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Original poster

How to get out of a no-sex rut?!

79 replies

kitandkaboodle28 · 21/07/2019 22:08

I'm 35, dp is 48. Been together three years, getting married next year and very happy.

But...our sex life is massively lacking. After the initial honeymoon phase it gradually went down and down and we probably only do it about once a month now. I know he takes viagra (I have seen the boxes, we've never actively discussed it) but is quite open about the fact that he's always had low libido. He just doesn't feel the urge often and if he's not in the mood then it just won't happen. He's had tests - hormone levels all normal so feels to me like a psychological thing or ED anxiety?

Because our relationship is otherwise great I've Learnt to live with it to an extent but it does get my down at times. I'll admit I have become lazy myself - put on weight, lounge around in joggers most nights and rarely initiate sex due to fear of being rejected.

I'm just wondering if anyone can advise any ways to try and spice things up or maybe bring it up as conversation to try and work towards a compromise that we're both happy with?

I have to stress he's really affectionate and tactile in other ways and he has reassured me that he does find me attractive (although I question that at times). Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
kitandkaboodle28 · 21/07/2019 22:28

Anyone?

OP posts:
matahairyy · 21/07/2019 22:33

I read an article about sexless marriages. Shared. Said to h this is not us. We agreed. Simply had more sex. You’ve just got to get on with it

matahairyy · 21/07/2019 22:34

Also omg lose weight. Loooose it. Stop eating shit. This will do wonders

Original poster
kitandkaboodle28 · 21/07/2019 22:38

Suppose there's a fine line between being proactive/initiating it and pressuring him to do something he doesn't really want :/

I just wish he did want it more!

Losing weight will help me feel more confident and maybe make me more attractive to him although he always tells me he loves me as I am.

OP posts:
LimitIsUp · 21/07/2019 22:38

If he has a low libido nothing will change that - you just have to decide whether you can accept this or not

PicsInRed · 21/07/2019 22:40

There's no help for this.
This is how it will be - worse actually, once he's got you married, worse again, once he's got the kids manufactured and birthed. Yes, it's that grim.

Is this how you see the next 50+ years of your life?

Original poster
kitandkaboodle28 · 21/07/2019 22:42

@PicsInRed no it's certainly not ideal but it's not the be all and end all when he's so perfect in every other way

OP posts:
LimitIsUp · 21/07/2019 23:14

You're right it isn't the be all and end all and if you can get your head around it and still see merit in continuing your relationship then there is nothing wrong with that

MMmomDD · 21/07/2019 23:20

OP - you need to be very clear with yourself about what you are getting into.
This isn’t a case of any psychological issue or fear of ED. He TOLD you he’s always had low libido. This isn’t changing.
People always say - men get married hoping the woman doesn’t change; while women get married hoping the man will change.
You need to make peace with the current situation and it will only diminish over time.

I sincerely hope you won’t be back on here a few years down the line saying how sexless marriage had destroyed your self confidence and is making you miserable.

CandidCat · 21/07/2019 23:59

Sex is what keeps a relationship loving and happy when life's little stresses put you at each others' throats, which happens eventually in every long term relationship. Unrequited lust on the other hand leads to low self esteem and unhappiness as well as comfort eating in some cases. It sounds like you have already started down this road. Please think seriously about your future physical and mental health before you tie the knot.Flowers

Runkle · 22/07/2019 00:05

I personally think you should pause on getting married before this is resolved. This is already affecting your mental health and wellbeing and he's not been open with you about the viagra use. Don't accept this as your norm.

M0RVEN · 22/07/2019 00:05

You said it yourself.

He is quite open about the fact that he's always had low libido.

You only have sex when he want to, not when you want to. He’s quite happy the way things are, why should he change ?

This, now, is the best it’s ever going to be. He’s 48, it’s all downhill from here.

Are you sure you want to marry him knowing this ?

Dommina · 22/07/2019 00:07

Could he use toys on you? X

Speakercube · 22/07/2019 00:16

Unless he's depressed and treated( I realise you haven't said he's depressed I) then his libido won't change. You just have to decide how important it is to you and whether you might resent this in years to come. After all he's told you what you're getting((or not in this case-sorry! Grin) so he's being honest apart from the viagra of course. If you're levels are too different this could cause huge problems with frustration on your part and him feeling pressure. A difficult one if he's lovely in general though OP.

Mintychoc1 · 22/07/2019 00:30

M0RVEN are you suggesting he should have sex when he doesn’t want to? Because surely no one would advocate that.

