Is this how relationships really are?

[Ihavemyfaults]

I sometimes think I imagine it.

I'm a male poster though to be honest I feel so emasculated.

Married over 20 years. Great 3 children.

Dw is ordained and tbh seems to spend all time at church (it's her job she says) and when home, goes on front of computer doing emails and the like. Meals are eaten in front of computer (I do all cooking) and when not working, she has sole control of TV (so it's itv be which I hate) or the like.

Sex was shut down by her years ago with the last time being sept 2017 by way of pity.

Is exceptionally good at job others say and yes, she does do a good job for others.

She is financially way better off than I am. Uses that to remind me she pays for holidays and the like.

I'm no Saint and though I do imo fair share (all cooking, all ironing, majority of vacuuming and like) I do sit on admin like stuff.

I'm regularly shouted at and mocked for fact I rarely smile (very self conscious of teeth which, through not perfect are better than they were) and can seem grumpy.

Women want someone who provides money she says and are not interested in sex in itself. It's just about procreation she says and it's used by women to get what they want ie designer stuff (of which she has huge amounts, self bought)

What is it like to be in an actual relationship with someone where its unconditional and you don't worry about something causing dw to go nuclear and shout? It can be something as little as computer not working and I get called at work and told to sort out.

I know this isn't normal but do I have an unreasonable view of what a relationship is? I always imagined it would involve someone who's best friend and with whom you want to do things and you can always be you. I'm constantly having to check myself in terms of what I say and the like.
The celibacy she's imposed kills me.

I’ve seen your posts on other threads and my advice would be to start saving whatever money you can spare to get yourself out of that position where you feel financially insecure.

She isn’t being fair to you. She will exchange sex for gifts but the majority of people want to be intimate with their loved one because they both want closeness and intimacy, not another handbag.

You need to make steps to leave. I know it’s scary but she sounds absolutely dreadful. Had she not been clergy she’d have hidden behind some other mask.

Abusers will hide behind anything respectable and hope nobody suspects them.

She sounds a complete hypocrite

I know this isn't normal but do I have an unreasonable view of what a relationship is? I always imagined it would involve someone who's best friend and with whom you want to do things and you can always be you

Yes, that's what a good relationship is like for most people, OP.

I'm so used to this now I don't think I've the guts to go

Look, OP, I used to feel exactly like this. Just didn't have the guts to go, thought everyone would talk about me because he was so well liked by everyone else. Then I finally plucked up the courage to go . I lived in one room, in the basement of a work friend's house, for a year before I got my own place. And it was the happiest I've been for years. It IS possible to leave and make your own life - I did it. You deserve much better OP.

Hi OP.

Just wanted to confirm that plenty of women like sex and aren’t interested in money.

Me and my partner are always skint. But we are best friends, we never shout or belittle each other and we have a lovely intimate life too.

I think it sounds like you are both unhappy. She manifests her unhappiness by abusing you. She doesn’t show any care or love towards you. This isn’t really a relationship is it? Just two people living under the same roof wishing they weren’t.

This isn't how it should be...any of it but especially the sex.
You can't change someone else.
You can work on your self, accept yourself and all your faults, make peace with your teeth and smile :D she can come along for the ride or she can stay as she is. Either way you'll be happier and less reliant on her mood swings. You can change your actions and reactions, which will alter the dynamics. Hopefully you can move forwards together.

Its the expectation we're sold by society/marketing that sets many of us up for unrealistic expectations/roles.Ive never been happier since chosing to live alone.Your life sounds truly miserable..what the hell is the point?

Hi OP, she sounds horrific and a self absorbed bully. What is she like with the kids? How is all this affecting them?

Definitely don’t opt for joint counseling as it’s an abusive relationship. I would absolutely advise to go for counseling for yourself though and make sure it’s with someone you click with ( you can request to see different counselor if first one isn’t a good fit - you’re in control here!). Get yourself stronger again and in a better place. You’ve a lot of years left and you don’t want to spend them feeling like this and it’s not good for ur children either.

I really hope you have real life support - family and friends you can open up to. Believe me, not everyone thinks your wife is a great as you think they do!!!

