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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left me..

117 replies

Gempeatea · 25/07/2019 22:13

So my husband of 20 years told me at the begining of the year he didn't love me and that the marriage was over... Swore there was no one else but stated dating someone he had know since Sept within about 1 month of leaving. He kep dating nothing happened before we split but I just don't believe this or understand how you can walk away from a marriage into another relationship. We have 2 children 5 and 2...juat can't believe he's given all this up. I'm in a good place now after counselling and crying for what felt like ever and know I will move forward more but I just want Has anyone else been through this. Or is it just me... That total bewillderment...

OP posts:
Simonfromharlow · 29/07/2019 23:14

I'm in the same situation. It blows my mind the way everyone's story is the same

Original poster
Gempeatea · 30/07/2019 08:34

It's very mind blowing and bewildering. You just muddle along sometimes, and yes it can be tough but you get through it because you've got your wingman or women... However unknown to you they've checked out and when they leave you left bling yourself for every argument, pulling yourself to peices.... All the should haves and could haves... But then you also remember it wouldn't have mattered they had checked out ages ago. In my case I was replaced... Totally sucks... The man I married would have been horrified... But he's also the man who left...

OP posts:
Bobbie3 · 30/07/2019 08:51

What would you rather have?

A tense household living in separate rooms knowing that there will be a conversation when one says that they want to leave and then a load of tears as housing etc. is sorted out; or

A clean and sudden break.

There is no right answer. But underlying this each party may have subconsciously checked out years ago.

Simonfromharlow · 30/07/2019 10:08

The man I married would have been horrified... But he's also the man who left...

Exactly this

Original poster
Gempeatea · 30/07/2019 16:21

What would you rather have?

A tense household living in separate rooms knowing that there will be a conversation when one says that they want to leave and then a load of tears as housing etc. is sorted out; or

A clean and sudden break.

There is no right answer. But underlying this each party may have subconsciously checked out years ago.

I'm sorry but this has made me so very cross.... What I would rather in the man I've been with for 20 years to be honest with me sooner... To at least give us a chance rather than making the desion on his own and ripping my family a part only to want to replace it with anew one.... What I deserved is respect, honestly and an chance to talk it through... Okay the result okay have been the same... But at least it would have been discussed. And no... I certainly didn't check out... Don't make assumptions

OP posts:
Becky2190 · 30/07/2019 18:24

@Gempeatea totally agree with this. We deserve at least a discussion especially after marriage and children . But for some reason I didnt even deserve that. Juat somthing was missing in his life and he isnt happy doing anything he isnt even seeing his freinds. I am done feeling sorry for him !!

Molteni · 30/07/2019 21:43

I have to say I don’t think there’s something fundamentally wrong with leaving/ending a relationship without an explicit warning, there probably were a few that you hadn’t picked up at the time.

I’ve been where you were, though only a 5 year relationship so less serious than your situation. In retrospect I think she did me a favour by doing it this way, since it’s infinitely better than the purgatory that is uncertainty/drama. Bottom line is you probably couldn’t have changed the outcome. When there’s doubt it’s probably best to end it imo. Came home stuff gone and she left a three page letter detailing the why- some reasons valid others not (usually it’s 50-50 why relationships break down). Admittedly very much a shock; I couldn’t eat or sleep for some time.

That said I strongly dislike cheating and people who do (whatever the reasons), but it doesn't help you to try and make sense of the time-line of him meeting his new girlfriend.

Original poster
Gempeatea · 30/07/2019 22:17

Yes in hindsight there were some signs... Him working away more, losing weight both of which he had valid reasons for we had more arguments but we talked about these and they were usually put down to one of us being tired or stressed or as he says now... Detached.on his part. I felt like last year I was trying to hold my family together as he worked away so much so kinda put it down to this

I must admit I do now feel less stressed.. Which is wierd less tense so I suspect there was something underlying but I alwaya thought it was me and I didn't have any physical evidence to the contrary at the time but now it does make sense.

