Husband is thinking of leaving me with 2 small children. So distraught and scared.

[Tasmum1]

Ok bare with me. I’ve never posted on here before and can’t believe I’m writing this.
I’m from Australia and moved over here about 11 years ago, left to go back to Australia 2 years later and meet my now husband travelling on the way home. He’s British. We fell madly in love ended up getting married 6 months later and I moved back over here.
He’s honestly such a lovely man from a lovely family and has treated me so well I’ve always felt like I’d won the lottery.
We’ve always discussed going back to aus at some stage especially after kids and he’s always said he will give it a go out there.
Anyway 9 years of happy marriage we were definitely a ‘party’ couple for many years and had a very busy social life most of our friends are younger than us. And are only just starting to have families.
Anyways we now have 2 beautiful ivf babies (ivf worked first time both times - so didn’t really put much of a strain on our marriage).
After our daughter was born 2.5 years ago my husband was the best father. I was jealous watching him all my friends were also jealous he was perfect. We decided to have another baby last year he is now 4 months old.
We’ve always had a great marriage been best of friends but I guess having kids has put a huge strain on things especially as I don’t have family around. Financially too as we live in a small flat (which was always temporary and never meant for us with 2 kids).
It was decided we would move to aus after we had baby husband has been trying to get a transfer with work.
So 6 months ago life was great I was heavily pregnant and was thinking about moving back home.
Anyway about 8 months into pregnancy I could see a change in my husband. He started becoming withdrawn, not sleeping well, not interested in family life or getting enjoyment out of it, not really listening to me when I spoke or excited about the baby. I kept asking him what was wrong, whether it was me he kept saying ‘he didn’t know he’d sort it.
(During my pregnancy a lot went on in terms of him working really hard to get a promotion and me really struggling)
He started a new and stressful role at work a month before baby comes. Baby comes and he found paternity leave very stressful especially with our toddler, he was in tears a lot saying he didn’t feel happy he knew he should he didn’t know why. I was very worried about depression he kept saying he didn’t think it was that and he’d sort it.
Since then it’s spiralled our of control. He has continued to pull away from me and completely emotionally shut down. He’s told me he can never move to aus and feels so guilty as the relationship is one sided, hes irritable with the kids, very impatient with everything jobs around the house, driving etc. Has started to drink more.
I kept asking whether it was our marriage that was making him so unhappy and kept expressing how unloved and how unsupported I felt but nothing seemed to help. He agreed to see a therapist.
Anyway then he tells me it is our marriage making him unhappy but we could fix it.
As he couldn’t move to aus I was looking into other areas we could afford a house - close to his work. He wouldn’t engage. Kept saying he doesnt know what he wants which started to scare me. . He completely shut me out. I kept trying to fix things for him and do nice things for him this didn’t help. Eventually one night he told me he would be going to stay with a friend he needed space.
We meet up a few nights later and he told me he wanted to leave me.
My whole world ended. Was the worst moment of my life. I’m on mat leave I earn soooo much less than him and we are struggling as it is. His family are my only family and we have all the same friends.
After seeing how upset I was and knowing how hard it is with 2 small kids he agreed to move back in (most of the week - staying at a mates some night to have space) and go to relate counselling.
He is still affectionate to me and we still have sex. He says he does love me but he hasn’t been happy for a while (about a year - which is when I got pregnant). He says he feels numb and empty and he has lost himself.says he can’t give me what I want. Says he doesn’t get to do any of things he enjoys anymore and he doesn’t know how to be happy. Keeps reassuring me if the worst happens he won’t screw me and the kids over financially. He thinks it means he love me less as he can’t move to aus and he’s struggling to put mine and the kids happiness before his own and feels very guilty about it. He says he’s sick of the same old fights (which only generally occur when he wants to go out and do loads of stuff and leave me at home - this is especially hard as he’s often away with work so I’m often flying solo as it is.
I’m terrified. I’d thought about what I’d do if he died but never ever imagined this. It seems so out of character that he would do this to me when I have just had a baby I’m still breastfeeding. I’ve got so much to lose I don’t know how I’d ever cope. I’d be stuck in England and not have any money for trips home etc as a single mum. I’d lose all his family who I’m so close to.
I feel like I’m walking on egg shells living like a doormat too scared to push him away for good. I can’t see a future without him I love him so much and can’t believe it’s come to this out of the blue (for me). I’m angry he shut me out.
I’m trying so hard to be strong and give him space but I feel abandon.
He has all the power and it’s awful. He’s promised he will go to the doctor to see about depression as he has many symptoms. I feel like it’s all my fault for nagging and being controlling. He is a good man so I’m busy looking for excuses for his behaviour and feel desperate and a bit pathetic trying to get him to show me some
Love back. He wants to keep all our plans together as normal and says he can’t even think about us being with other people or not spending time together. When I talk about practicalities of separation he says ‘stop it’s too sad’ Or ‘it hasn’t happened yet’ I don’t think he really has a plan.
I’m all over the place and not able to enjoy being with the children. I’ve had a few meltdowns telling him he is going to ruin my life and begged him not to leave. He’s always comforted me and says he feels awful.
It’s so hard being with him but not feeling loved back.
I don’t know what to do.
If you’re still with me well done!! Not sure why I’m posting. Just seeing if anyone has been through anything similar. Is he having some sort of crisis that he needs some time to sort out? Or is he only still here because he feels guilty?
I can’t believe he could leave me with these 2 small children. I trusted him.
There is def no one else. I’m sure of that.

