Husband is thinking of leaving me with 2 small children. So distraught and scared.

[Tasmum1]

Ok bare with me. I’ve never posted on here before and can’t believe I’m writing this.
I’m from Australia and moved over here about 11 years ago, left to go back to Australia 2 years later and meet my now husband travelling on the way home. He’s British. We fell madly in love ended up getting married 6 months later and I moved back over here.
He’s honestly such a lovely man from a lovely family and has treated me so well I’ve always felt like I’d won the lottery.
We’ve always discussed going back to aus at some stage especially after kids and he’s always said he will give it a go out there.
Anyway 9 years of happy marriage we were definitely a ‘party’ couple for many years and had a very busy social life most of our friends are younger than us. And are only just starting to have families.
Anyways we now have 2 beautiful ivf babies (ivf worked first time both times - so didn’t really put much of a strain on our marriage).
After our daughter was born 2.5 years ago my husband was the best father. I was jealous watching him all my friends were also jealous he was perfect. We decided to have another baby last year he is now 4 months old.
We’ve always had a great marriage been best of friends but I guess having kids has put a huge strain on things especially as I don’t have family around. Financially too as we live in a small flat (which was always temporary and never meant for us with 2 kids).
It was decided we would move to aus after we had baby husband has been trying to get a transfer with work.
So 6 months ago life was great I was heavily pregnant and was thinking about moving back home.
Anyway about 8 months into pregnancy I could see a change in my husband. He started becoming withdrawn, not sleeping well, not interested in family life or getting enjoyment out of it, not really listening to me when I spoke or excited about the baby. I kept asking him what was wrong, whether it was me he kept saying ‘he didn’t know he’d sort it.
(During my pregnancy a lot went on in terms of him working really hard to get a promotion and me really struggling)
He started a new and stressful role at work a month before baby comes. Baby comes and he found paternity leave very stressful especially with our toddler, he was in tears a lot saying he didn’t feel happy he knew he should he didn’t know why. I was very worried about depression he kept saying he didn’t think it was that and he’d sort it.
Since then it’s spiralled our of control. He has continued to pull away from me and completely emotionally shut down. He’s told me he can never move to aus and feels so guilty as the relationship is one sided, hes irritable with the kids, very impatient with everything jobs around the house, driving etc. Has started to drink more.
I kept asking whether it was our marriage that was making him so unhappy and kept expressing how unloved and how unsupported I felt but nothing seemed to help. He agreed to see a therapist.
Anyway then he tells me it is our marriage making him unhappy but we could fix it.
As he couldn’t move to aus I was looking into other areas we could afford a house - close to his work. He wouldn’t engage. Kept saying he doesnt know what he wants which started to scare me. . He completely shut me out. I kept trying to fix things for him and do nice things for him this didn’t help. Eventually one night he told me he would be going to stay with a friend he needed space.
We meet up a few nights later and he told me he wanted to leave me.
My whole world ended. Was the worst moment of my life. I’m on mat leave I earn soooo much less than him and we are struggling as it is. His family are my only family and we have all the same friends.
After seeing how upset I was and knowing how hard it is with 2 small kids he agreed to move back in (most of the week - staying at a mates some night to have space) and go to relate counselling.
He is still affectionate to me and we still have sex. He says he does love me but he hasn’t been happy for a while (about a year - which is when I got pregnant). He says he feels numb and empty and he has lost himself.says he can’t give me what I want. Says he doesn’t get to do any of things he enjoys anymore and he doesn’t know how to be happy. Keeps reassuring me if the worst happens he won’t screw me and the kids over financially. He thinks it means he love me less as he can’t move to aus and he’s struggling to put mine and the kids happiness before his own and feels very guilty about it. He says he’s sick of the same old fights (which only generally occur when he wants to go out and do loads of stuff and leave me at home - this is especially hard as he’s often away with work so I’m often flying solo as it is.
I’m terrified. I’d thought about what I’d do if he died but never ever imagined this. It seems so out of character that he would do this to me when I have just had a baby I’m still breastfeeding. I’ve got so much to lose I don’t know how I’d ever cope. I’d be stuck in England and not have any money for trips home etc as a single mum. I’d lose all his family who I’m so close to.
I feel like I’m walking on egg shells living like a doormat too scared to push him away for good. I can’t see a future without him I love him so much and can’t believe it’s come to this out of the blue (for me). I’m angry he shut me out.
I’m trying so hard to be strong and give him space but I feel abandon.
He has all the power and it’s awful. He’s promised he will go to the doctor to see about depression as he has many symptoms. I feel like it’s all my fault for nagging and being controlling. He is a good man so I’m busy looking for excuses for his behaviour and feel desperate and a bit pathetic trying to get him to show me some
Love back. He wants to keep all our plans together as normal and says he can’t even think about us being with other people or not spending time together. When I talk about practicalities of separation he says ‘stop it’s too sad’ Or ‘it hasn’t happened yet’ I don’t think he really has a plan.
I’m all over the place and not able to enjoy being with the children. I’ve had a few meltdowns telling him he is going to ruin my life and begged him not to leave. He’s always comforted me and says he feels awful.
It’s so hard being with him but not feeling loved back.
I don’t know what to do.
If you’re still with me well done!! Not sure why I’m posting. Just seeing if anyone has been through anything similar. Is he having some sort of crisis that he needs some time to sort out? Or is he only still here because he feels guilty?
I can’t believe he could leave me with these 2 small children. I trusted him.
There is def no one else. I’m sure of that.

