family) as my family had already started to make plans for Christmas and I wanted to secure them for Boxing Day, so thought it only fair to invite his family. I don’t expect them to come, but I didn’t want his mum to complain that their side of the family wasn’t invited.

@ballsdeep there was a policewoman prosecuted for possessing a child abuse video a friend had sent her because she didn’t report it www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/uk-news/2019/feb/20/female-scotland-yard-officer-charged-over-child-abuse-image

@ballsdeep

He has been caught/traced (however you want to word it) downloading indecent images and I suggest this is the excuse he has made to "allow" for such images to be on his device(s) in order to explain and distance himself from any offence.

So your bf's dad is being investigated for sex crimes and you think the priority should be "securing" boxing day. Right.

So they came into his house and seized his computer and then found other evidence.

I mean, that would take any officer hours of searching through his computer.

And they went into his home? I mean it must be much worse than you say, because in the real world, houses don’t get raided like this.

End it .

I would .

Oh I’d get out of that do yourself a favour. You don’t need that in your life.... it would be in your life forever and if you are considering children all of the anxiety surrounding that would be a stressful life.
Walk away it’s not giid

good

Sorry you're going through this OP. Do not mind your BFs family feic them. You do right by you.

@randomfriday

Thank you for clarifying. I understand it better now. X

This is really hard. But you need to stick to your principals.

My understanding is that it's common for family members to rally around someone accused of a crime like this, because (as someone else said above) facing the truth is too difficult.

You can sympathize with his wife and other relatives. When you see them, keep calmly being sympathetic: stuff like 'This must be so hard for you.' But still sticking to your principal that you don't want to meet or talk to this man anymore.

This must be so, so hard for your boyfriend. You can take the same tack with him: sympathize with the fact that he is probably really confused and upset; but still remind him that spending time with his dad would be really upsetting to you too. You're just not going to do it.

Your bf probably needs your support right now. The two of you at the beginning of building your own little family unit together. You can decide together how to react and support each other, and take a break from your parents/extended families for a while.

Op, you need to speak to whomever your supervisor is.

If the police came to him and seized his equipment. Them this isn't one erroneous click on a link sent my someone. That's what he's telling you all. There is a very high likely hood he's a high user of child sex abuse images and he's been caught in one of their investigations.

This has the potential to be very serious indeed.

Your partner's reaction I think is normal, as is the families, they don't want to believe it, because facing the reality your father, husband, whatever is a paedophile is horrific.

The taking rhe pic of the twenty year old is nothing in comparison to the child abuse Images.

And for the record, there is no such thing as child pornography. It is sexual abuse of children he is being investigated for watching.

And they went into his home? I mean it must be much worse than you say, because in the real world, houses don’t get raided like this.

Effectively they find the source, then they track who the users are, and then arrest the users, at this stage, they go after the heavy (ie multiple repeated downloads) or deliberate users ( ie you need to put your credit card in and it's clear what you're buying) .

Police aren't interested in someone who clicks once on a link and then shuts it down fast, that's not something that can be guaranteed a conviction.

If they have turned up at his house, then they will have seen his computer is being used to access these Torrents Or sites for the images.

They are not raiding his home and seizing his equipment for one erroneous click and the pic of the neighbour is a red herring. The child sex abuse images is a huge deal. And the father is clearly under playing it.

The issue is if it goes to court, the media will be all over it, if convicted he will need to sign the sex offenders register. The families lives will never be the same again.

But he's not denying taking the photo of the 20 yo neighbour through her window?

That's not the kind of person I'd want to be associated with.

Alert your safeguarding team and obtain their guidance as what this means to you as a teacher.

Use that guidance to set the limit of your contact with your boyfriend’s father.

Accept that this will likely cause issues with your boyfriend’s family. Accept their point of view too that this is their father/husband and that they will almost certainly expect others to adhere to innocent until proven guilty.

Find something else to do on Boxing Day. Based on your current “business as usual except you” approach it will not go well.

Where is it op in the investigation? It's unlikely this will be done by Boxing Day.

Me neither Sandy but clearly they’re choosing to gloss that one over.

As Bluntness says, the child abuse will be almost impossible to exonerate and the shit will be everywhere. But how many times do we read about families excusing, downplaying or accusing the victims in these scenarios.

Where were you & your BF living together before you bought the house? Please tell me it wasn't at his parents house. If it was, or if you stayed over there some nights, one of my first thoughts would be had the father taken photos of me that I wasn't aware of? You were 18 when you started seeing DP so certainly an age he would prey on given the ndn is 20.
Undoubtedly it's extremely difficult for your DP but this is one of those issues that no-one can fence sit on. It isn't acceptable to say yes, child sex abuse is really & always wrong, except when it's my dad in the spotlight for it. As an only child he'd have been much easier to condition into accepting as normal whatever he was exposed to. If he can't at least try to look dispassionately at the situation & understand what is or could be going on then I'd recommend leaving him.

I doubt very much that the police would investigate for a single image, there are possibly records showing multiple downloads which is where he came to be investigated and of course he has minimised it.

I'm wondering what was in the photo of the 20 year old? Was she in the street or was it through a window?

I wouldn't be giving him the benefit of the doubt.

I doubt very much that the police would investigate for a single image

They don't raid for a simple one off click and a quick shut down. It solid be far too easy to say it was an error. And you'd have to give the person the benefit of the doubt if it had never occurred before or after.

Police don't raid your home for that. Thr neighbour thing is creepy, but largely irrelevant.

The child sex abuse images is the major major issue here. And if he said he only ever clicked on one link erroneously he's lying.