Heartbroken

[sotosey]

The relationship with my mum isn't very good at the moment. She works full time and I have 17 month old twins. We hardly see each other anymore and I'm sad about it.

I don't expect any help from my mum but when I became pregnant I expected her to be besotted, wanting to see them often and enjoying their company. I'm lucky, my in laws are besotted and have so much to give. They see them one day a week and offer to take care of them so they can take care of them, bond and give us headspace. I use that time to work.

I can't really be bothered with my parents at the moment. I have too much to worry about and my mother probably has too, but it's just a sad case of affairs and I'm heartbroken. My mum doesn't want to work but feels she has to.

She should be more interested because ut would suit you better, op. No wonder she is keeping her distance.

I would avoid you a bit too if you started throwing “should”s at me, having a massive projecting strop and comparing me with some inlaws- inlaws I have nothing in common with or choice over what they do, other than you shagged their son.
I’d probably hope you’d grow up, learn some gratitude, treat me like a human being and come and ask nicely.

Her loss. My in laws are wonderful and I thank them every day for their contribution. I'm not a spoiled brat. I just think I deserve better. What's wrong with that?

I've not told her she should. It just hurts that she doesn't.

It is ok she wants to work. She should just be more interested.

Then why mention she doesnr have to work?

She works. She brought you up, you already have a partner and pils helping you out.

Theres a good chance that she has picked up on your feelings that being interested, is actually doing childcare and giving you a break.

She works full time. She is older and possibly doesnt want to spend her free time caring for twin toddlers, which you are aware of is hard.

Where is your partner in all this, because he is the one ultimately responsible for helping you out.

He could go part time, and you work part time?

I've applied for work . He works full time as he's got
His career and dreams. He helps out at home.

When I have a break, I am so excited to see my kids. I love them. I know my mum loves them but she's always tired. My father wants her to work, I know she doesn't want to. But it annoys me that she doesn't speak for herself. She should as it's affecting my kids too.

You deserve better, i.e. you deserve free childcare. Get over yourself.

My mum bonded really well with my DD,we went to visit her because we loved her,she was not expected to look after my DD just enjoy each others company.Same with my ExH parents.
Me and my ex managed childcare between us with s childminder thrown in.
You don't seem to want a relationship with your mum just childcare.Have you been to see her,popped in for a cup of tea?

@ladamanera has given you great (and extremely kind) advice here.

Your mother doesn’t owe you anything. These are your feelings and she is under no obligation to provide a free babysitting service.

Can’t you see how big an expectation it is for an older person to regularly take care of 17 month old twins? Maybe you should try and see it from a perspective other than your own, instead of shooting down any negative criticism.

Have you thought that perhaps your parents have to work?Most of us do and will until we're 67.
I would rather not work but have bills to pay and my DDS college transport/equipment to pay for.

You are only annoyed that she works full time because of the effect it is having on YOU - I’m willing to bet you weren’t too bothered before you wanted her help.

'You are only annoyed that she works full time because of the effect it is having on YOU - I’m willing to bet you weren’t too bothered before you wanted her help.'

Quite

Your faux 'concern' is ridiculous.

Title should read "I'm entitled and pissed off"

It's not normal that one person should care for someone day in day out without their own lives

OP, it sounds like you're struggling to reconcile the facts (1) that you have to make sacrifices in your own life for your DCs (which is something all parents do to some extent) and (2) that your DM, who chose to have you, doesn't have any obligation to help you now.

You're an adult now, so that's the way it works. You made an adult decision to have children and while she presumably raised you when you were younger, she doesn't have to support you now you're a grown-up yourself.

On the plus side, assuming no special needs, your DC won't be dependent on you forever and you'll get your life back one day too, just like your DM has.

I've applied for work . He works full time as he's got His career and dreams. He helps out at home.
He has got and unhappy wife and mother if his children. He can put his dreams in hold and support you, take on half the childcare. In 17 months he could gave sorted this.

HE doesnt help out. His parents do. These are his kids and his home. Its not helping, it's taking responsibility.

My father wants her to work, I know she doesn't want to. But it annoys me that she doesn't speak for herself. She should as it's affecting my kids too.

I feel sorry for her. You are no better than you dad, making her do something. You want her to now quit work because theres a minimal impact ON your kids and she is too tired for childcare

If your dad is forcing her, why dont you feel compassion for her? Why are you sat there saying 'well she should stand up to him so she can do this for me instead?'