I think MH issues are definitely there and I hope he agrees to take antidepressants but they’ll still take time to kick in so you need a strategy for now that works for you and is fair for you.
If he needs space from the kids one or two nights a week fine. But he also needs to spend time with them to both bond and allow you room to breathe.
When he’s in the home make sure he does bathtime or something else bonding and you get a rest.
Set boundaries. I don’t think I’d be having sex with someone who isn’t sure they want to be with me. But that’s up to you.

Go home. It sounds like he wouldn’t contest it. You can’t rely on him or his family.

Can people stop saying go home like it's something the OP can actually do!!

Go back to Australia to see your family, you need the break, you're in limbo, he can have plenty of space then. Agree with pp re. his 'nice guy' image.

Unfortunately depression and affairs aren’t mutually exclusive. Guilt can trigger depression. It may be an affair it may not be, but I’ve often found this ‘can’t give you what you want’ train of thought, along with needing space often goes hand in hand with some shitty behaviour. On the other hand I just think some men are not cut out for the groundhog dayness of most marriages and family living. I think time will tell which it is but I would certainly have my radar up but also encourage some medical help and positive thinking and keepclear if going back to Aus talks

If it was me and I had family in Aus, I’d definitely be going back for a break and to get some family support

All I know is he's letting you down (badly) when you need him most. You have to step up for the kids and be there whether you want to or not while he's having nights off with 'friends' and deciding if he wants to stay in a situation you have created together and also having his 'jollies' with you when he feels like it. Imagine if the positions were reversed... unimaginable actually I'll bet. I'd tell him to step up or fuck off - he can't have it both ways (can he??) Get back to your family in Aus (beg, steak or borrow) and let them support you emotionally. It'll certainly clarify things for 'poor, suffering' OH

Aw how difficult. It does sound like he has depression. Hopefully the therapy and medication will help him out of it and he'll realise it isn't YOU that has to go/change. It does sound like he loves you, but isn't really showing it at the moment.

That said, you have to look after yourself too. It's very tough with two such tiny children, but try and get out and about and have a break when you can. Can his parents watch the children at all for an afternoon or anything?

Steal obvs not steak

You cant diagnose depression on an internet forum but you can say that there have been a great many stresses in your life and that some of the comments he is making are those made by the severely depressed. Therefore he needs to see a gp. Since men are often not honest about their symptoms, he should be doing this with you present. If he will take medication this may allow him to improve.

Separately you need to build yourself a life here or get his written permission to take the children away. You will feel better able to manage without him if you begin to make "mum" friends here and reducing your dependence on him will also ease the pressure on him. Make use of his family too, dont assume they will drop out of your life if he does. If I had a dil struggling with 2 young children I'd be offering to babysit/ have the children overnight. I wouldnt want to discuss my sons faults, doesnt mean I'd abandon his children.

You cant diagnose on the internet if a man has been cheating either. Someone who is depressed doesnt always have the energy for that. What matters here is what you want to do about your marriage, whether you want to try and preserve it or not. Recognise that you both need to make changes for that to happen.

If you can't go home, is there any chance that someone (mum, sister, friend) could come over to you? A third party, who could see how he is behaving and maybe give you some advice, while helping out with the children?

Because yes, he may well be depressed and in need of help, but so are you. Don't martyr yourself to his cause, you need looking after and help with the children. I'd fly out in a heartbeat if my DD in Oz needed me to, hopefully your family would be the same.

You need some distance from him to enable you to see what you want. It's not helping, him coming and staying over and getting his emotional needs met without the children 'upsetting' him - what the hell does he think it's doing to you? Or doesn't he care?

I wouldn't assume that this is an affair - IMO having two kids in quick succession, lots of job stress + the stress of knowing your DW is dying to move back to Australia as soon as that second kid arrives is a recipe for depression. My DH had poor MH for years as a result of job stress/insecurity/lack of career progression/bullying at work + the arrival of our two DC. I didn't everything for the kids too and never really asked him for help with them, in part because I was a SAHM an in part because I could tell he was close to breaking point with all the job stuff and the stress of supporting us all. None of us can tell you what's REALLY going on with your DH, but what I do know is that from what you've described there is more than enough stuff right there to tip someone over the edge.

As for the whole Australia factor - let's just say that I know of several couples for whom this has been a relationship breaker. The Australian half ALWAYS wants to go home IME and the loved up other half agrees in those early, heady days of their relationship, only when it comes to it there are many who actually don't want to move to the far side of the world at all. I really think there should be specific relationship counselling for international couples over the whole 'where we'll live' issue.

