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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to get out of a no-sex rut?!

79 replies

kitandkaboodle28 · 21/07/2019 22:08

I'm 35, dp is 48. Been together three years, getting married next year and very happy.

But...our sex life is massively lacking. After the initial honeymoon phase it gradually went down and down and we probably only do it about once a month now. I know he takes viagra (I have seen the boxes, we've never actively discussed it) but is quite open about the fact that he's always had low libido. He just doesn't feel the urge often and if he's not in the mood then it just won't happen. He's had tests - hormone levels all normal so feels to me like a psychological thing or ED anxiety?

Because our relationship is otherwise great I've Learnt to live with it to an extent but it does get my down at times. I'll admit I have become lazy myself - put on weight, lounge around in joggers most nights and rarely initiate sex due to fear of being rejected.

I'm just wondering if anyone can advise any ways to try and spice things up or maybe bring it up as conversation to try and work towards a compromise that we're both happy with?

I have to stress he's really affectionate and tactile in other ways and he has reassured me that he does find me attractive (although I question that at times). Help!

OP posts:
missyB1 · 22/07/2019 20:31

My experience is the sex will dwindle to even less than once a month and after a child (if you actually manage to get pregnant at all), then it may just dry up completely. He has been honest with you he has a low libido, he’s 48 now, I suspect his libido will decrease even more as he gets older. As long as you accept that and are totally comfortable with it then fine.
What worries me is you can’t even talk to him about the Viagra. What is going on with your communication? There shouldn’t be taboo subjects. The two of you need to discuss the future of your sex life.

AmIaskingfortoomuch · 22/07/2019 20:40

OMG, are you me? Just started a thread on the exact same thing.

AmIaskingfortoomuch · 22/07/2019 20:47

Ok @kitandkaboodle28, I'll tell you how to spice it up. Wear hold-up & a short skirt. try having anal sex. Try a bit of sub/dom stuff - let him spank you & tie you up. Watch porn together. Try having a 3-some, or go to a swinging club

Do you think that will work ?? Does it for me but I have a high sex drive & have done all that with my previous partners- but then we had matched sex drives

Fucks sake! Yeah, cos a bloke with no sex drive will really be up for all that shit. And then this poster says he has a high sex drive. How on earth is this remotely helpful when someone is stuck with a person who doesn't have any sex drive?

Aargh!

M0RVEN · 22/07/2019 20:54

So @kitandkaboodle28 want to change your partner. Lots of MNers tell you that’s neither possible nor fair.

So you then get angry and call people names. Nice.

You should also look up what “passive aggressive “ means BTW.

raspberryk · 22/07/2019 21:09

If you're happy in a celibate marriage woth no kids then sure go ahead.
I'd leave if my partner didn't even want to address the issue.

kitandkaboodle28 · 22/07/2019 21:12

@M0RVEN urgh I don't want to change him! I've spent the last however many posts saying how much I love him and what a great guy he is. I was simply looking for some advice on how to perhaps get things going again. Maybe it's not possible to enhance low libido but I'm probably not helping my slobbing out in my joggers every night.

I clearly do feel a bit sad about it and it's disheartening to hear so much negativity and people telling me to ditch the man I love. But if that's the perspective of others then so be it.

I also haven't called anyone names. At all.

OP posts:
Paramicha · 22/07/2019 21:20

It's not spicing up that's needed you just need to get on with it. You won't change his libido though, it's what it's like, especially as men get older.
My rampant sex mad dh, who once shared my rampant libido has started to slow down a bit, cut once out a week, he's early 50's.

MoreProseccoNow · 22/07/2019 21:34

OP, why don't you ask him if he is happy with your sex life & if not ways it could be improved?

It takes two to tango & you seem to be tying yourself in knots trying to fix this, whilst he seems happy?

BiBabbles · 23/07/2019 00:04

Testosterone is not the only thing that can be at play healthwise, other hormones and nutritional deficiencies, among other things, can affect libido and sexual function.

My sex drive has fluctuated, but generally on the lower side especially as I've gotten older. Sometimes that has been due to health issues I've described above. Other times it's hard to say. I've read around the topic a bit and asked my far higher sex drive spouse his opinion. This only works really if you're both open and up for it (pun not originally intended, but let's go with it).

His advice was: be patient, but not subtle. Patience and communication is key. Like others said, you can't really make someone horny. Bodies are complicated and assumptions can cause problems. We sometimes fall into ruts because I don't think he's interested or serious for reasons and he doesn't think I am due to my libido & neither of us wants to pressure the other. This plus my libido has what I call inertia issues. I've read and heard more technical terms, but it's the easiest way for me to explain it. I often remain at rest & could not care less until intimacy already gets beyond a certain point to move my brain to remembers that this can be more fun than work or watching TV. I can be perfectly happy without it, but I'd be just as if not more happier with the right nudges along the way, I just don't tend to think about it.

So, my DH has to communicate his interest because, for some reason even after many years knowing this, I'm prone to doubting his interest or think he's joking, so he sometimes needs to do this as bluntly as 'yes, I'd like sex if you do' and I have to communicate both when I'm am actively interested and when I am open to trying even if we both know the switch from rest might not happen or I might end up with a flare-up that is a real mood killer. Sometimes it's with words, sometimes its signals like in the winter I would turn the heater on in our room.

