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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this how relationships really are?

77 replies

Ihavemyfaults · 04/08/2019 06:50

I sometimes think I imagine it.

I'm a male poster though to be honest I feel so emasculated.

Married over 20 years. Great 3 children.

Dw is ordained and tbh seems to spend all time at church (it's her job she says) and when home, goes on front of computer doing emails and the like. Meals are eaten in front of computer (I do all cooking) and when not working, she has sole control of TV (so it's itv be which I hate) or the like.

Sex was shut down by her years ago with the last time being sept 2017 by way of pity.

Is exceptionally good at job others say and yes, she does do a good job for others.

She is financially way better off than I am. Uses that to remind me she pays for holidays and the like.

I'm no Saint and though I do imo fair share (all cooking, all ironing, majority of vacuuming and like) I do sit on admin like stuff.

I'm regularly shouted at and mocked for fact I rarely smile (very self conscious of teeth which, through not perfect are better than they were) and can seem grumpy.

Women want someone who provides money she says and are not interested in sex in itself. It's just about procreation she says and it's used by women to get what they want ie designer stuff (of which she has huge amounts, self bought)

What is it like to be in an actual relationship with someone where its unconditional and you don't worry about something causing dw to go nuclear and shout? It can be something as little as computer not working and I get called at work and told to sort out.

I know this isn't normal but do I have an unreasonable view of what a relationship is? I always imagined it would involve someone who's best friend and with whom you want to do things and you can always be you. I'm constantly having to check myself in terms of what I say and the like.
The celibacy she's imposed kills me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavemyfaults · 04/08/2019 11:26

kidsmakesomuchwashing

I work full time as well as doing all the stuff I do. That's why I feel so annoyed at times when she tells me I do nothing!

OP posts:
Mythreefavouritethings · 04/08/2019 11:40

This sounds miserable and not unlike a prison sentence. Could you talk to someone? What is keeping you in this relationship? That is an important question. Your post is very sad, I hope you have some real life support.

Mythreefavouritethings · 04/08/2019 11:43

Sorry, just seen your last post. You could really do with some more positive and supportive people in your life. How long can this continue, it isn’t a life, it’s marking time. We are a long time gone at the end of this life, is this what you want to look back on on your final day? Not wanting to be morbid, just saying every day like this is another one stolen. There’s so much more than this.

kidsmakesomuchwashing · 04/08/2019 11:50

Omg you work as well! I read it from what you were saying that you didn't - sorry my apologies for assuming! Yes you definitely need to leave that's so wrong how she's treating you!

kidsmakesomuchwashing · 04/08/2019 11:53

Why don't you take yourself off for a couple of weeks travelling - it might help her to realise how much you do. It might also give you some breathing space to reflect.

Snog · 04/08/2019 12:10

It's really unhealthy and undesirable to be in a relationship where your partner mocks you.

This is bound to affect your self esteem and mental health. Your partner should respect and cherish you and NEVER mock you.

Original poster
Ihavemyfaults · 04/08/2019 13:00

What keeps me is fear of what would happen if, after 20+ years, I went. I am afraid financially more than anything and though a lawyer, don't think I've the fight in me to fight.

She doesn't see what she has made of me. I've failed to make a like for myself age says - she has plenty of people who she speaks with and friends she goes out with.

I've become accustomed to the existence I have. I don't like it and would love a proper wife but it's difficult to go. Her bullying (and is at that when it's at its worst) is my constant as it were and I've grown to know that bark is worse than bite.

I'm always, always wondering if what I've said has offended as she has told me time and again I offend people. My approach now in situations is to switch off and just agree even if I've an opinion - no one wants to know what I think she says and if I do speak age says, I make it all about me. So I try to keep quiet which in turn leads to being told I don't make effort to talk!

I exist in a strange world.

OP posts:
Wormentrude · 04/08/2019 13:09

She sounds foul.

In my experience, people like this tell you you offend other people as a way to stop you from talking to them - you lose your social confidence and it cuts you off from other relationships. I'd bet a month's wages that no-one has said any such thing to her.

Snog · 04/08/2019 13:34

It's hard to leave because You are codependent, probably due to your own childhood experiences. I would recommend that you have counselling as an individual to help you move on with your life. Life on the other side of this relationship will be a whole lot better.

