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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP! DP is unsure about being with me

83 replies

MassiveBelly · 20/07/2019 23:46

So this is my first post (be gentle please).

I'm going to try keep it simple, rather than ramble on like the post I had just written out.

Issue
Partner is unsure whether she wants to be with someone who has kids.

Context
Partner is 21 and at Uni.
Together 2 years.
Fully in love.
Have the kids twice a week.
Just moved in together (shared house with friends).
Looking to move in together next summer.
Both don't want to split.
But both don't want my partner to be unhappy.
Partner had previously been ok with kids being a part of me (albeit the odd doubt, I assume).

She's doubting if she is ready to be with someone who has kids already. I think it's hit home since we've kinda moved in together.

I fully understand her concerns and I don't blame her for having these worries at all but I don't want to lose her, nor do I want her to force herself into something she doesn't 100% want.

Any help would be much appreciated :(

OP posts:
Original poster
MassiveBelly · 21/07/2019 00:15

Wrong

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/07/2019 00:16

What’s wrong?

toffeeapple123 · 21/07/2019 00:17

Goodness when I look back to when I was 21, I was super young and immature. I didn’t start to become adult until mid to late 20s. And I was always considered mature for my age!

OP, this isn’t easy for you to read, but you are both still so young. Her more so than you. Try to understand her situation...

HeddaGarbled · 21/07/2019 00:20

Ah, I do think she’s a bit young for this really. University is a fantastic opportunity to grow, meet people from different backgrounds and countries with different life experiences and opinions, spread your wings, experiment with who you are and who you’re going to be, but also just have no-strings fun. Those 3 years from 18 to 21 can be eye-opening and transformational.

You took on responsibility early. Two children at the age of 21 is unusual. I don’t think it’s fair to ask it of her. I think you need to let her free. Sorry.

CJsGoldfish · 21/07/2019 00:23

If you truly love her you'd realise she most likely does not want to be tied down to a man with 2 children. She was too young for that at 19 but it's probably taken some maturing and life experience to truly realise what it means for her.
Do the mature and selfless thing and let her go. Make the decision kindly, she'll probably be massively relieved.

EileenAlanna · 21/07/2019 00:34

It sounds like your relationship could have run its course & is reaching the end. She'll be graduating soon, assessing her future options, including where you & your DCs will fit into that.
She'll be looking at options like post grad study, establishing a career, possibly relocating to facilitate either of those possibilities, or just looking forward to being free of studying hard & imagining a lifestyle of worry free early adulthood. Your having children restricts her options if she continues a relationship with you and more so if she lives with you. I think she's too young with too much too lose in her personal development & growth to be bound to 2 children, who presumably are at least 6 & 7 years old, which aren't hers.
You've been with her since she was 19, she hasn't had the time or opportunity to spread her wings. You shouldn't try to clip them.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 21/07/2019 00:44

@CJsGoldfish where did the op say they were a man?

CJsGoldfish · 21/07/2019 00:50

@CJsGoldfish where did the op say they were a man?

That is true and wrong of me to assume.

The rest still stands.

lifebegins50 · 21/07/2019 03:52

Her feelings are unlikely to change as she is at a different stage in life to you. 21 is young to decide to take on 2 children.

As tough as it might be for you the best outcome for her is to leave. Don't try to persuade her as that would be for your benefit and if you really love her then let her go.

BandsAndBeer · 21/07/2019 06:38

@CJsGoldfish where did the op say they were a man?

That is true and wrong of me to assume

It is. But the later posts definitely read as though written by a man!

Decormad38 · 21/07/2019 06:42

He says he's done reading the replies! We clearly didn't agree with him enough.

DBML · 21/07/2019 06:45

At 21 I would not have settled with someone who already had children. I was enjoying my independence; living life; travelling and carefree.
Although she is an adult technically...she’s new to it and it’s time for her to having new experiences.
You can’t tie her down with children so early into her life. She’s right and sensible to have let you know. You appear to be at very different life stages.

I understand you don’t want to lose her, but she’s not yours to lose and as much as it hurts, it’s her very valuable life. I think you have nothing to do except accept whatever she decides.
Sorry

stucknoue · 21/07/2019 06:53

She's young, still deciding on her path in life. She is probably wary of growing close to the kids when she knows should you two split she'll never see them again, plus she may be concerned you won't want more children no money will be tighter paying for your older 2. I wouldn't be surprised if she has a bit of family pressure too. At first she was flattered by an older man, but living together has made it real.

