Heartbroken

[sotosey]

The relationship with my mum isn't very good at the moment. She works full time and I have 17 month old twins. We hardly see each other anymore and I'm sad about it.

I don't expect any help from my mum but when I became pregnant I expected her to be besotted, wanting to see them often and enjoying their company. I'm lucky, my in laws are besotted and have so much to give. They see them one day a week and offer to take care of them so they can take care of them, bond and give us headspace. I use that time to work.

I can't really be bothered with my parents at the moment. I have too much to worry about and my mother probably has too, but it's just a sad case of affairs and I'm heartbroken. My mum doesn't want to work but feels she has to.

When is it you want her help? After work? Weekend?

But you really have not answered the most important question OP - your DH, who we all presume decided to have these children with you - where is he? Why is he not supporting you?

Why should your mum pick up for his lack of being there? So many young women expect their own mum to take up the slack that a proper DH should be doing - I have it in my own family. I just cannot understand it - why is your anger not directed at him?

My mum is responsible for her needs and I am my own. She has been there for me and now she isn't.

But you are saying is responsible for your needs whole you dont really care about hers.

That's not how it works. If you love you mum you would be concerned for her. Maybe she feels she can step back because your kids have TWO parents and wonders why you expect so much support from her, whiskt not caring about supporting her when your kids have their father around.

Never mind another 2 adults helping out.

Well done you for raising 3 kids alone. I don't want to do that thank you. You have judged my help as plenty. How do you know it's plenty for me. If it was I wouldn't be having this conversation.

Because you said you thank them every day and give lots of support and help and take the children to give you a break.

And you have another adult, whobis responsible for them that should be stepping up before your pil and before your mum.

I need to show her some grace but really it doesn't change the fact that I don't have energy to consider her needs as well as my own and that is sad and I am right to be heartbroken.

But you cant understand that she may not be able to either. And you have other people to support you.

Who is supporting her?

Maybe you are your mum are in exactly the same situation?

your not coping fully with the demands of your children (none of us fully do).

She can't meet the expectations of her child.

You need to look at the situation fairly and objectively, what free time does she actually have to provide help, does she have the energy to do so? What other demands are in her from other directions?

* I don't have energy to consider her needs as well as my own*

In that case I feel very sorry for your children.

If you are struggling that much perhaps it's wise that you talk to a professional about your mental health. Your reaction seems overly dramatic and quite intense and yes you DO have plenty of help- much more than a lot. And Yes you can feel sad but ultimately your mum has done her bit and owes you nothing. If you want to go to work to 'escape' that suggests that you feel you are not coping which means you could do with looking at your mental health and getting support.

The route of this problem is you feel you are not coping.

Why not look at the reasons why that may be and what you could change to make things easier to cope. Change strategy or expectations and make sure you and your husband are a team. Keep your life as simple as possible.

You mums help may have no impact on your ability to cope even if it was readily available.

You're being slight over dramatic.

Describe what help you think your mum should give you. How would you see your day being if she gave you all the support you think you need?

Well ,you have got your lovely twins now, and how lucky you are ! It's sad how you view your Mother,but she is entitled to be how she want's to be.

I can never understand why Mums these days,say they are bored at home,and need time for themselves,and putting their children into day care ,or have Mums to child mind!

It's too late now, but better if you had stayed child free.

How old is your Mum ? I am 65 and helped a lot with DGS but am now stepping back a bit as he is 13 and I want my own life now that I am retired . DD understands . I have several friends who provide a huge amount of childcare but they all say it never seems to be enough for the parents . A couple of them are exhausted .
What about your Dad ? Can he not help ? How much support do you think you need ?

@1forAll74

Mums these days ...maybe we just say how we feel and you couldn't say how you felt. I feel for you. Maybe if you did say how you feel , you'd have more empathy.

My goodness you sound like one deluded entitled brat.

I feel pity for your children. Your attitude is not only pathetic but ridiculous.

Your children are your responsibility, you decided to have them and no other person other than their dad is truly responsible for them in their upbringing. Families helping now and again and being supportive is wonderful but should never be expected, this attitude I often see here on MN is so disgusting, I'd be ashamed if my child turned out to be such a brat.

Grow up and take responsibility for your life, discuss your feelings with your partner and together come up with a plan that will give you this support you apparently need so badly. That support does not mean grandparents taking on your children, go find childcare.

Grandparents can be supportive by visiting their grandchildren and spending time with them as it suits them, not just when you need childcare.

As someone else said, you're not heartbroken you're just an entitled brat who thinks the world owes her something.