Gregoire · 04/08/2019 13:41

Yanbu - that isn't what a relationship should be like, and her behaviour is actually abusive imo.

She shouldn't belittle you, and she should want to share time and company with you.

It honestly doesn't sound like this is ever going to be right for you, and in your shoes I would leave. You deserve better.

lawnmowingsucks · 04/08/2019 14:16

I'm so used to this now I don't think I've the guts to go.

Well you can't stay and allow your DCs to believe this is how relationships work. You just can't do that to them

Snog · 04/08/2019 14:56

I agree that your dc will end up in similar relationships if this is what you model for them

ravenmum · 04/08/2019 15:20

It's how some relationships are. But not good relationships, obviously.

Sounds like she is making you unhappy and then berating you for being unhappy. Does she do this in front of the kids? The atmosphere must be so unpleasant for them, too. Your 13-year-old still has years and years of this to put up with, poor child. Have the older ones already moved out?

Would you have the cash for private counselling or would you go for NHS? (On your own, as the others say.) How's your mental health doing? I'm wondering if you might be finding it hard to take action due to a poor mental condition. When you're really down it can be impossible to imagine things ever getting better. Or can you imagine that?

MMmomDD · 04/08/2019 15:20

@Ihavemyfaults

You have been on here before with a very similar post under a different name - about a clergy wife and wanting designer stuff for sex.
What’s the point of coming again with the same question to get same answers.

If any of this is real - get up and do something.
If this is a fake - come up with another story?

kidsmakesomuchwashing · 04/08/2019 15:26

Why don't you show her this thread so she can see the responses?

Thatagain · 04/08/2019 15:37

Isn't the main fact of Christianity LOVE! It sounds that you are not loving yourself. Try and love yourself more she may see it and want the love you have to offer. She may have issues with her health which could play havoc on a Woman's sex drive ie menopause ECT although she is most definitely wrong about sex is just for producing children. Like what would she say about a barron woman haveing sex would she condem her? I could write more but I wouldn't bore you. You should remind your wife that we all live in sin. As Jesus said those without sin cast the first stone and no stones was cast. I have hope that with truth and knowledge you could sort it out. Love always

ravenmum · 04/08/2019 15:38

But to think I'd find someone else now (I've just turned 50 and am on real denial about it) is just silly. I'm nothing to look at and am useless bedroom wise.
Btw, I've just turned 50 and am nothing much to look at, and I find this comment rather offensive ... the idea that anyone is past finding a new partner at our age is totally ridiculous. And I don't know what "useless" means, but how do you know what you'd be like in bed with a partner you like?

Peakypolly · 04/08/2019 15:56

I as a Christian would give my body to my man of 19 years whenever he wants as it's his more than mine and this works the other way of course, if you follow the Bible’s instructions.

Original poster
Ihavemyfaults · 04/08/2019 15:57

It's not fake and yes, I've been here before.

So point taken. I'll not post any more.

OP posts:
user1499288566 · 04/08/2019 15:59

What do you guys think about partner working away and leaving you to handle house and child

ravenmum · 04/08/2019 16:00

I must say I never really get the point of telling people they shouldn't post the same question twice. Maybe they want to rephrase the question, maybe they just want to ask some other people and see what new advice they get, maybe they just want to talk about it again, but with the new thoughts they have today. It's not like the forum is going to get clogged up or something.

ravenmum · 04/08/2019 16:03

@user1499288566 Look up the top of the page and click on "Start new thread in this topic" - or click on "Talk ->> Relationships" and have a look round.

MaeveDidIt · 04/08/2019 16:07

You need to get your confidence back.
She is a bully and her constant put you downs are shredding your confidence.
These so called religious people can be the biggest hypocrits in shoe leather.
Get your teeth done, get some counselling and leave her - she sounds disgusting.

MMmomDD · 04/08/2019 16:11

Ravenmom

Sure - if the poster comes and says - I have posted about this before - and this has happened; or i tried that... - etc
But pretending to be a new poster, with same EXACT post - and getting people to say exactly same things seems strange at best. And disingenuous at worst.

ravenmum · 04/08/2019 16:13

Well, if they're doing it to see if they get a different response, then getting the same response again will teach'em Grin Goes to show how consistent the advice here is - not a bad thing.

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