Heartbroken

[sotosey]

The relationship with my mum isn't very good at the moment. She works full time and I have 17 month old twins. We hardly see each other anymore and I'm sad about it.

I don't expect any help from my mum but when I became pregnant I expected her to be besotted, wanting to see them often and enjoying their company. I'm lucky, my in laws are besotted and have so much to give. They see them one day a week and offer to take care of them so they can take care of them, bond and give us headspace. I use that time to work.

I can't really be bothered with my parents at the moment. I have too much to worry about and my mother probably has too, but it's just a sad case of affairs and I'm heartbroken. My mum doesn't want to work but feels she has to.

I'm wondering why you haven't directed some of your anger towards your dad aswell. Why is it only your mum who is the bad one (in your opinion)? I don't have parents or a partner or parents in law. And I have twins so I know how hard it is. However, they are yours and you already have help and support. To expect even more than that, from your mum who works full time, is ridiculous. Your resent her for no good reason; she's done nothing wrong.

Apologies for incomplete sentence! Hope you get the drift.

Why on earth is none of your vitriol on him, or your own partner? Why on earth is it all your mum?

This

But that annoyance shouldn't be on the dad (apart from how he treats the OP mother of that's even true).

But the partner has a dream and career and cant possibly be expected to work less and help his wife out.

Why should her parents have to fill that gap? Her pils are already filling the gap that their son isnt filling.

Why is it the her mother or father should step up when the partner doesnt?

Straysocks the OP says several times that it's because she needs/wants a break

I think the op has had a hard time here.

It's understandable that you want your mum during a massive change in your life such as having twins, there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling disappointed and let down. Was she very supportive leading up to the birth?

I think what you are going to have to do though is accept the fact that your mum isn't going to be that involved with your lives anymore. Whether it is through work or that is what she is telling you, you'll never really know. Embrace the support you are receiving from your in-laws, make sure your partner is doing his fair share and just get on with your life. You will meet other mums who are just as exasperated with this new experience and you may find your dearest friends amongst them. Keep getting out every day (you'll probably have figured out it's easier being out of the house), mix with people and enjoy your twins.

I wish you the best of luck op, being a parent is one of the hardest things thrown at us.

When we become a mum we don't become super women, being a parent is hard and most parents will totally sympathise and try to support a daughter with twins . But remember your Mum isn't superwoman either maybe just her day to day life of working full time and supporting herself is what she can manage. We all have different levels we can cope with. I often help my kids and my family but they are times when I need a break when I come from work or at weekends. Like everything there is a balance , depends how much and how often you expect and depends how disinterested she is , or what her reasons are.

@itisthecause yeah it's true what you said

Hiding - we all do need a break sometimes. Even when it seems like we should be ok. There are people who are financially secure, with happy, healthy children, who are loved who need help aren't there? She's saying she's not ok. Most posts are telling her she should be. Who is to know the true experience of another person? Sometimes we struggle and don't know where to put it.

@Straysocks yeah thanks I am struggling. I'm making steps to get back into work but I would prefer to stay at home and have support but I can't do it alone. My mum has got every right to work I'm not saying that. Of course but I am heartbroken she's not able to provide as much support as I'd like. She barely has time to talk. I feel I can't bridge the gap to keep our relationship going anymore.

I don't think most people are telling the OP she should be OK. They are saying if she wants to go back to work, then go, but don't expect her mother to give up her job and life and do it for free.

The OP hasn't made it clear she is looking for free childcare, but she has not said she isn't. If you want to work, go back don't don't expect a parent to step in when they don't want to. It's incredibly selfish to expect anyone to give up their job and life to mind two toddlers.

The mother doesn't want to. Her right. That is the OP's problem. Not the way it is dressed up in the original post as just wanting a bit of time off once in a blue moon.

Maybe the OP could clarify how much childcare she expects her mother to do for her. Maybe she wants to split it between both sets of grandparents so it wont impact financially on her earnings???

Hiding - we all do need a break sometimes. Even when it seems like we should be ok. There are people who are financially secure, with happy, healthy children, who are loved who need help aren't there? She's saying she's not ok. Most posts are telling her she should be. Who is to know the true experience of another person? Sometimes we struggle and don't know where to put it.

She gets breaks. The pil do alot. She also has a partner.

