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Original poster

HELP! DP is unsure about being with me

83 replies

MassiveBelly · 20/07/2019 23:46

So this is my first post (be gentle please).

I'm going to try keep it simple, rather than ramble on like the post I had just written out.

Issue
Partner is unsure whether she wants to be with someone who has kids.

Context
Partner is 21 and at Uni.
Together 2 years.
Fully in love.
Have the kids twice a week.
Just moved in together (shared house with friends).
Looking to move in together next summer.
Both don't want to split.
But both don't want my partner to be unhappy.
Partner had previously been ok with kids being a part of me (albeit the odd doubt, I assume).

She's doubting if she is ready to be with someone who has kids already. I think it's hit home since we've kinda moved in together.

I fully understand her concerns and I don't blame her for having these worries at all but I don't want to lose her, nor do I want her to force herself into something she doesn't 100% want.

Any help would be much appreciated :(

OP posts:
BillyJowel · 20/07/2019 23:48

Why do you think this is the most you deserve?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2019 23:49

Unless she is fully, 100% commit to a life with your children, this relationship needs to end. She's not ready and it's massively unfair for your children and her.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/07/2019 23:51

You got together when she was 19. You have more than one child. How old are you?

edsheeranpaidmoretaxthanccola · 20/07/2019 23:53

Hold old are you OP?

Rachelover40 · 20/07/2019 23:54

Your partner is very young to be taking on someone else's children, even part time.

It would be best to just stay as you are for now, enjoying each others company but not planning for her to move in with you.

Original poster
MassiveBelly · 20/07/2019 23:55

This is the thing though. It's never really been an issue, until now. She's just unsure, but I don't know how to reassure her or comfort her.

She is great with my kids and I'm the happiest I've ever been with her.

If we were to just break things off over a bit of uncertainty, could that be a waste of a potential relationship?

Is this uncertainty going to pass? If it doesn't, then obviously we would need to split.

We've only just talked about this today and she was sobbing her eyes out, explaining how she loves me and loves the kids but is just unsure.

OP posts:
Original poster
MassiveBelly · 20/07/2019 23:56

27 for those asking

OP posts:
Original poster
MassiveBelly · 20/07/2019 23:58

May I add, my partner is very mature for her age. But, she is young and at Uni and I fully understand why she/anyone would have doubts about being with someone who has children.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2019 23:58

It's an issue now because she's maturing and realising the enormity of what it means to take on someone else's children. She is not ready for this level of responsibility.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2019 00:00

She's a baby and you're trying to decide the rest of her life for her. She should be worrying about being a step-mum at 21. And be uncertain.

Do you want other kids? Because another question.

What do her family think about all this?

Pomegranatemolasses · 21/07/2019 00:01

She's really young and I can understand why she's having doubts. if I were her I'd feel the same.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2019 00:02

May I add, my partner is very mature for her age.

Hmm
Original poster
MassiveBelly · 21/07/2019 00:02

She may well not be, I agree. That's why she is having doubts.

When I was her age, I was a manager and had 2 kids.

I've always tried to make sure she was aware of what the future could hold, if we were to get our own place etc... So she was fully aware from the beginning.

OP posts:
Pomegranatemolasses · 21/07/2019 00:03

She's probably realising for the first time what the impact of your situation is.

Grobagsforever · 21/07/2019 00:03

She's more or less still a teenager! Let her go

Pomegranatemolasses · 21/07/2019 00:07

*When I was her age, I was a manager and had 2 kids.

I've always tried to make sure she was aware of what the future could hold, if we were to get our own place etc... So she was fully aware from the beginning.*

She's a child relatively speaking. Your situation is quite unusual, interms of job, kids etc. If she were my daughter I would be advising her to live her own life, and not tie herself to someone with all these commitments.

OldWomanSaysThis · 21/07/2019 00:07

I'm with her - she's too young to take on a partner with two children.

Original poster
MassiveBelly · 21/07/2019 00:08

Are you for real?

"She's a baby" "trying to decide rest of her life for her"

  1. She's 21. An adult. She's not a baby, in the slightest. Do you know how condescending that is? You go up to her and tell her that, she'd be fuming.
  2. When have I decided her life? Hmm get out here.

I'm done reading your replies.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/07/2019 00:09

You don’t fully understand her concerns, not your fault but there’s no way you can as you’re a parent and she’s not and being with someone who has children is always complicated and sometimes extremely difficult.

She sounds very unsettled/upset. Of course things have changed since you moved in. Her uni mates will be living the highlife with fun and freedom and studying and enjoying their independence and she’s in a house share is playing stepmum twice a week. That may only be sinking in properly now as the new family unit has been established.

It’s not been easy in my 30s, worth it but not easy. At 21 it’s madness.

Miniloso · 21/07/2019 00:09

It’s not going to end well OP, I’m sorry to say. She’s too young and will want different things to you at some point. She’s already having doubts now which is understandable at her age.

Don’t move in together, it’s not fair on your kids.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2019 00:10

And the mask slips...

Pomegranatemolasses · 21/07/2019 00:12

Well she may be fuming, but she's also quite rightly questioning why, as a young student, she should be taking on all this baggage.

And you may be done reading our replies, but she will hopefully make up her own mind as to what is best for her.

MissConductUS · 21/07/2019 00:13

I think she's correctly assessing that this is not a good long term situation for her.

She may well want children of her own at some point, while you might easily decide that two is enough for you.

You haven't decided anything for her. She's in the process of deciding for herself what's best for her. If you genuinely care for her you'll let her go gracefully if that's the choice she makes.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2019 00:14

In terms of brain structure and processing she IS a child still. Brains don't mature until mid-20s. And those bits that need to mature are planning, risk assessment, consequences, that kind of stuff. So at 19/20, she may well not have seen the issue. Her brain didn't process it like it is now. And I would have given me shit for saying that at 18/19, when I was doing a dangerous and serious job. But I was a child although very 'mature'

And you were a manager with two kids at 21. Great. But you are currently in a shared house, not with the mother of the kids, not living full time with your children. Because stuff like that happens. And it's more likely at 21.

She's right to be reticent. And being a step-mum is deciding her future. Because it's really important in your children's lives and should be taken very seriously. And considered long term.

Pomegranatemolasses · 21/07/2019 00:14

@Aquamarine1029 I totally agree.

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