Another idea, brought on by my health issues meaning my body is not reliable - what is great one day can be painful the next - is, this feels a bit silly typing out, but having a list of things to try and having games that come up with ideas. Due to the above issues, I often don't know where to start and overthink it (what if it does wrong, what if my body doesn't cooperate, and so on) so picking off of a premade list or playing a game like - I've forgotten the title of, but it can be found on LoveHoney, it looks and works like connect 4 except the pieces have ideas on them. Some of the ideas are just fun like "naked pillow fight". There are plenty of other that are similar for coming up with ideas but that one works well for us. It takes some of the negative tension and pressure off of things which, as the low libido partner, can be an issue. Sometimes it's suggesting a game or very blunt "I'm going to shower and masturbate, do you want to join me or watch?" to get out of the inertia.

All of these do require both people's cooperation, interest, patience, and communication. As others said, I would ensure at the very least you have enough in place so you're not feeling down about it before marriage which is certainly not going to help on its own. Yes, it is not everything, but if having a low-libido partner is getting you down and you're having doubts, then something should be discussed and done.

1300cakes · 23/07/2019 01:21

I can see why he doesn't want to discuss it as there is really nothing to discuss. He isn't interested in sex. There's nothing deeper.

I'm in the same situation, our ages are 33 and 45 and we are married with 1 dc. It's depressing honestly but I'm happy in other ways so I've decided this is just something I have to live with.

My tip is don't try to spice things up by losing weight (unless its for yourself/health reasons), wearing lingerie, suggesting sex games or anything like that. I've tried all of these and when he ignores you when you are lying there, a new fit looking size 10 wearing beautiful expensive lingerie, the rejection is a million times worse. Instead, take advantage of the fact that he isn't bothered, and dress comfortably.

hadthesnip2 · 23/07/2019 01:32

For the record (and to answer AmIaskingtoo much, but reading her own thread I think she has her own problems)....no I dont think wearing sexy underwear or suggesting sex games will help. I was trying be be ironic (which was probably lost in translation) as OP was not listening to the many posters saying that you cant change someone with a low libido & she then specifically said she wanted to know how she could spice things up. I simply relluee how it would work generally for some people......but then added that it wouldnt work for her dp as he just isn't made that way.

MiniTheMinx · 23/07/2019 05:11

PicsinRed very pragmatic indeed, and probably very prophetic

kitandkaboodle28 · 23/07/2019 07:18

I went to bed feeling really low last night. Dp knows something is up.

I really have listened to what people have to say but there is a lot of conflicting advice. Some people saying there's nothing deeper. Others insinuating he might have novelty sex and isn't attracted to me! These are all things that have gone through my mind. I probably need to have another chat with him and see where we go.

It's hard to hear these things when you deeply love someone. I just want us both to be happy

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 23/07/2019 09:13

I'm not certain whether I agree with others that libido in men is a fixed thing. It's said that stress, tiredness, and depression can have an effect. So it can't be a fixed thing.

My comment about novelty was because I believe many men meet a need for novelty throughout their lives by being single, playing the field, or cheating. They may also look at porn but the focus will be on looking at the women. Another may meet the need for novelty in different ways, by being adventurous, experiment, and would probably watch porn with a focus on watching different acts. (I have no proof to my theory) it's just a hunch.

Women too get bored. There is more research around this. Many women loose their drive in a LTR.

My advice. ....OP you know this man better than any of us. Does he masturbate, watch porn, flirt with others, eye up women, does he like the lights out or does he want to swing from the chandeliers, did he initiate all the sex at the beginning, does he like to lead or is he more submissive, does or did he try to introduce new things, how experienced does he seem/claim to be? I could go on......you know him, and there will be clues to what is going on with him.

From my own experience I would say that libido is like a flame that starved of fuel or left unattended can be extinguished. I don't believe it's essentially that much different between men and women.

I hope you can work this out.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/07/2019 09:20

This won't improve OP, as everyone has already told you.
At 35-40 do you want a sexless marriage.
That is the say it is heading.
Do you want DC?
Do you want the same things in life?
Does he definitely want DC if you want them?

You need to discuss it though.
He needs to have an open discussion with you.
Would he attend sex therapy?

CatInADoghouse · 23/07/2019 09:20

Your situation sounds similar to my relationship. I've got a slightly higher libido than DH but not by much. I was the same trying to over think everything and be wondering if he didn't find me attractive anymore. Work stress and having a baby has brought our sex life to a stand still. I tried to spice things up and put him in a mood that just wasn't there no matter what I tried to do (as hadthesnip2 was trying to say, if it's not there it's just not there). I'd occasionally try to make an effort by sexy lingerie, nice dinners, losing weight, going to bed naked etc and when you're rejected it will knock your self confidence again and again so be careful if you do try to spice things up.

