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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP! DP is unsure about being with me

83 replies

MassiveBelly · 20/07/2019 23:46

So this is my first post (be gentle please).

I'm going to try keep it simple, rather than ramble on like the post I had just written out.

Issue
Partner is unsure whether she wants to be with someone who has kids.

Context
Partner is 21 and at Uni.
Together 2 years.
Fully in love.
Have the kids twice a week.
Just moved in together (shared house with friends).
Looking to move in together next summer.
Both don't want to split.
But both don't want my partner to be unhappy.
Partner had previously been ok with kids being a part of me (albeit the odd doubt, I assume).

She's doubting if she is ready to be with someone who has kids already. I think it's hit home since we've kinda moved in together.

I fully understand her concerns and I don't blame her for having these worries at all but I don't want to lose her, nor do I want her to force herself into something she doesn't 100% want.

Any help would be much appreciated :(

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 21/07/2019 11:11

Someone who doesn't want to be a step parent will resent your children long term. Do you want that for them?

She's decided she's too young for this life at 21. That's understandable. You ended up with 2 kids at 21 but it's fine for her to want something different.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 21/07/2019 11:18

Any help would be much appreciated

It isn't though, is it? You come across very angry when you disagree with posters giving their opinions. Are you simply looking for ways to control her into staying and helping with childcare?

Windmillwhirl · 21/07/2019 13:49

I'm not surprised you are angry, op. 21 is an adult and it's not like you just told her you had children, she's clearly known a good while. If I was 21, I'd be insulted being considered a child.

If her heart isn't in it, then she is right to leave you. There really isn't anything you can do. She may as well leave now than later. I think you have to prepare for a split.

HollowTalk · 21/07/2019 13:53

When I think of my daughter and the things she's done in her 20s that she just wouldn't have been able to do if she was in a relationship with someone much older (and six years older is a lot at that age - when you were 21 she was 15) who had children, I know my advice to her would be to get out of the relationship. Both of you would be better off finding people who are at the same stage in life.

notangelinajolie · 21/07/2019 13:55

The OP has flounced.

But just in case I'll ask a question -

How old are your children?

Wellmet · 21/07/2019 14:02

I think 21 is very young indeed to take on someone else's kids.

From your point of view, you need to be in a relationship with someone who accepts you fully- you and your kids are a package, I'm sure. If she's not ready for that then it's a shame but your kids must come first, always.

As for other posters on here, well unfortunately you're going to get a hard time because you're a man. Calling her a baby is laughable, I'd have been furious if someone had patronised me in that way at 21. (I actually think the amount of people who treat their own DC like kids at 21 is causing huge problems in society, but that's another thread!)

Does it have to be a rush? Can you enjoy your children, enjoy a relationship with this woman and hold off for another year or two without mixing the two? Perhaps you need to go back to not living together.

As a student, perhaps she needs reassurance that she is free to travel, stay out all night etc without becoming enmeshed in school runs/bills etc. I had my children at 25 and wished I'd had my freedom a little longer, and they were mine.

Good luck OP, hope it works out for you.

pinkyredrose · 21/07/2019 14:07

What do you mean you 'kinda' moved in together. You either live together or you don't. Why would you move into a shared house when you have 2 kids?

rightteous · 21/07/2019 14:27

She’s too young to be taking on all of this responsibility. Why are you dating somebody just out of teen years and at uni! This is the time she should be sowing her wild oats and experimenting. You need to back off as she’s unsure and she knows she shouldn’t be tied down. Date somebody your own age who has done their growing up!

Windmillwhirl · 21/07/2019 14:43

This is the time she should be sowing her wild oats and experimenting

Oh please, not everyone feels the need to sleep around in college.

Stop generalising what people should be doing, it's ridiculous.

