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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he wont marry me because im overweight

114 replies

unloved · 19/09/2004 13:19

me and my dp have been together for 6 years and have one child,
he says he love me (but not for my looks) but he wont marry me bacause im so overweight i really dont no what to say to him how can i love somone who is ashasmed of me

OP posts:
cuppy · 19/09/2004 14:11

Yes Unloved I would still love my dh if he put on weight , because I love him and the person that he is. He wont change just cos hes put on weight - just his looks would. Whether or not I would still fancy him is a differnt matter. But if I wanted him to lose weight I certainely wouldnt do it by telling him hes fat - that would just make him feel bad. And I love him so I wouldnt want to make him feel bad would I ? Do you see?

Chandra · 19/09/2004 14:13

YEs unloved, I continue to love him even when he has put so much weight and lost so much hair! You love the person inside not the cointainer... sure sometimes I would like him to be able to go out wearing the same type of socks but that's not what is important.

hmb · 19/09/2004 14:16

Unloved, yes I would still love dh if he put on 5 stone.

Marrage is a meeting of minds, not just loving the shell a mind is in.

Life can throw all sorts of shit at people. Being married means that you try your best to ride them out together. I have gone through 2 wars with dh in the RAF, cancer, miscarrage, infertility and now he has leukemia.

I wouldn't give a damn if he turned into a blimp, sprayed his genitals daygo pink and started dressing in drag. I love him! Not what he looks like. Life is too flaming short to deal with this sort of trivial shit. Tell him to grow up.

Original poster
unloved · 19/09/2004 14:18

thak you everyone , hmb sorry to hear ur bad news about ur dp xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx sorry u have had it so hard

OP posts:
hmb · 19/09/2004 14:19

at the moment he has no symptoms, long may it last.

KateandtheGirls · 19/09/2004 14:34

hmb, I hope he continues being healthy.

Unloved, can I ask why you guys didn't get married years ago when you were thin?

motherinferior · 19/09/2004 14:43

Unloved, I think he's making excuses IN ADDITION to being an @rse.

Lose some by all means - though not, please, by starving yourself for two days that's bloody bonkers - but don't tell him. Do it for you.

competitionwinningCOD · 19/09/2004 14:44

good point Kate
my point is it he realtion ship ok othersiwe?

I sould not fancy dh if he got really fat - I owuld love him but I wouldnt be as proud of him as ai am whenhe looks great
shallow - thats me

beansmum · 19/09/2004 14:46

unloved, he sounds like a complete prat, why would you want to marry him anyway?

Original poster
unloved · 19/09/2004 14:46

i dont no why we dint get married brfore as for the rest of our relationship its quite good

OP posts:
KateandtheGirls · 19/09/2004 14:47

How can you not know why you didn't get married? Isn't it your relationship?

Original poster
unloved · 19/09/2004 14:48

we were young and didnt have dd and we didnt think about it then plus no money and no where proper to live x

OP posts:
moomina · 19/09/2004 14:50

There's no reason why they should have got married before - maybe it just didn't come up until now.

wobblyknicks · 19/09/2004 14:54

Tell him you won't marry him anyway because he's a twat so there!

hercules · 19/09/2004 14:58

Perhaps he thinks you are a happier person when slimmer. Perhaps he thinks that by saying this it will encourage you and he sees it as a positive thing for you.

Either that or he's a twat!

competitionwinningCOD · 19/09/2004 14:58

I thinkt hres more to it han just weight

KateandtheGirls · 19/09/2004 16:11

Moomina, I didn't mean to suggest that they "should" have got married. I've got nothing against people not marrying. It just seems strange that they've been together for 6 years, had a daughter together, but only just started thinking about marriage.

I was wondering if she really wants to get married and he doesn't so is using this as an excuse. Does that make sense?

competitionwinningCOD · 19/09/2004 16:15

do you know what K I always wonder that - I know oloads of people who have had 2 plus kids and have never got around to it!

moomina · 19/09/2004 16:24

Well, I agree, Kate, that it certainly sounds as if he just doesn't want to get married and is using this weight thing as an excuse.

But some people do it all 'the other way around' IYSWIM - as unloved says 'we were young and didnt have dd and we didn't think about it' - I don't think that's particularly strange

monkeygirl · 19/09/2004 17:47

Completely agree with most people's comments - he is a t**t, not only for refusing to marry you for not losing weight but for his other 'comments' - 'nobody will want you' - ffs. Sorry but that is someone who is trying to belittle you for whatever reason and that ain't ever going to make for a happy relationship. I have put on several stone since having kids but my dh has never insulted me (well not to my face!), made snidey comments and still loves and wants to be with me.

WideWebWitch · 19/09/2004 19:17

Agree with everyone, lose weight if you want to, but only if YOU want to. He is using this as an excuse, think you should tell him you won't marry him until he learns tact and kindness.

MUMINAMILLION · 19/09/2004 19:19

I think you should think yourself lucky that you havent already married him! What an unfeeling prat!! (Him, not you)

Thunderbird1 · 19/09/2004 19:23

A feeble excuse - he should love you for who you are, not your dress size.

Miaou · 19/09/2004 20:13

Unloved, if you did lose weight and he did agree to get married, wouldn't you spend the rest of your life terrified that if you put on the weight again he would leave you? Is that a good start to a married life?

PS my dh put on 5 stone and lost a lot of hair, and a front tooth - he is now bald, fat and ugly(!) but I still love him to bits because of the person he is inside.

808state · 19/09/2004 20:43

Unloved,

Abuse and control go hand in hand. He is being both abusive and controlling (by saying no-one else would want you). This gets you to stay.

You may love him but what is there to love exactly?.

What are you getting out of this relationship (apart from his snide comments that is?)