Husband is thinking of leaving me with 2 small children. So distraught and scared.

[Tasmum1]

Ok bare with me. I’ve never posted on here before and can’t believe I’m writing this.
I’m from Australia and moved over here about 11 years ago, left to go back to Australia 2 years later and meet my now husband travelling on the way home. He’s British. We fell madly in love ended up getting married 6 months later and I moved back over here.
He’s honestly such a lovely man from a lovely family and has treated me so well I’ve always felt like I’d won the lottery.
We’ve always discussed going back to aus at some stage especially after kids and he’s always said he will give it a go out there.
Anyway 9 years of happy marriage we were definitely a ‘party’ couple for many years and had a very busy social life most of our friends are younger than us. And are only just starting to have families.
Anyways we now have 2 beautiful ivf babies (ivf worked first time both times - so didn’t really put much of a strain on our marriage).
After our daughter was born 2.5 years ago my husband was the best father. I was jealous watching him all my friends were also jealous he was perfect. We decided to have another baby last year he is now 4 months old.
We’ve always had a great marriage been best of friends but I guess having kids has put a huge strain on things especially as I don’t have family around. Financially too as we live in a small flat (which was always temporary and never meant for us with 2 kids).
It was decided we would move to aus after we had baby husband has been trying to get a transfer with work.
So 6 months ago life was great I was heavily pregnant and was thinking about moving back home.
Anyway about 8 months into pregnancy I could see a change in my husband. He started becoming withdrawn, not sleeping well, not interested in family life or getting enjoyment out of it, not really listening to me when I spoke or excited about the baby. I kept asking him what was wrong, whether it was me he kept saying ‘he didn’t know he’d sort it.
(During my pregnancy a lot went on in terms of him working really hard to get a promotion and me really struggling)
He started a new and stressful role at work a month before baby comes. Baby comes and he found paternity leave very stressful especially with our toddler, he was in tears a lot saying he didn’t feel happy he knew he should he didn’t know why. I was very worried about depression he kept saying he didn’t think it was that and he’d sort it.
Since then it’s spiralled our of control. He has continued to pull away from me and completely emotionally shut down. He’s told me he can never move to aus and feels so guilty as the relationship is one sided, hes irritable with the kids, very impatient with everything jobs around the house, driving etc. Has started to drink more.
I kept asking whether it was our marriage that was making him so unhappy and kept expressing how unloved and how unsupported I felt but nothing seemed to help. He agreed to see a therapist.
Anyway then he tells me it is our marriage making him unhappy but we could fix it.
As he couldn’t move to aus I was looking into other areas we could afford a house - close to his work. He wouldn’t engage. Kept saying he doesnt know what he wants which started to scare me. . He completely shut me out. I kept trying to fix things for him and do nice things for him this didn’t help. Eventually one night he told me he would be going to stay with a friend he needed space.
We meet up a few nights later and he told me he wanted to leave me.
My whole world ended. Was the worst moment of my life. I’m on mat leave I earn soooo much less than him and we are struggling as it is. His family are my only family and we have all the same friends.
After seeing how upset I was and knowing how hard it is with 2 small kids he agreed to move back in (most of the week - staying at a mates some night to have space) and go to relate counselling.
He is still affectionate to me and we still have sex. He says he does love me but he hasn’t been happy for a while (about a year - which is when I got pregnant). He says he feels numb and empty and he has lost himself.says he can’t give me what I want. Says he doesn’t get to do any of things he enjoys anymore and he doesn’t know how to be happy. Keeps reassuring me if the worst happens he won’t screw me and the kids over financially. He thinks it means he love me less as he can’t move to aus and he’s struggling to put mine and the kids happiness before his own and feels very guilty about it. He says he’s sick of the same old fights (which only generally occur when he wants to go out and do loads of stuff and leave me at home - this is especially hard as he’s often away with work so I’m often flying solo as it is.
I’m terrified. I’d thought about what I’d do if he died but never ever imagined this. It seems so out of character that he would do this to me when I have just had a baby I’m still breastfeeding. I’ve got so much to lose I don’t know how I’d ever cope. I’d be stuck in England and not have any money for trips home etc as a single mum. I’d lose all his family who I’m so close to.
I feel like I’m walking on egg shells living like a doormat too scared to push him away for good. I can’t see a future without him I love him so much and can’t believe it’s come to this out of the blue (for me). I’m angry he shut me out.
I’m trying so hard to be strong and give him space but I feel abandon.
He has all the power and it’s awful. He’s promised he will go to the doctor to see about depression as he has many symptoms. I feel like it’s all my fault for nagging and being controlling. He is a good man so I’m busy looking for excuses for his behaviour and feel desperate and a bit pathetic trying to get him to show me some
Love back. He wants to keep all our plans together as normal and says he can’t even think about us being with other people or not spending time together. When I talk about practicalities of separation he says ‘stop it’s too sad’ Or ‘it hasn’t happened yet’ I don’t think he really has a plan.
I’m all over the place and not able to enjoy being with the children. I’ve had a few meltdowns telling him he is going to ruin my life and begged him not to leave. He’s always comforted me and says he feels awful.
It’s so hard being with him but not feeling loved back.
I don’t know what to do.
If you’re still with me well done!! Not sure why I’m posting. Just seeing if anyone has been through anything similar. Is he having some sort of crisis that he needs some time to sort out? Or is he only still here because he feels guilty?
I can’t believe he could leave me with these 2 small children. I trusted him.
There is def no one else. I’m sure of that.