Saying all that it took me a long time to forgive and forget.
It might have been the depression but I was scared about having kids with him incase it was too much and he decided to try and leave again, or worse. There is a long history of depression and suicide in his family.
He still has some bad days but we get through them, nothing like it was.
We decided together that what we had was worth fighting for, thinking back I don't think I gave him much choice.
I think he said he was thinking about leaving and I said he wasnt allowed 😳
I would just explore the Avenue of depression first. Especially with such a lot of stress triggers all happening fairly swiftly.

I can't offer any help or advice at all op but have read the thread and there is so much here. I just wanted to say I hope it works out positively for you.

I think you should get yourself to Oz to be near your family. This man has left emotionally and physically. Take care op.

Why is it so obvious he's having an affair? Genuinely curious. With male mental health being such a massive issue, if we shouted affair every time then things would be even worse.

I'm not saying he isn't, but how can everyone on here be so sure?

I'm sorry OP, you are in a very difficult position. I'd also suggest GP as an initial port of call.

He sounds as if he is depressed and needs some help. Perinatal depression is very under-recognised in Dads- there’s a decent Aussie webpage here: healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/pregnancy-and-new-parents/dadvice-for-new-dads/anxiety-and-depression-in-new-dads but I don’t know what the uk equivalent is.

He is depressed.

Sadly, the thing depressed men do in order to 'feel alive' is to have an affair. And they justify that by blaming their wives for 'trapping' them.

And here, I have no advice. You can't make a man face his issues especially as men are socialised to 'blame outwards' (women 'blame inwards')

Focus on yourself. Work on your life, your babies, your friendship groups. Stop begging him and doing the 'pick me' dance. Be frugal and try to squirrel money.

Live as though you are alone. Otherwise, you get into the vicious circle you describe where you are hanging on and he is pulling away.

Thanks for all your replies. It really isn’t an affair. His dad had one and he watched it destroy his mother. He’s never gotten over it. I do think he is depressed he has booked a GP apt this week won’t let me me go with him but realises he’s not acting himself.
He isn’t immature and is very reliable everyone always came to him for advice and has always been seen as a bit of a role model to his mates. This is why this is all so out of character.
We’ve agreed the nights he can stay at his friends to give him some space as he is very much struggling around the children (becomes stressed so easily) and then gets upset with himself and it has been tense around here.
As others have mentioned moving to aus isn’t an option sadly.
I know he is acting like a selfish pr**k but if he is depressed I think he needs to sort that out first before he makes any life changing decisions. We have couples counselling next week.
He’s family are the posh type so don’t talk much. Say they’re here for all us etc.
I think I may speak to him about going to aus just for a few weeks for a break.

He sounds depressed to me too. My husband went through similar, though it didn't get as bad. Sertraline was life changing, but it did eat up about 4 years of our lives. It's incomparably better now, after therapy. He's not on medication any more, it just got us through the worst bit.

