How to get out of a no-sex rut?!

[kitandkaboodle28]

I'm 35, dp is 48. Been together three years, getting married next year and very happy.

But...our sex life is massively lacking. After the initial honeymoon phase it gradually went down and down and we probably only do it about once a month now. I know he takes viagra (I have seen the boxes, we've never actively discussed it) but is quite open about the fact that he's always had low libido. He just doesn't feel the urge often and if he's not in the mood then it just won't happen. He's had tests - hormone levels all normal so feels to me like a psychological thing or ED anxiety?

Because our relationship is otherwise great I've Learnt to live with it to an extent but it does get my down at times. I'll admit I have become lazy myself - put on weight, lounge around in joggers most nights and rarely initiate sex due to fear of being rejected.

I'm just wondering if anyone can advise any ways to try and spice things up or maybe bring it up as conversation to try and work towards a compromise that we're both happy with?

I have to stress he's really affectionate and tactile in other ways and he has reassured me that he does find me attractive (although I question that at times). Help!

As you say, it's his attitude that's the problem. If he is saying that he has a low libido and you'll just have to accept it and live with hardly any sex for ever then you need to think very seriously if that is acceptable, leaving aside the sexual side of things, he may take that attitude to other aspects of your relationship in the future. What he should be saying is that he understands that your sex drive is higher than his and you need to work out how he can help, using toys perhaps or finding another way of doing it, if he isn't willing to engage with it that is a bit of a red flag IMO.

Is low libido always immutable? Can it really not be changed?
For women it will change over the course of a lifetime, over a month due to hormones, over the period of a relationship, and can be extinguished through repeated rejection, or stoked by feeling desired, valued, loved or because of novelty.

Why is male libido thought to be an intractable fixed thing?

If he had a higher libido in the beginning, it's likely driven by novelty, as it is with most men.

For some women it will change over time Mini - but others have a lifelong low sex drive. Asexuality is not properly recognised

It sounds like the OP's partner knows he has a low libido - he has told her so as its been a forever thing for him, so yes its likely to be immutable.

Higher willingness to engage in sex at the beginning in the honeymoon phase does not necessarily mean higher libido back then, more likely just a greater determination / willingness to please

losing weight won't make you more attractive to him however losing weight can give you more confidence in yourself & your body which in turn can make you sexier.

Not had sex for months and to be honest we don't really miss it, he's 55 and I'm 50.
I get very bad IBS and being 'jiggled' around makes me ill.
No very romantic...

I guess it's very dependent on how important sex is. Yes I miss it, no it's not a deal breaker.

However the lack of communication and the 'this is how it is' attitude is worrying for me.

Have you ever asked him why he won't discuss it OP? Explaining that you're not trying to make him discuss it, you'd just like to know why he always closes you down? If you knew that it was purely embarrassment stopping him it might at least alleviate your worries that it's an overall issue with communication.

Not that I think that makes it ok actually, I'm not sure I could marry someone whose inability to communicate (for whatever reason) meant they made unilateral decisions about how the relationship would work. But understanding why he won't discuss it might give you some insight into what the problem actually is so I think it's worth asking the question if you haven't already.

It's not that he totally closes me down. His explanation is that he has low libido and there's really not a lot else to say about it. He can't make himself change, there's very little he can do about it. He's explained that he's had testosterone tests that came back normal, he doesn't really know why he's like this but he is.

What do I say to that?

If I push it I feel like I'm pressuring him on an issue that is clearly quite delicate and that he can't really do a lot about. I guess it's frustrating because I feel like I would want to do more to make him happy and fulfilled if there were an area of the relationship where he felt hard done to.

You have mismatched sex drives. End if. No amount of help will change the situation. If you're happy with it the fine, if not then you should certainly not get married. IfI were you I'd end it. Its only going to get worse I couldn't be with someone who didnt want to be intimate as much as me. I've 52 & 2-3 times a week is my ideal.

What do I say to that?

I think I'd be inclined to say 'you should have told me from the get-go'

This can't work out well imo

Appreciate all the comments. Always varying opinions on stuff like this - some saying it's my problem, others saying LTB (standard MN 🙈)

I'm obviously very reluctant to leave an otherwise great guy and wonderful relationship. I've had many relationships in the past where the sex may have been more frequent but the men themselves were useless partners. My dp is kind, generous, shared interests and values. We have a great time together and have built a lovely life. I can see why it would be a deal breaker for some though.

