How to get out of a no-sex rut?!

[kitandkaboodle28]

I'm 35, dp is 48. Been together three years, getting married next year and very happy.

But...our sex life is massively lacking. After the initial honeymoon phase it gradually went down and down and we probably only do it about once a month now. I know he takes viagra (I have seen the boxes, we've never actively discussed it) but is quite open about the fact that he's always had low libido. He just doesn't feel the urge often and if he's not in the mood then it just won't happen. He's had tests - hormone levels all normal so feels to me like a psychological thing or ED anxiety?

Because our relationship is otherwise great I've Learnt to live with it to an extent but it does get my down at times. I'll admit I have become lazy myself - put on weight, lounge around in joggers most nights and rarely initiate sex due to fear of being rejected.

I'm just wondering if anyone can advise any ways to try and spice things up or maybe bring it up as conversation to try and work towards a compromise that we're both happy with?

I have to stress he's really affectionate and tactile in other ways and he has reassured me that he does find me attractive (although I question that at times). Help!

hello OP

You talk about "properly planning" what to say in order to get "results".

It's as if you can only talk to him if you (a) know how it's going to go down and (b) know what the outcome will be. If I do A and B, then C.

But if you really open up to each other who knows what will come out. You may well have very angry feelings towards him. He may say things that a very hurtful to you if he is really honest. You aren't in control at all even if you think you are by choosing your moment and planning what to say.

You can't predict these things and that might be what makes it so hard for you both to really be intimate and let go. It's easier superficially to say this is generally wonderful, it's just the sex and surely there is a fix.

But if you are really intimate - who knows what floodgates might open. Can you bear the vulnerability and how scary it feels, and still stick together.

The reality is that having a truly authentic relationship with another person is hard work and often painful, involving many difficult feelings. But the rewards are very great if you can bear the difficult feelings and know something about them.

If you can talk about how much you hurt and disappoint each other as well as love each other, without the relationship falling apart, then real love can grow and grow strong, too.

Good luck.

DH and I both have quite low sex drives and we have to remind each other that we haven't had sex in a while 😆 When we do have it, it's great and like a PP said I've started to try to ensure it's at least once a week. But we love each other very much and are both perfectly happy with the intimacy that we have. We've had a lot of IVF though and for a while beforehand, sex seemed like a chore to try and get pregnant.

@Bumpsadaisie I think OP means she needs to plan how to best bring it up as sensitively as possible so he doesn't dismiss her and shut her down because he's embarrassed. I read the 'best result' as being an honest and open conversation and not trying to predict what he will say and therefore do as a result. This is how i read into that. I could be wrong! I do the same thing as this with people because my mind goes blank otherwise.

Thanks for explaining what I mean far better than I can @CatInADoghouse 🙈

He keeps asking me what's wrong and still can't quite seem to verbalise things