Ok bare with me. I’ve never posted on here before and can’t believe I’m writing this.
I’m from Australia and moved over here about 11 years ago, left to go back to Australia 2 years later and meet my now husband travelling on the way home. He’s British. We fell madly in love ended up getting married 6 months later and I moved back over here.
He’s honestly such a lovely man from a lovely family and has treated me so well I’ve always felt like I’d won the lottery.
We’ve always discussed going back to aus at some stage especially after kids and he’s always said he will give it a go out there.
Anyway 9 years of happy marriage we were definitely a ‘party’ couple for many years and had a very busy social life most of our friends are younger than us. And are only just starting to have families.
Anyways we now have 2 beautiful ivf babies (ivf worked first time both times - so didn’t really put much of a strain on our marriage).
After our daughter was born 2.5 years ago my husband was the best father. I was jealous watching him all my friends were also jealous he was perfect. We decided to have another baby last year he is now 4 months old.
We’ve always had a great marriage been best of friends but I guess having kids has put a huge strain on things especially as I don’t have family around. Financially too as we live in a small flat (which was always temporary and never meant for us with 2 kids).
It was decided we would move to aus after we had baby husband has been trying to get a transfer with work.
So 6 months ago life was great I was heavily pregnant and was thinking about moving back home.
Anyway about 8 months into pregnancy I could see a change in my husband. He started becoming withdrawn, not sleeping well, not interested in family life or getting enjoyment out of it, not really listening to me when I spoke or excited about the baby. I kept asking him what was wrong, whether it was me he kept saying ‘he didn’t know he’d sort it.
(During my pregnancy a lot went on in terms of him working really hard to get a promotion and me really struggling)
He started a new and stressful role at work a month before baby comes. Baby comes and he found paternity leave very stressful especially with our toddler, he was in tears a lot saying he didn’t feel happy he knew he should he didn’t know why. I was very worried about depression he kept saying he didn’t think it was that and he’d sort it.
Since then it’s spiralled our of control. He has continued to pull away from me and completely emotionally shut down. He’s told me he can never move to aus and feels so guilty as the relationship is one sided, hes irritable with the kids, very impatient with everything jobs around the house, driving etc. Has started to drink more.
I kept asking whether it was our marriage that was making him so unhappy and kept expressing how unloved and how unsupported I felt but nothing seemed to help. He agreed to see a therapist.
Anyway then he tells me it is our marriage making him unhappy but we could fix it.
As he couldn’t move to aus I was looking into other areas we could afford a house - close to his work. He wouldn’t engage. Kept saying he doesnt know what he wants which started to scare me. . He completely shut me out. I kept trying to fix things for him and do nice things for him this didn’t help. Eventually one night he told me he would be going to stay with a friend he needed space.
We meet up a few nights later and he told me he wanted to leave me.
My whole world ended. Was the worst moment of my life. I’m on mat leave I earn soooo much less than him and we are struggling as it is. His family are my only family and we have all the same friends.
After seeing how upset I was and knowing how hard it is with 2 small kids he agreed to move back in (most of the week - staying at a mates some night to have space) and go to relate counselling.
He is still affectionate to me and we still have sex. He says he does love me but he hasn’t been happy for a while (about a year - which is when I got pregnant). He says he feels numb and empty and he has lost himself.says he can’t give me what I want. Says he doesn’t get to do any of things he enjoys anymore and he doesn’t know how to be happy. Keeps reassuring me if the worst happens he won’t screw me and the kids over financially. He thinks it means he love me less as he can’t move to aus and he’s struggling to put mine and the kids happiness before his own and feels very guilty about it. He says he’s sick of the same old fights (which only generally occur when he wants to go out and do loads of stuff and leave me at home - this is especially hard as he’s often away with work so I’m often flying solo as it is.
I’m terrified. I’d thought about what I’d do if he died but never ever imagined this. It seems so out of character that he would do this to me when I have just had a baby I’m still breastfeeding. I’ve got so much to lose I don’t know how I’d ever cope. I’d be stuck in England and not have any money for trips home etc as a single mum. I’d lose all his family who I’m so close to.
I feel like I’m walking on egg shells living like a doormat too scared to push him away for good. I can’t see a future without him I love him so much and can’t believe it’s come to this out of the blue (for me). I’m angry he shut me out.
I’m trying so hard to be strong and give him space but I feel abandon.
He has all the power and it’s awful. He’s promised he will go to the doctor to see about depression as he has many symptoms. I feel like it’s all my fault for nagging and being controlling. He is a good man so I’m busy looking for excuses for his behaviour and feel desperate and a bit pathetic trying to get him to show me some
Love back. He wants to keep all our plans together as normal and says he can’t even think about us being with other people or not spending time together. When I talk about practicalities of separation he says ‘stop it’s too sad’ Or ‘it hasn’t happened yet’ I don’t think he really has a plan.
I’m all over the place and not able to enjoy being with the children. I’ve had a few meltdowns telling him he is going to ruin my life and begged him not to leave. He’s always comforted me and says he feels awful.
It’s so hard being with him but not feeling loved back.
I don’t know what to do.
If you’re still with me well done!! Not sure why I’m posting. Just seeing if anyone has been through anything similar. Is he having some sort of crisis that he needs some time to sort out? Or is he only still here because he feels guilty?
I can’t believe he could leave me with these 2 small children. I trusted him.
There is def no one else. I’m sure of that.