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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this how relationships really are?

77 replies

Ihavemyfaults · 04/08/2019 06:50

I sometimes think I imagine it.

I'm a male poster though to be honest I feel so emasculated.

Married over 20 years. Great 3 children.

Dw is ordained and tbh seems to spend all time at church (it's her job she says) and when home, goes on front of computer doing emails and the like. Meals are eaten in front of computer (I do all cooking) and when not working, she has sole control of TV (so it's itv be which I hate) or the like.

Sex was shut down by her years ago with the last time being sept 2017 by way of pity.

Is exceptionally good at job others say and yes, she does do a good job for others.

She is financially way better off than I am. Uses that to remind me she pays for holidays and the like.

I'm no Saint and though I do imo fair share (all cooking, all ironing, majority of vacuuming and like) I do sit on admin like stuff.

I'm regularly shouted at and mocked for fact I rarely smile (very self conscious of teeth which, through not perfect are better than they were) and can seem grumpy.

Women want someone who provides money she says and are not interested in sex in itself. It's just about procreation she says and it's used by women to get what they want ie designer stuff (of which she has huge amounts, self bought)

What is it like to be in an actual relationship with someone where its unconditional and you don't worry about something causing dw to go nuclear and shout? It can be something as little as computer not working and I get called at work and told to sort out.

I know this isn't normal but do I have an unreasonable view of what a relationship is? I always imagined it would involve someone who's best friend and with whom you want to do things and you can always be you. I'm constantly having to check myself in terms of what I say and the like.
The celibacy she's imposed kills me.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 04/08/2019 06:55

She sounds controlling at best and abusive at worst.
No this is not how a relationship should be.

MrsMozartMkII · 04/08/2019 06:56

Relationships are meant to be kind and fun. Supportive. Interesting. Exciting. Comfortable.

It's not meant to be walking on eggshells and worry.

dudsville · 04/08/2019 06:57

You're in a bad spot. Are you dependent on her? Is there ain't room for counselling?

I thought it wad writing that she criticizes you for bir smiling knowing you are sensitive about your teeth. That sense her other behaviours sound unsettling, belittling, perhaps barely covered anger. I'm not terrified but I wouldn't want her for a vicar, let alone a partner. I'm sorry.

thelonggame · 04/08/2019 06:59

No, that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.
How do you feel having written that down, are there any redeeming factors?
If the celibacy is a deal breaker isn't it time for you to leave, you really don't sound happy, and although there is no 'normal' marriage yours doesn't sound at all good, whats in it for you?
Do you have people in real life that you can talk to?

SmallestViolin · 04/08/2019 07:01

Women want someone who provides money she says and are not interested in sex in itself

I'd take (good) sex over money any day Blush

It's not how relationships are supposed to be, no.

I always imagined it would involve someone who's best friend and with whom you want to do things and you can always be you. I'm constantly having to check myself in terms of what I say and the like.

That's how I imagine a good relationship to be too.

Pipandmum · 04/08/2019 07:03

Nope but you flip the sexes of your marriage (other than the sex, though plenty of women love it and want it as much as men) and that is what alot of women complain about - emotionally absent partners who are bullies.
A good relationship should be one of mutual respect, teamwork, kindness and affection (love and physical). Sounds like you need to reassess if you want to be in this marriage and if you can both take steps to improve it.

Sexnotgender · 04/08/2019 07:06

I’m also married to a member of the clergy. It’s a difficult job that can be all consuming at times.

However he has never, and would never treat me in the manner your wife is treating you.

ConfusedNoMore · 04/08/2019 07:07

I think you should leave. I don't say that lightly but this is abuse.

Leave. Get some counselling to help process it all and live a happier life without you her.

Sounds simple. I know it isn't but I'm 5 years out of abusive marriage and God life is so much better!

Original poster
Ihavemyfaults · 04/08/2019 07:10

I'm far less financially secure than she is.

I'm so used to this now I don't think I've the guts to go.

We thought of counselling but it's not happened. I couldn't be wholly frank in her presence as 20+ years of stuff would come out.

And there would be plenty to come out. Like when she was in a rage about not conceiving and driving me to a police station as I'd not taken the vitamins she was convinced aided conception and threatening to go and say (tell lies) that I was abusive to our then only child.

She didn't do that. But it's sort of stayed on my mind.

OP posts:
glitterbiscuits · 04/08/2019 07:11

I'm of the opinion that your husband or wife should be your best friend and the one person you would rather be than anyone else on the planet. Otherwise what the point?
And I say that as someone who has been married for over 20 years.

Life is too short to put up with what you have,

ConfusedNoMore · 04/08/2019 07:12

Don't go to counselling with her.

Go on your own. Get stronger. Find a way to leave and be happy. Sounds intolerable. Flowers

Sexnotgender · 04/08/2019 07:14

Go to counselling on your own. Where there is abuse it’s never recommended to go together.

