Husband left me..

[Gempeatea]

So my husband of 20 years told me at the begining of the year he didn't love me and that the marriage was over... Swore there was no one else but stated dating someone he had know since Sept within about 1 month of leaving. He kep dating nothing happened before we split but I just don't believe this or understand how you can walk away from a marriage into another relationship. We have 2 children 5 and 2...juat can't believe he's given all this up. I'm in a good place now after counselling and crying for what felt like ever and know I will move forward more but I just want Has anyone else been through this. Or is it just me... That total bewillderment...

My friend had similar happen last year. She was absolutely shocked to the core. It was awful They'd been together for 20 years too and had two teenage children.

As soon as the youngest hit 18, he upped and left. no warning really....just didn't come home from work and told her on the phone that he'd got a flat.

About a month later he was with a new woman and moved in with her within 4 months.

It's incredibly weird how men can do that.

I think it's as though some men have the ability to compartmentalise their life.

When one compartment doesn't make them happy any more, they just shut it up and don't go there any more.

Is he being a good Dad still?

I knew someone who did this
Seemed really happy-together 30 years 3 kids
Got up for work/school etc
Wife and kids came home to a note on the kitchen table saying he’d moved out and wanted a divorce
The wife never got over it

Im sorry you are going through this but Ive been there. Was married 14 yrs (together since 18) when he told me he was in love with someone else. I didnt see it coming, though we had had a few pressures over the last 2 years. Felt my world collapsed, like a rug from under my feet. We had no kids (we were doing ivf). I was bewildered, shocked, couldnt eat. He was really horrible to me as well so i felt like the man i married had gone and i grieved.

However i got over it, it took time, i had great friends, a great boss and im glad it happened it was the making of me! It didnt last for him and the OW. Ive moved on and live with my DP and our DS.

You will get over it. Take it slowly you will have shit days and bad days and ok days and then good days. Keep busy. Do things that make you feel good. Be kind to yourself xx

And make sure you protect yourself financially and re your home and he pays what he needs to. Dont trust him to do the right thing as he may not. Get solicitors advice on where you stand

It just amazing isn't it how this happens and how often I would have never thought in a million years he would leave we've always talked everything through no matter how difficult it may be. Last year was difficult he worked away alot (avoiding coming home so I found out), I worked 3 days a week in a very stressful job, running a home, looking after the children. Etc etc and like I said to him he threw it all back in my face. He also at the begining places alot if the blame with me....thay I was always moody and he was always walking on egg shells... Although he never once asked me why or hugged me... You see I put alot of it all down to work stress on his behalf. He lost weight as he didn't want to be fat and 40 and is was so peund of him. He did it to feel more postuve but when that didn't work he began to think he didn't feel the same, but again didn't talk to me.... And this make me feel so betrayed, parent of 20 years mother to his children trying to hold a family together all the while he was or had checked out.

Yes he is a good dad... I mean that sticks because he also left his kids. We do get on still even talk about his new partner although he knows y thoughts about them getting together. Financially I'm. Sorting that out... I'm am. In a stronger place but to think you've loved someone so. Much only to be told they haven't loved you for years is a kick in the teeth.... Although it does explain last year and how I was feeling as well.

Sorry about the long message.... Easy to wrote than talk sometimes x

That’s tough.

I don’t think Women spot the signs either. My DH left me and said he hadn’t been happy for 8 years beforehand (basically all the time since our DD was born. He said I had become dull, let myself go and was happy just sitting watching TV. He was probably right with hindsight but I thought
He was happy too. He clearly wasn’t.

Men love to be at the centre of attention . They need to feel valued . This is the most common reason in all the marriage breaks up i know of . It's all hunky dory when kiddies are little and it's new and fun but as the kiddies age and become more demanding in many ways the H feels "left out " . Add to that they are ageing themselves . Yes this all sounds "little wife 1950s " style . I firmly believe that too many women spend too much time over their children at the expense of maintaining their relationship with their H . This is what men seek when they stray - the feeling of being wanted . Do they make their wives feel wanted ? Well that is another story . I do believe that men compartmentalise and they move on easily . I don't mean to say that any of the above applies to you OP. This is purely my experience.

I'm sorry OP. And to all the others whose 'd'p just walked out. It's the cowardly way to do things and reeks of a person who takes zero responsibility in life. Yes you may be bored. Yes you may be unhappy. Yes you may feel like you only have one life etc but none if that is an excuse for dumping shit on your family. Leaving your dp and the dc to deal with the fall out when you swan off into a new life is just straight up shit. There are ways of doing things and this isn't the way to do things. You compete things in a mature and compassionate wT. You don't just give a two fingers and walk away leaving others to deal with the fallout.

So should a mother neglect the needs of her children to pay more attention to her husband? Shouldn't they both focus on meeting the children's needs when they're little? Any man who thinks like that is extremely selfish

worriedandannoyed that's not what I am saying ..I think it is natural to focus on children but sometimes I just think the balance gets skewed . I am not criticising anyone - all I am saying is this has been the reason in all of the divorces I know .

So sorry this has happened, OP, but I wouldn't buy the convenience of your EX just dating this woman a month after he left either. I'd bet my bottom dollar that he and this new woman colluded to make it look like they innocently and respectfully got together after you split. It's done this way so they don't look like the cheats they are. I'd have more respect (just about!) for a person who was honest and said "sorry, I've met someone else" rather than go through second guessing and lies...which is what I went though.

As I've always said, a lot of men need another branch to swing to before leaving an unhappy (in their eyes) relationship rather than being honest and respectful. In my case my Ex (of nearly 10 yrs) and his OW decided to 'come out' as a couple at their work place 2 months after I left, but most of the staff didn't buy it at all (I have a friend who works with them). People aren't stupid, but cheaters like to think they are.