I'm. Just sad that he had felt different for months maybe years before he left... I wish he had just said something but he choose not to and maybe I was to involved in family life work etc to notice but I truly did everything for my family which of course he was a part of but for him maybe he felt I neglected him which I didn't do on purpose just life gets busy with kids, husband work home etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Gempeatea · 30/07/2019 22:38

But yes I don't think it would have change the outcome really.... But who knows xx now it's about moving forward and trying to stop myself thinking about what could have been done differently but it's really difficult

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Startoftheyear2019 · 30/07/2019 23:26

This is a great thread. Thanks @Gempeatea for sharing your thoughts. I feel a huge connection to you and the others who were blindsided. It's crazy to think how similar our stories are. Women (and men) separated by miles, money, careers and backgrounds all experiencing the same things in their relationships. And responding wisely and as best they can.
It means a lot to me when I read other people's stories as it helps me understand my own experience better. Things like being blamed for everything and then finding out there's an OW. I am so grateful to Mumsnet for creating a forum where I can talk to people who actually understand what I've been through and who can share good advice. KOKO

Original poster
Gempeatea · 31/07/2019 00:59

Xxxxx good I'm glad it's been helpful.

I'm still really in the throws of my emotions all over the place... The should haves and would have l love to whip myself with these. The anger of him just leaving and being blindsided. Bewildered the fact I found out she the OW had left her husband in January and the minute my ex is back in the area(he moved away for a few weeks) he's having coffee with her because "they are going through the same thing"... This lead to dating a family holiday, a play date with my kids and introducing her to my mother in law with whom I have a very good relationship with.

Sometimes in my more selfish moods I think... WTAF....i was dealing with alot last year and the year before so 2017 we moved house, 2 weeks later I had my son, my daughter then started school 4 months after... So I had gone from having her home as I didn't send her to nursery much while I was off... To not seeing her, dealing with her starting school getting all upset, having a baby who wouldn't sleep and would con me for a few nights then throw in a curve ball... Who just wouldn't wean... Argh the stress.... I was so anxious about his weaning I wouldn't let anyone else look after him... And the poof I'm back at work all still sleep deprived, and my job requires alotb of emotional energy, dropping my little people off at 7.45 in the morning picking them up at 6, home bed baths, tea, sort out lunches and tea for the next day.. If hubby was away I wouldmt sit down until. 9pm and it all stated again at 6am. If he was home it was a relief but he would also feel my wrath sometimes - he would always be away on the days I worked a good 3 stone over my usual weight and feeling like a bloody mess.

There are things I would do differently but there are things I would ask him to do differently as well... And I did but it fell. On deaf ears.... I would get... Oh you were like this when... This and that happened... So it always came back on me... I would joke with him and say "bloody hell the four horsemen of the apocalypse would turn up and you would blame it on me for leaving the fridge door open"

OP posts:
Original poster
Gempeatea · 31/07/2019 01:01

The date and family holiday play date (which I didn't know about until after... He had made plans with her and I offered for him to have the kids so he took them. Along with her and another couple) wanting to introduce the kids and mother in law.. All within about 7 weeks.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Gempeatea · 31/07/2019 01:06

One last thing...... I'm. Also grieving for my loss of role as daughter in law. My in laws where and still are amazing... I was so close to my mother in law... Like a second mum and the same. With my father in law so it's not just that I've lost the man I loved I've lost aspects of my role within the family.

OP posts:
Simonfromharlow · 31/07/2019 07:38

@Gempeatea I'm sorry you're missing your in-laws!

I feel exactly the same. I loved my in-laws and like my own family and am devastated that they won't be such a huge part of my life anymore.

M0RVEN · 31/07/2019 09:26

@Gempeatea that good that your in-laws are still in touch and supporting you. This is actually very rare - most cut contact immediately. Which is of course extremely hurtful to DIL who have worked hard to keep up the relationship for all these years .

