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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he wont marry me because im overweight

114 replies

unloved · 19/09/2004 13:19

me and my dp have been together for 6 years and have one child,
he says he love me (but not for my looks) but he wont marry me bacause im so overweight i really dont no what to say to him how can i love somone who is ashasmed of me

OP posts:
JoolsToo · 19/09/2004 20:47

why don't you say ' you know what - you're right - you don't want to marry me cos I'm overweight and I don't want to marry you cos you're a moron - what a lucky escape I've had!'

Chinchilla · 19/09/2004 20:59

Unloved - I am where you are, although I am already married. My dh has made it obvous that he doesn't fancy me anymore, because I need to lose 3.5 stones. He likes slim women, and feels that, if I loved him, I would stay slim to make him happy. I also eat because I am unhappy, and unhappy because I eat. It is a vicious circle.

Twat? Maybe...untactful yes. Thoughtless and unkind, yes. He can't help having his opinion, but he should never make you feel bad about yourself. Mine does, and sometimes I hate him for it, and fantasise about being without him. I also think that once I am slim, I will not want to go near him, because I want to be wanted for me, not for a size 8/10 body. The way he is repels my mind.

HOWEVER...I am not happy the size I am either. You sound unhappy about your weight too, not just because of him. You need to feel good about yourself, so why don't you try to lose some weight, for yourself.

Chinchilla · 19/09/2004 20:59

Oops...'tactless' DOH!

JoolsToo · 19/09/2004 21:01

Unloved and Chincilla - are you married to two gorgeous hunks of men with washboard stomachs?

Janos · 19/09/2004 21:57

I've just finished reading through this thread and my blood is boiling!!!

Unloved, think about it this way. If you're so fat and unattractive (according to your dp) why is he still with you? Cos he feels sorry for you? Yeah, right. No-one has a relationship and a child with someone because they 'feel sorry' for them. he has no right to talk to you, the mother of his child, that way. It's cruel and disrespectful.

If (and only if) you do want to lose weight then joining a club like slimming world or ww is the best way to go about it, not some awful starvation diet.

Actually I can think of an easy way to lose some weight...dump the @rsehole .

Unloved, sorry if that sounds like a rant. I just feel v angry on your behalf.

lilibet · 19/09/2004 21:57

Oh dear, I have been there. My ex h told me about 5 years ago 'I will not have sex with you again unless you do something to make yourself more attractive.'!!!!!!!

I am 5'5" have had three children and at the time weighed about 9 1/2 stone and although am no Catherine Zeta Jones, I'm not bad!

It really is a horrid thing to hear.

It can really break your confidence when the person whom you love comes out with hurtful comments like that, and confidence is a very fragile thing. Mine was shattered and it has taken ages to get back. Even now when I am with dp who thinks I am gorgeous (and I'm a lot heavier now!) fancies me to bits (and we have great sex and lots of it ) my confidence isn't what it was.

If you lose the weight and then something happens to you, lets say a car accident that leaves you disfigured, what would your dp do if he is so obsessed with your appearance?

Comments like this are a way of control, if you lose the weight, I suspect, although I don't know, that there would be another way of excersising control over you. I know that there was with me. I am not suggesting that you split up, leave him or do anything drastic like that, but I think that a few sessions at Relate may help you and him find out what the real issues are behind comments like this.

Good luck and loads of hugs

Janos · 19/09/2004 22:02

Unloved, would you mind if I asked how tall you are and how much you weigh? Don't answer if you don't want to.

However as I've asked I will at least be polite enough to tell you mine. I'm currently 7 months pregnant, pre-pregnancy I weighed about 11st 4lb. I am 5 ft 2inches tall.

Twinkie · 20/09/2004 10:49

What a complete shallow tosser - I would boot him out to be honest!!

This was a subject on Trisha whilst we were on holiday and DP's take on it was - if he loved her he would never dream of saying something so horrid and hurtful to her!!

I would not change my physical appearance to get married if he doesn;t want to marry the person that you are you will lose wieght and then spend the rest fo your life terrified of putting it on again for fear of what he will do!!

I fear that this too is not the only way he treats you horribly - he is using this as a way of controlling you - does he say other hurtful things or withold affection if you do something he doesn;t like - if so it is all part of controlling behaviour!!

CountessDracula · 20/09/2004 10:56

Could I just ask, do you want to marry him? (and if so, why!)

Honestly, he does come across as a self obsessed, shallow person.

If I were you I would go and lose the weight for yourself, then bin him and find someone nicer.

slug · 20/09/2004 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Twinkie · 20/09/2004 14:41

ROFL

KateandtheGirls · 20/09/2004 14:59

Very funny Slug!

alicatsg · 20/09/2004 15:01

unloved - if you want to go to slimming world or whatever,go, get yourself a group of friends and take your fabulous lovely self (what ever shape you are) out there and meet some normal folk who don't think that steroids are smarties.

what kind of example is this setting your child? he's just manipulating you to keep you "in your place" - question is, is that the place you want to be?

for what its worth dh was 12st when we met and is now 15st. all the more for me to love, even though he'd be healthier and look better without. Its his decision, my job is to support him so he can decide for himself as far as I see it.

