Husband left me..

[Gempeatea]

So my husband of 20 years told me at the begining of the year he didn't love me and that the marriage was over... Swore there was no one else but stated dating someone he had know since Sept within about 1 month of leaving. He kep dating nothing happened before we split but I just don't believe this or understand how you can walk away from a marriage into another relationship. We have 2 children 5 and 2...juat can't believe he's given all this up. I'm in a good place now after counselling and crying for what felt like ever and know I will move forward more but I just want Has anyone else been through this. Or is it just me... That total bewillderment...

Yes my ex said the same that he hadn't felt the same way for a while.... Maybe a year but he never said... We always had a very open and honest relationship... Even the difficult conversation we had them but he never said anything to me about being unhappy.... And that makes me so sad that he couldn't talk to me about this. And that's what eats me up.

He refused counselling.... Probably because he had made his decision but a decision made on his own. I'm now left bereft, guilt ridden and feeling like I am just existing. I've lost best friend, then man I loved more than anything through the good times and the difficult times... Just left me as if the last 20 years meant nothing.

It's an horrible feeling to have... Being unwanted, unlovable cast to the side like rubbish and to have him replace you within weeks....

Does anyone else ever think : why do men not ever think this way? I’m sure they don’t!

curiousmum but that is not right out of the blue though is it? If you are having marriage counselling and no sex, then it is clear to both parties that something is wrong with the relationship? In my case I was in a loving relationship, sex several times a week, doting father, yet all of a sudden changes overnight, becomes distant and walks out.

As with gempeatea counselling was refused as "there was no point". A decision made on his his own, leaving behind a grief struck traumatised partner with DC to look after, a mortgage to pay, no regular income after he encouraged me to leave my career of 20 years.....

Gempeatea you will get there in your own time. We are all different in how we deal with things. It took me a very long time due to the sudden shock of it all, but I got there. My DD is now starting secondary school and I have a successful business and employ somebody else too. In the meantime XH has gone bankrupt again, lost his business, remarried and had another child and hardly ever sees DC. (All my fault of course )

Of course 😂

I must admit my ex was and still is a doting dad, a good husband although our sex life had dwindled since the birth of our second child... My part in this was my sex drive was inu boots, I felt awful about my body and I was knackered team that with him being away. Although we never ignored the issue ever, we spoke honestly about it and I felt both recognised it was an issue and that we would get back into the swing of it as we did after our first child. We did manage to do that around Christmas and both realised how much we missed it but by then well Jan he was on his way to leaving.

It good to hear that life moves on.... I do get cross because at the moment I feel a bit numb and worry about the affect my LO however I expect they don't notice it as much as I do x

Also he was always very respectful of my issue with sex at the time.. I never felt pressured and I was grateful because I know it is a big deal for men... I think that's why his sudden exit was all the more shocking... Although again if he had checked out then maybe it was no longer important

@Gempeatea your story sounds very similar to mine!

I expect there are common threads in most relationships which break down xx it's just sad that some of us are isolated from knowing what's going on in our husbands head. My hubby would always say he made me unhappy.... I was prone to breaking down a lot last year.... But this was due to demands of life and not feeling supported.. Which I would tell him... And yes sometimes he made me sad and vice versa... But having a young family is tough but rewarding I loved family life and having him to share all this with made me happy.... It overshadowed the tough times... For me anyway....but obs wasn't enough for him.

Don't they sacrifice alot..... I could never imagine allowing it to get to point where I felt my only choice was to "remove myself for the situation".. His words....

I'll also tell you what's weird. He has come over today and when he's here it's like he never left. He comes to do bath and beds.... We chat like we use to, he'll sit on the floor with the kids... And begin to fall asleep...

Is this right... Or is this bizarre... It make me think maybe were more like friends than husband and wife... Or is it a sign I'm slowly moving on...???????

The only difference is he doesn't hug me when he comes in... Something I've put in place... Boundaries and all that.

I just want to remind you again that whatever you would have done it would have ended the same. I’d focus on that. No more focussing on the what, ifs etc… You did what you thought was right in that moment of time, regardless of how it all turned out. Most of the time you probably had good reasons to behave that way; in your mind (it’s impossible to be aware of all relevant factors and perceptions at the time). Also for me it’s a given that in a relationship you can always assume that your actions are interpreted in a positive light/benefiting you both.

You can’t keep beating yourself up about it, nothing you’ve written here is inexcusable bad behaviour. It’s been some time now; I’d honestly start doing something fun. I went to Japan for three weeks; wouldn’t recommend that with young children so something else you might enjoy. I still see my ex from time to time, don’t know if that’s wise tbh – I feel nothing, not angry with her or anything; sure I still care for her in a way but only because we had lots of fun in the past and I’m not going to pretend that all those moments were imagined. Only you can assess if it’s helpful in your situation to keep seeing him. For me it does occasionally create problems with people around me.

Thank you your post makes total sense.... I'm at risk of being here in a years time and I don't think that's going to be healthy x

I think that all marriages go through difficult times. After a baby is born, work problems, family illness , elderly relatives. That’s life. A mature person know this and tried to support their partner and make it work.

A decent and honourable person talks to their partner and tries to resolve the issues ( get help, go for counselling , change their own reactions etc ). Like @Curiousmum69

A bad and selfish person decides avoid the issue and shag someone else.

Most of us got married and promised that would do the first and not the second. If he had wanted the kind of causal thing where you just walk away, HE SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT UPFRONT.

But he didn’t, did he? He Wanted you to be committed to making it work and Being in for the long term while he got to bail out as soon as he thought he had a better option.

OP you DIDNT cause your marriage to end because you had health problems after you gave birth to HIS CHILD. That’s just his excuse. If it wasn’t that it would have been “ work stress” or “mid life crisis” or his gran dying or hearing that his best friend from primary school had died in a car crash.

OP you really REALLY need to read the chump lady website.

Yes.. X I believe there would have been another reason... I do wonder if he would still be here if he hadn't had another option.

It's such a shame because it's such a loss... I know he doesn't feel the same but it's just a shame he didn't give us a chance... 20 years of memories.... Good memories for me but maybe not so much for him... So sad.

Ah well... My time will come and when it does I will be in a stronger place... X

Well hes finally admitted theres a OW I am destroyed beyond belief hes lied and lied for the last 8 weeks I just dont no what to do with myself x

I’m sorry to hear that Becky. You might be better to start your own thread to get support as people won’t see it here on Gempeateas thread.

Defo start your own thread. I'm so sorry to hear this Becky. Sending you lots of love.... Its does get better.. Slowly but surely. Xxx

How do I start my own thread xx

Mine dropped the bombshell a week after valentines and my birthday

No, I didn’t see it coming
He also got very nasty and we had the divorce from hell
We were grandparents twice over ffs

He lost more than he ever gained. Financially and emotionally. His relatwith his daughter never healed and they were estranged again when he died.
He had three grandchildren he never had a relationship with
What a loser
The ow who he had to marry, was ten years younger than me...and he didn’t hit it off with her son....who he had to pay to put through school.