Does this go for young single mums as well? They should stay single because all young men need to experiment?

rightteous · 21/07/2019 14:58

Stop telling me what to think. It’s my opinion which is what the OP asked for. Up to him if he reads it and takes it on board. I’m not the Queen of England so it’s up to him if he takes my advice or not. My gut is telling me she’s at uni and not happy about being tied down and wants to spread her wings. Uni is the place where people can and do do that so back off. Put forward your opinion and I’ll do the same thanks.

Windmillwhirl · 21/07/2019 16:57

There's putting forward an opinion and then there's generalising an entire age group. It's utterly ridiculous you have a gut feeling given you don't even know the people here and that the op has already said his partner doesn't know if she is ready to be with him and his children.

Closetbeanmuncher · 21/07/2019 18:37

an unwilling SM is not good enough for your children. Put their needs first

Absolutely this.

Purpleartichoke · 21/07/2019 18:46

Op, just because you rushed to adulthood by having children young, doesn’t mean every 21yo is ready to take on that responsibility. If I were her friend or family member, I would advise her to put herself first and not tie herself to a ready made family

AgentJohnson · 22/07/2019 07:33

When I was her age, I was a manager and had 2 kids.

The only thing this illustrates is the difference between you. 21 is very young and her maturity doesn’t mean she’s ready to assume the responsibility for being in a child’s life.

Kids are a huge responsibility and while it might have been doable in the beginning, the enormity of that responsibility may be just be kicking in.

You are simply at a different life stages and her gut is telling her she isn’t ready and my advice to her would be to listen to it. My advice to you would be to show her how much you love her by not making it harder for her to leave.

IamtheOA · 22/07/2019 07:41

Maybe she's realising that if she stays with you, then her options are severely curtailed after university.

Is she likely to need to move for a job after university?

AlwaysCheddar · 22/07/2019 08:03

She needs to live a bit, not be saddled with baggage.

Scorpiovenus · 22/07/2019 08:27

She will leave

At 21 there is so many guys out there without kids and lets be honest

You had your life.... Let her have hers.

Hithere12 · 22/07/2019 08:30

should be worrying about being a step-mum at 21. And be uncertain

Yes this!

OP you know she’s having doubts and you want us to help you manipulate her into staying with you.

Hithere12 · 22/07/2019 08:32

He's a man because he has the kids twice a week. It's very unusual for women not to have the majority of responsibility for their children when their relationships break down

Oh my god. Talk about low expectations. He’s a hero because he looks after his own kids.

OrchidInTheSun · 22/07/2019 12:44

"Oh my god. Talk about low expectations. He’s a hero because he looks after his own kids."

Eh? Are you implying I think he's a hero because he looks after his kids a couple of times a week? Far from it! I was just responding to people who said 'how do you know he's a man?' because that bit makes it patently fucking obvious (plus he's a knob who got aggressive when he was disagreed with)

TheStuffedPenguin · 22/07/2019 12:48

Date somebody your own age who has done their growing up!

At 26 ? Hmm

TheStuffedPenguin · 22/07/2019 12:49

If I were her I would be running for the hills . She has her whole life ahead of her without getting bogged down with someone else's children at such a young age.

SwordofGryffindor · 22/07/2019 15:05

Why where you 25 with a 19 year old ? Taking advantage of a young girl?

TheStuffedPenguin · 22/07/2019 16:35

Was this the reason your marriage spilt up?

HazelBite · 22/07/2019 16:38

At 21 and being at university means she hasn't seen much of life. A little different from someone who has left school and been in the workplace for 3-5 years, that is not to say she is immature but in a few years time it is entirely possible that she wants a very different life from that she has now.
She is being realistic having her doubts now, having been able to stand back from the first giddiness of a new relationship to try and assess want she wants out of life.
OP please do not try and influence her let her make her own mind up in her own time. You chose to have your family young, in hindsight this might not be her choice.
She is being mature because she is realistically thinking about her future.
Give her time OP and don't pressure her and do not resent any decision she makes.
Good Luck