For yourself, is there an opportunity for you to get some dental work done? There are so many options these days and it would be so worth while to visit a recommended dentist. There maybe simple solutions available and that alone would boost your confidence so much.

What's your thoughts on partners working away mon to fri ,while you left running everything and looking after a child. I'm so unhappy been on my own forever ,never really felt in a relationship. If I bring stuff up the tone changes, he gets moody. He wants us all to move from where we are to this house his dad has given him, but it means moving away from all my help and support, changing little ones school etc , she is happy where she is. My daughter was born with mild cyerbal palsy ,she has everything set up here, people who she has got to know medically. Plus if I move he will still be away and I will be fully alone, but I know some would say it's good opportunity, but I see it as making my life harder and more lonely then I already am

OP, your post has made me sad for you.

No-one deserves a life like you are describing. She sounds like a right bitch.

I agree with PP, gimme a good shag over a handbag any day!

You do realise you two are modelling future relationship patterns to your children, don't you?

You, and they deserve so much better!

I hope you find the inner strength to choose your own happiness.
Start with a good counsellor (on your own).

thelonggame

Don't really have real world friends hence posting here.
Kids are 21,19 and 13. They are all brilliant with two at university.
When she's not yelling at me, I'm left to own devices as such. I come upstairs, faff around on social media or read or Netflix.

I know I should go. I just haven't the courage to. I'd (literally) love a normal woman as I love women and much prefer their company. But to think I'd find someone else now (I've just turned 50 and am on real denial about it) is just silly. I'm nothing to look at and am useless bedroom wise.
It's reassuring to hear there are normal people out there but I just cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to have a normal relationship.

Some friends know what I put up with. One on particular does know but I don't see him that much. My parents know but don't come across (they're not too far) as given she's ordained, she says people can only come to house if she is not busy - home is where she works so cannot be disturbed when busy. Which I get but I just no longer suggest my parents come anywhere near (and she doesn't like them anyway)

Sunday is when I get reflective. Those perhaps with more normal relationships have perhaps had breakfast together and may knock around together. Yes I know Sunday is day she works but I've made her breakfast, served it to her whilst she checks church emails, done dishwasher, put a washing load on and am now going to clean the house - she's 2 services and a wedding so isn't back till 1530.

It's not healthy in my view to spend so much time there but what do I know?

I'll get to read, perhaps watch something and then cook later.

I know it's no life but it's what I've grown used to. You can criticise me but I've stayed for kids and not having courage to go.

No, this is not how a relationship should be. Ur wife has very little respect for u. Yes, her job may be pretty high pressured but that is no excuse for treating u like a maid and an outlet for her frustration. She has lost all interest in sex, which is one issue. Some people do go off sex, some have underlying reasons some dont. If she wont talk to u or someone else about it then u cant force it. What she can do is stop with the bullying and abuse. Women want a man that can provide money? Great, let her go and find one! How horrible! My OH is my best friend. He is the one I turn to when I need comfort/help/advice. He is the one I want to see at the end of each day and when he works away I feel lost. He is literally my best friend, the one person I couldn't imagine spending my life without and he tells me he feels the same. I have however had the abusive relationships, the confidence breakers and the ones who made me feel so small and insignificant. It is an awful place to be, and u need to decide if in this one life u get u want to spend every day feeling the way u do rite now. Being alone is hard at first, but it does get better and u will realise u are worth more! So much more than how u are living now!

Your wife is a controlling and abusive person, she's spent years chipping away at your self esteem and confidence. I understand that you stayed for the children but two are adults and the youngest a teenager, they will be aware of how your wife treats you.

Do you own your home or is it tied to her parish? You would benefit from individual counselling, consider contacting www.mensadviceline.org.uk www.refuge.org.uk www.respect.uk.net or similar

Your wife is using her position to control you.

Yes she works from home but church manses are usually sufficiently large to not make that an issue if you have people over. My husband has a study and we have 2 sitting rooms. If he’s either working or has guests then I can go elsewhere.

It’s all just excuses and reasons to bully you.

I'm gonna be a bit (a lot?) controversial here but a lot of the vicars I know are controlling at best, narcissistic at worst. That's what leads them to that job - so they can basically play at being god. And the congregation always think they're sweetness and light while the spouse and family cop it behind closed doors.