You are living in a horrid state of limbo that is unsustainable long term and will be very damaging to your own mental and physical health.

He sounds like he is depressed and he needs to go to the GP as soon as possible (not next week or next month but this week if at all possible). If he refuses to do this then you need to make it clear that you cannot continue with the current situation. His flip flopping between houses is unfair and has resolved nothing currently so it is reasonable to assume it will not change anything going forward either.

I understand your blind panic of what may happen but if it is depression then the accusations of him ruining your life and begging him to stay may in fact have the opposite effect and could cause him to want to stay away.

If it is not depression then you need to take control of your future and have some serious discussions. If divorce becomes a likely possibility would he consider the possibility of agreeing to you moving back to Australia with the children so you can access your support network? Be prepared for him to refuse this request but it is a question that you need answering given your difficult situation.

Sounds like depression to me. Went through similar with someone. Took me a while to realise. You can't always see it when you're in the situation. If you can get him to seek help, which might not be easy as he might not recognise he has depression, then that's a start. I really feel for you.

I think you need to go back to aus and get the support if your family, at least during your maternity leave, whether he is having an affair or he’s just being ultra selfish and self focused makes no difference in my book. He has made a decision to get married and have 2 children and f*ing step up to his responsibilities, never mind he can’t do what he wants.

And what about you, all your hormones, the impact on your body, giving birth, breast feeding, looking after a toddler and a baby all day. You are the one who needs support. You are the one the focus should be on at this time in your life. Not him. He sounds like a selfish, self indulgent prick and you need people around you who care about you.

Go back to Aus and create a better life for you and your children.

You can do it, get on a plane ASAP.

Ps, my ex DH withdrew emotionally after our fourth child. Wasn’t involved, was unhappy blah blah blah. Turned out he was having an affair, 9 years later he finally left, walking out on 4 boys age 9-15. The 9 years in between were hell for me, constantly and desperately trying to make the marriage work and keep the family together. This was a mistake, it would have been much easier on my children to have left when they were younger.

And yes my DH was depressed at times but too self indulgent to seek treatment. In the end I had severe depression for 2 years. You need to look after you and stop worrying about him, you have enough to deal with.

My DH became depressed after our dc were born and it was very difficult. But he didn't leave the family home or try and leave the family.
I think I would be really clear with DH that if he doesn't commit to moving back in and working on his mental health then you will be returning to Oz so that your family can support you.