I’m always reminded of this when I see on threads “ Dh insists that I take the kids to see his mother once a week as that’s how much I see my mum “ or “ I have to treat them both equally “. The women spend years doing this and the PIL drop them like a hot stone the day their precious son walks out.

Much respect to your ILs for doing the honourable thing and rising above their son’s poor behaviour.

Original poster
Gempeatea · 31/07/2019 09:52

Yes luckily I can be very honest with my MIL and I've told her how much I'm grieving for her as a loss.. Some of her views are a bit difficult as in she wants to meet up more and see the kids which is fine... Thst she feels in time we can go and do the things we use too.. The other is that she left my Ex dad so is bound to see it from this Veiw rather than the one being left.... However that aside we have agreed to start a new relationship minus her son.... 8 knows going to be tough I'm nearly in tears writing this but time is a good healer and we both want the same thing... X

OP posts:
Original poster
Gempeatea · 31/07/2019 09:57

I'm. Meeting her today for the first time since my ex left so will let you all know x

I'm just focusing on the postuve affect it will have on my kids rather than the hurt her son has caused. My parents on the other hand.... Now that's a whole other story... 😂 😂

OP posts:
Becky2190 · 31/07/2019 10:09

Regarding my exh family his family have been in full support of me nothing has changed in their eyes they have said and its time for some tough love for him (their words) I've started no contact only on day 3 but plan to stick to it !

Original poster
Gempeatea · 31/07/2019 10:17

That's sounds good..... At least they are supportive I think that helps and also knowing that they are as cross, sad or as bewildered as you are x

OP posts:
M0RVEN · 31/07/2019 13:05

Hope the meeting goes well. It’s best if you just talk about the kids and don’t off load to her about your ex/ her son. You need to use other people for that - let her just be a grandmother and not your counsellor.

Otherwise she will end up defending him and you will be hurt even more.

bobsyourauntie · 31/07/2019 17:44

gempeatea the things you get blamed for are ridiculous. It is straw clutching so that they can come up with a whole list of "reasons" so that they can justify leaving.

I hope that your meeting with MIL goes OK. There is no reason why you can't keep a relationship as long as you keep it all neutral and don't discuss XH. Easier said than done.

I had no support from my ex's family from the day he left. When we were together I used to make sure that he rang his mum regularly and that we visited her regularly so that she had a relationship with DGC. After he left, there was no sympathy for me at all for the fact that he left me with a mortgage to pay, a fledgling business that he had encouraged me to set up and a preschool age child. "oh well, these things happen" was the only thing she said!

Never mind.... I would rather be me than any of them.

PolkaDot41 · 31/07/2019 18:53

Same happened to me OP, after 15 yrs together he upped & left. No warning, had become distant, another woman was involved even though he swore there wasnt. I’m 4 yrs on now and have changed my life around, we have 3 children and I have raised them on my own. He’s not with OW any more. Funny how things work out. You’ll get through this OP xxx

Original poster
Gempeatea · 31/07/2019 20:37

Meeting went well, I had the kiddies with me but it was lovely to see her and felt no different... We also use to work together and I would visit on my own as well so I think thata helped. Plan to go and stay for the weekend soon as I do love her company... Always have.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gempeatea · 31/07/2019 20:40

Yes clutching at straws it a good analysis... In my eyes the issues we had could have been resolved.... But if course he no longer was invested and has this other life lined up although like already said above he said he hadn't... If he didn't have it then he is in a rebound relationship.

It's good to hear that it gets better, I don't feel poop all the time... Mostly when the kids are in bed... But it doesn't last as long as it did in the begining

OP posts:
Curiousmum69 · 31/07/2019 20:47

I'm the other side....if you ask my ex this has come out of the blue...Let's ignore the 3 years of marriage counselling, the no sex for 5 years, the repeated attempts to express how unhappy I was.

So it probably looks as though I was having an affair as I met someone pretty quickly. A lot of that was that I had been over the relationship a long time before finding the courage to leave.

Sometimes people don't want to hear or see how bad things are. Doesn't mean the other person didn't try to discuss.

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