You really need to leave her, I'm sorry. She has no respect for you and doesn't even seem to like you . It's a miserable way to live your (one!) life.

But to think I'd find someone else now (I've just turned 50 and am on real denial about it) is just silly

Believe me, the over 50s dating pool is chock a block with lovely women and far fewer decent men!
In any case, being on your own would be preferable to the miserable life you describe. Gather your courage and end the relationship.

Definitely not too old to find someone you actually would enjoy spending your life with!

Goodness sake. You could have another 50 years left. You really want to spend it being long term sad when a short term stress could give you a new life?

As for not being much to look at... Get yourself some confidence, get some laughter in your life, learn to love yourself. Very attractive qualities!

I'm gonna be a bit (a lot?) controversial here but a lot of the vicars I know are controlling at best, narcissistic at worst.

I know a lot too and there’s definitely an element of that in some, it’s a hugely powerful job.
Others are the nicest, most selfless people you could ever meet.

Believe me, the over 50s dating pool is chock a block with lovely women and far fewer decent men!
I was going to say the same thing.

You know that saying, get your ducks in a row? That's what you need to do. You need to play to leave.

It sounds as though she's supremely uninterested in you, so I suspect you could make plans, and do things without her giving a damn, actually. So have a think about what you'd like to do. Would you like to retrain? Do a correspondence course? Start your own business? Usually being ordained she would have a residence provided. Is this the case? Do you have a property elsewhere? (I know some priests purchase a property and rent it out while they are living in residence.)

Work out all the financials, after this long together, you are entitled to half the assets, in particular, if she gets a pension through her work, you could be entitled to a greater share of your assets in lieu of that pension.

Women want someone who provides money she says and are not interested in sex in itself.

In a few hours time I'm off over to the man I'm seeing's house. Our main activity today will be shagging ...We are using contraception and we are both skint at the moment, so it's neither for babies nor money. The last date we had was in a coffee shop (I paid). I enjoy his company and I enjoy sex with him just for the sake of sex and intimacy.

If we are still together in 20 years there will probably be less sex, but I would hope there was still some, and that I still enjoyed his company. If he or I spoke to one another the way she speaks to you it would be abusive, and I would leave.

Some relationships go sexless over time. Sometimes that's ok with both partners, sometimes it's not.

Working in the church is often an entire lifestyle, so I understand.

It's not an excuse to be an abusive partner.
What an abuser tells you the wider community thinks of you should be taken with a massive pinch of salt.

Why don't you get a job so you can use your time to do something that's of value to you. You may make some friends and get invited to join some groups / hobbies etc

Or do some charity / voluntary work.
My mum does loads since she retired and she's made amazing friends, joined loads of social events and is helping others at the same time. Your wife being a vicar couldn't possibly object to you doing some voluntary work!

She is no Christian. Any person who has read the bible knows when you get married you give your bodies to eachother with or without the conception. She has emotionally abused you. I am a Christian I do not believe in the building of the church. I believe that my sprit is the church and my body is the temple. I as a Christian would give my body to my man of 19 years whenever he wants as it's his more than mine I just live in it. Do not believe in the system of marriage. As when you have sex with someone by the eyes of jesus you have gave your body over and are married (just my opinion ) from a female Christian point of view you are being mugged off. If I was you do some bible studying and you will gain some strength and find out the truth. Man was created first by God as it says in the bible.

I know I should go. I just can't bring myself yet to do it. When she's OK with me, I can tolerate it but when she's not, it's horrid.

The worst thing is how she mocks what she says is my tone of voice and my expression (I rarely smile and seem unhappy to most at times)

I am trying to justify how she is not all bad. She has a great deal of bad and it comes out toward me. Never anyone at the church at whose beck and call she is at.

Had to smile (so thank you) to the post saying today's activity would be mainly shagging. She insisted on no sex before marriage and I had to abide. Really annoyed me at the time but there you go. Ultimately her view of sex is that it's just for reproduction only. She says that she'd happily never do it again for rest of life.

I know I need to put up or shut up. I've no one else to really talk to hence posting.