She sounds awful.

FortheloveofJames · 04/08/2019 07:17

This doesn’t sound like a mutual, happy or loving relationship. You owe it to yourself to be happy. If you can’t be open and honest with you wife and the problems you have then counselling won’t work.

It can be incredibly hard to break free after such a long time together but it can be done, honestly, do you want to feel like this for the rest of your life?

kidsmakesomuchwashing · 04/08/2019 07:19

She doesn't sound very Christian!

Strongtoday · 04/08/2019 07:22

This isnt good. Yes, clergy jobs are all consuming but that isnt an excuse to be horrible abusive to your partner.

I dont think your relationship works, you're not on the same page on a number of issues.

Some women use sex for money, but some of us do enjoy it. I couldnt be less interested in handbags, good shag anyday Hmm

I hope you can find the strength to leave.

cantfindname · 04/08/2019 07:49

She might be ordained but she sure as heck isn't a bible-believing Christian!!

It sounds like you have a deeply unhappy marriage and I feel sorry for you. My partner and I didn't prioritise sex, largely due to my health, but there was a lot of affection and cuddles to make up for it, and when we dtd it was memorable for all the right reasons!

I appreciate it would be extremely hard for you to leave, especially as you have three children; but ask yourself what they are learning from this relationship? Do you own your house or is it tied to her job?

It sounds like she is married to her job more than she is to you.

Try to find the strength to leave her, we all deserve some happiness in life and you aren't getting it.

Ellie586 · 04/08/2019 07:54

Honestly i wonder about this too. I seperated from my husband last year. Have been thinking about dating thought i undertood what makes a good relationship. Respect trust intimacy communication and a really good friendship. Then realised that a lot of people are in relationships as the op described. That on the surface people seem happy and in good solid relationships look a bit deeper and not so much. Not sure what im saying really other than i'd rather stay single than be like that.

MrsTeaspoon · 04/08/2019 07:55

I’m sorry lovely, this is NOT how relationships have to be.
My DH is my best friend. We are skint, and happy regardless. I couldn’t give a monkeys about designer stuff, never have even when I earnt plenty. We have a lovely intimate relationship, less than before children but still mutually very satisfying. We have never, ever, felt the need to shout or belittle each other.
My exH was a deeply unpleasant man, I understand how scary it can seem to leave what you know - but please believe this is not how it has to be! Could you maybe start small, baby steps of setting out your needs calmly, and take it from there?
(Personally, I think you’ve been trodden down by a domineering and unpleasant person who hides hypocritically behind a ‘Christian’ personna and I hope you find the strength to leave. My exH hid behind his PhD and suits and limp handshakes...nobody believed what he was like behind closed doors but that didn’t matter — I knew, and I deserved more.) You deserve more.

StreetwiseHercules · 04/08/2019 07:59

You’ve posted quite a few threads along these lines and it’s clearly a cry for help.

The only help you can receive here is advice.

You need to leave. You need to instigate a divorce.

As for money, you will be entitled to half of her earning and assets. Block her, leave the whole thing to lawyers and do not speak to her again.

How old are your kids?

madcatladyforever · 04/08/2019 08:08

It appears that she has no respect for you. I would think she feels you are not what she thinks a man should be.
I think you just need to ask her if she really wants this relationship to continue.

Original poster
Ihavemyfaults · 04/08/2019 08:13

sexnotgender
It's the way she can turn the holier than thou on to the outside world that gets me. The congregation think she is flawless. I'm seen, she tells me, as miserable and not interested in people and she tells me I say the wrong thing to church people.

She devotes all time to church. It's demanding but she is more married to church than me. Or that's how it feels.

Didn't have much before being ordained but less so now!

OP posts:
gettingtherequickly · 04/08/2019 08:13

Please leave her, she is slowly destroying you.
I am married to a wonderful man, who helps around the house, cooks and cleans. He has recently given up work altogether because I earn a decent wage.
I would never, ever treat him the way you are being treated, he is my partner, my best friend and my equal. Who earns the money is not relevant.

BobbyBrewstersMagicTorch · 04/08/2019 08:18

I feel so sad for you OP. Not much to offer in way of advice, but remember, you only have one life. Don't live the rest of it in misery.

AloneLonelyLoner · 04/08/2019 08:21

This is heartbreaking OP. Life is short. It's a wee moment in time and we should spend that with someone who makes us warm inside, comfortable and happy and when arguments happen, hugs you and says sorry and always accepts your apology. A good relationship should be a feeling of never being alone in the world.

You deserve more and better. You deserve to be loved. 20 years is long enough to throw at someone who sounds like they have NPD.

Please leave.

Shoxfordian · 04/08/2019 08:22

You sound so unhappy
Make some steps towards leaving her if you can

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