You started a MN thread about it so you mustn't be perfectly sanguine

My DH and I have been together for 20 years we rarely have sex. We both have low sex drives, mine was lower at the start and I suffer with vaginismus. I think his drive has lowered over the years to match mine. We are very happy together and it’s not a deal breaker.......for us. I don’t think sex is the b all and end all.

Difficult dilemma for you. If his "I can't help it" attitude is confined to this and otherwise he is fine then maybe you could live with it. But looking back over my own 30 year relationship with my DW I'm not sure that we would have stuck together through the bad times were it not for a strong sexual attraction - it's hard to be angry with someone who regularly gives you mind blowing sex. Makes your other problems seems less important. But if you are sufficiently committed I guess you could find a way forward.

Get yourself a doxy!

But @Carrie76 that works for you. It doesn't for the OP. She is only 35 & by the sounds of it wants a loving, intimate sex life. Her dp cant give her that.

I'm sorry OP but this isn't going to get better. He may be a lovely guy & you have a lit it common.....but not the sex. As you said? you've had worse partner, but they were better in bed. You just need to find a balance between the 2. I don't think you should "settle" just because he is a nice bloke & you get on. If sex is important to you then you need to find someone who matches you in that department.

You're too young to get into a sexless marriage,I was 32 when I skipped out of mine.Best decision ever.

Sexless surely means not at all. At least I'm getting it once a month 😂

At least I'm getting it once a month 😂

And that's ok for you?

It's not ideal but it's better than never.

Then why start the thread? None of this makes any sense. If you're basically ok with sex once a month and a husband who has a low libido - what on Earth were you wanting any of us to say?

Ideally I would like it to be more. I was initially asking for tips on how to try and spice things up or help increase his libido. Perhaps that's not possible.

That was the point but as is the case with many a thread on MN, LTB is rolled out immediately along with lots of passive aggressive posters who seem to want to convince me that I'm set for a life of misery.

I have found a guy who I love dearly and who loves me. No relationship is perfect. I was asking for tips on how to improve one area of our relationship that is lacking. I really don't get the mentality of dropping someone who is fundamentally good just because they don't quite hit the mark in one way. No wonder relationships don't last long these days if that's how the majority of people think.

I really am grateful for the sensible and helpful comments and those who have spoken about their own experience.

Ok @kitandkaboodle28, I'll tell you how to spice it up. Wear hold-up & a short skirt. try having anal sex. Try a bit of sub/dom stuff - let him spank you & tie you up. Watch porn together. Try having a 3-some, or go to a swinging club.

Do you think that will work ?? Does it for me but I have a high sex drive & have done all that with my previous partners- but then we had matched sex drives. You dont & your dp has a low libido. Spicing things up isn't the same as having more sex. You cant change the way he is.....just the way you cant change if he was gay or asexual.

OP, I think you're viewing this as a problem you can "fix". Because it's not meeting your needs & you are not happy.

Is it your "problem" to "fix", though?

In other words, your DP doesn't seem to view it as a "problem" & doesn't want to "fix" it.

So it's your choice to stay or go.

I find it quite sad that he won't try to meet your sexual needs eg sex toys, oral etc.

Does he try to meet your needs in other parts of the relationship? Or is it all on his terms?

And lastly, do you plan to start a family with him? Because, if so, it's pretty difficult to get pregnant without regular sex (2-3 x per week).

It's not ideal but it's better than never.

With these guys, it inevitably becomes "never". Once you've had kids (or even just "kid"), that'll be it. Zero sex forever.

Are you up for zero sex, forever? He won't necessarily continue to be interpersonally nice to you either. He may even come to attempt for blame YOU for the lack of sex, in order to allow himself to feel like a "normal bloke". He may cheat on you, using novelty to become aroused. Are you ready for the pain of accommodating this sort of "relationship", then potentially being cheated on after years of a sexless relationship, and being confronted with his blaming of you?

Think very carefully, OP. This is a man-type that too many of us have actual experience with, across the full lifecycle of the relationship.