If I was you I would take your 2 kids and move back to Oz and be with your family who can help you raise the children

Oh my poor darling, it sounds like you are going through absolute hell. If you haven't already, please talk to your family and friends back in Australia and tell them what's going on. Demand he goes to the GP immediately, as an emergency. It does sound like extremely serious depression. It's also really important you stop having sex and cuddling him etc. I know you're desperate to pull him close to you, but that is the worst thing you can do in this situation. Pull back. Distance is absolutely crucial to reignite any type of spark.

But if there is any possibility he's had an affair or that his "head's been turned", then be furiously angry.

Keep posting on here, you're not alone. Hang in there

@Tasmum1 - @UniversalAunt has this spot on!! I was going to NC and post a comment to you.
All I’ll say is this... univaunt has hit all the nails on the head. He needs help with depression yesterday. You can’t all stay cooped up in a flat either as it’s absolutely no good for depression. It’s stifling. Oh, and it can end well. You or family member have to make the call with GP though. You cannot put this off.
Loving anyone when you don’t much love yourself is not easy. It can get better. Please get him help, don’t leave it to him to get it.

Oh, and I don’t believe for a minute that he’s having an affair as a PP has said.

I don’t think he’s having an affair either, I think it sounds like depression.

Hope things improve op

Op, you say you don't think affair, but in circumstances like these it more than likely is.
You really need to rule one out either way, no point in asking because he would of admitted it already if so. You need to dig deep and find out, for your own sanity.

Go back to Aus with kids as soon as you can get the money together. You say he's "struggling to put the kids first" so I'd say the kids are best off without him in their lives if that's the case? They deserve so much better. So do you!!

Personally I'd end it before he does. It will give you a much needed feeling of power and will make your split easier to deal with if it's you who walked away. Besides, why would you want to wait for him to do it? That will feel like you're on death row.

You can do it

I don’t think it’s an affair. I think his having s mid life crisis and I don’t think he will be able to think clearly while it’s all going on around him even though that’s so unfair to you.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Please get some legal advice before considering any of the advice on here to return to Australia with the kids. The Hague Convention prevents parents from taking kids from their country of residence without permission.

That sounds really tough, OP. You're having a horrible time.

I think it could be depression - at the very least, you should check that out, as much as you can.

Good luck. I really hope life improves for you.

Tell him if he wants out then fine (even if deep down you don't mean it now, convince yourself you do) and let him feel the consequences of his choices. Nowhere to live, missing his kids. This is the only way he'll ever realise what he is losing. He may never realise this, so keep that in mind.
Maybe he is depressed but you can't make him get help. Throw him out.

Sounds like a mid life crisis. He may or may not be cheating, doesn’t really matter honestly. He needs counseling for himself and if your relationship will stand a chance you need it as a couple also.

A lot of men behave foolishly in middle age especially after a few DCs, if they catch it before they do irreparable damage it’s possible to get things better again. But sometimes they really mess things up for good - like actually leaving their family.

OP I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this but know that it’s common and you’re not alone. Take care of yourself right now and ask what you want and need.

I absolutely feel for you. What a shit situation for you to be in. A friend of mine went through something similar. From another country, no family support, two kids...turned out he was messing around. Denied denied denied though and she went through a stage of trying to get him to the doctors for depression. It wasn’t anything like that. He just didn’t want to be tied down with family responsibility and had his head turned with a new job. He wanted that single man party lifestyle. She ended it. Moved out and put strict boundaries in place. Made him actually parent on his own without her to facilitate. It was extremely hard for her but she did it and guess what. She’s now the one with a lovely life with a new guy who adores her and he is still stuck in the same rut.
I would suggest you stop him coming round and definitely stop sleeping with him. Make him grow up. Start looking at practicalities. Are you getting all of the benefits you are entitled to? Go to the council and tell them your situation that you’ve been abandoned by your partner and need help. You can claim single parents allowances. Why will you lose his family? They are still their grandkids. Can they help you with childcare when you go back to work? Have you actually asked him if he’s slept with somebody else? Have you asked any of your friends if they know anything? Keep posting on here and we will help you

oh honey, i would be calling his bluff and showing him the door, if he doesnt want to be there, kick his ass out, you will cope, you will succeed in spite of him! get a lawyer and copies of all the financial papers and call cms ... show him the reality of life as a single father of two... and btw that asshole is cheatin so dont let him come back he is contaminated

