Everyone who said DH would leave and have a baby with her was right

[Worriedandconfused2]

I posted on here months ago under a different name, about my DH messgaing and flirting with his ex, his 'one that got away'. I got loads of good advice here even though lots of it was painful to read at the time.

I would love to be able to say I was the strong role model for my DD and threw him out after his disrespect, but of course I wasn't. We tried counselling which I didn't find very helpful, the counsellor seemed more interested in exploring why DH didn't feel able to get over his ex so we spent one session that was just me listening to him praising all her wonderful attributes which made me feel 1000 times worse and I'm afraid made me give up on it shortly afterwards.

Anyway we limped on mostly as if nothing had happened but everything had happened, I felt on edge and sad and sick all the time inside and every time he went away for work, in the city his ex moved to a month or so after Christmas, I pictured them together. And it turns out I was right. In early May something happened which came to a head and I demanded to see his phone. Eventually after a huge row about it he gave in and handed it over. He'd deleted Messenger and Whatsapp after I'd found the first lot of messages and promised not to reinstall them which was true but I found another messaging app I'd never even heard of, tucked away in an innocuous folder. It only had about a week's worth of messages but they were filthy. Photos, videos of both of them that they'd sent to each other, more explicit than you can imagine. I still feel sick and start shaking to think of it, I'll never get some of those images out of my head.

Funnily enough even he couldn't deny it any longer in the face of that and again I'm not proud to say I begged him to give her up, I sobbed and pleaded and promised him things I'm embarrassed and furious with myself to recall. But he didn't, he left and for the past two and a half months he's been living with her in her shagger's paradise flat, and last week he told me she's pregnant. Pregnant with the baby I always wanted, DD's an only because DH never wanted more children. He was shame faced telling me but it was like there was a big beam of pride and pleasure waiting to break through underneath and he let slip far more than I wanted to know which leaves me in no doubt it's a planned and wanted baby. I knew she wanted children because that's why she broke up with her ex-H and she's in her 30st, but my DH supposedly didn't want any more. When what he really meant was he didn't want any more with me.

How do I cope with the pain, and the anger? I know it's a cliche, and I know I should probably have got angry sooner, but it's like a wave crashes over me and I'm just raging, I want to break stuff and punch him and then next minute I'm breathless with pain all over again. I have to try and hold it all together for DD but not bad-mouthing him is literally the hardest thing I've ever done when I'm in the grip of this pure burning rage. I feel like a boat being tossed from one emotion to the other and I don't know if or how I'm ever going to feel normal again. It's like hes stolen the other child I shoudl have had and given it to HER instead. And I know I shouldn't torture myself but I ca't get the image of them having unprotected sex together out of my head, hoping to conceive and all the business with the pregnancy test, all happy and laughing together and I didn't have any of that, DD was unplanned and it was all a shock and oh shit and wondering briefly if I should have a termination and much as he truly loves DD now, he wouldn't have been heartbroken if I had done and now he's doing the happy expectant father stuff with another woman.

And how the hell do I tell my lovely, bright, special, warm hearted, gentle 10yo DD that the Dad she worships is never coming home because he's having a baby, her half-sister with another woman??

[HollowTalk]

I'm so sorry. What a pair of bastards they are.

[mummmy2017]

You do what we did, you make him tell her, so your not the bad guy....
I am so so sorry your life had gone this way.

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

Yeah, it has to be him who tells her, and you’ll have to hang tight on this.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this - your pain radiates from your words.

They are a pair of weasels and I feel sorry for both children having such a shit human as a father and role model.

[LuluBellaBlue]

So sorry
I would advise letting as much anger out as you can as often as you can.
Go and sit in your car, scream, shout, cry, anything you need to do.
Lots of walks and time in nature.
Whatever exercise you fancy and eat well.

I know that all sounds crap right now, but give yourself as much love as you can right now xx

[hairychinsrus]

Oh OP what a terrible situation you are dealing with and what an absolute shit of a "D"H. You need to get some professional help here, please deal with the grief and loss of the relationship with someone who you can download to but will also help deal with your emotions moving forward.
Your first priority is yourself and DD here, you have become the victim in this dreadful situation and now is the time for you to rise up and think about what you want, what's best for you and DD.
Believe me the lovely shininess of his new relationship will fade very quickly and he will be left with a woman who's first priority is no longer him. She will become a mere mortal and not this person that he's built her up to be i his head.