KateandtheGirls · 20/09/2004 15:05

Good point alicatsg. I don't think you said how old your daughter is unloved, but she is bound to pick up on this sooner or later, and you'll end up with a teenage anorexic. Would he make comments to her like he's making to you if she happened to be a little bit overweight? If so, what kind of father is he? If not, why is it OK to say to you and not her?

Fizog · 20/09/2004 15:10

Why do you want to stay with him?

If you are who I think you are then I really don't know why you put up with him....

Twinkie · 20/09/2004 15:12

If you are who I think you are what are you doing still with him after what has gone on lately, I thought you were starting to be wtrong and single and get your life together before lettin him come back in and bring you down again!!

Tortington · 20/09/2004 17:28

what a tw*t! show some cleavage go out one night and show him hes not the only man in the world to shag.

alicatsg · 20/09/2004 17:31

I'm back cos I'm seething about this. Bet you don't feel able to criticise him in this way - nor the need to. He must me massively insecure to behave like a bitchy 14year old girl....

mummytosteven · 22/09/2004 20:34

hello unloved. i think i am thinking the same thoughts as twinkie (but maybe I am just barking up the wrong tree). I agree with other posters that your DP sounds controlling - I imagine that when you were slim he would complain about what you wore/your behaviour towards other men - did this happen?. Also wouldn't be surprised if he combined complaints about how unattractive you are with accusations that you are knocking off the milkman etc. if dh put on a lot of weight, i wouldn't behave like this to him, and don't think that he would behave like this to me. If you are unhappy with being overweight, then there is never any harm in eating healthily, cutting out junk food etc. But it has to be for you, not for him. If you have a lovely personality (and if you are who I suspect you are, you certainly seem to) and have pride in yourself, men will find you attractive, even if you are carrying a few extra stone. Appearing outgoing, confident and friendly can get you a hell of a long way, as can dressing smartly. at the moment dp seems to be holding the power - but you have to stop letting him do this - the issue is do you want to marry someone who treats you with such little respect. It maybe that dp causes you so much stress that you overeat - and if you got rid of him you would find it easier to shift the weight anyway. I think you also need to look at why you are overeating - whether it is a bad habit and/or whether you are trying to fill a hole in your life/deal with stress, and then look at other things to do instead - kick boxing/yoga/meditation/reading/posting on MN etc

best of luck

Original poster
unloved · 22/09/2004 21:02

ok yes it me how did you no,
he said he was going to get divorsed then marry me i will post longer later im just ging to tescos for milk xxxxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 23/09/2004 08:22

morning. also am very cross at your dp since the timing of this seems to be no coincidence. just when things are really starting to come together for you and you are feeling happier it seems like he just wants to bring you down and put you in your place. he's bad news. you need a real man who is proud of you and wants the best for you, not someone who puts you down and wants you under his thumb

fio2 · 23/09/2004 08:53

I am going to be very very blunt

Get rid of him!!!! He doesnt love you. You now have the oppurtunity to make something of yourself and make a better future for you and your dd on your own. Dont let him back. I know you love him but you cant carry on letting him treat you like this, especially after what you have gone through just lately. he seems selfish and insensitive. If he had of got married I very much doubt he would have divorced, he is just saying this to make his life easier.

You really have got alot going for you now. get on with your college course, build your own self esteem without relying on him for anything. You can do this. Be strong and be yourself

motherinferior · 23/09/2004 09:10

I'm afraid I'll only be convinced when I see the divorce papers. And the marriage licence. Sorry - he's messed you around too much to date for me to believe it all now!

Bibiboo · 23/09/2004 12:01

Sorry unloved, haven't read the whole thread, but assume most of the posts on here go along the lines of...
"WHAT?!?!?!?" followed by an rant about how awful that is. If he won't marry you and love you for how you are, then don't give him the pleasure of your company or attention. Get rid. I know I'm a bit of a wimp when it comes to other things (as other mners will know!) but I can honestly say I wouldn't stay with a man who could say hurtful things like that to me. Hope you get this sorted {{{hugs}}}

x

Twinkie · 23/09/2004 12:46

He isn;t going to get divorced if he did get married is he - that is huge step to take and he won;t even go against his parents when it comes to seeing DD or paying for her - you really think he is going to divorce his new wife and marry you.

He is now getting edgy and saying things like this because he can see you coming to life and blosoming and having a life of your own - where he is not in control.

Please Honey sort yourself out and then when you are happier, healthier, stronger deal with him - I am sure you will finally see what a shit he is and that you deserve better.