DragonNoodleCake · 22/07/2019 00:47

In my experience it doesn't get better, this is a sign of things to come. It will start to get to you - it definitely did become a problem for me.

Original poster
kitandkaboodle28 · 22/07/2019 07:32

I wouldn't say he is dishonest about the Viagra - he makes little attempt to hide the boxes but I've never brought it up as I realise it could be a delicate issue for him.

Yes he's been honest about the low libido and I guess I foolishly optimistically thought there might be some things I could do to change this but maybe that's not the case.

It isn't going to be a deal breaker. I love him dearly and once a month isn't never. I wouldn't leave him over this.

OP posts:
Anothernick · 22/07/2019 07:48

It's hard to reconcile the fact that you had "an initial honeymoon phase" with your dps claim that he has a low libido. if he was up for it more often at that time then that suggests his libido may not be the issue. Do you know if he uses porn or masturbates? Only having sex once a month, and requiring viagra for that, is not normal for a man in his forties, low libido or not. Ther may be deeper issues here.

Original poster
kitandkaboodle28 · 22/07/2019 07:52

Well even during the honeymoon phase it wasn't all that often 🙈 but yes it's dwindled over time.

I don't know about the porn thing. Tbh he rarely has the time! He's very open with his phone and tech, things are always left lying about so I don't feel he has much to hide in that respect. But I can't know for sure I suppose.

I wish I knew what if anything the deeper issues are. I do try to bring it up but the answer always come back low libido and I can't really argue with that. But the 'that's just how it is attitude' isn't exactly helping.

As I said we do have intimacy in terms of kisses, cuddles, and so on. It's not like there's no affection. It's just the lack of sex. I wish I could find a proactive and sensitive way to address it further

OP posts:
lawnmowingsucks · 22/07/2019 07:56

He has a low libido. I'm not clear why there has to be anything more deep than that. You decide if that enough for you. Or not.

My guess is that if you get fit, lose weight, start to feel sexy again - it won't be enough for you

Don't get married until you've sussed this out

PurpleWithRed · 22/07/2019 08:06

He has low libido. He's just not that interested, and he never has been. Why does there have to be a deeper issue - why is he 'wrong' to not want as much sex as you, why must there be a 'deeper issue'? This is not an illness or something he should be fixing and he was pretty open with you from the beginning. This is your problem and him having to change to suit you doesn't seem all that fair.

We see many many posts on Mumsnet about men with higher libidos than their partners and there is a tendency to brand these blokes as insensitive sex pests who should be respecting their partner's lower libido. There is also a tendency to sympathise with a woman whose DH has stopped trying to be attractive but still expects his woman to lust after him.

Maybe you could consider what you feel you are missing out on - does sex equate with love for you but not for him so you feel unloved? or do you just enjoy a good orgasm? Does it give you a confidence boost? This is more likely to help than a trip to Ann Summers.

CatInADoghouse · 22/07/2019 08:21

I agree with purple. This is normal for him. He doesn't have a problem or deep issue to be fixed. Fair enough if he had a high libido and sex just suddenly stopped but he was honest about his libido from the start. There's usually one person with a higher libido than the other and you'll have to respect that. Have you considered how your sex life will be in the years after you get married? After having children? It's common for sex to take a back seat. I think this is your problem and you need to decide if this amount of sex if enough for you and if you can accept that it might decrease further. I'm sorry if you don't find 'that's how it is' helpful but it really is how it is.

Original poster
kitandkaboodle28 · 22/07/2019 08:25

To be honest if it genuinely is just a case of low libido I can live with that no matter how frustrating it gets at times.

But if I'm being truthful with myself I'm a massive over thinker and I always find myself wondering if there's more to it. Is it me? Am
I not attractive to him? Is he using porn (no evidence of this)? Basically is there some other deeper reason that he doesn't want sex because you're right, a lot of the posts on here seem to be about women who don't want it as much as men. Not usually the other way around.

For me I just miss that physical intimacy and as I said, it worries me why it isn't there. When we get down to dtd it's really really enjoyable so I guess it's just frustrating that it's not more often.

OP posts:
womaninthedark · 22/07/2019 08:28

Don't marry this non-fucker. You'll feel unwanted and unloved. And frustrated. Don't do that to yourself.

lawnmowingsucks · 22/07/2019 08:44

For me I just miss that physical intimacy and as I said, it worries me why it isn't there.

And this is going to be default for the rest of your life should you decide to stay with him

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