What's she says about her mother is that she doesnt want to work, but does because her husband insists on it, she is tired all the time and her daughter wants her to reduce/quit work to help give her more breaks.

The partner cant possibly put his career on hold.

And instead of being worried about her mother, she is annoyed that she wont standup to her husband, so she can give the OP help.

Why isnt the OP annoyed at her partner? Or concerned about her mother?

No one is saying she should get a break. But she gets them and has a partner that can do more.

If OP is being honest its sounds like her mother is possibly being abused and all op cares about is what help the mother can give her.

'm making steps to get back into work but I would prefer to stay at home and have support but I can't do it alone

You arent doing it alone. You have a partner and pils that you 'thank everyday' because they give lots and lots if support.

That isnt doing it alone by a long stretch.

Its not enough

But i am thankful

What would be enough for you?

Really, your partner should be the first one stepping up to help. Have you told him how you feel?

I really don’t think this is your mum’s responsibility. Like others have said, why aren’t you blaming your dad too? Are women expected to shoulder all the burden of raising children?

Yabu op. And selfish. HTH

If you pils help isnt enough. Why isnt your partner doing his bit?

You have 4 adults pitching in for 2 kids. You want 5. You dont care your mum is in a bad position and just tugging at her a bit more.

You want 5 adults looking after your twins, with you partner pitching in the least.

I am not saying this to be shitty. But if you are not coping with the amount of support you have then you may need to go speak to your doctor avijt possibly having depression.

Your partner needs to start parenting and putting his wife and kids in front of his career dreams. He is the other parent. Not his parents and not your mother.

All these expectations you have of your mum

You want to be yourself and ‘have a break’ well she’s done her child-raising and May also ‘want a break’

And ‘not being able to bridge the gap’! Stop being so bloody dramatic, their your kids get on with parenting them, put them in childcare, whatever, but leave your mum alone and stop being so selfish and demanding - very unattractive qualities

Your mum will probably show more interest in them when you've made permanent/ professional child care arrangements as she will know that any kind of interest won't be met with resent about her not offering to look after them.

It's a really really hard stage age wise with your twins so cut yourself some slack and keep that in mind.

I know she doesn't have to help but i find it a shame because I really needed her and she wasn't there. It's just made me separate from her a bit. Driven a wedge.

I know they are my children. And no I am not entitled to anything. No she doesn't have to be there etc. But she was there before and she isn't now.

I know she doesn't have to help but i find it a shame because I really needed her and she wasn't there. It's just made me separate from her a bit. Driven a wedge

But what about what she needs you say

She is tired
Very busy
Doesnt like working
Doesnt need to work
But does because your dad makes her

You arenr showing concern for her at all. In fact you only seem to want her stand up to your dad now it will benefit you.

Have you thought that if you dad is very controlling and forces her to do things that are exhausting her, that she might need some help and support.

Not just another person want her to do something to benefit them. What about her? What about how tired and unsupported she is?

It's also very telling you wont discuss her age and the position your in laws are in.

I suspect it's very different.

And lets be honest you have plenty of people there supporting you.

Who is supporting her?

I don't think going back work when you are struggling is necessarily the right option, working comes from other needs, necessity or drive to do so, if you are not coping now it will just add another element.

Everyone will have empathy that you are overwhelmed, we've all felt the same- it's is bloody hard work. Coping for me came from belief that I could cope, not feeling sorry for myself and being a team with my husband and being grateful for any help I did get.

What help do you want from your mum? How often? - unfortunately until you in your mums situation you may not appreciate that her life isn't any simpler or full of free time.

Sometimes you don't get what you want. Stamping your feet and saying 'it's not fair' won't help. I've raised three kids without any family support at all. And so have many others. You have lots of support. You are being petulant. Your mum can't or won't help. You haven't bothered to find out if there's a problem or looked into why she can't help. You've just taken umbrage that YOUR needs aren't being met. Give your head a wobble.

My mum is responsible for her needs and I am my own. She has been there for me and now she isn't. Why aren't I allowed to be sad about it. Well done you for raising 3 kids alone. I don't want to do that thank you. You have judged my help as plenty. How do you know it's plenty for me. If it was I wouldn't be having this conversation. Maybe I am being sulky but I'm sad and angry that she's not able to be there for me. I need to show her some grace but really it doesn't change the fact that I don't have energy to consider her needs as well as my own and that is sad and I am right to be heartbroken.