As for you - stop sleeping with him, stop telling him how much your need him and want him, and start being tough. Insist that he goes to the GP and go with him if necessary, start making plans for yourself as a LP, talk to a solicitor, and yes, I'm sorry but you are 'stuck' here.

TRIGGER

Sounds dangerously overwhelmed with stress from work and home and from not knowing a way out.

Op I have known of a case like this when the DH felt the only way out was by taking his own life so please please tread sensitively.

Something has to give and urgently.

Sounds like he doesn't want to give up his job.

Some men recognise their job is killing their family relationship and want to give up but find their partners are not prepared to relinquish the change in lifestyle that would entail.

Unfortunately your DH puts his job ahead of family life as he sees that is in his best interests ( at the moment).

You need to stop making demands on him as he sounds dangerously overwhelmed.

Sorry op but put yourself and your DC first now. That is your priority.

@Prettyvase what are qualifications to make the statements you have?

@Tasmum1 How are you both today ?

Did your husband attend the GP appt he booked ?
How did he get on?

I hope you can give yourselves some breathing space - whilst any meds/treatments prescribed kick in - & then work together to resolve the challenges you are facing as a couple & parents.

Hi

i was wondering if you could post an update OP?

i hope you are ok

Renovations and babies. That is tough. Possibly your husband has depression. Good on him for going to G.P. Personally, if you keep yourself happy and focus on having calm and happy times when he is with you he might soak in some positivity to help with whatever the doctor suggests as a remedy. Take it week by week. Yes, take a stress free holiday to the countryside nearby or where there are few people. The flight to Aus could be horrendous; I would leave that for a few years. All go on walks and visits to his family; they might give your husband more moral support than expended.
I hope you can work it out and both be satisfied.

I'm so so sorry OP, this is devastating. I really think the best thing you could do is to take your children back to Aus to be with your family (for now at least.) You will have love and support there (emotional and practical), and your husband will have the space he needs to sort out his mental health and decide what he wants to do, without keeping you all in this horrible toxic limbo. I doubt he will want you to do this because he has obviously not really made up his mind about what he wants. It sounds as though he does not want to be with you but he doesn't want to let you go either. But you need to be strong and put yourself first. He does soun depressed but you need to put yourself and your children first right now. He has family and friends to support him, you are alone with only him to turn to- when he is the one causing this pain.
Sending lots if love x

Also..I know its really tough to hear, but even if he is depressed (which I'm sure he is) that does not explain away his behaviour or make it acceptable in any way. I have suffered with depression and I would never have treated by partner so cruely or abandoned my family. I'm sorry that's a horrible thought but its worth reminding yourself of that when you are (naturally) trying to justify his actions. I think its important to put some boundaries in place (or take a break to stay with your family as above..)x

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

I can’t believe I read three pages of that before realising it was an old thread. A very old thread. How annoying that people ressurect these things.

Whatever the reason he's being very cruel and messing with your head. To say he's leaving you one moment, then have sex with you and be affectionate the next, you must be so confused. It would appear depression and wanting to leave has not affected his libido.
It sounds like you've gone into begging mode - doing nice things, toeing the line. Doing the opposite could be more effective in helping him to understand what he stands to lose. I'd find it hard not to disengage with someone who was disengaged from the DC.
I hope for your sake it is depression, but as it ties in with starting his new job, he would also have met new people around that time. It could be that he's stressed from putting in extra hours, or equally, he might not have been working the hours he claims.
Now might be a good time to see your family in oz, put some distance between you and get support from then. Might as well use family money on that. It gives him a taster of what life would be like for him without you all - if he prefers it, you know where you stand.
I don't think now is the time to push for plans on where to live. That's pushing him to commit when he thinks he wants to walk, so just adds pressure. So say you'll give him space by having a trip to Oz.

Geez, zombie 🙄

I think affair this is how my partner acted. Made out it was work, life then it was me. His work had always been stressful we have two young children. It turned out a women at work had turned his head and he would moan to her about his life and me whilst coming home and completely shutting me out emotionally, picking fights over nothing. Still wanting to have sex and be hot and cold with him wanting me and not sure 'if he's right for me'.
In the 7 years we had been together he never once expressed this. I played the pick me dance sadly as I wanted to keep my family together.

He was depressed but like someone else said men don't know how to express that and will seek a thrill to feel alive. He also was a man who would be like cheating it the worst thing someone could do bla bla. They tell you that it's never quite been right or it's been bad for ages to justify what they are doing.

It's so much more common than people think. The signs aren't always big flashing lights most the time it is them being withdrawn and you not understanding what's happened with a little dash of deflection when you try to calmly talk to them and figure things out. In a few months time when the affair fizzles out he will be back to normal and you'll be like what was all of that about.

Sure could be depression but it's probably both. He also had to start staying at a friend's 🙄

@Wellitjustgetsworse

how did you find out if you don’t mind my asking?