Suggest you see how this year goes, don't pressure her with future plans to get a place just the two of you.

meangirlsonrain · 21/07/2019 06:56

Your at different stages in your life. If you love her then let her go if it's meant to be in the future she will come back.,

bigchris · 21/07/2019 07:07

Op hello Smile

The thing that strikes out at me is yes you did have 2 kids at 21 but it didn't work out did it ?

It's young these days and you can go all in with her but as a student it's a time for growing and developing, the chances of it working out are very slim sadly , her friends will be off travelling, nurturing their careers etc , if she has doubts now it will only get worse

KatherineJaneway · 21/07/2019 07:09

This is the thing though. It's never really been an issue, until now.

Because now the reality is dawning. Plenty of times people can be told the potential setbacks from a situation, go ahead with it but then have second thoughts once the reality hits home and it's nothing like they thought it would be.

When I was her age, I was a manager and had 2 kids.

Yes but that's you, not her. People can be very at very different levels of maturity even being the same age due to things that happened in their lives.

cantfindname · 21/07/2019 07:12

If you love her as much as you say then let her go. She is so young, yes I had 2 kids at her age but we are all different and these are not 'her' kids which makes it harder.

I sense she cares very much for you and is scared that she is unable to live up to your expectations. At least slow right down, stop making plans and give her plenty of time with no pressure to make her mind up.

newmomof1 · 21/07/2019 07:12

@Decormad38 He says he's done reading the replies! We clearly didn't agree with him enough

Clearly not the case though, is it? OP's issue was people referring to her as a baby/saying they were trying to decide her life for her etc.

I got with my OH when I was 17 and he was 28. Yes, I'm a lot more mature now than I was then, but I was far from a 'baby'.

However I'll be completely honest and say we probably wouldn't have gone the distance if he'd already had children.

OP, you say you had 2 kids at her age so they must be pre-teens at their youngest - is that the issue?
Would she have been ok if they were much younger?
Does she get on well with them?

YouJustDoYou · 21/07/2019 07:16

She's allowed to change her mind. Better for her to do this now than years down the line after she's become tired stressed and resentful of what it takes to raise children. Not her fault to not want that, and doesn't make her a bad person at all.

Hidingwhoiam · 21/07/2019 07:30

Honestly, I would split.

As pp said, people in their late teens/ early 20s arent known for always making well thought out, life changing decisions.

You have been a parent for at least 8 years. That puts you in a very different positions, mentally, than someone who hasnt and is younger.

I know, because I have my first at 20. My life changed, my friends of similar ages life was the same. The difference shows.

She maybe mature. But mature for a 21 year old. She isnt as mature as someone who is older had kids and a professional job for 8/10 years.

You say she is mature and agrees with her decision to move in with you, but arent really hearing about her her decision that this isnt for her now.

It's not for her and if tiuvstay together she will end up resenting you and the kids. As a parent, the kids are your main concern. Dont have them around someone who doesnt want to be.

LenoVentura · 21/07/2019 07:34

What does "fully in love" mean? Is there an "in love" checklist that has to be ticked off to arrive at "fully in love"? You sound as immature as her tbh.

NeatFreakMama · 21/07/2019 07:40

I fell in love with a much older man when I was at University who had a daughter. I didn't know anything at that age except I loved him. It was so hard and I wish he'd been the adult and walked away. You are not fully adult at that age, I'm sorry. She's no idea of the commitment and what life is for a parent. All I can do is share my experience, it might work for you but my advice is to not pressure her and let her leave if she wants to and be honest with her about the difficulties. She's an awful lot younger than you, you're at different stages in your lives and this way for her means she misses out on some experiences she'd have otherwise.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 21/07/2019 10:51

A sign of emotional maturity is supporting the other person to be who they are - including supporting them if they want to leave.

OrchidInTheSun · 21/07/2019 10:54

He's a man because he has the kids twice a week. It's very unusual for women not to have the majority of responsibility for their children when their relationships break down

thethoughtfox · 21/07/2019 11:06

Reframe this: an unwilling SM is not good enough for your children. Put their needs first.