Go Back To Australia.

You're on a hiding to nowhere with this lad. He's keeping you in a tortuous limbo.

It'll never ever be like it used to be. Grieve the past..... But move back home.

I mean the thing is, he's a shit father.

He's just not cut out for it, clearly.

Whatever you decide try not to let this ruin your 1st precious year with your new baby. This has all become about him and it shouldn’t be. Make sure you join baby groups and get out there and get a support group. You need to start building a life away from him and protecting yourself. Why do you need to speak to him about going to Aus? Just tell him that’s what you are doing. He’s put you through crap and you need a break. You’re giving him too much power.

Im a mental health nurse- even if it is depression you need to put some boundaries down..

Moving out , staying over , having sex at his wish just isn't acceptable.

And not letting you go to the doctor with him is a red flag for me.

Stop having sex with him FGS. He gets all the prizes doesn't he?
He gets full night's sleep at his mates.( or mate ess)
You dance around him trying to win him back
You get nothing in return, just all the weight of bringing up the children & then are screwed over again as you can't even take your children that he doesn't want home.

Also nobody can diagnose depression on an internet forum.

So please beware posters saying "he is depressed" - this is what i do day in day out for a living and even if he is depressed his behaviour is still unacceptable.

His behaviour toward you is a choice- there is absolutely no need for him to move out and leave you with 2 babies.
Thats not illness talking- it's selfishness.

Put some limits down for his behaviour.

Yeah you’re right. Good to see it pointed out in a list like that. A lot of the pressure he has been under has definitely came from me. Which is maybe why he’s blaming the relationship.
We have also renovated our flat during this time which has also been very stressful.
He has a GP apt for Thursday. So fingers crossed they recognise he has depression.

I'd be in Oz with my family by now.

He sounds like a selfish prick to me and to sound lovely. You'll be ok

I think you are so frightened that you've already decided what you want the cause to be regardless of whether that is the true cause.

So I think you will only listen to one type of poster , telling you its all down to depression. ( as i said no one can diagnose depression over the internet & even if it were depression it doesn't excuse all his behaviour).

Sadly I think you have a rough time ahead not least because you won't put any boundaries down.

Good luck OP.

You're hoping depression is the explanation for this but even if he is depressed it doesn't give him the right to act like a selfish prick and to put you through such turmoil. It can be a horribly selfish illness and he does sound horribly selfish

Do you know Ive got two kids there's times when I'm unhappy, when I wish we had more money to do different things, that life was easier and more casual but you know what two kids is hard any children are a slog at times but if you are a decent person You just live with the decisions that you've made

Yep, mental health problem. I am guessing with two young children neither of you are not getting much sleep, either? I struggled with major anxiety when both of mine were under 3, just due to exhaustion and sheer hard work that accompanies them.

I am glad to hear he has an appointment and I would recommend looking into your options. I found it telling "he has all the power". No, he does not. If your marriage breaks ddown, push for 50/50 residency that allows you to work and shares the childcare bill. You may also be eligible for benefit help. It's also possible you can agree a parenting arrangement that allows you to return to Australia: amicable long distance co-parenting is possible. A few of my friends are doing it.

Finally, give yourself some credit. You are the one with the cozy home, the children and a clear future. He does not.

Look at all scenarios OP and what your options could be.
Do you have family back home?
Could you move back there with the DC?
Sorry, but I'm with others. This sounds like an affair.
I really hope it's not but please be prepared.
You say he works away so he has plenty of opportunities.
Do you have access to his phone or devices?

A lot of the pressure he has been under has definitely came from me.

No! Why would you think this?

The fact is DF had an affair doesn't mean he will not himself sadly. Regardless of what he says or even believes.

It may make it more likely.

I’m sorry but it sounds to me like me wants to leave you and keeps bottling it because it doesn’t fit in with his “nice guy” image to ditch the mum of his two small children.

What a horrible situation OP I do echo what others have said get a flight home and go. You have to do what is best for you and the children I'm afraid staying as you are hoping for a depression diagnosis will not change things. It takes a fair few months for medication and counselling to begin to work and even then there is no guarantee that this is what he has. Don't let him continue to dictate things to you take some control back you will feel better I promise. Thinking of you and sending lots of love