When I'm questioning myself "is it me?" That's my own insecurity to deal with because I know DH loves me and I know what his libido is like. We maintain intimacy in other ways and I'm happy with that. I'd rather have quality sex very infrequently than more often and DH feels like he's been pressured and only doing it because I want it. It would be completely wrong. I'd gladly sacrifice never having sex again for my DH because sex isn't a big deal for me. I'm sure people would tell me to 'LTB' but it's not a deal breaker for me. This works for us but I'm sure it wouldn't work for a lot of people.

I don't think people have been passive aggressive by drawing on their own experiences and only you can know if you'd be able to encourage his libido or if you could cope with a dwindling sex life. If he knows there's something on your mind then you need to have a long and open conversation with him. Talking about viagra shouldn't be embarrassing especially if you're considering getting married.

kitandkaboodle28 · 23/07/2019 10:02

I do appreciate all the comments.

To answer the questions, he isn't the type of man to ogle other women. I certainly don't believe he would cheat and I know he loves me. But the porn thing I'm not sure about. I've no evidence of it. He's open with his phone and iPad. So maybe it is just a case of low libido and nothing deeper.

I can cope with that if it's just that. But I guess the overthinking is what gets me down. Wondering if there's porn, wondering if it's me who just isn't doing it for him, wondering if there are deeper issues.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 23/07/2019 10:12

The uncertainty over porn use is fairly easily solved by looking!

kitandkaboodle28 · 23/07/2019 10:21

Looking where? I've looked at his phone and iPad and there is no evidence. But he could just delete the history

OP posts:
LimitIsUp · 23/07/2019 12:35

I was one of the posters suggesting that a low sex drive is a fairly fixed thing. I didn't suggest you ltb and I wasn't being passive aggressive. I also believe that many relationships can prosper despite lack of sex (especially when there is affection, love and mutual respect). I get that this is an upsetting subject for you but please don't lash out at posters contributing to the thread with honesty and good faith.

There may be deeper issues with his libido - who knows, perhaps something traumatising in the past? You can't insist that you have more sex but you can insist that he should be open to talking about it and answering any questions you may have

kitandkaboodle28 · 23/07/2019 13:01

Very sorry if it appears that I lashed out. As you said it's a very upsetting and confusing time for me and there have been a lot of Ltb type comments which aren't that helpful.

I get that some people maybe wouldn't be able to continue in this situation but I repeatedly said how much I love my partner and want to try and make things work. It's very hard to walk away from a meaningful relationship and a person you love just because one aspect of your relationship is lacking. People make it sound very easy on here but when there are families and homes and lives involved it's really not easy.

I really think I need to have a proper chat with dp and explain that I don't want to pressure him but I need to feel like we are being honest with each other and there aren't any deeper issues that he isn't disclosing. He has never brought the viagra thing up with me and I only know because I've seen the boxes. Perhaps he feels embarrassed about it? Again I don't want to put him on the spot but would be nice to understand things a bit more.

OP posts:
Bumpsadaisie · 23/07/2019 13:32

It does sound to me like you really don't communicate emotionally. You say you went to bed feeling low and that DP "knows something's up" - ie he has surmised it. But you haven't told him.

Likewise he has clearly gone out and bought viagra for himself without discussing this with you at all. You "know somethings up" about this too - you know about the viagra - but you haven't talked about it.

I think if you could get some real emotional intimacy (and vulnerability) kindled in the relationship, rather than sort of skirting around each other guessing what is going on and being afraid to upset the other, the sexual intimacy might follow on. It's hard to desire someone you can't really talk to fully.

I am sure it is a good relationship but I think you do yourself no favours by thinking of it as "otherwise perfect" in your mind.

It isn't - you have some real difficulties with emotional and sexual intimacy that you need to look at urgently, before babies come into the equation (a huge challenge for even the most solid and communicative marriage!).

It is normal to have to work hard at relationships like this so it's not a LTB from me. But you do have to get yourselves out of the comfort zone.

kitandkaboodle28 · 23/07/2019 13:44

Thank you @Bumpsadaisie I think you're probably right.

I'm finding it really hard to break down these barriers and just put it all out there. But I do need to find a way. We have a night without the kids tomorrow so maybe will have a glass of wine and try and discuss things then. The viagra is doctor prescribed - not sure how long he has had it for. May even have been before we got together.

I was upset last night and he was concerned but I had no energy and wasn't in the right frame of mind to discuss it last night before bed. I think I need to properly plan what I need to say and how I'm going to bring it up to get the best results.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/07/2019 13:50

I love my partner and want to try and make things work
But you can't save it all on your own.
If he won't engage then what other choice do you have?

Anothernick · 23/07/2019 13:56

Years ago when my DW and I had small children and the usual pressures of work etc etc seemed in danger of pushing sex off the agenda we made a deal that we should never go longer than a week without having it. This sometimes meant that we had a rather uninspiring quickie or that one of us masturbated the other but at least we kept the spark alive and in 30 years together we have probably not gone a week without on more than a handful of occasions, apart from the immediate aftermath of childbirth. Maybe you could try something like that, set a minimum which will put subtle pressure on both of you to keep at it? It worked for us, we still do it 2-3 times a week even though we are over 60 now.

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