Maybe that's why she wont quit. She doesnr want to do it. But if she reduces her hours or quits, you will just expect her to pick up childcare, giving herself nothing.

Give the op a break! Looking after young twins must be incredibly difficult and much harder than having one baby at a time. Also a first time mother given twins is a lot harder. My parents live in a different countries so they couldn't help me with the kids but if they'd lived close and they didn't want to help or spend time with my children then I would feel as the op does.

If you have a child, even an adult child and you see them struggling, it's natural to want to help. OP's not asking that her mum takes care of her kids, but that she offers to help look after them a little bit to give her some respite.

The OP gets respite. Her pils care for them.

She has a partner and her mother works full time.

Her partner wont reduce his hours. Hut ops mother is expected to.

OP claims the mother works because the dad says she has to. How is that better, than wanting her to quit to pick up childcare?

Where is her empathy towards her mother who is knackered and has to work because her husband says so and she darent stand up to her husband? There is non.

The woman is stuck between her husband who wants her to work and her daughter who doesnt so she can help our with the kids.

What about the woman herself. If she is going to be busy and tired she light as well get paid for it

And in all likelihood, she isnt pensionable age.

Odd that OP wont say what position the polls are in.

OP I am in an older age group and have several friends who are Grandmothers . TBH with you we have been there and done it . Your 50/60 pluses now are not like they were years ago . We live lives, we travel , we have lots to do , we may work and often do not want caught up in raising Grandchildren. Three of my friends are more involved than they wanted to be but feel they can't pull back now .Having children was your choice. Get on with it . Lots of Mums don't have any extra family support .

Ugh, you sound incredibly entitled. I'm not surprised your mum doesn't want to dance to your tune. Own your life choices and stop trying to restrict hers.

I'm new to being a Granny and not sure if I'm weird but I'm not besotted by my grandchild either. I love my daughter though beyond measure so the help I give is to support her so that she can look after her baby. I cook, I clean, I do her laundry and her shopping. I may have a two minute cuddle but mostly I give him a kiss as I leave. Maybe your dm doesn't want to care for children much like I don't. It sounds like you have plenty of support anyway and it sounds like your dm is busy working. If you need more support you will need to pay for childcare.

It's not normal that one person should care for someone day in day out without their own lives
I laughed when I read this.
I'd be interested to know how you and your mother decided to start a family and she impregnated you ?
She is not duty bound to drop her life to enable you not to mother your own child.
Also you talk of tribes (!) looking after children to give others time off. Do you think they went off to have a spa day ! ! 😂😂

Omg you have a dad? I presumed he must have passed away or not been present.

Why on earth is none of your vitriol on him, or your own partner? Why on earth is it all your mum?

If you want some of your life back you are going to have to get a lot less sexist and fast.

I’m calling troll. Dripfeeding too many red buttons.

I understand why you might want a break from the kids occasionally and going back to work is a positive thing for many mothers. But your Mum works too - she isn't in a position to look after your children while you're at work. My mum was the same - she was only in her early 50's when my youngest was born so was working full time herself - I just had to do what everyone does and find a nursery for the days I was at work.
If you are genuinely upset at her lack of interest generally then that's different - but maybe she just doesn't want to do 'childcare'. Have a day out with her and the twins instead - make it fun to all be together.

Do you mean you expect your mum not to work, or to work less and help care for your children?

It's not unusual to want your mum with you, whether emotionally or physically, when going through big stuff. I think being a first time mum with twins is big stuff even when there are other people being supportive. So what I think you're saying is that you wish your mum was available to you to share your experience not necessarily to take care of your kids. It's a wonderful feeling to share the joy of the moment with someone you love in a look or a smile, not just to pass on whining toddlers to get a break. I would miss that closeness and sharing too. I think people think that whose parents live in another or have cut contact or have passed away but you can see her and still can't share and sharing our experience of mothering with our own mothers is often given. If, regardless of what the norm is or what you would like to have, you don't have that then to save your own sanity you will have to find a way to make peace with it. To love her for all the other stuff that she has shared in your life and to show her that. To support her where you can even with a kind word. With regards to how you mother your own children at this stage - find your balance. I thought MN valued a broad range of experiences and supported women's needs and choices. Your kids need a well and happy mum. If you find that through work when they are in childcare then do it. If you find that through being with them round the clock then do that. Good luck