Heartbroken

[sotosey]

The relationship with my mum isn't very good at the moment. She works full time and I have 17 month old twins. We hardly see each other anymore and I'm sad about it.

I don't expect any help from my mum but when I became pregnant I expected her to be besotted, wanting to see them often and enjoying their company. I'm lucky, my in laws are besotted and have so much to give. They see them one day a week and offer to take care of them so they can take care of them, bond and give us headspace. I use that time to work.

I can't really be bothered with my parents at the moment. I have too much to worry about and my mother probably has too, but it's just a sad case of affairs and I'm heartbroken. My mum doesn't want to work but feels she has to.

You say you don't expect your mum to mind them but then say you are glad your in-laws look after them.

So you do expect your mum to look after them and are annoyed she doesn't want to

Your mother should not be expected to mind your twins. She probably picks up on your resentment as clearly as I do.

I know but it's really hard. I'm stressed and sometimes feel I can't cope. I mean she isn't expected to help but it's like passing someone bleeding in the middle of the street. I try and help myself but she says unsupportive things such as she doesn't agree with childcare but I'm going back to work so I can have a break. It's not normal that one person should care for someone day in day out without their own lives. Back in the day we used to live in tribes, everyone chipping in and helping each other at different times.

I can see why you are disappointed OP. Things were similar for me, my mum hasn’t been interested in my children at all, now 18 & 16, her loss.

Just because she’s your mum, doesn’t make her naturally maternal. And it is hard to accept.

Lucky for us MIL has always had a very close relationship with our boys, all their lives, which has been lovely.

Sometimes we need to understand that our mums aren’t always the people we would like them to be. Not easy I know.

Agree with Windmillwhirl. You sound very entitled. This is not equivalent to passing someone bleeding in the street!

I'm going back to work so I can have a break. It's not normal that one person should care for someone day in day out without their own lives

Say what? Of course it’s normal, especially when you choose to have children

Back in the day we used to live in tribes, everyone chipping in and helping each other at different time

Long long long before you decided to get pregnant, it’s not exactly a recent change

They’re your children, you chose to have,

I can't really be bothered with my parents at the moment

Yet you think they should be looking after the children you chose to have & cant be bothered looking after yourself?!?!

There's more to this than your OP

It's not normal that one person should care for someone day in day out without their own lives.

You chose to become a parent.

It sounds like you really didn't think it through.

Your mum is digging her heels in because it's clear you EXPECT her to take your children. She doesn't have to. How old is she? I wouldn't put toddler twins on my mother. Have you pressured your in-laws as well?

Pay for a babysitter if you want to go out. It's not like you don't have other choices.

I think you should change the title to 'Pissed off'. Heartbroken you ain't.

So you have a partner, pils that help out regularly and make sure you get breaks. And you are annoyed that your mum doesnt do this as well

Then you claim she doesnt need to work. What does that statement mean?

You are going back to work for a break, you dont need to either?

Dont get me wrong, I have always worked. I am not judging that. But you are judging that your mum works when she doesnt have to (I assume this is part of the reason she isnr around) and then say you are working for a break.

If she is in her 40s you both, probably, had kids quite young. Or one of you had them very young.

Now is the time she can concentrate on her work and herself. She may not want to jump in straight to very hands on grand parent. What position are your pils in?

If you you were alive when people lived in tribes, you wouldn't be able to go back to work. You would also probably not get a break and been helping out with other peoples kids aswell, you would have had a much higher chance of dying of your children dying, you would have lived in a hut and would have been helping with elderly relatives as well.

You cant pick and choose the bits of living in the past that you long for and suit what you want.

It seems you are struggling with the adjustment your babies have brought. You and your partner need to find a way to deal with that. Rather than being annoyed that your mum works when she could be helping you out

Your first post hints that you expect your mother to give up full time work to care for your children. Do you really think that's a fair expectation?

I think you are being ridiculously selfish. How old is your mother?

It's not normal that one person should care for someone day in day out without their own lives

Both you and your partner should be doing this. Tell him you need him to go part time, you work part time and then there are 2 adults sharing the care of the kids.

Sorry, dont know where I got she was in her 40s from. Might have been another thread.

How old is she?

I get what you're saying about the tribe thing. Its incredibly hard being alone with children and you don't expect that before having them. I dont have my mum anymore and its so much more difficult without her support and company.

Do you get out to groups, socialise with other parents? Could you put your babies in childcare a few hours or something dlxx

@Mummyofbananas yes we go out every day. I'm bored as well though if that makes sense. I just look after them as in check they are safe and they go off to play with other kids. I want to be able to pop out and work 😂.

I had no idea having young kids at home would be like this. I'm putting them in childcare. I love them so much that's why I need to look after myself. My mum has decided not to help and that's fine. What would you think of me
If I decided not to visit my elderly mother? I feel like she's not in my life anymore. A friend would help when needed and vice versa. No man is an island mumsnetters.

You need to stop being so utterly selfish. If you want to go back to work, go, but cough up for childcare like others do instead of expecting your mum to do it for free when she clearly doesn't want to.

Don't visit your elderly mum if you don't want to. Play tit for tat. You sound so immature, op.

It's expected that when women become mothers they become like angels (imo). My mum is teaching me not to become this. Maybe I will feel like visiting old people when I've looked after myself.

So really I should thank her.

Stop blaming her for everything - YOU decided to have children! There are many mothers who receive far less support than you do!

It sounds like you have already decided not to see your elderly mother - if she doesn't want to babysit, you're not interested.

@Fern12 no i haven't already decided. I just haven't got the energy as things stand. Maybe i did if i got more support. Im not blaming her I'm just saying i need help. And when we need support and advice we look to our parents, friends etc. Or do you never need any support or advice? Yes I chose to have kids but i did not chose to have two kids at the same time.

You have four besotted family members - and one who is happy for you but will not play oneupmanship, may not be the cooing type and has to work. Work you would rather do too!

What you are sad about is that its regularly boring looking after kids and you lose your identity and mind (esp with twins) and you want to do something fun. Thats OK to feel.

But when you blame your feelings on your mum and her desire to work instead of you and your desire to work, you don’t feel as guilty. So you are using her as a scapegoat. Recognise that and stop trying to justify it something else- as posters have said, the “my mum is mean” argument looks childish, entitled and unfair. Discard that one and own your feelings- that this is tough and you feel overwhelmed lonely and bored.

Beconing a parent you find out all sorts of things about yourself- how you cope with boredom, tiredness, pressure. You also get forced to grow up that final bit and realise these are your, not “a village”s responsibilities, and not blame anyone else for your desires and feelings.

Elegance and grace would serve you well here.

Also- on getting your identity back- it does come back, don’t be frightened.

I want to work but not all the time. Variety is the spice of life. I am owning my feelings. I just think my mum should be more interested than she is.

I dont get the 'if my parents dont help me with my kids I wont help them when they are elderly. Its goes both ways'.

Both ways, wouldnt be them helping with your kids. It would be them bringing you up. Which your mother did.

It you only want to visit or help an elderly parent, if they have you something first. That something would be that they brought YOU up. Not quite work to provide free childcare.

Why is it ok for you to want to work, but not her?

It is ok she wants to work. She should just be more interested.

Ps it is not expected that mothers become “angels”. It IS expected that they pass on any residual “spoiled brat” baton to the new and actual children though (although most people have stopped a while before let’s be frank).