Living without the shadow of the other woman will take some time BUT each day a tiny bit at a time you will find yourself and carve out a life that is so much healthier than it has been.

[GroggyLegs]

He gets to do it. The fucker. Let him tell her what he did.

Stay strong you sound like a bright & caring person. I'm so sorry he's done this to you & your girl x

[HollowTalk]

I understand why people are saying he has to do it, but if you know your child is going to be hurt, it's better to do it yourself, so that you can control the situation and what is said to her.

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

She will become a mere mortal and not this person that he's built her up to be i his head

You’ve nailed it @hairychinsrus

And never forget...

“when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy”.

[Bountylisa7]

I agree, best coming from you but not yet. You need to deal with it yourself first. Who the fuck tries for a baby within a couple of months of being together. Nuts.

[Worriedandconfused2]

He'd said he wanted me to tell DD because I'd 'find the right words' but I'm still such a mug, he's just being a coward isnt he? Trouble is I've made a rod for my own back because the one thing I did put my foot down about was that it was too soon for DD to know about or meet her, but that was because I was stupidly hoping onto a scrap of hope that it would fizzle out in the cold light of reality and he'd come home, so I didn't want DD to be more messed around than she needed to be and now that's backfired on me and I'm kicking myself at my own stupidity. Although no doubt he's probably lied about that too anyway and talked about her already when he takes DD out.

I don't know how to do this on my own, I'm second guessing myself all the time and I feel like I can't trust my own judgement on anything anymore.

[rightteous]

So the shaggers paradise isn’t exactly going to be that anymore is it. How is this relationship with the arrival of a newborn going to be any different? He’s not going to be getting her sole attention and the sex is going to take an impact plus she’s got to live with the fact that her 1st baby will never be his first baby. I think you absolutely should make him tell her. It will hurt but it will hurt if you do it too and it has to be done and it’s time he started living with some consequences. You now need to start rebuilding your life without him. Get counselling for the trauma surrounding this. Get a babysitter sorted so you can start going out and meeting new people. What he’s done to you is disgusting. I pray that karma bites him but you need to get to the point where if he comes crawling back and begging for you back you don’t want him anymore. You are worth more than this. You deserve better than this. Is he doing his fair share of childcare? Is he paying everything he should be? Time to get the practicalities sorted now.

[Juells]

Fuck that, I'd tell her. He'll say something like how wonderful the other woman is and how he always loved her and marrying you was a mistake blah blah blah, why would you want your child's head filled with his minimising and rejection of you?

At least if you tell her you can couch it as 'sometimes adults don't get on any more, then it's better for them to go their separate ways'.

[rightteous]

You need to be hard nosed now and stop over protecting your DD. She’s going to have to meet this other woman and he’s going to have to do some childcare. Your best option is to make them have her every other weekend so that you get time to go out and they have to start dealing. Reality time. She’s going to have to deal with a step daughter and a newborn. Make them do it. Do not facilitate. Make him put his hands in his pockets money wise too. All the time you facilitate you make their little love nest more comfy. He has to start doing childcare and paying. Be interesting to see how fast all the loved up glow fades then.

[IamtheOA]

o we spent one session that was just me listening to him praising all her wonderful attributes which made me feel 1000 times worse and I'm afraid made me give up on it shortly afterwards

Sounds like the counsellor saved you months of being strung along....

Just keep moving forward op..... tiny steps at a time- you'll get there

[rightteous]

If you’re second guessing yourself then run stuff past a trusted friend or a counsellor

[SunshineCake]

Don't worry about trusting your judgement, you know what the best thing to do is and will be able to do it. Come at everything from the point of view of your daughter. Would it be better for her to hear this news from you? Is he a good enough father that he will be sensitive when telling her or will he be too excited and all persuasive about how great it is going to be for DD1?

I'm sorry he's done this to you both and one day you will see you are better off without someone who can cheat.

Maybe you will be ready to meet someone else and have another child.