Going forward, keep in mind that they started their relationship on rocky foundations and it will affect them at some point, no matter how much they kid themselves that they are 'innocent'. Also, it is very positive that you've had your counselling and your crying...now think about yourself, what you want to do with your life, think about the caveats of future relationships, but spend time discovering yourself and creating a positive future for you and your children. x

Unfortunately a lot of men I feel (and some women too) like the idea of happy families and all that but arent so keen on the actual nitty gritty when it comes to the daily grind mainly because they do like to be the centre of attention and don’t like the fact that it requires compromise and the fact that their wants/needs don’t always come first, that’s why we have a ton of 38 year old man kids

I think the reason for all the man kids that I know of are mothers who baby them and wrap them in cotton wool and don't want to let them go. My ex mother in law brought up her sons to think they are the most important people and that as long as they are happy that's all that matters. Both have failed marriages as a result of it. Men are only selfish like this because of the way they have been brought up

It's not just men - I've known a few women do it too, albeit probably not as many.

I think sometimes we may be a little unfair on the men who leave. I'm on on the other side, where I've tried and tried and tried to tell my OH that I'm unhappy, that I'd like to do more things together rather than sit and watch TV and listen to him grumble (we don't live together and share no children, so he 'visits') that I want some affection that isn't groin related... but he simply isn't listening. He's happy, so he assumes that I am happy and all my words are just me going 'blahblahblahboringdayblah'.

I am sure when we eventually split, it will be a 'bolt from the blue' for him. He thinks we're happy, doesn't want to hear otherwise, and maybe this is sometimes the case for men?

OTOH I've also been dumped without warning by a man who told me he loved me and everything was peachy, so...just playing devil's advocate here.

Zap with all due respect, you can't really compare leaving a non-live-in boyfriend with no kids together to someone walking out on their family after 20 years of marriage.

My husband left after 13 years this year. It was a mutual situation sort of because his behaviour forced me into it and I’ve just found out he’s seeing someone. I wasn’t expecting to feel as devastated as I do because he really was awful, can’t put my finger on it.
I know how you feel it’s so hard. I’m trying to just take each day as it comes. Some days/weeks I’m ok others I’m really not.
It does all feel very unfair as this wasn’t how I pictured my life.
Generally it’s ok but the best advice I can give is to take it one day at a time and not focus on the future or the what ifs too much.
I do enjoy life more now, I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. I get more free time now and make sure I go out with friends/family and keep busy. Try and keep busy and start doing things you enjoy for yourself

Every single man I know who left his marriage and kids, did so for another woman. I’m sure there are some who leave because “ they have fallen out of love” or “ they need some space” but I’ve never heard of it in real life on here on MN.

Every single one of them turns out, just like your ex, to have conveniently met someone within days or weeks.

It’s not just you. And it’s not just any of these poor woman, it’s these selfish bastards with their sense of entitlement.

HennyPennyHorror - no, I suppose you're right. But we've been 'together' for over eight years, involved in one another's lives, families, etc.

I just wanted to illustrate how he's really not listening to me being unhappy, because he doesn't want to hear it. And, like I said, my XH left me without really trying to discuss our relationship (apart from expecting me to solve all his problems), so I can see both sides. A bit.

Together 11 years and a year married, he came home after our first wedding anniversary in July 2018 and told me he didn’t love me anymore .. and that was that. 3 weeks later was dating someone he met at a wedding I was supposed to go with him but was too much of a broken mess.. they’re still together. I filed for divorce and I can’t believe I am saying this but over a year later and I am happier than I have ever been.. genuinely thought my life was over x

Same thing happened to me, 10 years together, married, young child and he walked out with no warning claiming he didn't love me any more. There had literally been no discussion, no warning, no signs at all beforehand. It was very traumatic for me because of that and took a long time to come to terms with. I found out on MN that it happens over and over again, and yes, there is usually OW behind it all.

In my case he had become friendly with someone and all of a sudden her needs became more important than mine. She was all he talked about, thought about, and they were in constant contact. Of course they denied it all, but they are now married.

You will get through it and you will hopefully meet someone else if you want to , and live a happy life. It seems like life is over and will never be the same again, but life does go on and you will make a new one.

@bobsyourauntie exact same thing happened to me, no warning.. we sat and ate dinner together and had just returned from a wonderful holiday where he spent the entire time persuading me to come off the pill so we could start a family.. 10 days later he left and claimed he hadn’t loved me for 6 months!

It's awful isn't it and I am sorry that it happened to you to and to you OP. All sorts of shite was quoted at me as to why he had to go, and of course everything was my fault and my list of flaws was endless, and the most petty things too. He couldn't even just go, he had to completely destroy me in the process. He of course was perfect.

I had no support like you OP, blamed for this and that, when of course a lot of the behaviour stems from confusion at their behaviour and sudden change in attitude.

One month he was buying me lovely gifts to express his love, and slagging off the neighbour for leaving her H and breaking up the family, he could never do that to his child.... then the next month he was texting OW, the next month he was leaving the horrible wife who was so mean to him who he hadn't loved for oh such a long time!!......

One day you look back and laugh at the ludicrousy of it all, but for some of us it took/takes a while to get to that point.....

@TheStuffedPenguin
Has absolutely nailed it.
If there was a manual for marriage I I'd put their post in the prologue.

And it's not just young children.
Problem adult children can cause as much problems.

Of cause you need to nurture your children but equally you need to nurture your husband.
And nurture yourself.

It's a balance.
As is life.

Op you will get through this.
Work on yourself, build yourself up.
Be kind ti yourself.
This too will pass.