To all the posters saying take the kids back to Australia she can’t. Both the Uk and Australia are signed up to The Hague convention. She would be done for kidnapping and forced back. She cannot leave without his written permission. We moved to Australia and have watched many of our friends break up and unable to leave here even with the father/mother and kids being British. It’s ridiculous.

Op it’s either a case of yes he is having a affair and hiding it very well-don’t rule this out OR he is suffering from Depression. Or it could be a combination of the two. You need to take your emotions out of this, forget the person you think you know because let’s be honest you didn’t see him doing this, take a step back and really take a proper look into it.

You then have two choices you either set up a life for yourself where you are or you some how get him back to Australia. Even if it’s just telling him it’s temporary.

Honestly this is happening all the time, it’s something that people don’t seem to even think about when emigrating. I know I didn’t. Please get yourself some professional help and someone to talk too. You will need this either way. It’s heartbreaking. Take care of yourself and the kids xxxx

I think the key thing is to stop doing the "pick me" dance. www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Tell people what is going on. Arrange set times for him to pick up and see the children(even if all he can do is take them for a walk to the park).
Bag up his stuff.
Keep eating and drinking fluids.
And try to rebuild your life.

(And read what Elle2019 has written - not some of the rubbish on here.)

He's not the man you thought he was. He's self centred. He keeps coming out with this drivel about how he doesn't want to hurt you .... but he is actually completely self centred.

Unfortunately you love him so much you can't see the truth.

OP could you get your DH’s signed permission to take the DC back to Australia. Even if at the moment you aren’t ready to give up on him at the very least get the permission signed and sorted now. Down the track you might desperately want to leave the UK and move home to have family support.

Definitely stop sleeping with him, it will end up that he is living in your life and then separately having his own.

I'm sorry to say this story has 'affair' written all over it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Right.
I only read the OP, so sorry if I'm repeating other posters.
My husband went like this for a bit several years ago, before we had kids, but we were married and lived together and were pretty much financially dependent on one another.
He worked more than me, didn't really seem to want to come home or spend any time with me. Would finish work and then go to the gym with his friends for hours, more than a normal gym session.
I was nagging, I'd cooked dinner and he kept turning up late saying he'd eaten with his friends, but didn't think to text me.
I would have described it as a life crisis to be honest.
He eventually sat me down and said he felt trapped, he wasn't sure it was working anymore, he wanted some time away to think about what he wanted.
For my husband it was a depressive episode, he went to the GP, he was prescribed antidepressants, he changed jobs to a less shitty role, he stopped talking to all his "high life" friends, I.e people earning 5 times what we were and living at home with their parents so had alot more disposable income for nice holidays, cars, trips, while we struggled to pay the bills.
I think everyone elses lives seemed a bit easier and better than ours. In his mind, not mine.
He eventually told me he was trying to leave me because he was actually contemplating killing himself and he thought it would be easier all round if we wasn't together. He self harmed for a bit. It was fucking awful.
But he got help, he changed some parts of his life. He definitely wasn't cheating.
I was hysterical when he said he wanted to leave, I wasn't strong at all. I cried, screamed, hyperventilated. Thinking back it was all pretty pathetic, but I couldn't control myself, but he agreed to try. Which is when the GP and treatment started.
It's been 5 years now.
We're still together, I'm very happy, I think hes as happy as he'll ever be, hes never been much of a positive person. We have 2 beautiful little boys, he rushes home to see us all, we all get kisses and cuddles off him constantly. I feel loved again and the shit we went through 5 years ago feels almost unreal now and just a blip. But I still can't believe how close it came to ending.
I can see why people would think affair, and you never really know anyone truly, but there are definitely other possibilities to explore, especially with young children involved.