[Juells]

PS, I put my foot down that ex had to meet the children on his own for quite a while, he kept trying to ram her down their throats, they never got to see him as their Dad on his own as he was desperate for them to realise what a wonderful wonderful person she was

The only relationship that needs to be protected now is your DD's relationship with her Dad. It will be easier for you if you distance yourself, and communicate only via solicitors. She's old enough to be able to manage when she's being picked up and dropped off. You owe it to her to show that you're strong and capable. Distance helps with moving on and getting your own life sorted.

[Hidingwhoiam]

I am not saying this to make you feel better.

But I think their relationship wont last.

When I was 20 my friend was killed in an awful accident. He boyfriend was also a friend, he has built my deceased friend into this angel on earth. Dont get me wrong, she was lovely, but like all of us had her faults. Their relationship was far from perfect. He hasnt had a lasting relationship since, because no one lives up to her. He isnt going to have the chance to date her again and realise that actually she was perfect. They werent soul mates, they did disagree and fall out, she could be petty when the mood struck her etc. My dad has said several times, he wont move on (dad knows him well) because no one can live up to her. 17 years later, he still cant emotionally invest in anyone and wont go seek help, because he believes he is right.

Your husband, is dating his angel. And he will come to realised that, actually, she isnt perfect. That he was looking through rose tinted glasses

Obviously, the pregnancy will speed things up for telling dd. But I wouldn't jump the gun and do it straight away.

I hope my post makes sense. I know it's different situations, but what you wrote about how he talked about her, really reminded me of my friend and how he talks about the woman he lost.

I am so sorry they have done this to you. I will be thinking of you

[LillithsFamiliar]

I'm so sorry he has treated you and your DD like this
I wonder if you'd benefit from going to counselling on your own? We can be conditioned not to be angry, to bottle stuff up, to 'cope'. Counselling can help you find a healthy way to deal with everything that's happened. But choose a different counsellor. One that you like and that you feel understands you.

[SandyY2K]

Are you the poster who saw them tagged on Facebook and an acronym which stood for best shag ever...or something along those lines?

Anyway, sorry about your situation. Seek personal therapy and build your strength and confidence up. He's not worth your tears.

Dont let him define your future happiness.

[feellikeanalien]

It's probably no consolation OP but EX H did the same. She wasn't an ex but he was horribly cruel when he left and said he couldn't imagine having kids with me but could with her.

Fast forward a couple of years and she got pregnant (I heard from mutual friends that she was desperate for a baby). Things soon fell apart once the baby was born and he was no longer the centre of attention. It ended up in a nasty court fight over maintenance.

He now lives abroad so I don't know if he even sees the child.

It is horribly painful and you can't imagine ever getting over it. But it does eventually get better and I'm now a mum to the most wonderful DD . Enjoy your precious girl and as other pps have said it is up to him to tell her about her new half-sibling. Just be there for her to deal with any consequences.

for you.

(I know it sounds really naff but I found that playing Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive at full blast while driving used to help a bit!!!)

[paap1975]

The others are right, it's up to him to tell her, not you. He is responsible for the mess. If your daughter pushes you, just tell her he did something you can't forgive (or say he broke his marriage vows) but that it's up to him to tell her the details. So sorry!

[ohcanada]

When I read this I felt sick DD's an only because DH never wanted more children

He's an awful human being. Can you start doing some sort of exercise (maybe kickboxing) to release some tension? I would seek help but from a different counsellor if you can, just to help you make sense of the situation and 'say it out loud' if that makes sense.

Everyone else is right - he will soon realise that she is just a normal woman. Whether their relationship lasts or not, doesn't matter. He doesn't deserve you any more and you should never want to be with someone capable of such cruelness.

If you want to tell DD, you should. Try and be neutral, she will figure it all out for herself in the end, poisoning her against him will only cause for friction now which wont help you.

Wishing you the best OP.

[WinterSunglasses]

They are both awful people. I agree with pp that it has a high chance of going wrong. Doesn't help right now I know. You have your lovely DD and she'll know who's there for her and who isn't.

[WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName]

What utter bastards they are. One thing is for certain, the strain of having a baby will test them and once real life after the honeymoon period kicks in the cracks will begin to show.

Now find your anger, get a good solicitor and take him for every penny. Oh and make the spineless cock tell your daughter himself. Don’t let him manipulate you, be strong. You will be OK.