Count yourself fortunate, you still have more help than millions out there.

This has got to be a wind up .
No one can be that self absorbed and entitled surely.

No one is lacking empathy for how hard it is to be a parent - but your mum is your parent and maybe it's bloody hard for her too

You've not said what exactly you want from your mum that is a practical solution to solve your problems

Or why you are not coping

Maybe your mum would like some support from you? You’re all about yourself but what about her? Perhaps suggest a shopping or cinema trip together away from the twins and make sure everything is ok in her life.
Surely your husband/partner should be supporting you more....they are your children after all.

OP, I am going against the grain here. I dont read your posts as entitled or selfish. I just hear sadness. I feel for you, I really do.

I could have written your posts when my dss were small. I was suffering from undiagnosed pnd. I did know that I needed medical help, but I also knew that antidepressants make you feel worse for 2 weeks before you feel better, and I knew that I wouldn't survive feeling worse, so I persevered. Going back to work saved my sanity.

I love my dss to bits, but having them for 12 hours a day until dh came home made me feel so lonely. I had moved home to be with dh just before I got pregnant so

I knew no-one, and babygroups didn't help much. I had no good friends and each day lasted an age.

What helped me apart from going back to work? MNet did - an hour or two a day of reading about/chatting to other mums who were, on the whole, very supportive. Sleep did. Mine were bad sleepers, but someone suggested going to bed when they did at 8pm once a week, so I booked a night off, not to be disturbed. The difference in how I felt was amazing.

Not expecting my relatives to be interested helped too. Like you I had been very close to my mum and she had been desperate to be a grandma. Then as soon as it happened she disengaged and was too tired to pay them much attention. '

Hang on in there, love. Things do get better once the babies are talking and can get out and about more. (Mine wouldn't settle or play indoors much, so we spent hours each day walking, puddle jumping, finding sticks, exploring. In bad weather having a list of activities to do helped. 30 minutes of this. Then tidy it away. 30 minutes of something different. And lots and lots of baths. Playing in the bath gives everyone a break. My boys had two or three baths a day in winter!

HTH. Hang on in there. Things will get better. And hopefully posters will come along with more positive advice for you soon too.

So your poor mum is tired, barely has time to talk, working a job she doesn't want to, but none of that is worth considering because all any of it means to you is that she's not at your beck and call? That's all you take from situation?? Doesn't sound to me like she's even asking you for anything at all in relation to "considering her needs", but you're seething away with resentment because you know she's not in a position to pander to you.

Lots of us have found/are finding parenting difficult. I can see that twins will be tricky to manage when they are small, but I think the payoff will be when they’re older and can entertain themselves more.

But no one made you have children and everyone says that they didn’t realise how hard it would be. My mum lived with us when my children were young and didn’t want to look after them. I could count on the fingers of one hand, how many times someone else looked after them. It’s just the way it was. I don’t think it means that your mum doesn’t care about them or love them. Maybe she just doesn’t have the mental or physical space to offer to look after them.

You actually have quite a lot of help. Far more than many. You’re hankering for the freedom you used to have and to be frank it makes you sound thoughtless and selfish. Be grateful for what you have.

Mums these days ...maybe we just say how we feel and you couldn't say how you felt. I feel for you. Maybe if you did say how you feel , you'd have more empathy

What does this mean?
Are you aware your posts are completely lacking in empathy for your mother? But expect everyone to be empathetic to you?

You say you arent responsible for your mums needs, but expect her to be responsible for yours

But you dont expect your OH to be responsible for your needs. Just your mum. Because he cant possibly put his career on hold and step back for a while, because it's his dream. His dream should be a happy family.

You refuse to discuss your OH doing more or your pils situation. Which makes me think your pil are in a much better situation than your mother. And they step in because your OH doesnt do anywhere near enough.

Your issue is your OH, in my opinion.

Many of my friends are grandparents and feel totally overwhelmed by the expectations of their adult children to provide childcare. Many daren't say anything as they don't want to lose touch with the DGC but fully realise they are only wanted for free childcare & financial handouts . We are the generation having to work longer to get our pension, often caring for our own elderly parents, if we have some free time why shouldn't we enjoy ourselves? My DS is not a parent yet but I hope he's not expecting me to be 'besotted' with his DC .

I think people just don't understand what you want from her here OP.

What was it that you expected? For her to be their childcare when you go back to work? 1 day a week?

It sounds like she's struggling herself to be honest. I work full time, have no children, and when I get home I collapse in a heap. I don't have the mental reserves for much else on work days.

What were you hoping for before you had children?